Will I be Single Forever?

We take a close look at this ever-present question

Do you want to be single forever?

Probably not. Since you are googling, “Will I be single forever?” The question implies a certain fear. It just doesn’t sound like you are googling the outcome you are hoping for.

On the other hand, it is also OK to be single forever. On a philosophical level, there is no right life.

You can be happy and single forever

Quite the opposite, your contribution to humankind can be greater if you are single. You will not spend the majority of your love on one single spouse.

Instead, you can spend that love on friends and family and passions.

Make the world a better place

You could dedicate a certain amount of time to making the world a better place. That’s also a form of love.

If you want to find out more about not buying into the ideal of romantic love and finding the one, I recommend our article Accepting you will never find love. Because letting go of the expectations from society can be liberating.

But let’s leave that argument aside for now, and do a deep dive into the simple question, “Why are you single?”

Why are you still single?

You can debate this question with your friends all night long. But I’m going to make it simple for you and give you the answer once and for all. There are only really two answers here, two alternatives to the question of why you are still single.

1. You are perfectly normal, and you just haven’t found the right person yet.
2. Something with the way you interact with the world is keeping you single.

That’s it. It’s either you or just unfortunate circumstances. Most often, it’s a combination.

Unlucky circumstances

You are not perfect, but you have also been unlucky enough not yet to have found that special person that will unlock your heart exactly the right way. Basically, it is you and it is the world, and both those instances are keeping you single.

You are pickier

I know one thing about you. You haven’t settled.

The fact that you are single, but you don’t want to be single, tells me that you have high standards. That’s a good thing.

Many people are in a relationship that’s far from their dream relationship. They are afraid of being alone. They made a choice, just like you made a choice.

But I think you are going to agree. The wrong relationship is much more mentally draining than being single. Let’s find a moment of comfort in that simple truth.

Emotionally unavailable?

I know that it’s hard to tell if you are emotionally unavailable or if you are really good at spotting and rejecting people who wouldn’t be good for you long term. I recommend reading about attachment theories to better understand yourself and your behavior.

Let’s dig a little deeper into the two different scenarios of why you are still single?

When you being single is not about you

You are not the only one being single

One big thing I discovered while researching this article was that there are many women out there who are smart, funny and basically have everything else going for them, in terms of friends and career, who are still single.

It’s perfectly normal to be single; It’s not you. Check out this article about a woman who finally found a partner, to accept this point once and for all.

In my circle of friends, I (like most of us) have both coupled friends and friends who are habitually single. And there is no difference in their self-esteem or charm. My single friends are great. The ones who have a partner are equally great.

You can, (potentially) speed up the process if you would like to.

Meet more people

If there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, dating is indeed a numbers game.

If you meet more people, you do increase your chances of meeting the right person. It’s not rocket science.

Get out in the world, say yes to random invitations, and try new things. Maybe your special person will happen to be there. If you never leave your home, you will never know if he was out there or not.

When you do have the ambition of meeting more people in your everyday life, I want you to remember that it doesn’t have to be men.

I don’t mean more men; I mean more people

It just has to be people. Set the goal, not to meet someone, but to connect deeper with other people on a weekly basis.

Ask yourself what makes you connect with other people and in what kind of situations you connect with other people.

Stay connected

Being single is an opportunity to be open to the world and all the different quirky people who inhabit it. Since you don’t have a relationship, you have more time and love to spare.

Use the surplus to be present in other people’s life.

Spend time with yourself

If you, on the other hand, are one of those people who often are out and about, I recommend doing the opposite.

Take time to connect with yourself. Do things for yourself, things that make you happy; such as spending time in nature or something creative. Or just stay in and read and listen to podcasts.

The love affair you have with yourself is the greatest one you will ever have. Regardless of whether you stay single forever or not.

When you being single is about you

Let’s be honest; you can be the problem. You can be pushing people away.

The universe could supply you with one great man after another and you still wouldn’t notice them. Or you wouldn’t fall in love with them. Or if you did, you would fuck it up one way or another.

Give Therapy a try

If you find yourself in a situation you don’t want to be in, it’s easy to let negative thoughts take over. You spend an unreasonable amount of time wondering, “Will I be single forever?”

