How do you know when it’s the right time to divorce?

A woman’s personal journey and her unique answer

Life is full of choices, big choices, and small choices, and together they all help determine our future. Deciding whether to stay in a marriage or walk away is one of the biggest choices you will make.

I don’t claim to know the answer, but if you are thinking about leaving and wondering, how do you know when it’s the right time to divorce? I have some wisdom for you. I will share my story and the signs that it was finally time to let go.

10 signs that it might be time for a divorce

1. You can’t remember what you liked about him in the first place.
2. You just want out; you don’t care about the price.
3. You feel your confidence eroding.
4. You can’t remember the last time you felt happy.
5. Even his good sides annoy you.
6. You have tried therapy.
7. You stop making an effort.
8. The sex is sporadic and pretty bad.
9. The communication has completely fallen apart.
10. You fantasize about other people.

My story

I was once in your shoes, wondering if I should stay or go?

Save my marriage or tell my husband thank you and goodbye. I spent years agonizing over this question, and the things below were what made me finally make a decision.

Some of the signs below are acceptable; all of them mean you are heading for The End.

All the signs below were present in my marriage, and they all worked together and led me to finally walk away.

I made the right decision for me

Now, five years later, I’m still happy with that decision.

You can overcome obstacles in your marriage. But the accumulating sum of the 10 points below was too big an obstacle for me to overcome. I thought I would be better on my own, and I was.

Ending my marriage was the right decision.

It was a heartbreaking decision for my children. When I walked away from my marriage, I gave up the idea of what a family was supposed to look like.

1. You can’t remember what you liked about him in the first place

Once upon a time, he was the man you fell in love with.

He was, by far, the most fantastic human being you have ever met. The two of you were such a perfect match. You just couldn’t believe your luck. Remember those times?

The sweet memory of falling in love with my husband kept me fighting for our marriage for years.

I forgot all the things that made us great

Until one day, I honestly couldn’t remember our first couple of dates.

I also realized I completely forgot why I had been so crazy about him in the first place. I knew I had a serious problem on my hands. Who was this annoying stranger next to me?

My marriage was in danger.

The less you take pride and satisfaction in the story about your love, the closer you are to that unfortunate day when you realize it’s time to jump ship.

2. You just want out; you don’t care about the price

I have two children. My husband was a great father to them. No complaints there.

I just didn’t like the way he treated me and all the silence that had crept into our relationship.

During the first years of doubt, I could see myself staying for my children. At least they seemed to be happy.

I had to choose myself

As the years progressed and our marriage fell apart, I started to care less and less about everyone else.

I couldn’t live to make them happy.

When you find yourself prepared to pay a very high price to get away, I would say you are close to divorce. There is no need to continue asking the questions; how do you know when it’s the right time to divorce?

3. You feel your confidence eroding

I used to be confident. Nothing scared me; I was a fun, adventurous person. But as my marriage progressed, that person slowly disappeared. I was second-guessing a lot of things about myself.

I used to be fit and beautiful and ready to take on the world.

But when I looked at myself in the mirror, I saw someone ugly, irritated, and in a constant position of defense.

My marriage made me into a hollow shell

My husband’s treatment of me led to me starting to treat myself worse. He seemed to have lost respect for me, and as a result, I lost respect for myself. We, as a couple, were eating away at my confidence.

Sure, I was responsible for myself.

He didn’t build me up

But make no mistake, there are two kinds of people in your life, the people who make you a better person and the people who make you a worse person.

My husband was damaging my confidence.

He was cruel to me, and I compromised with my confidence by accepting that cruelty. I didn’t stand up for myself, and I knew it and despised myself for it.

As a result, my confidence hit an all-time low.

Ending my marriage led me to a new self

Ending my marriage didn’t solve this downward spiral, but the end of my marriage was the start of a new me.

I slowly found my way back to everything I had previously enjoyed. If you wonder how to improve yourself, marriage or no marriage, check out our guide on how to appear more attractive as a woman. Your confidence is your most valuable resource.

I was not prepared to pay the high price

If I had stayed in my marriage, I would have lost even more confidence. I would have become a scared and small person, and that was a price I, in the end, was not prepared to pay, and neither should you.

4. You can’t remember the last time you felt happy

Happiness is elusive.

You try to catch some of it while dropping off your kids at school or on your way home from work. During the last years of my marriage, I was profoundly unhappy.

I was always worried, and troubled, and preparing for the next argument or for the next time I would be criticized.

My life was deprived of happiness

Happiness was something I had given up on. Life seemed to be an endless struggle. My former husband told me that happiness was overrated. I almost believed him.

