A step-by-step guide To Getting Over A Breakup With No Closure
When a relationship ends, we want to understand why. We want to find out if we did something wrong. If the other person is not available to give us answers, we will be forced to ask yourself; how do I deal with a breakup without closure?
Could you have done anything differently?
After the relationship ended, we are often plagued by thoughts that we should have behaved differently, and that we might have gotten a different outcome by doing so.
Many times, we also feel like the other person is to blame for most of the things that went wrong. If you don’t deal with the bitterness, it might spoil your life, moving forward.
8 steps to freedom and peace of mind
Are you in a situation where the other person haven’t given you any explanation and, on top of that, cut all communication?
This text will give you a step-by-step guide to getting over a breakup with no closure. Follow these 8 steps, and you will not only get over your breakup, but you will also become a better human.
Step 1, Allow yourself to grief
The first step to moving on from a breakup without closure is to allow yourself to have negative emotions.
Those emotions can be; sadness, anger, frustration, and disappointment.
Whatever feelings you are having, tell yourself that it’s OK to feel those feelings.
The more you can name and distinguish your feeling, the faster you will get closure.
Take the time you need to be sad
Although, there is no need to rush this process. If you don’t properly process your feeling, you will store them within, and they will sabotage you in other forms, such as self-destructive behavior. Suppressed feelings always come back to bite you in the ass.
Be gentle and kind to yourself. Grief the relationship as a way to get closure.
Our feelings are important. Honor your feelings. When you are getting over someone, allow yourself to be fucking sad.
Step 2, Realize that some men are emotionally unavailable
I don’t know what happened in your relationship. And I certainly don’t know why you didn’t get the closure you deserve.
What I do know is that some men are emotionally unavailable. This character flaw is not something you could have known from the beginning. So don’t beat yourself up for not seeing red flags.
Learn more about why men pull away from healthy relationships
That the man in question is emotionally unavailable is one of the most common reasons when you find yourself in a situation where you need to deal with a breakup without closure.
If you are interested in more reasons, read our article Why guys lose interest, you can also check out When he pulls away, do nothing.
There is no way of knowing in the beginning what you are dealing with
Quite the opposite, emotionally unavailable men can often come off as really open and loving at the beginning of a relationship.
They are charming and appear to have everything under control.
The point that I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t blame yourself for the fact that the relationship didn’t work out. You did your best. You should also not blame yourself for not getting closure.
Strong emotions are overwhelming for some people
When someone who you have been close to completely withdraws from you, the reason, in most cases, is that this person is emotionally overwhelmed.
Whatever happened between the two of you set off his flight mood, and that’s the way he reacted.
He got scared.
He couldn’t handle the intensity of his feelings.
He did care. He did like you. Never doubt this.
Learn more about emotionally unavailable men
I recommend learning a bit more about emotionally unavailable men. Understanding where he is coming from, and his reality will help you get closure. Read our articles Confessions of an emotionally unavailable man and 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.
Step 3, Question the stories you tell yourself
When we are hurting over something, the hurt we feel is a combination between the actual event and the stories we tell ourselves about that event.
If someone completely stops communicating with you, the chances are that you are telling yourself all sorts of stories to try to explain what this means.
Examples of those stories can be:
- I am defected
- I am not worthy of love
- I am not good enough
- I am unwanted
- I will be alone forever
- I am unattractive
Those stories are not true
When you deal with a breakup without closure, it’s of absolute importance that you take a look at the stories you tell yourself and question thoose stories.
Write down what you make the breakup mean about yourself, and then write down at least five reasons why this conclusion is not true.
Practice kindness toward yourself
When we deal with a traumatic experience, we often have a negative script running in our heads, and that script causes us unnecessary pain. It’s of absolute importance that you don’t allow yourself to put yourself down.
Don’t keep repeating false negative stories. Check out this inspiring woman to understand more about the stories we tell ourselves.
Step 4, Learn to live with the unknown
Another reason why it’s so difficult to deal with a breakup without closure is that we as humans are programmed to search for answers.
We are constantly looking to increase our knowledge base.
We don’t like the unknown. If we have a mystery in front of us, we desperately want to solve it. We are basically problem-solving machines. When you deal with a breakup without closure, this mechanism works against you.
Your mind loves to figure things out
Your mind will be preoccupied with trying to figure things out.
But when someone else stonewalls you from their life, you will never know the full explanation. There is no universal truth to uncover. The closure has to come from within you and from you accepting the fact that you will not be able to understand everything that went down.
He doesn’t know the full explanation
You might want him to explain himself. But even if he did that, you would still not know the whole truth. He might come up with all sorts of reasons why the relationship ended.