When this kind of anxiety has got a grip on you, it’s hard to overcome this on your own.

The more frustrated and sadder you feel, the more likely that you will benefit from therapy.

Regard therapy as a mental cleanse. You want your mind and your thoughts to be a healthy and restful place.

You don’t have to go on dates if you don’t want to

What you do have to do is to find what’s holding you back

If you want the answer to “will I be single forever” to be no, you need to take a look at your own behavior.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Your relationship status is not a telling sign of if you are a nice person. Plenty of idiots are in relationships and plenty of great people stay single for years, or decades.

But it does all begin with you.

Should you work on yourself?

Plenty of people like the cliché that you have to love yourself to be able to be loved by someone else. I think we all know this is not true.

Plenty of people with low self-esteem are in relationships. So working on your self-esteem will not automatically give you a relationship.

Fear is keeping you alone

But when you do get into a relationship, the more work you have done on yourself, the better the relationship will be. And if you work on yourself, you also increase your possibility of choosing someone you can be happy with.

It’s a win-win.

Many times, it’s fear that is keeping us single. Fear of getting stuck in a bad relationship. Fear of picking the wrong partner. Fear of yet again trusting someone who shouldn’t be trusted.

Letting go of bitterness

This fear might very well be what’s holding you back. This hurdle is exactly something therapy is effective on.

My personal story

I’m still single, so this question is something I can relate to. And just like you, in my darkest moments, I am certain that I will be single forever.

Love is a mysterious thing. We make a choice, and we don’t make a choice.

I have been single for six years. During this time, I didn’t fall in love. Occasionally I went on dates. Occasionally I slept with someone. But my heart wasn’t in it.

I was waiting for the right person. And it was so fucking frustrating. I cannot begin to tell you. I was waiting to have feelings, reading all those articles about how to make a man fall in love with you.

Being able to be in love

But the information was useless because I didn’t have any feelings. During this time period, I actually longed to be unhappily in love. I knew that I was the problem. Falling in love is a crucial part of forming a relationship.

This year has been different. I have managed to have feelings. Is it me? Is it the world? I cannot tell. But since I once again have managed to find the ability to fall in love, I feel better about my chances of not being single forever.

How to fall in love

I think we all have to find out where in the process we fail. If you have a problem falling in love, I recommend our article How to fall in love.

If you have a tendency to fall for people who don’t reciprocate your feeling, it’s still you who make a choice, albeit on a subconscious level. Just like I found a way to be able to fall in love, you have to find a way to make better choices.

Check out this article for a start How do you know if you are dating the right person?

Time for a pep talk

There are people meeting and falling in love at all stages of life.

Your past is in no way a prediction of your future.

While researching this article, I especially liked the discussion here. There were many inspirational stories from people who had been single for a long time and one day just found the right person for them.

The key is to fall in love

If you have the ability to fall in love, I’m optimistic about your ability not to stay single forever. It’s only a matter of time until you fall in love with someone who falls in love with you.

Slow down if you want to meet someone

If you don’t have the ability to fall in love, or to be attracted to other humans, you have my utmost sympathy. I have myself been in that wasteland. I know the frustration.

For me, it helped to slow down. If you are always focusing on the next goal, you might not see all the possibilities to fall in love. Decide to be less goal-oriented (even when it comes to dating) and more mindful. Maybe you can, like me, find the ability to fall in love again.

I have no idea how old you are. But I know that statistically, you still have 30, 40 or even 50 years left of your life. That is a lot of life.

Be present

Some days in our life are so rich. Those days are a lifetime on their own. Try and make every day as fulfilling and rich as possible. Every day could be a fun adventure if you regard it as such.

You can reach much deeper levels of unhappiness in a relationship than on your own. When you are single, it’s easy to start making a relationship synonymous with happiness and bliss.

A Final note

There is not going to be a final answer to the question, “Will I be single forever.”

The odds are in your favor, but there is also the possibility that you will spend a lot of time on your own before that happens.

There I just you and your life. There are just your personal frustrations and the improvements you can make along the way.

Life is a journey, some things are out of your control and some things you can control. You don’t even know exactly which things are the former or the latter.

You will never know if it was something you did or if it was just your turn, not even when you finally find the love of your life.