Everything You Should Know When Dating A Man With Kids

10 top tips on how to handle your new role

You have met a man. Only one thing you didn’t see coming; he has kids. Now it is up to you to decide if this is a relationship worth pursuing. Are you ready to be dating a man with kids? If you answer yes, you probably want to know a bit about what to expect. You might also need a couple of tips on how to handle the situation. I’ve got you covered. Let’s dig in.

Accept the challenge

Some people will tell you to run for the hills, and they do have a point. Dating a man with kids comes with its unique challenges. You will learn a lot about yourself and your triggers and your shortcomings.

Children make us see ourselves, and the image they reflect back is not always a flattering one.

You will have the best possible experience if you take this challenge as a learning experience and let those kids teach you things about yourself.

1. Reflect on your needs

Dating a man with kids is difficult. In many ways, the kids will always be his top priority.

He will already have routines and traditions and because of the kids, these things are not easy to change. In many ways, you will be the one who has to adjust. Because of this mechanism, it is extra important that you feel heard and seen in the relationship.

Ask yourself what you would need

Thus, it is important that you take a step back and consider what you are getting yourself into. For you to thrive in the relationship there needs to be space for you and your needs.

The problem is that most of us are not clear about what our needs are. The clearer you are about your needs, the easier time you will have communicating those needs to your boyfriend.

Make a plan

Together the two of you can come up with strategies to make you feel comfortable in the relationship. But it all starts with you and you knowing yourself.

When you feel like throwing out “You never have time for me.” Ask yourself exactly what it is you need. More words of affirmation? More quality time?

Dating a man with kids will, if done right, teach you how to clearly express your needs and how to find solutions to make space for you.

2. Don’t let the kids become an excuse for overstepping your boundaries

It’s easy to blame everything on the kids. He might fail to call you or cancel a date night last minute.

Both of you might use his family to explain all his shortcomings and all the things lacking in the relationship.

But if he doesn’t have time for common courtesy, he shouldn’t date at all.

Make sure your needs are met

If there is something you need and want and imagined yourself having, make sure you get that thing from the relationship. For example; living together, or having kids of your own.

Don’t compromise on your needs because of him having children. Check out our article What should I look for when dating a divorced man, for important questions to consider. Forfeiting your needs will lead to resentment and bitterness.

3. Love those kids for who they are

In the two points above, we have, I admit, viewed the children as obstacles.

This is of course not true. Children are always a blessing. They are our teachers, as well as people with their own right to exist and be treated fairly.

Kids will test the depth of your love for your new partner, this is especially true for stepkids. Many times, you will wish that his kids were different, easier, and more reasonable.

When you feel like this it’s important that you act like a grown-up.

You don’t have to love his kids. (This is another very important point.)

Treat his kids with respect and they will respect you

But you do have to treat them with the utmost respect, which is in itself a form of love. The more secure you can be with the relationship with his kids, the better things will flow. This means accepting his kids for who they are and seeing them for the small unique humans that they are.

Since you are an adult you should always try to act like an adult. Don’t take your frustration out on them. They certainly didn’t choose to be in this situation.

4. Let his children decide the phase of your relationship with them

Your boyfriend will most likely decide when it is time for you to meet his kids. There is no correct time frame for when this should happen. Every couple has to decide what feels right for them.

Be patient

When you become a permanent person in their life, take things slow. Don’t expect miracles. Wait for them to come to you. Allow them to build a relationship with you.

Give them plenty of time and space to adjust to the new situation.

Children are smart people; they are good at figuring out what’s really going on. If you allow them to decide the phase of your relationship, they will respect you.

If you want a closer relationship with his kids, read my article How to get someone to open up emotionally, the same principles can be applied to kids.

Allow for alone time with their dad

No child wants to feel like you come in and take over their dad.

To prevent this from happening, leave plenty of space for your boyfriend to hang out with his children without you. He is their dad, and they need him.

You might feel that you need his attention, but for a smooth integration of you into their lives, they need to have alone time with him.

5. He will have an ex

The kids have a mom, and she will always be a big part of their lives.

She and her role in your life is something you will have to deal with. The sooner you can accept this, the better. Every baby-mum will be a bit different.

Some of them will be great and easy to get along with. It doesn’t have to be a complicated relationship. But more often than not, it is. Even if you are cool with her, she might not be cool with you.

Take the lead from your partner

The best advice I can give without knowing anything about your exact situation is to let your partner deal with most issues concerning their joint custody.

