How to get someone to open up emotionally?

4 strategies that will bring the two of you closer together

The answer to the question “How to get someone to open up emotionally” will vary depending on the person you want to become closer to.

But it will be one, or a combination, of the following 4 strategies. As you implement these strategies, remember that not everyone needs the same thing to be able to trust you and share their inner world.

The path to emotional closeness is similar in all our relationships

You might want to become closer to your partner, a friend, or a child.

Regardless of who you want to get to know on a deeper level, a combination of these 4 strategies will bring you closer together. When it comes to emotional closeness, the relationship between partners, friends, and children works similarly.

How to achieve emotional closeness

Emotional closeness is earned by being present, listening, seeing the other person, and doing things together.

Another important component of getting closer to someone is never backstabbing or betraying the other person.

You earn emotional closeness through patience, as well as the right questions.

Thus, the four steps to get someone to open up emotionally is; 1. Time, 2. Active listening, 3. The right questions, 4. Deep understanding.

Learn these techniques

The more you master those different techniques for getting someone to open up emotionally, the easier it will be to get that special person to share their struggles, hopes, and fears with you.

Emotional intimacy is scary

Remember that for a lot of people opening up emotionally is scary. They are afraid to be betrayed, ridiculed, or rejected. Even children feel these fears.

Emotional intimacy with children

Children have more emotional complexity than what we give them credit for.

If you are dealing with a child who has been hurt, be patient and don’t expect emotional intimacy straight away.

Making someone feel safe in your company is the best way to get someone to open up emotionally, and this takes time.

There are no shortcuts available.

Emotional intimacy in romantic relationships

Many answers to the question about how to get someone to open up are about when a couple has a disagreement. Or when you want to know where the relationship is going.

This is when the skill to get someone to open up emotionally becomes extra important, but don’t limit your practice to these kinds of situations.

Being able to connect emotionally with people is an important skill

Because to be able to get someone, anyone, to open up emotionally is an important skill in many different contexts.

I would even take the statement so far as to say that it is one of the skills that determent your success when it comes to friendships, family relationships, and love.

Understanding other people

Even in a professional context, it can be useful to get people to trust you, confide in you, and get them to confide in you.

A hated coworker can become a valuable ally if you understand where they are coming from and how the problem looks from their point of view.

Humans crave connection

Thus, how you get someone to open up emotionally is one of the most important questions to ask. The answer to that question deserves our full attention.

As humans, we interact with other humans on a daily basis, which is a source of great joy and a source of great frustration. One thing is clear, we want to understand each other, we want to get closer to each other, and we want to connect.

Emotionally intimacy creates a strong bond

If you ask this question when there is a problem or a situation you are dissatisfied with, you are already missing out on a big chance to improve your life.

Because this question is one you can ask in all sorts of situations and with all kinds of people.

What you are really asking is; how do I get closer to this person? How do I figure them out, and how do I make them trust me?

How to get someone to open up emotionally is a question that determines the course of most relationships.

1. Time

There is a reason we trust our oldest friends a lot.

If we have known someone for a long time, we have an easier time opening up to them. When we meet a good friend, we ask them important questions, and we answer them truthfully.

We are often happy and eager to tell them what’s going on in our lives and what we are really feeling. This emotional closeness is the basis for friendship.

Be active together

You can mimic this process if you want someone to open up emotionally.

Make sure you do active things together. Do things that have nothing to do with making conversation. The more emotions you share with someone, the more you learn to trust each other.

So it’s good to share both happy moments and jokes as well as scary and intense moments. Don’t worry about getting the other person to tell you everything they feel. When you share an activity, the feelings are there, and they bond you together.

Do something they like doing

When we are busy doing something we like doing, we are relaxed.

Sometimes we have valuable insights, sometimes we don’t think at all.

Thus, if you want to get closer to someone, spend time with them. That time can be spent doing something they enjoy doing.

The trust to open up emotionally will automatically follow.

All you have to do is to be patient. There is no need to push them or ask them questions. Remember that time is your friend; time is your way in. Time and time spent together are what will make someone open up to you.

2. Active listening

Some people are just great listeners. We love to tell them things, we feel heard and appreciated. Our words seem to bring value to their life. The way they laugh at our small jokes makes us want to go on talking forever.

If you weren’t born a great listener, there is no need to despair. Listening is a skill that can be developed. The first rule of being a good listener is to really listen.

Don’t think about yourself

Don’t think about your reply, and don’t spend time questioning or objecting to what they are saying, neither out loud nor in your mind.

Don’t allow your thoughts to wander to the laundry list of things you have to do. T

his instance is about them, the other person, the person you are trying to get to open up emotionally.

Be present and practice mindfulness

Just be present and give them your full attention.

People can always subconsciously feel if you are paying attention or not. Practice this technique in different settings, and you will become a better listener, and people will just know that you are indeed listening.

Tell them what you are hearing

When you are listening to someone, don’t push your own agenda.

To get someone to open up emotionally give the person plenty of psychological space to say what they want to say.

If you want to say something, you can make them feel heard by repeating back to them what they are saying.

