confessions of an emotionally unavailable man

What you need to know and how I feel

I have dated enough beautiful amazing women to know I have a problem. I’m an emotionally unavailable man.

My looks would deceive you

You wouldn’t know just by looking at me. I look just like every other guy: A well-cropped beard, cool sneakers, and an endearing smile. You wouldn’t know if you started dating me.

I’m a good guy, I promise

In the beginning, you would think that I’m charming, intelligent, and very attentive. I’m not an idiot.

I’m not an evil guy, even though some of my exes would tell you exactly that. I am just an emotionally unavailable man, and this is my confession.

Falling out of love

I do fall in love. I just also have the tendency to fall out of love very quickly.

It’s not even a decision. It happens the same way rain comes after sunshine. It might not happen right away, but just like the weather, my feelings always shift.

When this occurs, I even forget how it felt to be in love with the woman I was just in love with.

Feelings change, sometimes against your will

Have you ever fallen out of love? One day your partner or the person you are dating is pure sunshine. You can spend hours looking at them, talking to them, sitting next to them.

The next day they mean nothing to you. They are not cute anymore; their jokes are not funny, and you start thinking about moving on.

Love is a bitch.

It’s unfair, harsh, almost evil. 

And yes, before you ask the next question. I have tried therapy.

The reason behind why I am an emotionally unavailable man

I don’t want to drag you through a “feel sorry for me” kind of bullshit story.

All my shortcomings are my own. I own them. I have spent a lot of money on therapy. I do meditate and have even gone on a couple of yoga retreats. I am a work in progress, and my goal is to one day not be such an asshole as to fall out of love.

A bit of understanding of my situation

But you are here because you want to lift the curtain and look into the depths of my soul. You want to understand. You are probably dating a guy just like me.

You have fallen in love with an emotionally unavailable man

And now you need a confession from an emotionally unavailable man to better understand this human you have in front of you.

If you want to become better at spotting emotionally unavailable men, read our article 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man, in the article, you will also get a lot of strategies for dealing with the problem.

I didn’t have a peaceful upbringing

So let me tell you my story. My parents fought a lot when I grew up. They would scream at each other, throw things, and one night my siblings and I had to call the police.

Since you are probably curious, both my siblings are married with kids.

In the marriage of my two siblings, I see enough of my parents’ problems so as not to be tempted to go down the same route. They are married, but it’s a daily struggle.

Closeness scares me

If pressed, I would say that I’m happier, and more at peace than both of them. To be dependent on another person has always scared me. I don’t trust another person to take care of my feelings.

I’m alone, but rarely lonely

One of my exes told me that I would die alone. She was probably right. Another one asked me if I didn’t want any children. I do.

But as of today, I am single, childless, and living in a one-room apartment.

Despite this, I have a dream about a house in the countryside, three children, and a river where I can teach them how to swim and fish. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture the oak tree, the veranda, and the sound of kids laughing.

Being alone is my safe place

But to be honest with you, most of the time, I’m happy with my life. I have a close relationship with my family. I spend a lot of time with my friends. I go on spontaneous trips.

Needless to say, I stay fit, my career is going great, and when I’m alone in my apartment late at night, I put on some jazz and pick up a book. I particularly like the work of Thomas Mann.

There is a certain freedom when you have no one to answer to.

I will tell you the truth

I know I have issues, and I don’t want to trick someone into thinking otherwise. I have always told the woman I have been dating how I feel. Examples of this are; I’m not looking for a relationship right now, don’t fall in love with me, I’m not good at relationships. It’s not you, it’s me.

The woman I have been dating has always known I’m not going to be an easy nut to crack. I might be emotionally unavailable, but I know how to be honest.

So as part of my confessions, I want you to listen to your emotionally unavailable man. Pay close attention to what he says, and he will tell you the truth. You might not want to hear it.

I’m a bit of a perfectionist

I’m also very critical of myself. I push myself hard at the gym and at work. Some people would even say I’m a bit of a perfectionist.

But I like my life. My life is both peaceful (no yelling in my apartment) and challenging. I myself obey high standards, so when I’m emotionally unavailable, I’m thinking that the woman I finally end up with must be an extraordinary person.

My standards are high

I want someone truly special to be my partner because, in all areas of my life, only the best is good enough.

