One sided friendship + How to solve the problem

6 signs to lockout for and how to handle the situation

Friendship is great. In a strong friendship, there are two people who trust each other, help each other and inspire each other. But friendships are also complicated. The dynamics of a particular friendship change as time goes by. We might have more or less time for our friends as we are busy with other parts of our life. This is normal, but it’s not normal to feel used when it comes to your friend. If this is the case, you might be in a one-sided friendship.

Is she a good friend?

Or you just made a new friend, but something seems off with your relationship. She always wants things from you but never offers anything back. Let’s dig a bit deeper and find out what’s going on.

1. You take all the initiative

This is the most common version of a one-sided friendship. You have this great friend; she is funny, smart, and interesting. When the two of you spend time together, you really click and have a lot of fun. You like her.

The only problem is that she rarely reaches out or suggests anything fun.

You make the friendship happen

When you ask her to join different activities, she is happy to come along. But she never calls you or texts you or makes any proposals of her own. You are pretty sure that if it weren’t for your initiative, the friendship wouldn’t exist at all.

The solution:

First of all, you have to have a conversation with her. Someone who doesn’t take the initiative can have different explanations.

She might be depressed. She might be bad at planning. She might like to be spontaneous. There is also the possibility that she is not as invested in the friendship as she used to be, and her behavior reflects that. But if you never confront her, you will never know.

Stop taking the initiative

The second thing you should do is stop taking the initiative.

When the two of you have discussed the problem, take a step back and see what happens. Sometimes you have to stop rowing the boat and see if the other person will take up the chore.

2. Your friend only likes to talk about herself

We have all had this friend; she might be funny and charming. The only thing is, she just loves to talk about herself. And she has a lot of say on the subjects. Her monologues sometimes last for hours.

Listen to your problems? That’s not even on the map; whatever discussion the two of you have going on, she quickly brings the focus back to her and her life.

All you get to use your mouth to do is smile and drink Cosmopolitans.

The solution:

Call her out on her behavior. Tell her that you enjoy listening to her but that you would like to have more opportunities to share your thoughts and perspective.

Some people just talk a lot out of nervousness or habit. She might not be fully aware of exactly how much she talks. If she values your friendship, she will try and improve herself to accommodate your needs.

Ask for what you need

If this talkative side of her is a recent development, she is probably going through something difficult, and she has a big need to talk about it. Emphasize with her and her situation, but also make sure that she understands that you also need support from her.

3. Your friend is unreliable

She might cancel. She might show up much later.

In some cases, you don’t hear from her at all. She always has a good excuse, and when she is reliable, she is actually a very good friend. But you can never count on her, which makes you question the friendship as a whole.

The solution:

People should only have the place in your life they deserve.

If she is unreliable, you shouldn’t rely on her. You can still keep her as a friend. But knock her down a couple of steps on the friendship scale.

Tell her how her behaviour make you feel

You should also ask her about her behavior and tell her that she hurt your feelings when she cancels plans or shows up much later than agreed.

4. Your friend lacks loyalty

You tell her something in confidence. The next thing you know, she has told a couple of your other friends.

Your secrets are not safe with her because she loves to talk. Even when you clearly point out that the information is confidential, she still forgets.

This sort of person is also often prone to insensitive jokes or pointing out things about you in context when the information should not be mentioned. For example that you are trying to lose weight or your romantic interest in a particular guy.

Basically, she is clumsy when it comes to social interaction.

The solution:

She might not be aware of the unwritten rules of friendship. Try explaining to her more about how important loyalty and trust are in a close friendship. Also, make sure you stop her when she shares information about other people they probably wouldn’t be comfortable with her sharing.

Give her clear instructions

You can train her to become a better friend. Just be very clear with what things is only between the two of you, and when she breaks the agreement, explain that it makes you sad. Tell her that you want to be able to trust her.

And yeah, you should probably not share your most intimate secrets with her.

5. Your friend is not interested in your life

This problem is similar to the problem with the friend who talks a lot about herself. But this friend might listen to you, and the problem is that she doesn’t seem particularly interested.

She forgets things you told her, and she never follows up on important events in your life.

