I don’t have friends

What to think and where to start when friendship is on your mind

Friends see you. They hear you. Friends ask what you have been up to and about your plans for the weekend. They are annoying sometimes, demanding, you have to listen to their problems for hours. Sometimes those friends disappear, all of them, and you end up in the wasteland and you say to yourself, “I don’t have friends.”

The no-friend desert

When you don’t have friends, things get quiet. Your phone doesn’t ring, and you don’t have to do anything, and the weekends are wide open.

Sometimes you don’t have friends and you are happy with your situation. Other times you wonder what happened and where does one go to find friends? Especially when everyone else already seems to have friends.  

You don’t need friends

I don’t know why you are googling “I don’t have friends.” Maybe you just want some reassurance that you don’t need friends. Not having friends are normal. Many people don’t have friends. According to this UK report 13 percent report having no close friends.

If you need reasurance, I can tell you that you don’t need friends. Your life will be fun and interesting even without friends.

There are hundreds of activities you can do and enjoy on your own or together with a partner. There is nature and sport and music and creative pursuits. Without friends, you will have time for all of them.  

You need to recharge those batteries

Or you might need the little free time you have to rest and focus on yourself. That is totally OK. Friendships take a lot of energy and effort and they are not as rewarding as movies and TV shows make them out to be. Let’s just say friends are not as funny and witty as in manuscripts and they all come with their own unique set of problems.

You might have friends

We all have different definitions of what qualifies as a friend. Maybe you have people you play video games with? Or chat with online? Maybe you are very active in different communities?

Or you work all the time, 24-7, and you think and breathe your job, so the friends you did have earlier in your life have slowly faded away.

Friends naturally disappear

Many people lose friends as they move through life. They find a partner, get married, get kids, move to a new city, and have an amazing and demanding career.

And at every turn, they lose a couple of friends and since they are busy with everything else that’s going on, they just don’t make new friends.

So yeah, you might have friends; you just haven’t talked with them for years.

If you want to rekindle one of those friendships, check out our article How to repair a friendship.

An argument for having friends

It’s OK to be a person who doesn’t have any friends. But it is equally OK to one day realize that you don’t have friends and that you miss the friends you don’t have. Friendships, generally speaking, makes life richer and more fun.

Great friends are people who inspire you, who you genuinely laugh with and who you feel honored to have met. Those kinds of friendships make us feel alive and happy and safe. They make us feel less alone in this long and lonely life of ours.

Reasons why you might not have friends

So you don’t have friends? The reason behind this can be some kind of character flaw you are not aware of. Or it can be purely circumstances. Most likely, it’s a combination of the two. But don’t beat yourself up. We have all been in a situation where we don’t have any friends. And we all have character flaws.

Reflect on who you are as a friend

You do have to take some time and think about what you bring to friendships. There is a risk that you are too demanding in one way or other. Maybe you talk too much, or you talk too little?

Or that you talk too much about yourself without asking any questions?

Whatever your shortcomings, try and be aware of them and improve yourself in future relationships.

If you want to make friends

You don’t have to stay friend-less for the rest of your life. There are plenty of ways to make friends. Check out our article about How to make new friends in your 30s, if you want to do a deep dive into the subject.

Follow your passion

Here I will share some of my best tips: Try to do things you enjoy doing, but in a group setting. A simple example of this is that if you enjoy walking, you can join a walking group. If you enjoy reading, you can join a book club. At these gatherings, you don’t even have to talk with the other people present.

The important part is that you are doing things close to other people. This will make you feel like you are part of something and that feeling will help you open up to people and eventually get you some friends.

Befriend someone different from you

Another cool trick worth mentioning is to try and befriend an extrovert if you are an introvert. Basically, extroverts have a lot of social energy and they have a lot to say. They always need more people to listen to them. You can be that person.

Use your humor, listening skills, and calmness to win them over. You might object that you don’t want one of those annoying people as a friend. But extroverts have their place. They will bring you to places and introduce you to other people.

