When a guy acts interested then backs off – 11 top reasons why and how to react

The real reasons and the best strategies to implement

He seemed to really like you. He was talking about the future, being affectionate and you were impressed by his communication skills. You started thinking that you had finally found a catch. But then he changed and became distant and now you are puzzled; what does it mean when a guy acts interested then backs off?

Let’s find out exactly why he acted interested and then backed off

First, I will go through the 11 most common reasons why this frustrating event occurs. Remember that the answer can be a combination of several of those reasons. Humans are complex and falling in love is a vulnerable experience.

Understanding him is key to getting him back

When a man who acted all hot and interested suddenly becomes cold and distant, it is easy to get angry with him. (Or to try and clutch him even harder.)

You probably think he has tricked you or led you on.

But to win him over and make him fall in love with you, you need to understand him. No one likes to be told what they should do and feel.

1. You were too needy

Let’s start with the most common problem first.

Since women, generally speaking, have an easier time becoming romantically attached to a man, he might simply think that things were moving too fast.

As a rule, men take a longer time to develop feelings for a woman. Always remember this and you will be able to play things cool.

You were feeling in love and acted accordingly

So, when I say you were too needy, I simply mean you were acting like he was already your boyfriend. You put expectations on him.

You might have wanted to see him every day, you might have called and texted too much. Or you might have demanded exclusivity.

He was interested, but then you started acting in a way that he felt was suffocating and as a result, he needed some space.

You need to give him space to develop feelings for you according to his own phase. I will tell you more techniques of how to do this later on.

2. You were too closed off

Not all women are too needy when entering a relationship. There is also a good chunk of us that have the opposite problem. We have a hard time opening up and letting someone in.

The problem with this is that most men have a very strong desire to feel needed and wanted. He wants to make a real impact in your world.

If you are a strong, independent woman, you might have unconsciously pushed him away.

Reflect on your patterns

If you suspect this might be the reason, I urge you to go over your interactions and think about them from his point of view.

That conversation when you told him you didn’t need a man or that time when you were too busy to answer his calls, maybe he felt like he wasn’t desirable enough by you, and this feeling lowered his feelings.

You can never know why he backed off, (Unless you ask ;).) But you can become more conscious of your own behavior and the actions you might do that push someone away.

3. He is emotionally unavailable

A guy who invests too much too soon might be emotionally unavailable. To be very hot and eager right away is actually a sign of someone who has an attachment trauma.

Check out my very popular article Confessions of an emotionally unavailable man, to find out what’s going on below the surface.

People who have secure attachments take their time evaluating a new person and deciding where they want to take the relationship.

He wanted you badly

If this particular guy was love-bombing you right from the start, he might not have seen the real you (he didn’t know you). He just saw his idealized version of you.

The important thing is to not blame him for this behavior, he is only acting in accordance with his specific trauma. Inside him is a genuinely nice person just looking to be loved.

4. He discovered something about you he didn’t like

There is also the possibility that he is a secure person ready for love and capable of achieving that goal.

The dating phase is an opportunity to evaluate each other. Not everyone is a good match.

He might have noticed that you are messy or have a political view that doesn’t align with his. Or he might simply not share your sense of humor.

Our desires are a complicated map

When we start dating, we do not only have a conscious list of traits we want to have in our future partner, but we also have a lot of things we desire on a deep subconscious level.

There might be nothing nefarious going on, he simply detected a deal breaker. This is one of the biggest reasons why a guy acts interested and then backs off.

Maybe he likes to make racist jokes and he senses this might not fly with you. He can be a bit of an idiot, you know.

5. He is not ready for a serious commitment

This happens all the time. First, the two of you date and everything is fun and games. He is enjoying your company. If the two of you were intimate, he was probably enjoying the sex.

But not everyone is in a stage where they want a serious commitment.

He is simply not there yet

A relationship takes a lot of time and energy, some of us simply want to spend our precious time on other things. For men, they need to have achieved certain things before they have any desire to settle down.

