Fall in love all over again
Love is complicated. Relationships are an intricate mix between love and frustration. No matter what has happened between you and your partner, you have decided that your relationship is worth fighting for and now you are wondering how to start over.
I will tell you 13 important steps to go through to rebuild both trust and love between the two of you.
It is possible to start over in a relationship
Before we jump in, let me start out by saying that it is absolutely possible to rebuild trust. If both people are dedicated to each other and to the relationship, there is a good chance to achieve a healthy and loving relationship.
1. Sharing vulnerable
Many couples get stuck in a toxic mix of fighting, judgment, and resentment.
The way out of this messy soup is to share your inner world with vulnerability and to be honest with each other.
Tell your partner about your fears. Tell them what they mean to you and why. Be clear about why you have chosen to fight for the relationship and why you believe in your love.
Draw parallels to your childhood, and tell him about how your unfulfilled needs didn’t start with him.
Let him see the real you
The point is that you share from a point of vulnerability. You tell him things you previously have been holding back. Basically, you lay out your soul for him.
The goal is to connect as two human beings, with all your flaws.
The more vulnerable you can be, the more likely that you manage to start over in your relationship. If we use our obstacles as an opportunity to get closer to our partner, we have already won part of the battle.
Deep understanding
When done right, this step will give both of you a deeper understanding of each other and as a result, the love flame will be ignited once again.
2. Understanding his point of view
Maybe he hurt you and broke your trust? Maybe there was infidelity on his part?
To be able to truly move on, you need to understand why he did it. You also need to extend empathy for him and his behavior. If you cannot understand, he will never feel seen by you.
Whatever started to cause problems between the two of you, one of the reasons was that he didn’t feel seen by you.
Extend your empathy to his situation
I know it’s not easy, especially if you are upset with his behavior.
But true forgiveness is the only recipe when you ask how to start over in your relationship. Forgiveness comes from you understanding and accepting him.
He is not perfect. But he is a person who did his best with what was given to him.
3. Him understanding your point of view
For the two of you to move on, you need to see things from his point of view, but he also needs to be able to understand you.
He needs to acknowledge the pain he has caused you.
The important thing with this step is that you feel heard and seen by him. A healthy relationship is built on two people having empathy for each other. The more understanding he can be, and the more he manages to acknowledge that he hurt you, the bigger the possibility for a true restart.
4. Understanding primary and secondary triggering patterns
When a relationship is not working the reason behind this is that we trigger each other.
He does something, for example withdrawing from the interaction, that triggers a behavior in you; for example accusing him of not loving him.
Activating the secondary trigger pattern
When you make these accusations, you activate the secondary trigger pattern, because as a result of your words, he feels like he cannot give you what you need, and he withdraws from you even more and the circle repeats itself once again.
All couple who have a lot of turbulence in the relationship is suffering from the destructive dance caused by primary and secondary trigger patterns.
Break the circle
To manage to break this circle you have to identify both the primary and secondary trigger pattern and actively work on breaking them. If you break them on your end, you can also help breaking his pattern. Instead of causing him of not loving you, break the pattern by being even more loving and present, or by giving him exactly what he needs; a break.
5. Decide on a deadline
I cannot tell you if your relationship is toxic or if you really should give him a second chance. But I can tell you that you don’t want to be stuck in a dysfunctional relationship for too long.
For your own peace of mind, and to be able to give the “start over” everything you got, you need to have a deadline.
If you want to find out if your relationship is toxic, read my article 13 signs of a toxic relationship.
Choose an amount of time you are comfortable with
You can decide on a timeframe together as a couple. Whatever the two of you feel comfortable with, it can be one month or 6 months.
Or you can decide on a deadline on your own, you don’t have to tell your partner about the deadline. But having a fixed amount of time will help you focus on the task at hand. You absolutely need a deadline, don’t skip this step.
6. Finding the flow
Now that we have dealt with the heavy stuff, it’s time to ignite the fire once again.
How to start over in a relationship is also about falling in love with each other, all over again.
It’s important that the two of you make time for spending quality time together. Go on dates, join him on the things he is passionate about. Have fun together as a couple.
