8 top reasons and lots of life-changing solutions
We all have moments of insecurity. We might doubt that our partner loves us or that they will stick around. As humans, it’s a natural instinct to look for potential danger around us. We want to protect ourselves. But it’s important not to let feelings of insecurity take over and rule your relationship. To understand how to deal with this problem, let’s check out the 8 main causes of insecurity in a relationship.
I will also tell you exactly how to deal with the different versions of insecurity.
To feel secure in your relationship is to become free.
If you are the insecure one
Do you doubt that your partner wants to be in the relationship? Are you plagued by thoughts about how you are not good enough for him? Insecurity is a tough feeling to live with. Logically you probably realize that your partner does love you, but emotionally you are constantly fearful.
Insecurity is not fun to experience. It also has a tendency to potentially destroy a good relationship. Thus, becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you suffer from insecurity, I want you to know that you can fix this problem. You can become the calm and harmonic person you were always meant to be.
If your partner is the insecure one
You have a partner and despite all your effort and reassurance, he still keeps doubting you. Maybe he put stress on the relationship by being jealous or depressed. You love him, but you do wish he could be a bit more secure.
Learning more about what causes insecurity in a relationship will absolutely help you in your quest to help him. Understanding is the first step to healing. Be empathetic towards him. No one wants to be insecure.
But also, don’t compromise too much when it comes to your own freedom. Taking too much responsibility for someone else’s emotional state leads to resentment and will eventually lead to the decay of the relationship.
If both of you feel insecure
Sometimes insecurity in a relationship becomes a vicious circle, where both of you feel insecure and keep feeding your insecurities.
If this is the case, it’s important to know that insecurity breeds more insecurity. You have to try and break the circle. You have to heal and step away from everything that causes insecurity in a relationship.
1. Low self-esteem
This is the first and most important point; if you have low self-esteem you are bound to feel insecure in any relationship.
It doesn’t matter how loving and reassuring your partner is. You still feel like you are about to lose them.
The reason behind this is that your feelings are not a reaction to reality. Your feelings about your relationship mirror your own feelings of unworthiness. You don’t see reality as it is, you view everything through your lenses of low self-esteem. This way reality seems to reinforce that what you are feeling is true.
The fact that you feel insecure in your relationship means, in a majority of cases, that you have low self-esteem.
People with high self-esteem are rarely insecure in a relationship because they know that if they are left by their partner, they will be OK.
Granted, it’s normal for everyone to feel insecure in their relationship from time to time. But those feelings should not be intensely painful or paralyzing.
How to fix this?
If you recognize yourself as a person who struggles with low self-esteem, it’s time to tackle that beast. I know you can become a secure, confident person.
We increase our self-esteem by getting to know ourselves and being present with ourselves. The more we feel calm and comfortable with our own company and without distractions, the more we increase our sense of self-worth.
Examples of this are putting away your phone and instead journaling. You can also try meditating, reading, or painting. Do whatever makes you feel truly connected to the essence of who you are. Stay present with yourself.
Finding your own identity and your own passions will make the relationship you have with yourself stronger, as a result, you will feel more grounded with your partner.
2. Our partner fails to make us feel secure
Your feeling can also be very real and a reaction to a reality that is not healthy for you.
You can feel insecure in your relationship because of emotional abuse.
Does your partner constantly go hot and cold? Is he nice one day, only to be cruel the next day? Does he do things that are unacceptable to you? Is the communication so bad so that you constantly feel unheard and unseen?
All of those are signs that your partner is what causes insecurity in your relationship.
If this is the case, it’s not low self-esteem that is the problem; it’s the dynamic between you and your partner.
It’s also possible that it’s not you at all, you simply have a toxic partner on your hands, read my article 14 Unmistakable Red Flags That Mean You Could Be Dating A Narcissist, for all the telltale signs.
How to fix this?
A toxic relationship can be improved. It’s all about communication and getting to know each other’s needs.
Start by asking for your needs to be met. Even if your partner doesn’t do a great job the first time around, follow through on getting him to understand what you need from him to make the relationship work.
Also, consider your boundaries and be clear about what is Ok with you and what is not Ok. If your partner does things that are unacceptable to you, it’s important that you communicate about the issue. Stand your ground.
You are making the relationship less toxic by being clear and consistent. For more tips, read my article How to fix an unhealthy relationship.
3. Past negative experiences
Insecurity in a relationship can also be caused by previous negative experiences.
If this is the case, your fearful feelings about your relationship do not have much bearing in reality. It can even go as far as you seeing and experiencing things that are not real at all. For example, thinking that your partner is getting bored with you. When in fact; he loves you more than ever.
We make strong emotional associations when we experience difficult and scary situations. They imprint us.
If you (or your partner) have experienced infidelity or an emotionally abusive relationship in the past, those experiences are bound to cause insecurity in your current relationship.
Bad childhood experiences are alsoone often a common causes of insecurity in a relationship.
How to fix this?
When negative experiences still affect us in our current relationship, it’s important we work through those experiences.
Take inventory of your past experiences and write down what beliefs you have gotten from those relationships. For example; all relationships end in heartbreak. Men cannot be trusted.
The next step is to tell yourself that those stories simply are not true. Also, come up with proof as to why those stories are not true. The more proof you come up with, the better. This exercise is good to do in written form.
You need to stop repeating negative stories to yourself. Everytime you repeat those stories, you let the past control you.