He acted from his different core wounds
But our actions are also controlled by our subconscious, especially in situations like this.
He might give himself plenty of reasons for what happened, but the real reasons exist on a subconscious level, and they can be completely different from the reasons he tells himself.
He can’t give you the answer
The same goes for the reason he would tell you if the two of you had a conversation. They might not be the true reasons. So don’t get attached to the idea that a conversation with him would clarify everything.
This means that there will be no clear answer to all the questions you have, and you have to accept not knowing.
Step 5, Have a funeral for the relationship
This will be a short and sweet tip, and you might not like it. But hear me out; we as humans use rituals to make sense of our existence.
A good way to deal with a breakup without closure is to have a funeral for the relationship. Bring a couple of things that you associate with the relationship, bury them, or let them go in a river or in the ocean.
Play a couple of sad songs. Meditate on your sadness. Light candles and incense. Make a grieving dance.
Make your own ritual
Make your own ritual in homage to the relationship and the ending of the relationship.
If you feel skeptical about this step, I understand, but I urge you to give this tip a try.
I guarantee it will work. You will get a stronger sense of closure. All you have to do is set aside one hour and be fully present during that hour. There is a reason why humans have always utilized rituals to make sense of their life and the world.
Step 6, Let go of the notion that you should have acted different
The closure is accepting that you did your best to make the relationship work.
When we are stuck ruminating about the past, we often try to figure out what we did wrong and how we should have done things differently. Let go of this mind frame.
To stop second-guessing yourself is an important step when you deal with a breakup without closure.
You did your best
To move on from the relationship and get your closure, you need to let go of the notion that it was within your power to make the relationship work.
If you want, you can take some time and analyze how you could have been safer, more vulnerable, and more honest in the relationship. But after your postmortem, you need to stop blaming yourself.
Decide who you want to be, moving forward
When you think about your role in the breakup, focus on what you would like to do differently moving forward.
Maybe you want to become better at establishing your boundaries?
Maybe you want to become better at keeping your routines at the beginning of a relationship? Or maybe you would like to be more honest with your future partner about how you are truly feeling?
Be concrete and constructive when you think about your part in why the relationship ended.
Step 7, Make small (or big) changes in your life
When you had a relationship that didn’t work out, it’s important that you change parts of your routine afterward.
This will help you become open to the world once again. Trying new things is most likely the last thing you want to do right now. But to get closure, this is exactly what you need to do.
Take some time to grief, as mentioned above. But if it has been months rather than weeks, it’s time to push yourself outside of your comfort zone.
Trying new things is your way of using your body to tell your mind that life moves on.
Go somewhere you have never been before
It can be something as simple as visiting a new place.
If you can’t travel, just go for a walk in areas you have never previously visited. Also, try a new activity, this can be a sport or some form of hobby.
Accept invitations you wouldn’t normally expect. Spend time with people you have never spent time with before.
Show your mind that it’s time to let go
The important thing is that you try to do new things, even if you don’t feel like doing them. You are in control of your actions, so push yourself.
Your body needs new sensory impressions, and you get those by doing new things.
This way, your body will move on, and your brain will follow.
Step 8, Decide which story you want to tell yourself
Letting go of negative stories is the first step toward healing. The second step in this process is to create new positive stories about yourself, your life, and the breakup.
Don’t shame yourself and your behavior in the relationship, and don’t tell yourself that you should have known better.
Make the story a good one
Instead, make a story you feel comfortable inhabiting. Make the breakup a part of this story.
Tell yourself in what way you have grown as a human. Tell yourself about the new sides of yourself that you discovered due to the breakup, both positive and negative sides.
You are a wiser person today
Take some time and think about the skills and insights you learned from this relationship.
Celebrate this new, improved version of yourself that has just emerged into life.
Make the relationship mean something to you, and make this meaning be something positive. You should be in control of the stories you tell yourself.
Don’t get stuck in bitterness
Instead, use the breakup as a motivation to do things you secretly always wanted to do. This way, the breakup will be the thing that leads you down a new path. The result of the breakup will be a better you.
The mistakes you made in this relationship will make you more aware not to make the same mistakes next time.
The breakup will have enriched you, and it will become a natural part of the new, improved you.
Life is a journey.
We learn from painful experiences. Create your own meaning from the breakup. This is by far the best strategy when you deal with a breakup without closure.
A Final note
Breakups are awful.
A breakup without closure is even worse. But if you follow these eight steps, I can guarantee that you will find your own closure.
The person you will be a couple of months from now will be content, strong and full of the joy of living.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
