How long does it take for men to attach?

3 categories of men and all the info on their modus operandi

When it comes to how long does it take for men to attach, there are three types of men. Every man you meet falls into one of these 3 categories, with no exceptions.

3 distinctive categories

The first category attaches very quickly. They form a strong attachment to a woman and the idea of her during the first 3 dates.

The second category is more cautious and analytical; these men take between 2-4 months to attach.

If it’s been more than 4 months and the guy still hasn’t formed an attachment, he falls into the third category of men. They have a hard time attaching and forming stable long-term relationships. (Players and commitment-phobes fall into this category.)

Category 1: Fast attachment, “Love at first sight”

Men love women.

Many men say that they knew from the first moment they laid eyes on a specific woman they knew that she was the one. According to my survey, men are just as prone as women, to love at first sight. A surprising number of men form strong attachments early on.

Women often think that men are not romantic, but the opposite is true. Many men are extremely romantic.

Attachment and commitment are not the same thing

One thing many women don’t understand about men is that within every man, there are two different forces. One side of him falls in love and wants to commit, but the other, equally strong side, keeps urging him toward freedom. This side fights commitment in all its different forms.

Men are extremely afraid of losing their freedom

So, if you don’t get the commitment you want from a specific man, it doesn’t mean that he is not attached. It just means that he wants to keep his freedom.

Attachment and strong feelings are not the same thing

What makes the situation so confusing is that the stronger the feelings a man has for someone, the stronger the need to pull away.

Only someone he deeply loves and respects can threaten his freedom in such a way that he feels the need to pull away.

He is attached, all right. But that attachment is what makes him want to pull away from you.

Only the people we love have the capability to hurt us deeply.

Men and commitment

In our survey “Men and their secrets,” we asked 100 men about commitment and what made them commit to a specific woman.

Many men claimed to have known very early on that they had met a gem and that they absolutely wanted something serious with her.

Category 2: Normal attachment “A man with healthy boundaries looking for a serious relationship”

It is perfectly normal, even healthy, when a man takes his time to attach to you. The fact that he is evaluating you over a couple of months (up to 4 months of dating is normal) means that he has a solid self-esteem and that he wants to make a choice that is right for both of you.

It takes time to get to know someone.

Rushing into a big commitment in the honeymoon phase often backfired later on.

You should be evaluating him

If it feels stressful not to know where the two of you stand, consider that this is also an opportunity for you to find out if he is a good match for you.

You should not feel like you are “trying to sell yourself” or “trying to sell the idea of a relationship.”

If you are looking for a serious relationship and he is looking for something casual, the two of you are simply not a good match.

Give him time

During the first 4 months, don’t try to force more commitment than he is willing to give you. Going at a slow phase is often the start of a healthy and happy relationship; you cannot stress the process of getting to know another human.

Category 3: Difficult attachment “Hard to get, emotionally unavailable man”

When the two of you have been dating for 4 months, and he still hasn’t talked to you about where he sees the relationship in the future, this is a bit of a red flag.

It is time for you to ask him the very simple question about where he stands.

Depending on how much time you have spent together, 4 months is a reasonable timeframe to figure out if you have great chemistry and common values and are equally dedicated to your relationship.

Make a decision for yourself

If he is not giving you what you are looking for, this is the time to let go. If you are looking for a serious, committed relationship, you don’t want to waste your precious energy on someone who is not there yet.

If he has a hard time attaching

If he has shared with you about his difficulties around relationship, you can extend this period to 6 months. We all have fears when it comes to relationships, but in the end, we all want someone to spend our life with.

But beyond 6 months, it is important that you honor your own needs.

How do you get these different categories of men to emotionally attach to you?

Category 1: The Romantic Guy

Since their feelings are so strong early on, it is normal that this man pulls away at some point. His reason is catching up with his heart, and he starts questioning if this budding relationship is the direction he wants to go in.

This is normal doubt.

To make him stay attached to you, give him space and time to figure out what he wants. Don’t try to push him to commitment.

Read my article When He Pulls Away Do Nothing, and you will understand this peculiar behavior.

If a man comes on strong in the beginning, only to pull away later, there is a risk that he, in fact, falls into the category

The feelings were real, but the strength of those feelings is what scared him away.

How to get him to fall in love and attach

Except for this caveat, you get this man to attach by being open and vulnerable and sharing your feelings with him. This category of men appreciates a romantic woman who is in contact with her emotions.

Read my article How to be more emotionally available for more tips on how to make this kind of guy fall in love with you.

Category 2: The stable Normal Guy

You make this man form an attachment to you by being a solid person who has the different areas of her life under control. This kind of man will observe how you handle your friends and family, your hobbies, and your career.

He is not prepared to jump into marriage with the first lunatic who shows up and gives him her heart.