So now when the two of you had been going out for a while, he realized it was time to make a decision. He didn’t want to lead you on and encourage you for nothing. His decision was that he is simply not ready to fully commit to a relationship.

He might also have sensed that you grew more and more serious.

6. He realized the two of you don’t want the same things

When we form a long-term committed relationship, some things need to line up.

We need to decide if we want a family and, more importantly, when we want a family. We also need to decide which country or city to live in.

He has a vision for his life

He might actually be more than ready for a serious relationship, but if he realizes that you are a city girl, while he is longing to grow his own vegetables, he might make the right decision and call things off.

Why not tell you?

If you made it this long, you might be thinking that he should have communicated the things he didn’t like about you. But a lot of people are afraid of conflict.

He might not know himself

Also, he might not have articulated those reasons for himself.

He might simply not be feeling it as strongly as he did in the beginning. He doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong, and that’s why he hasn’t communicated his reason to you.

Also, he might just be afraid to hurt your feeling, or afraid about your tears.

7. He found someone else

I know this one sucks, but it is nevertheless true. When a man is out in the dating game, looking for the one, he usually has several candidates.

This is actually a good thing. Dating makes us realize what’s important to us and what we like.

Someone fun and easygoing? Someone deep and complex? The choice is not always an easy one.

He didn’t appreciate you enough

So, when you are forced to ask what happened when a guy acts interested then backs off, your worst nightmare might be true.

He did choose someone else. And he didn’t have the balls to tell you. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. But do find some solace in the fact that he was simply not the right guy for you.

The right guy will recognize everything that is amazing with you and he will indeed pick you.

8. He wants some space

When a guy backs off, a lot of us women have a tendency to act as if that’s the end of the relationship. In most cases, it is not so.

He already likes you, you know that. But as mentioned earlier, men take a longer time to develop romantic feelings. They also need much more space to reflect on their own.

Falling in love is a vulnerable situation for a man. He might need to find his center again by retreating to a place where he feels emotionally safe.

Give him time to reflect and make his own decision

A smart woman will give him all the time he gets.

You should not try to convince him to pick you. You should give him enough space for him to convince himself to fall for you.

9. He was only in it for the sex

Sex is great. You feel your confidence increasing. You feel high, attractive and desirable. Only when the sex drug wears off, you start coming back to reality.

I interviewed more than 300 men in preparation for this site and many of them admitted that before they sleep with a girl, she seems super funny, intriguing and gorgeous. But once they get to the finish line, they start to see her in a more realistic light.

He was seeing a sexualized version of you

So, he might not have been deceitful, his biological programming deceived him.

We are all just humans, with our faults and shortcomings. Once he fully sees this side of you, his infatuations might wear off. Such is the reality of our biological imprint.

The question you should ask yourself is; are you seeing a romanticized version of him? I can promise you one thing, and that is that he is just an ordinary guy.

10. He has other priorities right now

Many women get a huge part of their identity from their love life.

The search for a suitable partner takes up a lot of our mental capacity. For some of us, the rest of our life is a mere afterthought.

When you are trying to understand a guy who acts interested and then backs off, it’s important that you fully grasp this fundamental difference between men and women.

Most women are always looking for love, but this is not always the case for men.

He needs to put his focus everywhere

For some men, their love life is a third or fourth priority. He might be more interested in video games, sports, writing a novel, focusing on his career, working out, saving up money to travel the world… The list is really endless. (He might have a secret gambling addiction.)

11. He likes someone else

Yeah, let’s go there.

He might not be hooking up with someone else. But if he has stopped pursuing you, one of the top reasons is that he has started to pursue someone else.

I know it stings. He might even be pinning for someone emotionally unavailable. While you are right here, waiting by your phone, ready to love him.

He might have been scared

One thing doesn’t exclude another; when we feel things are getting serious with someone, this might trigger a lot of fear. Fear of rejection, for example. As to not have to deal with that fear, our subconscious chooses another person to become attracted to.

We feel safe with our new crush. We protect ourselves by developing feelings for someone else, someone safer.