Regard it as you are taking advantage of their strength (a big social circle) and as a payoff, you offer them your strength; listening.

Meet your match

On the other hand, if you are more extroverted, just find an introverted friend who enjoys listening to your stories and the fact that you always have places you want to go.

If you don’t have friends, but want to get friends, don’t worry. You might not have found your tribe yet. But I can assure you that they are out there.

You have to make an effort to find the right friends

There is a lot of dating advice, and a lot of people put in an effort to meet the one.

Friendship works in a similar way since when you meet a friend, you meet someone you connect with. For that connection to deepen into a real friendship, both of you have to be willing to spend the time and effort necessary.

The two of you have to be a good friendship match. The more unique you are as a person, the more difficult it will be to find your unique match. But they are out there.

You have to work for the connection

Finding new friends is not something that is just going to happen. You have to put in a conscious effort. Even more so than with a romantic partner. There is no love- hormones involved in finding a friend. Thus friendship comes down to you connecting with another human.

You have to put in the effort

To give this connection a chance ever to occur, you have to meet people.

You have to talk with them and put yourself out there. Kind of like the dreaded dating game.

It sucks. But the result will be worth the effort. So just leave your apartment and see what will happen.  

Friendships demand your effort

Unless you have been without friends your whole life (which is also totally OK), you had friends at one point. And then you lost those friends. The reason you lost them was not completely your fault, but you did have a part in it.

And regardless of the exact details, the reason is always the same: you didn’t invest enough in the friendship. This time around, you have to be a better friend.

When you find a new friend or a couple of friends, you have to bring more value to their lives.

Be vulnerable

You also have to open up to your new friends. Check out our article How to be more emotionally available, the same principle goes for friendship as well as romantic relationships.

A lot of people who struggle to make friends are not good at letting other people in. Focus on really getting to know what is unique and special about the person. What makes them different from every other person?

Also, focus on telling them personal things about yourself. As long as the conversation only regards surface-level things, friendship is not likely to develop.

Lower your standards, if you want to make friends

Do you know why some people are alone? They simply have too high standards. The answer really is that simple.

With a romantic relationship, you might not be willing to lower your standards; after all, you only get one shot, but with friends, things are different. You can have lots of friends.

So, go ahead and make friends with all weirdos you meet along the way. Make friends with all those other people who seem lonely. True, they might lack social skills. But everyone needs a friend. You know that more than most people.

There are no perfect friends

Don’t wait for the perfect friends to come into your life; invite everyone. Even the people you don’t think you will get along with. Organize a dinner or some form of activity and invite lots of random people. The whole event might be a catastrophe, but you will get lots of practice on making new friends.

To lower your standards is such an important point. Many people are sans friends, just like you.

Those people are everywhere and many of them are trying to connect with other humans. Be open to them. Change your perspective for what you imagine your friends would be like.

Additional tips on how to handle the situation when you don’t have friends

We are all born with different levels of social skills.

Some people are naturals in the art of charming the people around them. Some of us struggle a bit more to connect with other humans. Our social skills are a bit lacking.

No need to despair. Social skills and charm can be learned. Check out our article How to be more charismatic as a woman for some cool tips.

Practice meeting people

On top of this, there is only one way to improve, you guessed it, to be able to work on your social skills, you have to get out and practice and interact with lots of other people. No way around this. Just regard society as your social skill training university. The good thing is that the earth is full of humans, so you will always get a second chance to practice.

Talk to someone

Consider therapy. If you are troubled by the fact that you don’t have any friends, a skilled therapist will be able to point you in the right direction. There might be something in the way of people getting to know the real you. This something can be shyness or anxiety.

It can be as simple as the fact that you don’t allow people to get to know you.

You might think that it’s a social stigma not to have friends. But don’t worry, everyone is too busy with their own problems to observe that you don’t have any friends. So, don’t let your lack of friends keep you from finding new friends.

A Final Note

You get friends by bringing value to someone’s life. When they have a presence in your life, you just keep on bringing them value. If you don’t have friends, focus on being a friend to someone.