Ending a close friendship

Why you might have to do it, and how to proceed

It’s such a happy moment when you make a new best friend. You are not thinking about the future or that you, one day, might need to be the one ending a close friendship.

Friendships might fade out naturally

Most of the time, our friendships are not anything we need to end. Friendships that no longer serve us tend to fade out rather than demand a breakup.

When it comes to a close friendship, the situation might be different. You might have to end a close friendship. I will tell you the exact step to do this in a decent and constructive way.

The steps to ending a close friendship

The first and most important step is to understand why you need to end the friendship.

In what way have things changed? Has your friendship turned toxic?

Take a break from your friend

Start by taking a break from the friendship; maybe you just need some space.

If you don’t miss the friendship during the break, you can let the friendship fade away by having less and less contact with your former close friend.

Be brave and have a conversation with your friend

Although, in most cases, it’s more polite to have a conversation with your former friend, be honest, and break up with her. Tell her the reasons why you want to end the friendship.

Why end a close friendship?

Maybe you have changed, maybe she has changed, maybe something concrete has changed that has tilted the dynamic of the friendship?

Things change in our lives. For example, our workplace and our family life, and in accordance with this, our different friends take a major or minor role in our life.

Often we are OK with a break

We might not spend as much time with a particular friend as we would like, but we are OK with that because, in many ways, we count on our friends always to be there.

We also expect to make new friends when necessary. Even if we stop spending time with someone, most people still regard the friendship as an existing one.

Our feelings have changed

But sometimes we have a close friend whom we don’t want to keep in our life.

Not unlike a love story that has run its course, we have run out of warm feelings for this particular person. Ending a close friendship is never easy.

Are friendships forever?

There is a lot of shame around ending a friendship.

Many people believe that you are always supposed to be there for your friends. Don’t buy into this idea. Don’t feel bad about ending a close friendship.

You know what is best for you

You know what is good for you, and you have to take care of yourself, and that’s OK.

Accepting that ending a close friendship is OK is the first step in this process.

The less guilt and shame you have moving forward, the easier the breakup will be.

Close friendships run deep

Close friendship often provides our deepest human connection.

In many cases, our partners change, but our friends stay the same. And yet we don’t have rituals on how to end a close friendship.

Let me try and bridge this dissonance and give you a roadmap on how to end a close friendship.

When should you end a close friendship?

A great friendship is one of life’s biggest pleasures.

But there are also many ways friendship can go from right to wrong. Let me give you a couple of examples. Friendships that turned bad oftentimes feel one-sided. Your friend expects a lot from you, but when you need help, she is always busy.

Close friends can become too demanding

Or your friend expects you to do a lot of emotional work on her behalf.

She always brings her complaints and problems, until you feel like an unpaid therapist.

Only there is no “one-hour restriction” to the sessions.

You have to stay involved for the whole evening. I think we all have been there. Drinking too much cheap wine and just listen, listen and listen.

You became someone else, and so did she

Another natural way friendships changes are if the two of you changed in different directions.

You might both have been die-hard party animals, or lonely stoners listening to depressing music all night.

But nowadays, one of you has changed. And the only thing you are left feeling every time you spend time with your friend is that she wants you to be someone you are not.

Find out as much as you can about why you need to end the friendship

So these were a couple of suggestions, but every situation is unique when it comes to close friends. I strongly advise you to take a look at your particular friendship.

Do the hard work to diagnose the problem.

Determine what’s going on.

Write down your conclusions

Before you decide to end the friendship, write down why you feel different about your friend.

How do you think she has changed? Or are you the one who has changed? What are the main reasons why you want to end the friendship?

Toxic friendship

Friendships, just like romantic relationships, can become toxic.

Those friendships often start with a lot of love and understanding.

Finding a friend who gets you is oftentimes even more fun than falling in love. The two of you might have had a deep emotional connection and lots of things in common.

You discovered her dark side

You probably thought you had found a lifelong friend.

But it turns out she had a much darker side. Dark like Nebraska in the middle of the winter.

Is she manipulative?

Whatever her dark passenger is, it’s something you don’t want in your life.

Here is our in-depth article about Manipulative behavior. Do you recognize your friend in any of the examples?

Signs you are in a toxic friendship

You might be in a toxic friendship if you often feel criticized, belittled, and attacked by your friend.

If you are constantly trying to adjust to her expectations of you and the friendship, I understand why you are thinking about ending a close friendship.

You tried to help her

We all have to take care of our own sanity. Oftentimes when you meet a close friend, you try to help her and make things better for her in all sorts of ways.

You spend hours listening and analyzing problems and coming up with solutions.

Does she drain your energy?

But a couple of years (or decades) later, she is still in the same dark place.

You are starting to think that it’s her, not the rest of the world, that is the problem.

Is she negative?

If the interaction between the two of you leaves you feeling drained and less optimistic about life, it might be time to step away. Some people are very charming, but also, at the same time, very demanding and intense.

They skillfully drain your mental resources, and the only thing you seem to get out of the relationship is a cheap wine hangover.

Take a break from the friendship

The first thing you might want to try is to take a break from your friend.

Since jealousy is not as common in friendships as in romantic relationships, the friendship break is an effective strategy.

After all, no one expects friends to be exclusive.

