How to break up with your boyfriend?

Causing the least amount of pain and learning from the process

Breaking up with someone is terrible. Just an all-around awful experience. Especially if he is someone you deeply care about. However, this guide will give you everything you need to know about how to break up with your boyfriend. With the help of this guide, you will be able to go through the process as smoothly as possible.

How to do it -The crash course

Start the process by doing some serious soul searching. This way, you will be ready to give your boyfriend a good explanation.

Try to understand yourself, both obvious reasons and more hidden ones.

The next step is telling him about your feelings. Be firm and concrete so that he will have an easier time moving on.

Give him space

After you have broken up with him, give him the space he needs. Sort out the practical stuff as soon as possible. Go on a discovery journey to connect with yourself again after the breakup is complete.

1. Soul searching

The first step of breaking up with someone is to try to understand yourself. You need to know exactly why you are breaking up with him.

If your answer is something along the lines that you no longer have feelings for him anymore, you have to dig a little bit deeper.

Find the real reasons

Don’t settle for a simple “I’ve fallen out of love” argument. Ask yourself how things are different now compared to what they were like when you first started dating. What has changed since?

If you think the relationship might be possible to save, I recommend checking out How to fix an unhealthy relationship.

Question your reasons

Be critical of yourself and your version of the story. Ask yourself exactly why you fell out of love? And what could your partner have done differently for you to still be in love with him?

You are the person who once upon a time fell in love with him. Basically, take some time and make sure that you really want to break up with your boyfriend and that you have good reasons for it.

Understand exactly why you want to break up with your boyfriend

There might be a version of you in the future who will be unhappy with this breakup. It’s easy to think that your relationships suck and that there are hotter, better guys out there.

The chances are that after a couple of bad Tinder dates you will start to feel like your boyfriend was not such a bad partner after all.

Write down your feelings

Sit down and write a list of all the reasons why you want to break up with your boyfriend. Trust me. Don’t skip this step. Plus, it will be great to have this list a couple of months down the road as a reminder to yourself. It will help you move on after the breakup much quicker.

Here is our article on How to get over your ex fast.

Work through negative feelings

Chances are you are harboring many disappointments and negative feelings when it comes to your boyfriend. It’s a good idea to work through some of them on your own and reach a more peaceful state of mind.

This way, when you do talk with your boyfriend, you can act in a calm, rational manner.

2. Tell him about your feelings

Sorry, this is not the breakup.

We are not there yet. A good breakup is a process. It takes time to start a healthy relationship, and it takes time to end a healthy relationship. I would call this step “the final warning.”

The reason why you should do this is to deal with your feelings. When you walk away, you want to be sure that you have done everything humanly possible to save the relationship.

A breakup is final

When the breakup is final, it will be good to know that you did try hard. It will make getting over him easier in the long run, and it will reduce the chances of you getting back together just to discover that the problems you had indeed really were un-resolvable.

Listen to what he has to say

Sit him down and have a conversation. Tell him why you are not satisfied with the relationship. Draw wisdom from the soul search you did in the first step.

Be as concrete as possible. Be calm and levelheaded. Try not to allow your feelings to get the best of you. Ask him if he agrees with how you describe things or if he has a different view. Be prepared that he might see things entirely differently.

Listen to his response. Take it in.

Give him time

The chances are that you have already repeatedly told him about the things you are unhappy about. But this time, make the conversation less nagging and more serious.

Think of it as one single well-aimed blow versus a lot of poking to try and nudge him in the right direction.

Be firm and dead serious

Don’t threaten to break up with him. Threats are a weak person’s weapon. Just make sure he understands the seriousness of the situation.

After this talk, you have to let a bit of time pass. A couple of weeks is sufficient. Give him time to change. I know it can feel frustrating when everything you want to do is get on with your life. Alone.

He has a change to work on himself

But you should allow him some time to try and change. It’s the polite thing to do. If the situation were reversed, you would want to know what’s not working in the relationship, and you would want to get some time to change this. Do this for the person you fell in love with, once upon a time.

Mitigate possible regrets

I know a couple of weeks can feel like an eternity, but this is part of the breakup strategy.

