Limerence and Regret

A woman’s perspective and personal journey

I suffered through an intense limerence period, and I regret a lot of things with my behavior during that period. I wish we had several chances to try different ways of handling a problem and see in what way we could achieve the best outcome. But we only have one life, one possibility to make the correct decisions.

Guilt and regret

When experiencing limerence, regret is often a big part of the emotional turmoil. You feel guilty about having intense romantic emotions for someone other than your spouse.

You regret your emotional unfaithfulness.

When you lose your limerent object, you regret not telling them about your feelings. You regret not standing up for yourself and the possible future with them.

Furthermore, you realize that the whole big love affair might have only been a product of your imagination, and you regret your strong feelings as well.

Reasons for Limerence

You are more receptive to the allure of limerence when big life events or life crises are going on. This was certainly true in my case.

My mother had just died. I was 44 at the time, and her death felt like an earthquake. My whole existence started to rumble.

I missed her

With her no longer walking on the earth, it was like life itself had shifted to another form. Everything looked grey and dull. I wanted to call her, I wanted to get her advice, but this was, of course, impossible.

A troubled marriage

On top of this, my marriage was in trouble. Despite both my children being under the age of 8, our house was eerie quiet. No one dared to raise their voice, protest, or even laugh for fear that our whole existence would collapse.

My husband and I had started to hate each other.

At work, things were good

However, at work, the situation was good. I worked at a logistics company, and my workdays were full of challenges.

Logistics might not sound like a lot of fun or particularly creative. But that’s just because you haven’t had to come up with a solution on how to transport a circus from one continent to another.

I had my own office, and that big corner room was where I felt most at ease. So maybe it was no coincidence that it was in there I developed my limerence.

The first Glimmer

I didn’t think much about him the first time I saw him, my future Limerent Object. His name was Tom, and he looked average and trustworthy. I remember thinking HR had done a good job. He was the new guy, 25 years old, just out of college, and I was his boss.

We became friends, sort of

Over the next few months, we developed a friendship.

Tom often lingered in my office to talk about things unrelated to work. I became increasingly attracted to him. By summertime, I was in a full-blown limerence storm.

Although I had never heard the term, I suffered greatly.

Tom was all I could think about, and I obsessively played out our interaction in my mind, everything to try and figure out if my feeling were reciprocated.

I was constantly fantasizing about him

I also had a lot of fantasies, sexual and non-sexual, about Tom and me. In my mind, we went on holiday together; we stayed up all night talking. I introduced him to my children.

Tom was present and sweet

Tom was very different from my husband. He was warm and talkative, whereas my husband was cold and distant. I spend a lot of time thinking about how great my life would have been if it had been Tom, not my husband, who was my partner.

In many ways, I hadn’t felt that sensual and awake in years. No wonder I couldn’t resist the dopamine rush of limerence.

Limerence Symptoms

That holiday (the real holiday), I barely noticed my children, and the patience I had previously shown my husband was long gone. We fought a lot. We drank a lot.

The children were still and quiet. They shrank into the decoration or went away on their own adventure.

My biggest regret

The way I treated my children and the risk I put them through is one of my biggest regret with my limerence episode.

In my memory, I don’t even recognize myself, and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t suffered from limerence can understand.

My children became insignificant, and whenever they misbehaved, I took my anger and frustration out on them.

My thoughts about Tom became compulsive

Instead of taking care of my children, I compulsively fantasized about Tom, wondering how he spent his holiday.

Every hour away from him felt like acid on my skin.

I was physically hurting from his absence. I didn’t even know him, but this rational thought didn’t affect my craziness. I didn’t understand myself. In fact, I didn’t know anything about limerence and regret.

Limerence was the diagnosis of the problem

Staying up late one night, drinking wine to try and numb myself, I found the term limerence, and everything made sense. This website; living with limerence, does an excellent job supporting people who suffer from limerence.