Explore them as if they were a new person
Don’t view him through the bitterness of the past. Pretend he is this new amazing person you just met and whom you have no baggage with.
You should feel excited to get to know him. Ask him all the questions you still haven’t asked. Create a deeper bond between the two of you. Read my article 27 important things you should know about your partner, to get ideas about what to ask him.
Live in the present
Let go of the past. The more you can live in the present, the bigger chance that the two of you can create a healthy fulfilling relationship moving forward.
7. Work on yourself
Sure, he has his part in why your relationship didn’t work out the first time around. But to truly move on, you have to acknowledge your shortcoming and you have to actively work to become a happier improved version of yourself.
To manage to do this it helps to meditate, journal and practice mindfulness.
Choose your path
Consider the things you lack and ask yourself how you can give those very things to yourself. Create a plan and proceed accordingly. You should not depend on your boyfriend to make you happy and to give your life meaning.
8. Lead the way
Rebuilding trust is about taking the first step. Be the one who takes that leap of faith and give him your love.
You might think that he should go first, he should prove himself to you.
I hear you.
But to be successful in your mission to start over in your relationship, you have to be the stronger person.
You have to take the lead.
See him as the way he is today
Don’t use the past to judge him. No one likes to be reminded of their mistakes.
Instead, cherish who he is today.
As a result of what happened in the past, the two of you have developed as a couple. The past is what ultimately will make you stronger.
9. Be affectionate
When we are angry and disappointed at someone, we often hold back our affection. Which is ok and understandable, but not fruitful if you want to rebuild a relationship.
The fact that he wants to try again tells me that he appreciates your love. Make sure you give freely when it comes to your physical affection.
Make him feel loved. Cuddle with him and have sex with him.
Show him appreciation
One of the biggest attraction killers and the main reason why relationships become unfulfilling is that we stop appreciating each other.
To get the happy fulfilling relationships of your dreams, you have to break this habit. You have to look at your boyfriend and appreciate him as the amazing person he is.
Everyone deserves a partner who is supportive and loving.
10. Try to change
If your relationship didn’t work out the first time around, there were things about you he didn’t like.
Now when you got a second chance, you need to make a massive effort to change those exact things. I know this is a painful truth to hear. But it is, nevertheless an important point.
Is change possible?
By showing him that you are capable of change you show him that change is indeed possible. You are not the same person as you were back then. Your relationship is not going to be the same as it was in the past.
Be strong and inspire him
You might want him to change. He probably should. But since you cannot control another human being, you have to take the initiative.
With a bit of luck, when he sees that you have changed, he will be inspired to do the same.
11. Is he the right man for you?
Does all of this feel like hard work and maybe even self-abonnement?
If he is not the right man, it will be.
I have told you all the strategies you will need when you ask how to start over in a relationship.
Unfortunately, with the wrong man, all your effort will fall short.
What is it about him that you like?
To find out if he is the right man for you, ask yourself in which way you are compatible.
Also make sure you know exactly which of his qualities makes him a great partner to you.
To keep yourself motivated through this process, it’s important that you make a list on everything you like about him.
Is he worth the fight?
To find out if he is, read my article When is enough enough in a relationship-10 clear signs.
The answer to the above questions will be your guiding light when you feel like you are fighting too hard for your relationship.
If you clearly can see the worth he brings to your relationship, you will keep your motivation up.
12. Try professional help
Many couples overcome both the past and their problem with the help of a skilled therapist. Sometimes an outside perspective is exactly what you need. This person can give you the unique tools that will help you to start over in your relationship.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help.
13. Create a shared plan for the future
As our final step, let’s take a look at something joyful.
A happy couple usually has a strong shared vision for their future.
Ask each other about your individual goals. Also, talk about the goals you have as a couple. Make a plan, come up with strategies, and set deadlines.
Foremost, have fun.
A Final Note
If he wants to be in a relationship with you, that is enough fuel to give your relationship a second chance.
We do learn from our mistakes. I’m sure you have learned a lot.
That you are asking the question about how to start over in a relationship, already tells me you are a fighter. You’ve got this.
By following these 13 steps, you will lead the way to a relationship filled with love and joy.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