You don’t want to break up in the heat of the moment. If you do this, you will grow weak later and possibly regret your decision. Before you know it, you will be reading articles on How to get your ex-boyfriend back.

3. The breakup

Break up with your boyfriend in person. No letters. No texting. No ghosting. You owe your love affair a good breakup.

Take some time and consider where to do it. Keep in mind that he will probably associate the location with you breaking up with him and potentially breaking his heart. For this reason, if possible, it could be a good idea to avoid his apartment.

Pick a good place

Choose a neutral location in a safe, private place. It should be a place where you feel comfortable. No other people around, at least not within a hearing distance.

There is no easy way to break-up

Think about what you are going to say. There is no magic phrase that will make things easier. Breaking up is hard and painful. Like jumping into an icy lake.

Just be straightforward, true, and authentic.

Base your reasoning on your feelings.

In the soul-searching phase, you have gotten to know your feelings, now is the time to use that knowledge. Tell him how you feel. Don’t tell him about his mistakes and shortcomings.

Don’t slaughter his character

Talk about you and your experiences and why you no longer feel as satisfied in the relationship as you once were. Root every reason in your feelings, don’t make it about him. Sure, it is about him. But it is also about you. Try and rephrase the reasons for the breakup so that they are focused on you.

Examples of what to say to break up with your boyfriend

Instead of saying: “You are too clingy.”

Say: “I need more time and space for myself.”

Instead of saying: “You are never around.”

Say: “Since we rarely spend time together, I don’t feel connected to you anymore.”

Instead of saying: “You are boring.”

Say: “Our relationship is not so stimulating to me anymore.”

You get the point. Talk about your feelings and your wants. Not about his shortcomings.

If you are not in love with him anymore, tell him so. This is an argument that makes sense to most people.

Be assertive

If he objects, don’t wager. Stand your ground. It’s your life. Your future, your feelings, your boundaries. You owe him an explanation but nothing more. You don’t owe him your life. People have the right to change their minds.

Be kind but firm and final. Don’t leave him with any hope for the future.

Additional tips on how to break up with your boyfriend

Don’t be an asshole

You are probably angry and frustrated and very sad. Deal with your feelings. Some of this work you can do before the breakup.

Get comfy with your anger and frustration so that you can be more Zen-like when you break up. Don’t take out your feelings on him. Be reasonable. Don’t use all the private secrets he told you during your relationship to try and get back at him.

Don’t hurt him intentionally. Trust me, he will hurt enough from the fact that you are breaking up with him. No need to twist the knife in the wound.

Don’t involve another person

When you feel your relationship is bad, it’s easy to seek validation from someone else. This is a terrible idea. This way of acting can harm your boyfriend for a long time.

But what most people don’t think about is that this strategy also harms them and their integrity. If you yourself can be physically or emotionally unfaithful, how can you trust anyone to be faithful to you?

Having an emotional affair undermines the trust you have in yourself

By being unfaithful, you disappoint that part of yourself that in the future wants to have a trusting relationship. You don’t only screw over your boyfriend. You screw over yourself and your ability to trust the process. Be the strong person you want other people to be for you.

Be resilient. Break up before you take your business to another establishment.

Don’t try to be friends

Don’t tell him the two of you can be friends. It’s a cliché, and any attempt to be friends (too soon) will only cause more heartbreak.

Don’t make your shared friends choose between the two of you. Try to involve your shared friends as little as possible. If you need to vent, choose a friend who isn’t friends with your ex.

Make it a clean break

Sort through things as effectively as possible. This is especially important if you share an apartment or other significant stuff together. Do some planning in advance, like finding a place to stay. Decide what you want to do with your shared belongings.

After the breakup, don’t contact him. Give him time to heal. Plenty of time. We are talking a year here. This is the most considerate thing you can do. Don’t give him false hope by remaining in contact.

A final note

If you start second-guessing yourself, acknowledge that doubt is a natural phase of every breakup. This doubt usually happens about a month after the breakup and again at the three-month mark.

When you start doubting your decision, go back and read what you wrote in the soul-searching phase. Remind yourself why this wasn’t the right relationship for you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel

Good luck. You are going to need it.

To break up with your boyfriend is hard and painful. But don’t despair. The life you will have on the other side of the breakup will be better than the life you had in the relationship.