You don’t have to tell her

The break can be done either by telling her you are taking a break from the friendship, or by just withdrawing from the friendship for the time being. This time frame can be weeks or months, whatever you feel comfortable with.

You need to focus on yourself

If her reaction would be too negative if you tell her that you want a break from her, just tell her that you need to focus on work, school, or exercise. Don’t feel bad for lying in this situation. You do need some time to focus on yourself.

Re-connect with yourself

A break is always good because a break gives us time to center ourselves and connect with our needs.

When you take a break from the friendship, you will hopefully gain some important perspective on what’s going on.

You might realize that you are better off without your close friendship. Or you might realize that the friendship might work on a more sporadic level.

Let the friendship fade out

This is the way most friendship ends and a strategy you can implement if you want to end a close friendship.

Make a conscious decision to let the friendship slowly recede. Call her less often, and don’t spend as much time together. Don’t always be available; take care of your own needs.

Your close friend might feel something similar and respond by being colder as well. In that case, the slow fade-out is an excellent strategy.

The fade-out is not the bravest strategy around

If the two of you are really close friends and have been spending a lot of time together, you can start with this strategy. But be prepared to have to talk with her.

The fade-out is common, but it is also a bit of a cowardly move. Let’s be honest; it’s borderline cruel. If the fade-out doesn’t feel right, you have to have an honest conversation with your friend.

Be aware of ghosting

It can be more polite to actually break up with your friend. It’s awful when someone who always wanted to meet up never seems to have time anymore and becomes increasingly slower at responding to phone calls and texts. You might not want to ghost your former close friend.

If the fade-out doesn’t seem to be mutual. That is, if your friend keeps reaching out, wanting to meet, or maybe even flat-out asking about your behavior, you need to have a conversation.

Tell her how you feel

Much like in a romantic relationship, you owe your friend an explanation.

You can even check out our article “How to break up with your boyfriend.”

The tips and tricks in that article work for ending friendships as well as for ending romantic relationships.

Have the Conversation

If the fade-out doesn’t feel morally right or isn’t working for one reason or another, you have to have a conversation with your close friend.

The trick to having a successful talk is to come well-prepared.

Or write her an email

If you feel your friendship ticks a lot of the boxes for a toxic friendship, a conversation might not give you a good result.

If this is the case, you can write an email. There are no rules on ending a close friendship.

Don’t feel obliged to have a conversation with your friend. If you will have an easier time getting your point across in an email, this is an acceptable way to end a close friendship.

She is not responsible for your feelings

When you have the conversation, explain how you feel without attacking her personality.

She is not responsible for your feelings.

You are responsible for creating a good environment for yourself, and your feelings are your guidance in this process. Tell her something along the line, “I can’t be the friend you want me to be.”

Talking will give you closure

Having the conversation is also an opportunity for you to get closure.

You will be able to speak to your friend and tell her why the friendship is not working for you.

She will know where you stand

Even if the conversation itself doesn’t go well, it will still be a concrete point in time when the two of you re-negotiated your relationship.

This clarity is good for you. If you are completely over the friendship, you can view this conversation as a funeral for your friendship.

Have a ritual for the end of the friendship

After the conversation, take some time for yourself, go on a beautiful walk and say goodbye to all the good times you shared with your close friend. Honor the friendship that was and try to let go of resentment.

Honour the friendship that was

Listen to some songs connected to the friendship, and light a candle.

There is a reason humans have rituals.

Friendships are so important to us, yet we don’t have any rituals connected to letting go of a friend. Create a ritual for ending your close friendship.

Moving on from a close friendship

Moving on from a close friendship can be even more painful than moving on from a romantic relationship.

Just like after a breakup, you will have good days and bad days. Give yourself time to grieve.

Allow yourself to grieve

Deep human connection is a rare treasure in most people’s lives. The people who make us laugh, inspire us, and make us feel seen are incredibly valuable in our lives.

To have to break up with such a person will make you feel sad for months (or years) to come.

You will miss her

Be prepared that everyone will seem pale and boring compared to your former close friend.

When we have lost someone, our memory often does the trick of painting them in a more favorable light.

You will feel sad

You will probably get over your bitterness, and your memories will thus focus mainly on the good times.

That you were the one who chose to end things will not make the sadness less real. Accept that moving on will take some time, and allow yourself to miss your close friend.

Be polite when you do see her

Another important thing when you end a close friendship is not to make your mutual friends pick sides.

Try to be impartial when you explain the friendship break up and don’t talk down on your former close friend.

Furthermore, if the two of you have to see each other at social functions, be polite and curtsy without giving her hope for a future.

You made the right decision

Those kinds of situations can be hard to handle when you end a friendship, but just know you made the right decision and that your mental health is your top priority.

A Final Note on Ending a close friendship

Many close friendships are like an intense fire.

They start with love and understanding and a lot of fun.

They spark and give us warmth and brighten up our whole existence.

We feel connected and understood. We feel loved, and we feel love for our close friends.

She was not the one

Only later do we realize that our close friend comes with her own shortcomings, baggage, and negative energy.

In some close friendships, the negative sides become too much. We become co-dependent, and at one point, the friendship has turned into a beast that sucks our energy and leaves us feeling sad and frustrated. It’s time to walk away. Ending a close friendship is the only way forward.

Celebrate all the good memories you have of your friend. When you have done this, it’s time to move your focus to the future.