When He Pulls Away Do Nothing

Exactly why this happens and what to do about it

Everything seemed to be going fine. You met a great guy, and the two of you spent lots of quality time together. He seemed to be everything you have been looking for, smart, funny, handsome, and drum-roll; available. You start to trust him, and you begin to fall in love. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, he pulls away. When he pulls away, it’s important that you do nothing.

How to handle the situation – The crash course

Examine your role; there is a possibility that you changed and his behavior changed as a result of this. You became too needy and too focused on him.

Take a step back and give him time to figure things out on his own.

Don’t spend too much time fantasizing about a future with him. Instead, focus on yourself and your life. When a man pulls away, give him space and don’t guilt him about it. 

Keep your cool

Whatever the exact scenario; he cancels a date; he stops being as responsive to texts. Or he altogether stops pursuing you.

And you are like, “What the fuck just happened?”

Don’t panic. Don’t jump to conclusions. Take a couple of big breaths and take a metaphoric chill pill. Read this article, and I can assure you that you will understand him and the situation much better.

His behavior can be completely normal

The bottom line is that when a man pulls away, you do nothing.

His behavior can actually be a normal step towards a healthy, strong relationship. So, when your man pulls away, don’t go rushing after him.

All men fluctuate between their need for freedom and their need for love.

Things will work out for the best

So when he pulls away, it is absolutely crucial that you do nothing. The reason is that if you try to get him closer to you at this point, he might feel trapped and pull away even more.

If he likes you enough, he will come back. If he doesn’t come back, he wasn’t the man for you.

Examples of why men pull away

You probably want answers. How can he behave like this? What does it mean? Was everything I just experienced only a charade? Was it the sex?

There is not one single answer to the question of why a man pulls away.

Instead, let me give you a couple of different answers as to why men pull away. We got those answers from talking with over 300 men.

So, this result is up to date. This is how modern men behave and think.

The men gave us the following reasons:

• Things were moving too fast.
• His feelings didn’t develop the way he thought they would.
• He was having second thoughts about the relationship.
• He discovered something about you he didn’t like and now he need space to process the new information.
• He isn’t into you.
• He is emotionally unavailable.

OK, no one flat-out said they were emotionally unavailable, but we read between the lines. It is a common trait among emotionally unavailable men to be very invested and enthusiastic in the beginning and then to pull back when things get too serious.

To better understand this kind of man, you can read our article “10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.“

Don’t dwell too much on the exact reason

When you ask yourself why he has pulled away at this specific moment, it can be one or a combination of the above reasons. Regardless of the reason, the solution will be the same. So don’t spend too much time thinking about why he has pulled away. Just do nothing, and you will have done everything in your power to keep the relationship on track.

There are a few things you can do while you are doing nothing.

Examine Your Role

When you ask yourself why the man you have been seeing suddenly pulls away, you also have to take a critical look at yourself and your behavior. Because there is the possibility that you changed. Many men have described this process to us.

Maybe you changed?

He meets a fun-loving, strong, and confident woman. A woman who seemed to be independent and interesting and had everything going for her.

A couple of months or weeks later, he discovered that she was also needy, insecure, and not even as funny as he had thought.

This could be the real reason why he pulls away. He could be pulling away because of you. Take some time and examine your own behavior.

Have you invested too much in the relationship too soon?

What is neediness?

Let’s take a closer look at neediness. A needy woman is dependent on the man in order for her to feel good. (Men can also be needy)

When a person believes that another person is responsible for their happiness, their sense of well-being, and their sense of self-esteem, they become too needy. A healthy person will back away from this sort of behavior.

Be the best version of you

We all want to be with someone who is special to us.

If someone invests too much of their emotional well-being in a relationship, we get the feeling that they are desperate for a relationship and that their love doesn’t have anything to do with us.

We all want someone who inspires us

This is why we all have to play hard to get from time to time. Ask yourself what he liked so much about you when you first met? There is a chance that you are no longer showing these character traits. If this is the case, change your behavior accordingly.

Give him space and don’t guilt him about it

What to do when a man pulls away?

Give him what he wants.

