How to fix an unhealthy relationship

What you can do to make things better

At the beginning of a new relationship, everything often seems perfect. We see what we want to see and overlook possible red flags. The love hormone makes us high and happy. It’s only later on that you discover the problems with your relationship and your man. If things seem particularly bad, you start asking yourself, “How to fix an unhealthy relationship.”

How to proceed -The crash course

Start by examining what’s going on.

Try and break the bad habits the two of you have developed regarding each other.

Become better at communicating with your partner by using clean fighting.

Practice acceptance when it comes to your partner’s bad behaviors.

Be willing to walk away from the relationship.

Relationships develop as time goes by

The beginning of love is usually sweet and problem-free. Your new man is charming and considerate. Both of you are on your best behavior. Falling in love is similar to being high; you feel euphoric.

As the months or years keep piling up, the relationship moves away from the first blissful months to something more real. We feel like we get to know our partner on a deeper level.

The two of you disagree more often.

Things start to fall apart

Those disagreements might lead to one too many fights. What was once a blissful dream becomes a source of anguish and frustration. In many relationships, this downward spiral is hard to break.

You might start to think that your relationship is unhealthy and wonder if there even is a way to fix the problem or if you should walk away?

We all want happy relationships

In this article, I will give you different tips and strategies on how to fix an unhealthy relationship. Because everyone wants to be in a happy and supportive relationship, but most of us don’t know enough of the tools to get there.

There are no guarantees that the tips and strategies I will present will work, but if you love your man and the relationship also have a lot of good features, it’s worth a try.

Examining what’s going on to fix an unhealthy relationship

The best way to fix an unhealthy relationship is to take a critical look at what’s going on.

First of all, take some time and write down what you think the problem is. Write down which negative and destructive habits the two of you have developed.

Write down your thoughts

This exercise will give you a clearer picture of what’s happening and the problems you do have. Writing down things forces you to clearly formulate feelings of discontent that otherwise might be more of a cloud than well-formulated thoughts.

Don’t stay in a toxic relationship

Not all relationships can be fixed.

If you find yourself in a toxic situation, the best solution is to walk away.

We often use love to justify staying with a partner who isn’t even close to meeting our needs. But love should not be a reason for staying in a bad situation. No amount of love justifies an unhealthy relationship.

Check out our articles about manipulative behavior and ending toxic relationships to learn more about destructive habits.

Handle the problems like a pro

Having that said, all relationships have problems, and it’s the way you handle the different problems that determent if a relationship is healthy or unhealthy.

You can improve how you deal with problems and turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship. This is especially true if both you and your partner are working together towards this goal.

The power of habit

Often, we form habits, for example, snapping at our partner, criticizing him or her, or not showing proper respect.

When we have already formed this bad habit, the barrier to this behavior is much lower.

We keep doing it.

The behavior doesn’t mean as much anymore because we resort to it so often.

Toxic behavior sabotages the relationship

But if the behavior is indeed toxic, it will eat away at everything good about the relationship. Treating your partner with disrespect will take away from all the nice sweet things you do toward him. Bad behavior from his side will lead your feelings to decrease.

Change your destructive habits

If this sounds familiar, it’s important to realize that the way we interact with our partners is just a habit, and habits can be changed.

When you have analyzed your behavior and shortcomings, start by changing yourself. We can rarely change another person, but we can change ourselves and how we react to things.

By doing this, we can break a downward spiral of conflict. The first step to fix an unhealthy relationship is to stop your habits of bad behavior.

Don’t let your emotions rule you

Every time you catch yourself executing destructive behavior, stop yourself. Acknowledge that you are not a victim of your feelings. With your rational mind, you can overrule a bad decision based on feelings.

You can change.

Talk with your partner

The next step is to talk with your partner.

You will not be able to fix an unhealthy relationship on your own. The two of you have to work together. Ask your partner a couple of questions similar to these:

How do you feel about the situation?

How would you like the two of us to handle the different problems that come up?

What kind of destructive habit do you see playing out in our relationship?

Also, share your thoughts and feelings.

Most couples don’t communicate enough

As a relationship-writer, I often get people talking about the problems they have with their relationship and their partner.

In an overwhelming part of those situations, they haven’t brought up the problem with their partner.

Or they have tried, but not in a constructive way. They haven’t felt that they are being heard. But as everyone knows, good communication is the key to a happy relationship.

