How to Connect with an Emotionally Unavailable Man

6 steps to bring the two of you closer together

Emotionally unavailable men are often very loving and open at the beginning of a relationship. At some point, they get scared and anxious and withdraw from the relationship. This point can occur after weeks or months, or in some cases, even days. When this happens, you might already be in love, and you will wonder what happened to the amazing relationship you thought you had. Above all, you will ask yourself how to connect with an emotionally unavailable man?

Should you connect with an Emotionally Unavailable Man?

I know you want to connect with him, and I will give you all the best tips and techniques on exactly how to do so.

But before we dive in, you have to ask yourself the most important question of them all; Will it be worth it?

Be aware of the danger

Trying to connect with an emotionally unavailable man will mean that you put your needs and desires to the side. It will mean that you don’t get all the intimacy you crave. Trying to connect with this kind of man might lead to years of unhappiness.

Is he really worth the sacrifice? Who you let into your life is one of the most important decisions in determining your general happiness. Make it a good one.

Step 1: Empathy

In our pursuit to connect with an emotionally unavailable man, let’s start the journey with sympathy and understanding. The emotionally unavailable man gets a lot of hate. And I understand that.

But take a moment or a couple of hours and look at things from his perspective.

Suppose you have grown up listening to your parents fighting or even being violent towards each other. In that case, it’s not exactly strange that you are terrified of entering a long-term committed relationship.

These wounds cut deep

Emotional wounds are very deep and take a long time to heal. In many ways, they will never heal. Your man will never become as emotionally available as you would want him.

He is afraid

At its core, being emotionally unavailable is a tremendous fear of love and intimacy, and the biggest victim is the emotionally unavailable person.

You hate the emotionally unavailable man because it eats away at you when you don’t get enough love and intimacy from the person who is supposed to love you.

Develop a more secure relationship with yourself

You feel like your partner owes you emotional intimacy. But on a fundamental level, no one owes you anything.

You need to be enough for yourself without needing love, reassurance, and attention from another human. Being secure in yourself is an important part of how to Connect with an Emotionally Unavailable Man.

Another human in the form of a stray dog

This article compares an emotionally unavailable man to a stray dog. It’s a good comparison, and when you look at the situation like that, you will feel more sympathy toward your man.

You would leave a stray dog plenty of space. You would not try to force love from a stray dog. It wouldn’t be a problem for you to understand and respect that the dog will do things at his phase.

Instead, you would wait until the dogs come to you. You would probably wait years for the dog to begin to trust you. You would not become frustrated with the dog.

He is protecting himself

With a man, few of us have that kind of patience. But the more you can look at your man as a stray dog, the better you will be at meeting him where he needs you to meet him.

Remember, when a man is emotionally unavailable, he was once a frightened child who didn’t get his emotional needs met. Exactly like the stray dog, he is just protecting himself against disappointments he is sure will come.

This is not a conscious and logical decision, but an instinctive one.

Step 2: Understanding it’s not about you

If you give up on him, he will eventually find someone else, and his pattern of behavior will be the same. He will be vague, elusive, and cold with her as well.

She will struggle and suffer, just as you do now.

Sure, different people inspire different behavior in us. So there is the possibility that she is stronger and more confident, and thus he has an easier time opening up to her.

But there is also the possibility that things will be more toxic with her than it is between the two of you.

Don’t take it personally, because it is not

And my tips are not about her at all.

It is about you.

The more you can view his behavior as something separated from you, the less you will take it to heart.

If you understand on a deep level that his behavior has nothing to do with you, then you will not get as hurt, and you will put less pressure on him and on the relationship.

If you want to know more about how to connect with your man, check out How to get someone to open up emotionally.

We are all scared when it comes to love

We are all emotionally unavailable to a lesser or higher degree.

Love scares us.

The risk of getting hurt scares us. The fear is real.

We all have our fair share of trauma

The people who are not emotionally unavailable are often rushing from one relationship to another, scared to be alone.

They put up with things that hurt them, just to be in a relationship. We all come with issues. No one gets a free pass.

To break the circle and be able to connect with someone emotionally unavailable, you have to be vulnerable and strong at the same time, and sometimes not even that is enough.

Step 3: Talk with him

He may be emotionally unavailable, but he is not stupid.

So go ahead and have a serious conversation with him. Explain what you need from him, be as concrete as possible. Most people understand that to be in a relationship, you do have to change a little bit.

For example, tell him that you need to hear “I love you” from him more often.

Or that you need one night a week when the two of you spend time together. Articulate exactly what you are missing in the relationship and maybe he will step up his game.

Tell him exactly what you need from him

To further make him realize how you experience things, from your point of view, express how you feel when you don’t get this from him.

