How to prepare and become cool as a cucumber
An exciting date looming on the horizon? Congratulations. 😉 Dating is fun for some people, I have heard. For other people, myself included, it’s a necessary evil. Maybe you have been out of the dating game? Maybe a self-proclaimed dating exile? But now it’s time to shake things up, ignore all that anxiety, and meet well-meaning men for coffee, walks, and awkward dinners. My hat goes off to you. Let’s take a look at my 7 top strategies for how to not be nervous on a date.
1. Accept your nerves
Everyone will tell you, myself included, that being nervous about a date is normal. The best way to quiet those alarm bells is to accept yourself for who you are, anxiety, nerves and the whole package.
You might object and say that you don’t mind nerves; you just don’t want to be anxiety-ridden and feel like you are about to throw up.
You probably want to be able to have a normal conversation and show this cute guy a bit of who you are.
To achieve this very reasonable goal, breath slowly and fill yourself with acceptance and a sense of worthiness. Send love and acceptance to all those weird, quirky parts of yourself.
Observe your sensations
One clever trick to take the sting out of intense emotions is to observe them.
Ask yourself how it feels to be nervous. Put words to the experience.
Is your chest full of black mud? Do you feel like you are suffocating? Is your brain full of loud thoughts and you cannot catch a single one of them?
Be precise when you describe how anxiety feels to you.
By putting words on your sensations, you create distance to those sensations. You will not feel them as strongly but rather observe them.
Come clean
”You can also tell your date, “I’m nervous.”
The right date will think your admission is endearing. He will probably admit to being nervous himself.
Sometimes trying to hide our feelings just makes those feeling louder. Instead, face them. Spell them out and be ok with their existence.
Check out my article Second Date Advice for Women, for more tips on how to be able to relax on your date.
2. Analyze your nervousness
At a superficial glance, it might seem like we are all nervous about our dates the same way. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I have friends who are nervous about the flow of the conversation, potential smelly breath, their weight, being stuck with an idiot… Sleeping with the wrong guy.
Rejection sucks
Yes, the list of why we are nervous is as diverse as we are. Most of us are probably nervous about rejection, in one form or other.
When you want to mitigate those nerves, it’s important to take the time and fully understand why you are nervous. What are you afraid of?
The fear will tell you a lot about yourself.
Write down your fears
What do you think when you feel nervous? What kind of thoughts results in anxiety?
What kind of thoughts intensifies the anxiety?
When you know more about your inner landscape, you can reprogram those thoughts by finding proof of the opposite.
For example, if your thoughts are “No one will ever love me.” You simply think of all the people who do love you and all the different forms you do have love in your life.
This exercise is great to do in writing. Pull out pen and paper and work through those dating nerves. Next date you will be less nervous.
3. Understand your fear
If you are new to the dating circus, let me assure you that the first time is the worst. Going on a date with someone you don’t know (Or someone you know and are excited about) is a form of entering unfamiliar territory.
Our body is more than eager to elicit a flight or fight response. It is in our biological blueprint. This is the reason why we get nervous. Our body wants to avoid danger. It really is that simple. Rejection equals danger for most of us.
Think about it, back in ancient times, being rejected from the tribe meant starvation and death.
We are unprotected, out in the wilderness
What you feel the first time you do something is not how you will feel the next time or the time after that.
With time, feelings change a lot.
This is especially true when it comes to dating. If you just started online dating, rest assured, the first date is by far the worst. Make it through that one and you will learn a lot.
The good thing about online dating is that you get a lot of chances.
Experience is your friend
Nowadays, I’m the most nervous when I’m going on a date with a guy I like. This brings me to my next point. If you are nervous because you want to make a good impression, it helps to work through those fears.
4. Lower your expectations
The first thing you can do is lower your expectations. The date doesn’t have to be amazing. The conversation doesn’t have to flow. The restaurant doesn’t need to be perfect. It’s ok if you stutter, spit food and forget things he already told you.
Plenty of awkward dates have led to long-term relationships.
Here it can be helpful to write down your expectations. When we write, we access our subconscious. You might realize you have expectations you haven’t even verbalized to yourself. Those hidden expectations lead to dating anxiety.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself
That includes the expectations you have of yourself.
Are you a bit of a perfectionist or a control freak? I hear you, I’m the same way. That’s why dating is hard for me. I want to be smart, funny and beautiful.
But to be able to relax and actually be present during the date, we have to be kind to ourselves. Tell yourself that your only expectation of yourself is to actually show up. That’s good enough for you.
5. Arrive well-prepared
To stifle those dating nerves, it helps to have a routine. Think about how you like to date? A dinner? A walk? Some form of activity such as an art exhibition? We all have preferences, and we all have ways to make the date go smoother.
Yes, this includes picking out a couple of good date outfits. Feeling cute and comfortable is an important part of a good date.
Consider the conversation
A date is primarily a way to get to know the other person. We mainly achieve this goal by having a conversation.
Think about a couple of questions you want to ask your date, and make those questions specific to what you already know about him. Check out my very comprehensive guide Top 33 second date questions to spark romance, for ideas.
You can also think about a couple of subjects to bring up if things get quiet. There is nothing wrong if your conversations feel rehearsed, that just means you genuinely care about getting closer to him.
Check out my article First Date Conversation Tips, for more information.
6. Banish your inner critic
Are you too old, too ugly, or too weird, to date?
We have all been there. Even if we are not critical of ourselves in other areas, dating can bring out our inner critic, like nothing else.
Dating is basically meeting up with another person and posing the big question “Could you love me?”
What is more nerve-wracking than asking for love from a complete stranger?
Don’t allow negative self-talk
Watch your inner monologue carefully, every time you say something negative to yourself, gently replace that thought with a more positive one. Practice talking to yourself as you would talk to your best friends. I promise, this simple technique will do wonders for your ability to not be nervous for a date.
If you ever wondered how to increase your self-esteem, this is the one thing that will have the biggest impact. Don’t be critical of yourself.
7. Don’t tell yourself false stories
Let’s consider how you view men, relationships and marriage. If you have a story running in your head like “All marriages end in heartbreak.” “All men are lazy liars.”
(Ok, your stories might not be that extreme.)
Well, it’s not strange that dating brings out your fight-or-flight response. You are not responding to reality; you are responding to the stories you have stored.
Maybe you have had bad experiences in previous relationships? Infidelity? Aggressions? Unhappiness?
I think we all have had our fair share of bad experiences when it comes to love and dating. When you ask how to not be nervous about a date, it’s important that you don’t tell yourself negative stories.
The stories we tell do have an impact
Or my personal favorite (Something I too often tell myself) “I couldn’t pick a good man if my life depended on it.”
Which, well, basically, my life does depend on it and I have picked so many train wrecks in the past. No wonder, dating makes me nervous. No judgment from me for all your negative stories
Bring the stories into the light
It is, however, important that you verbalize those stories, even the ones from your childhood. If you believe a romantic relationship means a lot of fighting, you are not going to have an easy time getting into a relationship (Example taken from yours truly.)
Reprogram those stories
You also need to change those stories. If we get stuck in bitterness and negativity, we cannot move forward in a healthy way.
Check out this lady for courses about how to reprogram.
The short version is that you need to debunk those stories and come up with proof of the opposite.
A Final Note
Dating sucks, right? I would rather just move straight to be a happy couple, deeply in love and having figured out how to blend and mend our lives.
But there are no shortcuts, dating is an important part of vetting people. You want to take your time, you want to have alternatives.
When done right dating can teach you a lot about yourself. You will find out what you want and what you don’t want. Eventually, you will be less nervous and you will be able to enjoy the process.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