I’m trying to be more relaxed, obviously. Since I’m over 40, my chance at a family is slowly diminishing.

My current therapist has already pointed out that my standards are too high for everything. I’m aware of the problem.

But you were good enough

And since you are asking, no, it’s not about your physical beauty.

It’s not true that I would have chosen you if only you had been more beautiful. Don’t beat yourself up. You are good enough exactly as you are, and when I fell out of love, I was almost as upset as you were.

I do know how to express my feelings

It’s a myth that emotionally unavailable men don’t have feelings or don’t know how to connect with those feelings. Let me tell you one time for all; I have the same amount of feelings as everyone else.

I have plenty of happy feelings when I think about everything I have accomplished in my life. I feel proud of where I am now, friends I adore, a job that is both fun and challenging, the quiet wonder of my own apartment.

I care about my siblings

I feel sad when I think about different scary parts of my childhood. I feel frustrated after spending too much time with my sibling and their families. All of them repeating patterns from way back. All of us are incapable of breaking free.

As you can see, I have lots of feelings.

I love in my own peculiar way

It’s also a myth that I don’t have feelings for the woman I have been dating.

Some of them I have even loved. But at the same time, every single time I have been dating someone, I have seen something that has made me doubt the future of the relationship.

I have seen things in her that I don’t like. The dating phase has allowed me to spot things that I don’t want in my life. As a result of my observations, my love seems to evaporate.

I do miss you when you walk away

The thing about feelings is that you cannot control them. My feeling of becoming less and less interested in the woman I’m dating is something that just happens to me. And trust me, I do feel it.

I even miss women who have walked away from me. I miss the relationships we could have had.

(For more information about this mechanism, read our article When he pulls away do nothing, it’s a powerful insight.)

We are responsible for our feelings

The feelings I have and the feelings I don’t have seem beyond my control: But I’m still responsible for them.

To all of you out there who are right now dating an emotionally unavailable man, I want to say I’m sorry on their behalf. Sorry for the different ways he tries to distance himself from you. Sorry for all those declarations of love he is not telling you, sorry for all the text messages he is not sending you.

I have been him.

I wanted to get away from her

Part of me liked the woman I was dating, part of me wanted to get away from her, and often the latter part won the battle. That’s why I never called or texted, or reached out. I wanted to escape from her and a future I didn’t want.

How to change me

When you are settling down to read an article titled “Confessions of an emotionally unavailable man,” I’m sure you want to know how to change me. So let me present my list.

I would like someone who never is passive-aggressive, who never accuses me of being emotionally unavailable. Someone who knew that there was very little I could do for them.

Keep your cool

The cooler you are, the more likely it is that I will feel happy and relaxed in your presence. The women who have had the most success are the women who try to change me the least. Possibly they are as emotionally unavailable as me.

You can’t make me do something or be something. You can love me for who I am. But when I no longer satisfy your need for love, you should walk away.

(Here is our article about How to get a man to be vulnerable, these tips will help you get closer to the man in question.)

I have always preferred logic

I do think people, in general, are too emotional.

I rationalize a lot. And by this, I mean that I am an analytical person. But most women have tried to win me over by appealing to feelings. Feelings come and pass.

You could try and win me over by appealing to logic. Tell me what you need from me, be very concrete. I might understand.

To whine and complain won’t win me over.

Ask for your needs to be met

To talk to me in a rational way will make me try to satisfy your need.

To be able to make you happy, I need to know more about the exact steps to make you happy. Dinner once a week? I can do that. Signing up for a salsa course together? I can do that. If you make your demands concrete enough, I will respond positively.

If my actions don’t line up with my words, do yourself a favor and dump me.

(We also have an excellent post about How to Connect with an Emotionally Unavailable Man, for additional ideas.)

I’m the one who is alone

When you feel sad and frustrated over an emotionally unavailable man, remember this, the most important part of my confessions; I wanted you and me to work out: I was rooting for us. I liked us.

And then my emotionally unavailable side kicked in and started to point out all the flaws with you. I didn’t feel like seeing you anymore. I didn’t want to spend as much time with you as you wanted with me.

You started to accuse me, to need me, to try and hunt me down and change me. As a result of this, I pushed you even further away. We broke up.

With a bit of luck, the next guy you fall for will be more available than I was, and you will end up in the togetherness. You will be a couple.

I am the one who will end up alone.