But the day I realized I hadn’t been happy for years was the day I called a divorce lawyer. Never underestimate the power of happiness.

5. Even his good sides annoy you

My husband was a great father. (He still is.)

But during our last holiday, I noticed myself becoming irritated with this exact quality. He was doing everything for our children, and they loved him for it. But he was too nice towards them, and he spent too much time on them.

I know; I had turned into a monster. There was no saving my marriage with this insight.

My ex-husband had many good qualities

My ex-husband was also great at his work as a teacher. But even there, I started to despise how much of himself he put into his work.

He took away time from his family and me and gladly spent it on all those teenagers. I was heading for destination bitter-town. I was even annoyed at how proud he was of his popularity.

Yeah, I was neither kind nor generous.

Even his habit of cooking elaborate dinners while listening to jazz had started to seriously annoy me. As a result of this jealousy, my marriage was beyond saving.

6. You have tried therapy

We did couples counseling. It helped us improve our communication, which helped when we finally settled for a divorce.

We had better tools to deal with all of our disagreements. We tried hard to communicate instead of ignoring each other. But none of us seemed to appreciate communicating with the other.

I tried therapy on my own

We spent a fortune on having other people try to reason with us and fix our problems and talk us into becoming better people, but we always ended at the same place, which was that we didn’t particularly like each other anymore.

That’s when you know it’s the right time for a divorce.

7. You stop making an effort

Sure, it sucks when your husband stops making an effort, but do you know what sucks even more? When you stop making an effort. That’s when you start hating yourself.

Yeah, that was me during our last years of marriage.

I didn’t ask him about his day. My clothes were terrible, and my fitness regime was a bit of a joke.

I treated him terrible

Sometimes I didn’t even put a plate for him when I cooked dinner. I didn’t moan during sex. My whole personality transformed into an unpleasant shell of indifference.

I didn’t like how he treated me, but I was even more unhappy with whom I had become in relation to him. Yes, marriage can apparently do that to you.

You become a witch and a bitch. And that’s a clear sign when you wonder how you know when it’s the right time to divorce?

8. The sex is sporadic and pretty bad

Great sex is like a great conversation, and you have to invest a lot of yourself to reach a strong intimate bond.

If both of you are unengaged and uninterested, the result will be bad.

Are you still attracted to your partner?

Yeah, that was my dilemma. It’s not easy to have mind-blowing sex when you find your partner as attractive as you find the vacuum cleaner.

In fact, towards the end, I had much more fun in the shower than I had with my husband. None of us made an effort, and it showed in the sex.

If you have decided to leave your marriage, read our guide How to get over your ex fast, for all the advice on how to handle a break-up.

9. The communication has completely fallen apart

In my marriage, we both gave each other the silent treatment.

It was our -not-so-secret weapon.

Both of us hated being ignored, and both of us did that to the other person. Just because we knew how much it would annoy the other person.  

We didn’t communicate

Both of us had periods where we simply refused to communicate, and those periods were the most damaging. Without communication, there is no saving your marriage.

Without communication, you can’t do that little thing that other people call; work on your marriage. So when the communication has completely stopped, you know that it’s the right time for a divorce.

Should you stay or go?

Are you still wondering whether to stay or go? Check out our guide Should I break up with my boyfriend? for more insights.

10. You fantasy about other people

A certain amount of daydreaming is OK, but when you all too often find yourself dreaming about someone else, that tells me you have checked out from the marriage.

You start to desire another life

You might even fantasize about another life for yourself. Our fantasies and dreams tell us a lot about what we would want our reality to look like.

Do you want to read another real-life story about marriage and regret? Here is an interesting true story; Limerence and regret.

What does your dream life look like?

You can actually use this to your advantage, go for a walk and allow yourself to dream freely.

What would you want your life to look like? What steps do you need to take to reach that dream life?

Fantasizing about other people or going as far as having an emotional affair is a sign that part of you has given up on the marriage.

You use your imagination as an escape route, and you create another existence for yourself. If you are not ready to give up this alternative reality that’s just a dream, it’s a sign that it’s time for a divorce.

A Final Note

People often ask me how I knew it was time for a divorce.

I tell them that, in the end, the only thing you can do is trust your instinct.

When you too often find yourself asking the question, “How do you know when it’s the right time to divorce?” the answer already exists within you.

Doubt is normal; a constant state of frustration is not.

You know it’s time to let go when you don’t want to save your marriage anymore. You are done. You are over. The only thing you desire is a place of your own.