This is the time to be honest and vulnerable. Do this without being too weak or putting too much on him. This is a fine balance to walk, but with some soul searching, I am sure that you can do it.

If he knows exactly what you need, he might be willing to give that to you

Some people just slide through life without taking responsibility for the people around them. And they are allowed to do this because their partner never articulates their needs. Whatever you need, make sure he knows it and that he understands it.

He is not a mind-reader. Instead, view your relationship as you practicing expressing your needs and following through to have them meet.

Step 4: Play it cool

Yeah, this is going to be hard. When someone is emotionally unavailable, we tend to want to squeeze them even tighter. We stalk them. We ask them questions. We call them all the time.

What I need you to do is to be a bit cooler. Instead of chasing him, focus on yourself. Be invested in your life, not in his.

Stay true to your core personality

When you feel too needy towards him, take a deep breath and refocus that energy on yourself.

Think about your goals and passions and things that are meaningful to you. Shift your attention to the pursuit of having an interesting, fulfilling life. This might not save your relationship, but it will save your sanity.

Your life is fine without him

A lot of emotionally unavailable people are afraid that their partner is totally dependent on them.

They feel that their partner needs so much more and that they will never be enough.

Show him by your action that your life is fulfilling regardless of whether he is part of it or not. Him being a part of your life is up to him.

If you feel yourself being sucked into the vortex of the emotionally available man, take a couple of steps back. Give him space.

For example, you can stop sleeping with him. You might be afraid of losing him, but if you will or won’t lose him is mainly out of your control. Giving him less of you is the best way of making him want more of you.

Step 5: Don’t try to change him

Accept him and the relationship the way it is today.

The more you can do this, the happier you will be in the relationship. It will take a lot of confidence and personal strength to be able to do this. You are probably feeling frustrated about everything he is not. But the things he is not are part of his personality.

Love him as he is

The more accepting of him you are, the more you actually love him for exactly who he is.

This is by no means easy. But he might never change, so you accepting him for his flaws will make you connect with him on his level. When he feels that you fully accept him, shortcomings and all, this will lead to increased emotional closeness between the two of you.

See him as the great person he is

A concrete way to do this is to make a list of everything you like about him and everything that makes him a wonderful being who you want in your life.

When you feel your negativity and resentment growing, just think back to the list of all his great qualities.

To see someone in a negative light often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

He becomes the avoidant asshole you view him as.

Self-fulfilling prophecy

While viewing him in a positive light will make him feel safe and appreciated and he will become more of that person.

He will sense that you accept and love him for exactly who he is, and he will have an easier time letting his guard down.

Step 6: Join him

Now I’m going to give you a tip that will be easier. It is simple, join him in whatever he likes doing.

Is it fishing, watching football, or going for long walks?

He probably has a lot of things he is passionate about and spends his time on. Join him in one of those activities. Don’t talk too much; just be there with him, doing what he likes to do.

Men connect emotionally by being active

Women typically connect through talking and talking about feelings. Men, on the other hand, often connect through doing things. So go ahead and give it a go; make one of his passions your passion.

When you do the activity or talk about it, that’s already a form of emotional openness.

Why are you in love with him?

To be able to pull this off, you will need to understand yourself on a deep level. Ask yourself exactly what thing about him is it you appreciate? Why do you want him and no one else?

When he is emotionally unavailable, remind yourself of why you like him and try to accept that the way he behaves is part of him. Maybe you didn’t recognize the signs in the beginning, and now you are already in love with him?

Here you can check out our guide 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.

He didn’t choose to be emotionally unavailable

Being emotionally unavailable is a coping strategy.

It’s not a choice.

And that’s probably why you want to stay. You can see that a part of him wants to open up. He wants to have emotional closeness.

Having that said, it is also important that you know when it is time to walk away. Trying to be there for another human is a beautiful thing.

Acknowledge your emotional needs

But setting your own needs to the side to try and have a relationship with someone that often leaves you feeling lonely and disappointed is, unfortunately, self-destructive. Only you know where to draw the line.

A Final Note

To connect with an emotionally unavailable man, work with yourself and your expectations.

Try the different strategies outlined above.

Do your best, because that’s what life is about. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It can be exceptionally draining to remain in a relationship with someone emotionally unavailable.

When he does choose to open up to you, be gentle and kind. The more times he has the experience of you being loving and non-judgmental, the more he will open up.

Only you can know if he is worth it

Many assume that emotionally unavailable people choose to reject love or serious relationships because they want to stay single. It’s rarely a choice; it’s more like a defense mechanism that’s often subconscious.

Making a strong connection with someone that struggles to connect can most certainly be done. It’s not going to be easy. Being with an emotionally unavailable man will demand all your strength, independence, and confidence. But if this man is as amazing as you suspect he is, he will be worth it.