I read that limerence is not love and not lust, but rather being irrationally obsessed with another human.

That seemed to be accurate for my situation, even though part of me protested and declared that the things I felt for Tom were the most love and lust I felt for anyone.

Was the love reciprocated?

The holiday was over, and I went back to work. I was more infatuated with Tom than ever before. He had the most intense brown eyes; he always seemed to gulp me down. Or was that just my mind interpreting things to my advantage?

I didn’t know if he felt the same

Impossibly to say. For me, it was the mystery of the situation that had me completely mesmerized. Did he like me? Did he not like me? I could spend hours contemplating this. Sometimes I enjoyed this simple question, sometimes, it depressed me.

Finding yourself in a similar situation, here is a great beginner’s guide to Limerence; Limerence – everything you need to know.

Getting over Limerence

One day Tom stepped into my office and told me he had found another position and was leaving us.

I searched his face for clues. Was he indifferent? Or was this just a way for him to try and get away from his feeling for me? As if he could read my mind, he said that he would miss me. He said all of our discussions had taught him a lot, and he couldn’t have had a better boss.

We never know what another human feel

That’s the thing about other human beings. We never really know what’s going on inside them.

For me, that mystery and the excitement it gives to your life is a big appeal with limerence.

When we have strong feelings for someone, we might try and hide them. Especially if we are already in a relationship. I didn’t know if Tom knew what I felt for him. I most certainly didn’t know if he felt anything at all for me.

Here is a great article if you do indeed want to find out if someone has feelings for you; How to tell if someone likes you.

Starting no contact

In my studies of limerence, I had come across “no contact” as a way to get over limerence.

So even if I was devastated, I was also relieved. My feelings had clearly gotten the better of me. I couldn’t keep on being irritated with my children and my husband. My limerence had to end.

Should I tell him?

During the last months we spent together, I contemplated telling him. I wanted to tell him. But there was no real future, was there?

My marriage became my excuse. I was not strong enough to be the one who ended things with my husband. What would my children feel and think if I walked away from their father to pursue a man 20 years senior?

I couldn’t face being rejected by Tom

But the real truth was that I was terrified of being rejected.

That’s why I know everything about limerence and regret. I didn’t tell Tom about my feelings because I wanted to keep the illusion of our romance. I was simply too attached to the slight possibility that he might feel something similar to what I was feeling.

He looked sad during those few months, and then he went away to live his own life far from me.

Limerence and Regret

Five years later, my husband informed me, in that cold, distant tone he had perfected during our marriage, that he had met someone new and was leaving me.

I instantly thought about Tom. Regret swept in over me like a big dark tidal wave.

My marriage was over

That’s the thing with limerence and regret; you try and control your life and make the right decisions, but some things are outside of your control. My husband moved out instantly, and I was single again for the first time in 20 years. I was too sad to contact Tom. I didn’t think I could handle another rejection.

Tom was already married

A couple of months later, I sent him a friend request, and he accepted immediately. All those pictures of him and his life. The glimmer in his eyes.

He was always laughing, always looking like he was just about to say something. He had gotten married. His wife looked sweet and young, and more regret pierced my heart.

I contacted him

I messaged him. This was actually a recommendation from my therapist. I explained my divorce in the message, and I asked him about us. He was always such a nice guy, he answered straight away, and his message was full of compassion.

He said that he had indeed liked me during that period. We had a connection, and he had a lot of nice memories of all our conversations. It was such a relief. I wasn’t completely crazy. Maybe it wasn’t limerence at all?

I remembered all our discussions. They were all etched into my brain. So many of his jokes and his opinions have stayed with me. I still sometimes replay them to try and cheer myself up. Love is possible. Love is out there.

A final note on limerence and regret

At the moment, I’m trying to date, and I have even had a couple of relationships. But no one seems to be nearly as great as Tom. It’s been almost ten years since I first met him.

There is one question I will never know the answer to:

Should I have said something to Tom about my feelings?