This is a bit of a weird psychological trick, but it does work wonders. Otherwise, just listen.

3. The right questions

When I think about how to get someone to open up emotionally, I think a lot about the right questions.

A lot of the time, asking the right question is all you have to do. Most people like to talk about themselves.

Give them an intriguing enough question, and you will have them talking in no time.

Keep track of great questions

To be able to get a better grasp on this concept, you have to do a bit of thinking about what conversations between people really are.

How we use it, and when we feel emotional closeness to someone by talking.

Observe other people’s conversations and also make a mental note when you have had a great conversation with someone.

What were the questions that led you down that path?

Surface level conversations

A lot of conversations are only concerned with the world on a surface level.

In these conversations, we exchange facts about different things.

An example of this phenomenon is people talking about the weather. This is normal, but it doesn’t lead to emotional closeness. It’s not how close friends talk.

Feelings rather than facts

Close friends always dish out mundane facts, such as the weather, with plenty of personal colors.

They talk with each other about how things make them feel and why they act the way they act. They talk about why the subject (for example, the weather) is important to them. They talk about feelings rather than facts.

Find out the meaning behind the facts

The world is the same for all of us (more or less), but our unique way of looking at the world and interacting with the world makes us special. We like to share our highly personal experiences with people around us.

Open-ended questions

To get someone to open up emotionally, ask them open-ended questions.

Ask them about the motivation behind their behavior and why something is meaningful to them. Try to move the conversation away from exchanging facts and into the meaning those facts have in their unique situation.

Focus on the why

Most people want to talk about important things, and they will be grateful for your questions.

Even a conversation about meaningful things can be lighthearted. Some of the most fun conversations are playful conversations about serious subjects.

When people give you facts, as they will, try to shift the conversation to the “why.” Why is that important to them?

Here is an example of two great questions: What was the best decision you made this year? What was the worst decision you made this year?

Come up with your own questions

I’m sure you can come up with plenty of interesting questions that get someone to open up and tell you about their values and how they live their lives.

Don’t be afraid that your questions will feel stilted, people love to talk about themselves, and a great question allows them to do just that.

4. Deep understanding

There are no shortcuts when you want to reach a deep understanding. But when it comes to getting someone to open up emotionally, it’s one of the most powerful tools to use.

The more you master this tool, the better you will be at getting people to open up. Deep understanding can’t be faked.

Deep understanding is genuine

People can always sense when you are trying to fake understanding. Deep understanding comes from you actually understanding the person and where they are coming from.

Practice understanding different kinds of people 

It’s easier to deeply understand someone who has a similar upbringing, similar values, or similar experiences. But deep understanding can also happen between people who, on the surface level, don’t seem to have anything in common.

When you become better at deep understanding, you will be able to connect with people who are vastly different from you. You will be able to find common ground and shared feelings.

Practice your ability to understand experiences vastly different from yours by reading this story about Limerence and regret.

How to improve your deep understanding

You can become better at deep understanding by being more empathic towards people and their struggles.

Reading literature is a great way to practice empathy and a deep understanding of people vastly different from yourself.

Allow the other person to feel close to you

Another good strategy to deepen the understanding in a conversation is to open up about yourself.

Lead by example, but without expecting anything in return.

Tell the other person intimate facts about yourself.

Don’t get stuck talking about the weather.

Have personal conversations

When you do open up about yourself, don’t hijack the whole conversation. Always let the other person talk more than what you do. But when you do talk, make it personal. Give the other person a chance to get to know you.

Tell them important things about yourself

Think about who you are and what’s important to you, and share stories that have affected your life.

Share the moments when you had life-chaining insights or when you managed to alter your behavior about something.

Also, share moments when you felt insecure, had a lot of shame, or failed miserably. Not everything you share has to be sunshine stories that paint you as the hero.

We like to get to know someone

We like to get to know the full picture of someone.

When you do talk about yourself, it doesn’t have to be in the same area. If someone tells you about their professional struggles, you don’t have to jump in and tell them about your professional struggles.

Explore different areas

Many times, it’s more effective to switch to a completely different area, thus giving the conversation breathing room, and then switch back to the original subject in a clever way.

Do you want to be a person who automatically is attractive to other people? Read our article How to appear more attractive as a woman.

A final note

Alcohol makes people open up emotionally. But since that openness is not genuinely earned, the closeness that arrives at the end of a boozy night can be shattered easily, sometimes even non-existing the next day.

This is because there is no shortcut (not even a bottle of whisky) to emotional closeness. It has to be earned.

Emotional closeness is earned

If you follow my tips above, you will arrive at the golden land of emotional closeness at just the right time.

To get someone to open up emotionally is nothing you can rush, and if that’s not working for you, maybe the two of you just don’t connect in the way that has to happen for deep understanding to occur.

In many ways, emotional intimacy is a form of currency. You earn your way into someone’s heart by putting deposits in their emotional bank account.

You earn emotional closeness by being trustworthy and available, as well as sharing things about yourself and being a safe harbor for the things the other person shares about themselves.