Giving you the cold shoulder when it comes to things that are important to you can be a sign of jealousy. Read our article 11 signs of jealous friends to find out more about the phenomena.

The solution:

We can’t force someone to care about us the way we care about them. In this situation, you need more from her than what she is capable of giving you.

Bring up the subject with her, but don’t expect a miracle.

Some people are naturally more self-centered. It’s a difficult trait to change.

6. Your friend is guarded

Another version of the one-sided friendship is the guarded friend.

You might have told her a lot of things about yourself. She, on the other hand, is not sharing much about herself. You like her, but you feel as if you don’t know her. You can tell that she is not withholding information on purpose, but you are getting frustrated trying to reach her.

The solution:

Some people need a lot of time. When you have a guarded friend, I suggest giving her all the time she needs.

Earn her trust

She will start trusting you when you have earned her trust. When she does open up to you, she will be a great friend because people who are more challenging to get to know usually are more loyal and value the friendship more.

What to do about a one-sided friendship?

Whatever your experience when it comes to your one-sided friendship, you should talk to your friend about it. Even if she doesn’t manage to change her behavior, you will increase your understanding of what’s going on. It will be interesting for you to hear her version of the problem.

Have a serious conversation

When you confront someone about their behavior, it’s important that you don’t do it in a passive-aggressive way with off-handed comments and insults. Instead, have one serious conversation.

Sit her down and tell her that you need to have a serious talk with her. Both of you should have plenty of time and energy, and you should both be focused on the problem.

Tell her your point of view

Explain how your behavior makes you feel and see how she responds. Give her time to change her behavior.

We also have an article about How to repair a friendship, if you need more advice on how to handle the situation when you do want to save your friendship.

Find new friends

We often make bad choices when we don’t have many choices.

If you keep her as a close friend despite the fact that the friendship is one-sided, this tells me that you don’t have enough alternatives. You don’t have a big enough social circle.

I get it, finding friends is hard.

There is a certain bond between two people that only happens after a couple of years. This makes it extra painful when a former good friend starts to withdraw from the friendship. But you can’t control other people’s actions. The only thing you can do is adjust your expectation to who they are today.

Put in the effort to make new friends

Finding new friends is the most effective strategy to deal with a one-sided friendship because you will not be as dependent on her as a friend. This is particularly important if it is the relationship with your best friend that has started to feel one-sided.

Check out our article How to make new friends in your 30s, for effective advice on finding new friends.

Be more mindful of the friends you choose moving forward

Finding good friends is not easy. It takes work and dedication. To find someone special, you have to attend lots of boring events where you don’t click with anyone.

This big effort might make you accept anyone who wants to be your friend as a friend. Thus, you don’t have enough of a vetting process.

Find the best candidate

It’s like you are the recruiter for a job position, but instead of choosing the best candidate for the job, you just accept anyone who just walked in from the street. Some of them didn’t even apply for the job.

If you often find yourself in one-sided friendships, you should be more careful with whom you choose as a friend.

Ask what kind of friend you are?

I’m going to be honest with you; if you are in a one-sided friendship, there is a big chance that your friend isn’t interested in the friendship anymore. And the reason for this might be that you are not that good of a friend.

Think back to when you stopped reaching out to someone and stopped spending time with them.

Ask her about what has changed

You had good reasons, right? If pressed, you can probably name those reasons. The friendship had ceased to work for you, and thus you withdrew your participation.

Maybe you are the one who has a lot of problems and a big need to talk about them? People naturally withdraw from too much negative energy.

The only way to find out is to ask your friend about this. Be prepared to face some harsh truths.

Walk away

If you feel that your friendship is one-sided and no matter what you do or say, no fundamental change is happening, it is time to move on.

If you need support and a clear strategy about how to end the friendship, I recommend our article Ending a close friendship.

We choose who we let into our lives, and if someone is not there in the way we need them, we can choose to let them go.

A Final note

Most friendships last for several years or even decades, so it is only natural that the investment in the friendship will fluctuate during those years. Accept the natural highs and lows of a long-term friendship. But if you feel the friendship has become too one-sided, take care of yourself and give up on the friendship. Treasure the memory of your friend.