He needs a short break to find out if he wants to be with you. Or he just needs some space to be alone or to be with his friends.

He needs a bit of freedom

When a man pulls away, be patient. You will never know exactly why he needs space. And no, you can’t just ask him. He might not be aware of why he needs space.

He might not even think he needs space or that he is pulling away. He might just tell you that he has a lot of other things that need his attention.

Accept the situation for what it is

Why he needs the space isn’t as important as what you do when he’s looking for space.

It’s crucial that you are cool.

If you come across as anxious, trying to ask him what’s wrong, or asking what he is feeling, he will feel pressured. Instead, take a couple of steps back. Acknowledge the fact that the future is out of your control. He might come back. He might not come back.

Don’t push him

Trying to make him come back will create a vicious circle. He pulls back. You get insecure and try to get his validation one way or another. He feels trapped, like your happiness depends on him.

And thus, he pulls away even more. Instead, when he pulls away, do nothing. And the essential addition to this is not to make him feel guilty about needing space. You are strong and generous. If he needs space, it is easy for you to give him space.

Understand where he is coming from

There is a lot of hate out there for guys who pull away. Let’s not fall into that trap. Instead, let’s give the guy some sympathy. Sympathy and its cousin empathy are easy recipes for a successful life.

The more you understand where other people come from, the more you will realize that their behavior doesn’t necessarily have something to you with you and your behavior.

Fear of the wrong relationship

The truth is that men are not afraid of relationships. They are afraid of the wrong relationship.

And you should also be afraid of the wrong relationship. No single decision, not even your career, will affect your mental and physical health as much as your partner. It’s your choice. Make it a good one.

He might know why the two of you are not compatible

If he needs space, there is the possibility that he has seen something that makes the two of you incompatible as a couple.

That’s OK.

You are glad that he discovered this now and not years down the road.

The truth is, most of the time, when a guy pulls away, he just needs some space. Nothing more complicated than that. Men have a greater need for independence than most women.

Focus on yourself

We crave control. We need control.

Especially when we are falling in love with someone, we suddenly have so much to lose. But when you deal with a man who pulls away, you need to accept that his behavior is beyond your control. We can’t control other people. To try and control other people’s behavior is controlling and destructive.

The thing you do have control over is your reactions. And, to a certain extent, your feelings.

Don’t spend too much time investing in a future with him

The start of a relationship happens on two levels, the investment you make in the future and the investment you have made in getting to know each other and spending time together.

When we meet someone we like, our brains start spinning. We picture romantic holidays, marriage, and kids with this person. It’s nice to daydream. I’m not going to take that pleasure away from you.

Your fantasy is not about him

But when you put the face of your new guy in your daydreams, it is also important to recognize those scenarios for what they are, fantasies. It’s an investment in a future that might never happen. Well, at least not with him.

It’s your future, but it’s not necessarily his future.

You are dreaming of him now, but a couple of months down the road, the dream will be the same, but the male character might be someone else.

Question if he is really the right one for you

If he keeps pulling away and pulls away a lot without explanation or any regard for your feelings, he might not be the right man for you.

You want a man capable of closeness, right?

If he pulls away in a cruel way, consider that move his way of telling you that he is not able to give you what you need.

A man who makes you feel anxious and insecure is not a good match. Be understanding about where he is coming from. But also stay true to yourself. It all depends on how strongly he pulls away.

To learn more about destructive relationship habits, check out our article about manipulative behavior and love bombing.

Talk to Him

In the beginning, I told you not to talk to him. But now I think you are ready.

A healthy relationship is built on good communication. If you feel you want to talk to him, go ahead and talk to him. Ask him how he regards the situation and explains that you miss him.

It’s cooler and more effective to do nothing when a man pulls away. But it is also OK to tell him how you feel and to have a conversation about what you need in order for the relationship to progress.

Check out our article about “How to get someone to open up emotionally.” to become closer to your new man.

A Final Note

Men pull away for all sorts of reasons. But the different reason does have a common determination. He needs time and space to figure things out.

Be kind and empathic and give him the time and space to make his own decision over his own life.