How to react when a guy acts interested then backs off

Now that we know all the major reasons why this phenomenon happens, let’s take an in-depth look at how to act.

When a guy acts interested then backs off is an excellent opportunity to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.

Whatever hurts you about this particular situation is exactly the thing you need to work on healing.

1. Strengthen your own identity

The biggest favor you can do to yourself is to work towards feeling safe and at peace on your own. Love yourself is a cliché for a reason.

You do this by having a healthy inner monologue, not beating yourself up. Don’t tell yourself it’s your fault that he has stopped reaching out. Treat yourself with the kindness you would treat a dear friend.

Focus on the things you are passionate about

Continue to have fun and live your life. Make plans for yourself and follow through. You should also journal about your feelings as a way to process the experience. Starting a meditation practice is another game changer.

2. Give him space

When a guy pulls away, you actually don’t have to do anything. Just give him all the time and space he needs and be cool with whatever outcome. (You can find someone better than him.)

This method is so simple and, at the same time, so profound that I wrote a whole article about it When He Pulls Away Do Nothing.

3. Ask him what’s going on

When you have given him a suitable amount of space, it is time to put on your grownup pants and have a real conversation.

Ask him how he is feeling.

Be open and curious. Try to understand him and his point of view. Whatever he tells you will teach you something about what it means to be human.

He should tell you why he has been acting strange

If he has been promising you the world, he does owe you an explanation.

Be firm and stand your ground. A nice, considerate guy will absolutely attempt to give you closure. Do ask him for an explanation when a guy acts interested, then backs off. His answer will help you get closure and move on.

If he refuses to have a conversation, check out my article How do I deal with a breakup without closure?

4. Tell him how you feel

He might not know how you feel about him. Honor your own emotions by clearly articulating them. If you are in love with him, tell him so.

When you tell him how you feel, without playing any games, you are being authentic and real. You are standing up for yourself.

You can write to him

If he doesn’t want to meet you, you can send a letter or a text message.

But remember telling him about what you feel is about you. You shouldn’t need his validation. You should feel proud of your feelings and your capacity to have them.

He might not want to hear it, but you are acting from a place of self-respect.

The conversation or message should be the final one. State your truth and move on.

5. Ask yourself what you learned from the situation

To be able to move on from any trauma, it is important to focus on how you grew and developed as a result of the situation.

You can be sad for a while; that’s totally ok.

But when you feel ready, grab a pen and paper and write down how this particular incident made you stronger and more self-aware.

Write your own story

For example, you got the chance to state your boundaries. You feel clearer about what you want and need in a relationship. You started new habits. You become better at taking care of yourself.

When you feel bitter, focus on those life lessons. That’s how you become a more self-confident, well-rounded person.

6. Acceptance, acceptance

We cannot change other human beings; we can only change how we deal with the situation.

You might feel like he is the perfect man for you, he certainly was in the beginning, but you have to accept that he had a darker, less decisive side.

Don’t focus on him changing

You probably wish badly that he will change. (He might). But don’t pin your hope on that. Instead, accept him as the deeply flawed human he turned out to be.

Also extend your acceptance to include yourself. Accept yourself and how ready you were to love.

7. Move on

Don’t get hung up on this guy.

If it feels hard to move on, I can tell you that the best way to get him back is to move on. I don’t know how men do this, but they seem to have a sixth sense for when you have truly moved on.

Date other guys, flirt, have fun, and go on an exciting trip. Exercise to take your mind off him. Become smarter and wiser, and never feel ashamed of your ability to love deeply.

A final note on when a guy acts interested and then backs off

If he behaves like this, not all is lost. You can still win him back. Just follow the steps above and maybe he come around.

Many people become scared at least once in the dating phase, only to later move past their fear and establish a serious committed relationship.

If this is not the outcome in your case, he simply wasn’t the right guy. You don’t want a guy who is not capable of communicating his feelings and intentions.

You want someone who consistently shows up. I promise that you will find him.