How to Be a Better Friend – 11 principles to live by

Become a master at creating strong connections

Having amazing friendships is an important part of a happy well-rounded life. A good friend is someone who inspires and supports you. Naturally, you want to be that person for your friends, thus the question about how to be a better friend, is an excellent starting point to develop deep and fulfilling relationships that will last a lifetime.

1. Improve your listening skills

We all know how to listen. But most of us are a little bit too distracted by modern technology and by our own problems to be great listeners. Trust me when I say, there is room for improvement.

Be present

Listening to someone is about being present and giving them your full attention. Don’t think about what you want to reply or your view on the problem. Forget about your own to-do list and be immersed in the story your friend tells you.

Ask the right questions

Improving your listening skill is also about asking the right questions. By asking your friends deeper questions you show them that you care about who they truly are. You want to get to know them and to see the real them. Check out our guide 27 important things you should know about your partner, for inspiration.

The same question that brings lovers closer will also strengthen your friendship.

Ask them how they feel

You should ask this question with a genuine interest in the answer, if they just reply “good,” dig a bit deeper. Ask them about the highlights (or low points) of their week.

2. Tell them what they mean to you

Most people go through life without knowing the significance they play in other people’s lives. We simply don’t tell our friends what they mean to us. (Unless someone is dying.)

Don’t wait until the end, make sure your friends know exactly how they have made an impact on your life.

Tell them what you admire about them. Also, tell them why your friendship is so valuable to you.

Make them feel seen

You can apply the same method to your surface-level friends, just with lighter subjects. For example, tell someone that you like how thoughtful they are or that they inspire you with their dedicated exercise regime.

People don’t remember what you said or what you did, but they do remember how you made them feel about themselves.

Make them feel liked

Making people feel good about themselves is surprisingly simple, you just have to point out why you like them. This is an effective strategy when you ask how to be a better friend.

3. Take an interest in their interests

Human beings are often a bit self-centered. You want your friend to be there for you, but you seldom stop to ask how you can show your care.

One of the ways is to take a genuine interest in one of their big passions. If your friend loves to go out dancing, join her. (Even if you have two left feet.)

Join her where she is at

If your friend loves modern art, take her to a museum.

Don’t assume that the two of you can only do things both of you like. Playing in her field might even make you discover one or two new interests.

When someone does the very thing they love, they are often the closest to being fully themselves. Regard this as an opportunity to see your friend for who she truly is.

4. Remember their big days

If you feel that you don’t have as much time as you would want for your friends, you can compensate for your busy schedule by being present on their important days.

You can also send flowers and a nice gift if the two of you live far away from each other. A nice letter (yes a real letter) is another good idea to make your friend feel special.

Unusual important days

Of course, Christmas and our birthdays are important for most people. But a lot of people also have other days that mean a lot to them, or that are hard for them to get through.

If they have suffered a loss, they will appreciate a phone call on that day. Or that you are there for them supporting them through those tricky days.

Knowing which days are special to your friend will make you a better friend.

5. Celebrate their victories

Jealousy and envy are the opposite of being a good friend. Make sure you show up generously in your friend’s lives. Be the first to congratulate them on a promotion or celebrate with them when they finally find love.

Bring  joy and happiness

Being alive is a joyful event, yet we don’t celebrate our milestones enough. You can be a better friend by always making sure you give your friend’s accomplishments the attention they deserve.

Make things festive

Buy a bottle of champagne, take her out for dinner, write a card, and tell her how proud you are that she passed her exam.

6. Be vulnerable and share who you truly are

When people are not as close to their friends as they would like, one of the main problems is that they are not vulnerable enough.

By letting someone see our weaknesses we actually bring that person closer. When you tell your friend something deeply personal, you show her how much you trust her. Being vulnerable is a gift to the other person.

Tell them about your struggles

Open up to your friends and share the things you have a hard time dealing with.

The result of this is two folded, you feel closer to your friend and she also feels closer to you. Push yourself to tell her things that feel just a little bit scary to talk about.

7. Don’t tell them what to do or who to be

This is a bit of a pet peeve for me, I don’t know about you, but I hate when people tell me what I should do.

I know it is easy to fall into this trap. After all, you know she needs to save money or lose weight or get back into the dating game. You can see it clear as day and you are really just doing her a favor, right?

Ask what they need

Instead of telling your friend how they should act, simply ask what they need. This is a much more generous and calm way to interact with people. The answers you get might surprise you.

Your friend probably just needs support, when you give her that she will be capable to deal with her issues in the way she thinks is best.

Don’t judge

The problem with unsolicited advice is that most people already know what they should do, they tell themselves those very things all the time. When you step in and echo their inner voice, they feel judged rather than seen.

8. Be comfortable with their dark side

This is such a beautiful way to be a better friend. Don’t shy away from painful conversations or even from conflict. Embraces the messy side of being a human.

When your friend tells you sensitive information, be present and comfortable.

A bid for intimacy

Every time someone tells you something personal about themselves it is a bid for increased intimacy. Many people don’t respond in the correct way; they simply don’t want to know too much. You deepen your friendship by being cool with talking about painful subjects.

9. Say you are sorry

Everyone makes mistakes. Getting closer to your friends will have you doing too little or too much at times. Always listen to your friend and see her side of the situation.

If you think you have messed up, own your mistakes, and tell her you are sorry.

Being able to reflect on your own behavior and be humble will, in the long run, strengthen your friendships.

competition amongst friends

The beautiful thing about friendship is that we can have many different kinds of friendships and they can all complement each other.

Don’t feel jealous of your friend’s other friends, Read my article Can You Have More Than One Best Friend – Here Is Our Opinion, for a fresh perspective on all different kinds of friendship that you should savor.

10. Be intentional when it comes to your friendships

Most people expect strong friendships to happen automatically. This is an area of our life that most of us don’t make a big enough effort. We are simply busy with family, careers, and other interests.

But you are different since you are asking how to be a better friend.

You are already a good friend

This tells me that you already have the solution, focusing on building and maintaining friendships will surely make you the best friend any of your friends have ever had.

You, my friend, are already ahead of the game.

11. Take the lead and include them

The last thing I wanted to include in these strategies is to not be afraid to call people and include them in the activities you already plan to do.

Keep things casual, invite your friend for a simple walk, or to share your evening meal. Include your friend in your day-to-day life.

Too many people save their friendships for special occasions. Be the opposite, tag along when your friend goes to the laundromat.

Lead the way

The other point is to take the initiative. People are generally a bit afraid when it comes to making new friends, no one wants to be rejected.

But out there is an infinite number of people just waiting to meet you and to become your friend. All you have to do is to reach out your hand and grab theirs.

Make more friends

If you are wondering how to be a better friend because you don’t have enough friends, rest assured, these 11 tips will work wonders. You can also check out my article How to make new friends in your 30s.

A final note

How to be a better friend is a great question.

Kudos to you for being a sweet and caring person capable of asking such a simple and important question.  

These 11 strategies can be applied both to deepen the friendships you already have and to build completely new friendships.

If you use all of them, you will be an extraordinary friend.