Don’t interfere too much, instead focus on yourself and on your feelings. What you feel about the situation and how you handle those feelings will be important.

Deal with your jealousy

It can be painful to enter into someone else’s family. You might feel pangs of irrational jealousy towards his ex. This is expected, she will always be those children’s mum. You can never compete with that position.

Ask for his support

There is a deep pain for most stepparents. Acknowledge your own pain. Don’t always try to act as if everything is fine. In this kind of situation, it’s Ok to ask your partner for support and affirmation. Have him tell you what you mean to him and why you are important in his life. Sometimes we need to hear that kind of validation from our partner. When you are dating a man with kids it’s important that he is good at appreciating you and everything you do. If he is not, it simply will not work.

6. Let him raise his kids

Children don’t take it well when other adults try to discipline them.

You might remember this from your own childhood. I absolutely hated when someone else than my parents (or teachers), told me what to do. Other adults simply don’t have that authority in the mind of the child.

You have to earn a child’s respect before you can start raising them. In some cases this process takes years.

Give him space when it comes to decisions surrounding the kids

Leave most of the decisions concerning his kids to your partner. Especially if those decisions don’t actively involve you.

You might not have chosen to raise your children that way, but, especially in the beginning, they are his children.

The more respectful you can be about their boundaries, the better your relationship will develop. Check out our article about Manipulative behavior, and make sure you don’t use any of those tactics to get your needs meet.

7. Go easy on the public display of affection

Children in general don’t like to see too many sexual things going on between adults.

Think back to when you were a child yourself, you didn’t want to think about your parent that way. The same goes for your new stepchildren. They don’t want a front-row seat to your romance. Even small displays of PDA, like handholding, have the possibility to irk kids.

Kindness goes a long way

Be kind and considerate towards his kids. Trust me, this is by far the smoothest road.

Do tell your partner that you need a lot of extra love behind closed doors. The kids are not always around. Take full advantage of the time when you don’t have the kids.

8. Focus on the positive things

After reading all this, you might be prepared to jump ship.

Getting back out in the dating jungle all of a sudden seems easier than dealing with someone else’s kids.

So, this is the time to remind ourselves that kids are also incredibly great. They are smart, funny, and bring lots of love into our lives.

The truth is that if you always view the kids as a problem, the relationship will not work out.

It is ok to be frustrated and sad from time to time, but don’t dwell too long on the obstacles. Instead, focus your thoughts on all the things you love with your partner and all the things you love about his children. Be grateful for the fact that he is a great dad.

Your new partner will have a more stable life

Kids also bring a lot of stability to life. Your partner will most likely be a grown-up. He will know how to take responsibility for things.

You might not get spontaneous romantic trips, but you will get loyalty and sweet routines. Enjoy the idyllic family life and kiss your single day’s goodbye.

9. Don’t put expectations on your feelings

I have mentioned before that you might not come to love his children. This is a pretty common occurrence and nothing to be ashamed of.

When dating a man with kids it’s important to know that feelings are unpredictable in these kinds of situations. There is no right way to feel.

To love or not to love

I’ve heard stepparents who become surprised by how much they love those children. This brings me to another point if the relationship fails, many people end up missing the kids more than they miss their former partner.

I’ve also heard the polar opposite, stepparents who expected love to happen, but never managed to develop those feelings.

When you feel frustrated, remember love is not only something you feel but an activity you do by treating the kids in a loving way.

Don’t put expectations on the children’s feelings

This exact mechanism also applies to the children’s feelings. Some kids end up loving their stepparents a lot. This relationship can develop into a fulfilling lifelong relationship.

Other children simply never grow to love their stepparents. Be ok with this potential outcome. Don’t put any kind of pressure on the children to love you. Children are not as in control of their emotions as adults are.

A Final Note

As a relationship-advice writer, I’ve seen a lot of people giving up too much of themselves to try and make their relationship work. This can feel even more justified to do when the man you are dating has kids.

You are free, he is not, so you make changes to your life.

But because he has a lot of things going on, it’s not Ok that your needs are not satisfied.

You cannot take his situation and use it to diminish what you would want a relationship to be.

A nice considerate man will understand this. He will do his utmost to include you and make you feel loved and valued.

To be able to sustain a flourishing relationship when dating a man with kids it all comes down to communication. You both have to be able to communicate about what’s going on. You also both have to be able to give the other person what they desire.