Dating for Introverts

How to become better at the dreaded “put yourself out there”-game

If you are a fellow introvert, you probably agree that you would rather spend your weekend doing things you enjoy, or hanging out with a few well-chosen friends rather than dating.

But dating doesn’t have to be a nightmare. Dating apps don’t have to be a living-dead cemetery full of Patrick Bateman types. If you follow my tips on dating for introverts, you might even discover that you like dating. Or let’s be realistic, that you can learn to tolerate dating.

Dating for Introverts – The crash course

Be honest and tell your date how you feel. Don’t try to perform.

Be passionate, open up and talk about the things that truly matter to you.

Prepare interesting topics to talk about and charm your date by putting the spotlight on them.

If you have had enough of first dates, ditch the dating apps, and do activities that don’t necessarily include talking; such as hiking, your favorite sport, or listening to a lecture.

Take plenty of alone time to recharge your batteries.

1. Don’t hate on dating

The first thing you have to do is to stop hating on dating and dating apps. Nothing good can come from your justified skepticism.

Instead, change your mind frame because dating and dating apps are underrated. Let me explain why.

Thanks to dating apps, you have the possibility to practice interacting with other people. You can fail many times.

Try and try again

You can meet a lot of different people and you can do a lot of different activities with those people. During those dates, you can try different strategies to make the best of your personality and your situation. Dating for introverts has never been easier.

Dating is a necessary evil

It sucks to give your valuable time to someone who is an idiot, but that’s just part of reality. We have to do things that are uncomfortable, sometimes even painful, to gain a greater good.

In this case, you might win a potential boyfriend or life partner. If you feel like dating sucks, keep your eyes on the price.

As introverts, we appreciate true connection

Don’t forget what a great treat it is to meet someone truly special. Deep connections are something we, as introverts, love. It’s rare and because of this, it’s worth searching for.

2. Don’t push yourself too much

Hold your horses; no need to be too goal-oriented. When starting on this mission, set a number you feel comfortable achieving.

For example, one date a month, and stick to that plan. If every date is a cringe-worthy disaster, at least you can be proud of the fact that you set a goal for yourself and managed to achieve that goal.

Dating is a bit of a chore

If dating feels like a chore, just accept that it is, in fact, a chore.

Something you redundantly do to get a possible good result. You can also view every date as a training opportunity to be better at connecting with random people.

Be Honest to become better at dating as an introvert

If you are terrified about holding a lecture, you probably shouldn’t tell the whole audience how you feel. But one time, I did exactly that.

I told my audience that I was nervous. “You guys scare the shit out of me. I don’t even know why I agreed to this.”

And for some miraculous reason, it worked.

I relaxed; they knew my secret.

I had been honest about my feelings. I wasn’t ashamed of the nerves; I didn’t try to pretend to be an extrovert, confident person who loves to give speeches in front of big groups of people.

Tell your date how you feel; he might relate

Tell your date you are an introvert, or nervous, or both.

Tell him that you are not good at small talk. Admitting our shortcomings is a good thing. The right person will feel empathic towards you and maybe even recognize himself in you.

Most people will be kind and understanding.

Everyone can relate to being nervous. Being honest about your feelings is also a good test of what kind of person your date is. You might find out something about him he wouldn’t otherwise have shared.

Tell them about your true self

If you do an online profile, be equally honest. This way, potential dates are prepared. You don’t have to write that you are an introvert. Instead, write about the things you enjoy and why you enjoy them.

3. Don’t try to perform

When it comes to dating, it’s easy to get stuck in the mind frame where you are trying to perform. Instead, take advantage of all the good qualities of being an introvert.

You are a great listener and good at creating a true connection. (At least if you meet someone worth connecting with.)

On top of this, you are curious about most things and especially about your interests. Don’t be afraid to share your passions with your date.

It’s cool to be introverted

Wear your badge of being an introvert with honor.

