Limerence -Everything you need to know

Obsessing over another human

Have you ever been obsessed with another person? Spending an unhealthy amount of time thinking about them, having romantic fantasies about them, watching them in secret, trying to figure them out?

Most of us have.

Turn out there is a term for this; Limerence. In this article, I will tell you everything you need to know about limerence.

Definition of Limerence

Limerence is when you have an involuntary state of intense romantic desire for someone, this someone is referred to as the Limerent or Limerent objective (LO). When you are experiencing these intense emotions, you are unable to focus on other aspects of your life.

All your energy is focused around the limerent objective. You have a crippling erotic obsession, often with a person who is more or less a stranger to you.

I instinctively knew what Limerence was

I had never heard of the term before, but I instantly understood the meaning. Once upon a time, I told a lover that he had cast a spell on me. My erotic obsession with him didn’t seem to be justified by the pretty ordinary man in front of me.

Clearly, it was a case of limerence. And yes, the admiration did disappear when I got to know him better.

I watched him from a distance

I remember secretly watching another man for years. When no one noticed, I studied him. To me, he was an exotic insect I had never seen before and whose behavior was utterly fascinating. I never worked up enough courage to talk with him.

But I did take a strange pleasure in all the small detail I knew about him, what time he went to lunch, how he liked his coffee, the absolutely adorable way he scratched his beard while talking to someone.

What is limerence?

Having limerence is a form of addiction, but instead of being addicted to a substance or an activity, you are addicted to a person.

Your thoughts about that person become so compulsive that you have a hard time concentrating on your life. Your work, your friends, your hobbies, everything else fades away.

You are overly focused on your LO

Instead, the limerent objective takes up most of your mental space. Occasions where you interacted with the limerent objective, even in very small insignificant ways, are scrutinized and replayed from memory with great vividness. You analyze and interpret extremely small details of the behavior of the limerent objective.

You think your passion might be reciprocated

It can also be the case that you invent different explanations for why neutral actions towards you are a sign of hidden passion in the limerent object. You might start to think that your feelings are reciprocated.

It’s normal to suffer from extreme mood swings, one moment being in love and high as a result of that feeling. The next moment feeling rejected and experience the hopelessness of the situation. Both of those feelings are played out with great intensity.

You put them on a huge pedestal

Limerence is also defined as a glorification of the limerent object. Thus you are idolizing him or her, seeing them as an extremely beautiful and very special human.

Limerence is a larger-than-life love story that predominately takes place in your fantasy.

Love or limerence?

A love story and a real relationship can start as limerence. In those cases, the initial limerence is replaced by actually getting to know the other person and falling in love with them.

But most cases don’t go this way because limerence often only lasts if the passion stays unfulfilled.

Your secret obsession

The amount of erotic obsession, which is the very core of a limerent episode, simply does not occur with someone you can actually fall in love with and start a relationship with.

Limerence is the unfulfilled love story, the secret passion, the dopamine-infused longing. It’s not love, it’s obsessive lust.

You are addicted to the fantasy

One of the definitions of limerence is that the limerent objective is seen in a glorified light. This unrealistic view of another person does not survive everyday life. If you had the chance of getting to know your limerent, they probably wouldn’t be as spell bounding anymore.

Limerence is a drug

Thus, limerence is not as much about the limerent objective as it might seem.

Limerence is a temporary insanity whit in you.

When you fall in love, your brain releases a mixture of different well-being chemicals (norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine; a natural amphetamine, estrogen, and testosterone, to be more exact).

The same goes for limerence.

You can’t step away from the drug

Your brain behaves like you just got a fix of really good cocaine. Since you want more of that intoxicant mixture, your mind keeps going back to the limerent. Your thoughts become obsessive, and your reward system goes into overdrive.

Duration of limerence

The duration of the limerence is everything from a couple of weeks to several years. The average period being from 18 months to 3 years. Some people have even told stories of their obsession dating back 23 years.