4. Lack of being independent
Many people become too dependent on their partners. Do you feel insecure because you are not sure if you could survive without your partner? Being too attached to your partner is a form of codependency.
Signs of codependency are; constantly needing reassurance and making every decision together, even decisions that don’t concern your partner.
Do you ask your partner about everything? Do you find it difficult to make decisions on your own?
You experience their feelings
Another sign is that you always take on your partner’s feelings, if they are feeling depressed, you feel depressed, etc.
This behavior leads you to the sensation of not having a clear boundary between where you start and where your partner end.
Codependency leads to insecurity because we are all individuals, and we need our individuality and our independence.
How to fix this?
Time to become a grown-up and take full responsibility for your emotion as well as the practicalities of being an adult.
Stop relying on your partner for every decision. Spend time apart from each other. Have your own interests and passions.
Stop feeling your partner’s emotions as if they are your own. Check out my article How to be an independent woman in a relationship, for more tips.
5. Important needs not being satisfied
We all have specific needs that have to be satisfied for us to be happy in a relationship. We might require a certain amount of physical touch, spending quality time together, or receiving enough words of affirmation.
Since we don’t all have the same love languages, this can lead to an unbalance that makes you question your partner’s love.
You feel as if you don’t get what you would want and need from a romantic relationship. This feeling of dissatisfaction leads to a lot of insecurity. When in fact it can be that you and your partner have different expectations of a relationship and different ways to show love.
How to fix this?
Time to have a sit down with your partner. This is a problem that can be solved by good communication and a willingness to compromise.
The first step is to become very clear about exactly what it is you are missing. We cannot ask to get our needs meet if we don’t know our own needs.
The second step is to follow through when it comes to getting those needs from your partner.
It’s often not enough to talk about this one time. People tend to slide back to the old behavior. You might have to remind your partner about your needs. A good partner will slowly learn what it takes to satisfy you.
Also, work towards fulfilling your partner’s needs. Ending this form of insecurity is all about finding a unique way for the two of you to work together as a couple.
6. Lack of compatibility
For a relationship to work and move forward there need to be a certain amount of compatibility.
You need to decide together where to live, if you should have kids or not, and how you should spend your free time. You also need to reach common ground on how much of your time you should spend together.
How to spend your money is another question that often shows exactly how compatible a couple is.
A certain number of differences is not a problem; it can even make the relationship better and more dynamic.
But if one person is a workaholic while the other person enjoys long holidays trekking the Himalayas, you can see how this kind of incompatibility would causes insecurity in a relationship.
How to fix this
When you understand that you are fundamentally two different persons that need to mend your lives together, you will feel more generous and understanding toward your partner.
It can be a good thing to write down how you like to spend your time and how you would want your future to look.
You can compare your wishes with your partner’s wishes. This way you will get a deeper understanding of each other. You will also get a better grasp on how your incompatibility affects your everyday life.
From here on, it’s about finding good ways to satisfy both of your needs.
7. Emotionally unavailable partner
A lot of people are afraid of intimacy and as a result, they shut down towards their partner in one way or another.
For example, they don’t want to introduce their partner to their family. They might not want to move in together, or even spend too much time together.
If you feel insecure in your relationship the reason can be that your partner withdraws emotionally as a means to protect himself. You probably need more emotional intimacy from your partner. You also need more of those milestones to be met.
Of course, you will feel insecure; you’re probably wondering if something is wrong.
How to fix this
To deal with a partner that prefers to move at a slower phase than you, it’s important that you consider your own needs, you need to be happy and satisfied in the relationship.
Having that said, it can absolutely be worth waiting for someone who is slower to warm up. It will test your patience and your confidence. But it is a good opportunity to work on your confidence and realize that your partner’s behavior is not a reflection of how much love they have for you, but rather a reaction to traumatic past experiences.
If you feel your partner fits into this category, I strongly recommend reading my article 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man. For all the solutions I recommend How to Connect with an Emotionally Unavailable Man.
This way you will get the understanding and strategies to deal with the situation.
8. Jealousy
Jealousy is more a symptom that there is insecurity going on in the relationship, than a reason for insecurity.
But I still had to mention it since it’s the most common manifestation of insecurity. When we are afraid that our partner will leave us, we often feel jealous of people in their life.
Most people who are insecure in their relationship are also jealous.
If you have a jealous partner, this can absolutely be one of the causes of insecurity about your partner and about the relationship as a whole.
How to fix it
If you are the one suffering from jealousy, you can work on your self-esteem and on strengthen your own identity. You can also work through negative past experiences. Take a look at the destructive stories you are telling yourself, write them down, and come up with proof of the opposite. For an in-depth guide that will absolutely help you, read How to stop being jealous in a relationship.
If your partner is struggling with jealousy, this will also affect how secure you feel in the relationship. Make sure you reassure your partner but don’t take on their insecurity and change your whole personality. Instead, read my article How to deal with a jealous boyfriend, for a life-changing guide on how to tackle this particular problem.
A Final note
A little bit of insecurity is normal even in a healthy relationship. But when your (or your partner’s) insecurity becomes crippling or downright toxic, it’s time to address this painful problem. Now when you know what causes insecurity in a relationship you will be better equipped to deal with the situation.
The best solution is always going to be a mix of communication and strengthening your own identity. Feeling insecure in your relationship means you have to become a much better communicator; you also need to become more empathic toward your partner. You need to learn how to trust. All of those skills are worth improving.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