If you want to improve your flirting game, I recommend How to flirt with a man. I know flirting can be particularly difficult if you are introverted, but if you read our article, you will understand both yourself and flirting a bit better.

4. Introverts and internet dating

Turns out many introverts like internet dating.

The internet is a good place to find fellow introverts or just people who genuinely share your interests. To achieve this, have a very targeted profile. The right person will be impressed with all the obscure things you do like.

I always recommend pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. We become more emphatic when we do things we are uncomfortable with, and that’s never a bad thing.

Follow your passion

Whatever you feel passionate about, try to incorporate that into your dates. This way, it will feel less like dating and more like having fun. If the date doesn’t appreciate the activity, they are probably not the right person.

You can do things where you don’t need to talk, like going to a movie, a comedy show, or a lecture.

If you choose to go for a coffee or a drink afterward, you have a designated subject to talk about.

5. Prepare topics to talk about

There is nothing wrong with being well-prepared.

Chose a couple of questions you want to find out about your date.

Don’t feel bad about being prepared

If the date is genuine and cool, they will appreciate your effort. Most people like to talk about themselves, and most people like to answer deep questions.

Being focused and skipping the small talk is probably your strong side if you are introverted. Take advantage of this.

Dig deep into your date, it will be fun

Don’t do the small talks. Ask the big questions. For example, ask them what they lacked the most in their childhood.

If the thought of dating feels draining, remember that you can keep the date very short. A coffee meetup is often enough to assess how much in common and how much chemistry you have with a potential date.

Get away from the date if you have had enough

Always prepare an excuse to get out of the date. Introverts hate to waste their time on the wrong person. Staying too long out of obligation is what is truly mentally draining.

Just say you are meeting a friend. If you are bad at lying, you can schedule a meeting with a friend for real.

Dating ideas for introverts

When deciding where to have the date, choose a place you already know. That way, you don’t have to focus your energy on all the unknown facts.

A walk is a great date idea for someone introverted. Sometimes walking side by side makes it easier to open up.

You can also find new conversation topics by observing your surroundings and making observations. A park or a beautiful path is a perfect low-key first date.

If you want more dating tips, check out our articles First date advice for women and First date conversation tips.

6. Ditch the dating apps

If you are serious about finding someone, dating apps are a good idea.

Most people increase the number of available single people they meet when on dating apps. But dating app is only one way to be serious about dating. If you absolutely detest them, you don’t have to go there.

When considering dating for introverts you don’t need dating apps.

Meet someone at random

There are other ways you can be serious about dating. For example, you can practice instigating a short conversation with a stranger once a month or once a week.

You can become more open to the people you interact with on a regular basis. Most people who meet someone and don’t meet on a dating app, meet their partner through common friends.

Find your tribe

Become better at spotting fellow introverts as you move around in the world. Try striking up a conversation with them if you are feeling brave. But otherwise, just observe them and know that you are not alone.

Extroverts might be the loudest, but introverts are everywhere.

Learn something new

You can also sign up for some form of activity where talking is not mandatory. Doing an activity gives you plenty of space to focus on what you are actually doing; no need to be extroverted. And if you choose to hang out with the group after the activity, you have a common interest to connect over.

If you have been on dating apps for a while, you are justified to take a break.

7. Take plenty of alone time

Had a hard week at work? Don’t feel bad for spending the whole weekend hanging out with yourself. The relationship you have with yourself is a beautiful thing.

Being able to be alone and content is one of the biggest upsides of being an introvert. Take full advantage of this without feeling guilty. All your passion projects are what make your life rich and stimulating; they deserve your full attention.

A Final Note

Do you know what my definition of fun is? When you have been on a date and now it’s over.

You are back home. Pour yourself a cup of your favorite tea or a glass of wine. You did it. It was not even that bad.

Lean back, open a book and enjoy the sense of accomplishment.

That’s dating for introverts as well.

Now you are justified in spending another month pursuing your passions and enjoying your own company. You even went on a date. Imagine. You deserve hours of alone time as a sweet reward.