He wants a stable life partner

To find out if the two of you are a good match you might go on a holiday together. You will both consider how you handle fights and disagreements.

When this kind of man is dating you, you can be sure that he likes you. Since he is analytical and practical, he makes rational decisions. Before he takes the next step, he just wants to make sure that he can give you what you’re looking for and that he can make you happy.

How to get him to fall in love and attach

Keep your hobbies and keep on improving the different areas of your life and he will attach.

Also, show this guy that you are willing to work through the problems that show up. He just wants to make sure you will do your part and be a supportive, kind partner.

Category 3: The emotionally unavailable guy

It is a myth that this guy never settles down. Quit the opposite; even this guy eventually finds a woman who is patient enough to unlock his shielded heart.

But you have no idea of knowing when he will finally commit; a lot of these men commit when they are 36-46 years old.

You don’t want to wait 10 years, do you?

To understand more about how this man operates, read my article Confessions of an emotionally unavailable man.

Will the relationship be happy?

Before you work too hard to make him yours, consider that you can also be emotionally unavailable in a relationship.

There is a risk that you always will be wanting more than he is willing to give you. Even when you live together, he might spend more time on his video games than on telling you how much he loves you.

You can read about attachment styles to understand this category of men better.

If you want a whirlwind romance, it is better to look for a guy from the first category.

Do you still want him?

The trick to getting this man to attach to you is to let him be himself. Accept him for who he is. Be warm, flirty, and generous when he does show up. Let him enjoy the warm presence of your company. Do all of this without building any resentment for his lack of commitment.

Be easygoing, but don’t be a pushover. Combine your warmth and acceptance with having firm personal boundaries. Communicate to him what is OK and what is not OK and enforce those boundaries.

Don’t criticize him and try to make him change (he won’t). But also honor yourself; for example, don’t let him show up late at night at your place if that’s not OK with you.

The main sign a man is emotionally attached to you

Category 1

He tells you what you mean to him.

A man in the first category will be aware of his feelings and strongly tend to express them. He will say that he is falling for you, or something similar.

His emotions are strong, and he wants to express them.

He will follow the normal procedure for when you meet someone and want to make them yours; he will introduce you to his friends and family. He will be fast and stable in his communication and he will take enjoyment out of planning for a common future.

One thing to be cautious about

The only problem with a guy in the first category is that he might be too eager. He might fail to see you as you really are and probably evaluate if your future aligns.

In his love for you, he might forget about other priorities and dreams he had prior to meeting you.

Make sure that the relationship doesn’t engulf him. Encourage him to spend time on his hobbies and with his friends.

Category 2

He makes an effort.

This guy might not tell you how he feels. And because of this, you might sometimes doubt his feelings. But do not worry; his actions will tell you how he feels.

If he keeps being consistent and scheduling dates with you once a week, it means that he is slowly forming an attachment.

Slow and steady wins the race is the motto of this guy.

This is such an important aspect; another guy might promise you the world and sweep you off your feet, but if he is flaky and often fails to check in with you, his high-flying emotions are not worth much.

One thing to be cautious about

You might not feel like you are being swept off your feet since this guy takes his time. But give him a chance; let him do his thing. When he evaluates you, he also ensures he is a good match for you. This guy is good at asking you important questions.

Since you have a longer dating period, there will be fewer bumps down the road.

Both of you will take your time to make sure you can become a happy, satisfied couple. Don’t mistake his slowness for a lack of romance.

Taking the other person into consideration and being careful with her feelings is romantic.

He cares about you.

And yes, he has formed an attachment to you, so don’t worry about that.

Category 3

He keeps popping up.

You know this guy has become emotionally attached to you when he keeps popping up. He might show up at your favorite bar, coffee shop, or one of your hobbies. He makes an effort to befriend your friends.  

Basically, he is attaching himself to your life without making it too obvious.

He might express his feelings in a rollercoaster way, one day he tells you how special you are, the next day he is not answering your messages.

The question is: How patient are you?

By the way, there is no right answer to this question.

Some of these guys, when given time and freedom, turn out to be excellent boyfriends, husbands, and fathers.

One thing to be cautious about

You are the one who should take care of your mental sanity. It is up to you to consider what your boundaries are and to enforce them.

There is no special key that will unlock his heart, so instead of trying to get him, ask yourself what feels ok for you.

This guy will certainly test your boundaries and your dedication to yourself.

At times, you will wonder if he cares at all. Remember that it is his trauma that instigates this dance.

But don’t let that justify bad behavior. We teach people how they should treat us.

A final note on how long does it takes for men to attach?

When you know how long it takes for men to attach, you will also know how to handle the situation. If he is giving you attention or spending time with you, most likely, he is attached already. Humans like each other, and they care deeply for each other.

Whether he is attached or not is one question; if you should give him your heart, it is a completely different question. Ask yourself if he is the right person for you, and you have the answer you really need.