So now you understand that to get over limerence, you need to be patient. The long period the phenomenon lasts is another feature that makes it unique. This strange condition can last remarkably longer than falling in love.

Limerence is hard to get rid of

A normal infatuation only lasts three months, and two years are another milestone when you start seeing your love object in a more realistic light. Many relationships end at the 2-year mark because of this effect. While limerence, on the other hand, often stretches over several years.

Here is a story where one of our readers shares her experience with limerence.

Stages of limerence

When you first start noticing a potential limerent objective, it’s called the glimmer. There is a glimmer around this person that attracts you to them and makes you slowly realize that you are dealing with a limerent objective.

Phase 1

The first stage is called infatuation. During this phase, you start idealizing your LO’s personality and looks. You start observing them and looking for signs that they may have noticed you as well.

Phase 2

The second phase is called crystallization and is defined by a full-blown limerence episode.

In this phase, you are suffering from compulsive thoughts and fantasies. You might have difficulties dealing with everyday tasks. Your mood goes up and down depending on what’s going on with your limerent objective.

Phase 3

The last phase is called deterioration, this is when the limerence starts to fade, and you begin viewing the limerent objective and your feelings in a more realistic light. The crazy infatuation is coming to an end. You might feel a combination between sadness and relief.

How to get over limerence

Many times limerence is defined by being unwelcomed. You might already be in a relationship. There might be extremely good reasons why a relationship with the limerent objective is not possible.

Limerence relationships can be incredibly intimate, for example, people who have an unnaturally close relationship with a coworker or their boss. Or whit a close friend. In these cases, they know their limerent objective, but they don’t know them in other settings. (As a partner and a lover.) The infatuation and obsession can thus continue.

Ask yourself hard questions

To get over your limerence, you need to take a critical look at your life in general and your love life in particular. If you have a relationship, ask yourself if you are genuinely happy with your relationship?

If you are single, ask yourself why you have such strong feelings for someone unattainable? Also, take a look at your professional life. Are you unsatisfied when it comes to your career? Limerence is often an alarm signal that you need to make some changes in how you live your life.

Be patient; becoming Limerence-free takes time

But it can also be that your life is perfectly fine. In this case, only time will help. Try to distract yourself and be prepared that it might take some time to get over your limerence. Try not to fantasize about your limerent object since dreaming only fuels unwanted passion. Be patient with yourself and treat the limerence as a drawn-out version of the flu.

When you are trying to break free, remember this kind of obsession is a form of addiction.

Big life event might trigger Limerence

Limerence is also common to occur when big life-evolving events are going on in your life. For example, the death of someone close to you. Try and take the time necessary for healing. Put your focus on the big life changes you are dealing with.

In this sense, limerence is an escape mechanism.

Getting over limerence

You can read my article How to get over your crush, some of the advice will work on limerence.

Living with limerence is a great place to find more information if you are suffering from limerence or just fascinated by the subject of limerence. There are many comments where people share their experiences and discuss the phenom.

A final note

Life is drama. Life is Romeo and Julia. Your life is where you are the main protagonist in your own movie, an exciting fun movie full of romance, adventure, and unexpected twists and turns.

Only sometimes, life is boring, a tasteless soup of predictable days and quiet nights. Life is far from as fulfilling as a movie. In those cases, our brain wants to treat us to some risk and some excitement.

Limerence makes life an emotional roller coaster

Enter a severe case of this strange addiction. All of a sudden, you are thrown into a whirlwind of strong feelings beyond your control. Limerence is a combination between lust and deepest despair. The phenomenon makes you feel alive, and that’s the strongest reason why it exists.

Not to say that limerence is not real. It is very real. People have ended their careers and their marriage because of limerence. Being a victim of these intense feelings can make you question everything you previously thought about your life and yourself.

You are not your feelings

How you survive your limerence is up to you. I would suggest a certain appreciation of your capability to experience such strong romantic feelings. But at the same time, try and look realistically at the situation. Feelings come and go. Feelings are not who you are. You are what you choose to do.