When you talk with your partner, it’s important that you use the techniques for clean fighting.

Practice Clean fighting to fix an unhealthy relationship

When it comes to fighting, there are two kinds of fighting, dirty fighting and clean fighting.

Dirty fighting leads to hurting your partner’s feelings and escalating the conflict. Check out an excellent article about dirty fighting here.

You might even do irreparable damage to the relationship. Bellow are two examples of dirty fighting.

Do you recognize yourself in any of these bad habits?

Using generalizations, saying things like; you always let me down. I can never trust you.

Another similar example is character slaughter; instead of looking at the issue at hand, you attack your partner as a person, calling him lazy or cheap or applying similar arguments that are about his character.

Bringing up the past is another dirty technique. Instead of focusing on the present, you bring up past actions of your partner, past conflicts and instances in the past when your partner has hurt your feelings.

Don’t use dirty tactics

Now that we know a bit about dirty fighting, it’s easy to realize that clean fighting is the opposite. Clean fighting means that both of you adhere to a couple of rules. In healthy relationships, we naturally follow those rules. In unhealthy relationships; not so much.

Keep it constructive

Here is how to do clean fighting. Make sure you share what you feel and your experience with your partner. Use I statement; make things about you, not about your partner. Discuss the problem. What behavior prompted that feeling whit in you? What would you want them to do differently next time?

Sounds relatively easy, right? Now go out and practice. Stay away from dirty fighting techniques and use the technique of clean fighting when it comes to friends and family as well as your partner.

Practice Acceptance to fix an unhealthy relationship

We can rarely change another person.

You have to take a close critical look at your partner’s behavior and decide if it is something you can live with.

There are only two options here; acceptance or moving on. Don’t stick around hoping he will change; most people don’t change.

If you think you can live with the behavior; try being more accepting and controlling your feelings by not letting negativity take over. Be better at looking at things from his point of view, be understanding and generous.

Try and be as kind and generous as at the beginning of the relationship

At the beginning of a relationship, we tend to see everything that’s great with our partner. As the relationship progress, the opposite becomes true. We forget about all the great things and start to see only the negative things. Are you stuck in this behavior?

Try to think about all those things you loved about him in the beginning. Are they still true?

You probably see a more nuanced picture now. Is this a picture you can live with?

What would you say to yourself if you were in the same situation one year from now? Three years from now? Would that be fine with you?

Show up as the best version of you

If you don’t feel like your partner shows up in the relationship as the best version of himself, it becomes increasingly hard for you to do that. But that’s just what you have to do.

Because you can control your behavior and reactions, but you can’t control what he does or doesn’t do.

Be Willing to Walk Away

When dealing with how to fix an unhealthy relationship, you have to be willing to walk away.

This is the most powerful tool of them all. To be willing to walk away shows both you and your partner that you have integrity and know what you want from your life and that you are not willing to accept less.

When you make peace with the thought of losing the relationship, your positions become much stronger. You reach a certain level of peace.

Be Ok with being alone

You don’t need the relationship; you will be OK if the two of you break up. When you reach this point, you will be able to express your needs and feelings better because you are no longer as afraid of losing him.

Give the relationship a time constraint

When you deal with an unhealthy relationship, it’s important to give yourself a time constraint and stick with it.

Don’t be stuck in an unhealthy relationship for years. Determine how long you think the situation is acceptable.

This time constraint can range from 3 months to a year, whatever you feel comfortable with. If the problem hasn’t improved when the time is up; you walk away.

In Conclusion

I stated in the beginning that if you love your man and the relationship also has a lot of good features, it’s worth to try and fix an unhealthy relationship.

But the sad truth is that some relationship starts fantastic, the other person makes you feel great about yourself, and everything is fun and easy.

Then the relationship turns toxic and unhealthy and things just keep going downhill.

Sometimes the battle is already lost

In those kinds of relationships, you feel worse and worse until one day you don’t even recognize yourself anymore.

Nothing you do seems to help. No amount of fighting or reasoning gives you back the feeling of love and happiness.

Make yourself happy

If this sounds familiar, the only thing you can do is accept that you alone are not enough to make the relationship work.

Use the techniques I have presented above, talk with your partner. Try and do your best to fix the unhealthy relationship. Make sure you give your effort a time constraint.

If nothing works, it’s time to walk away. You can find love again. Or you can become a better version of yourself by living without a romantic relationship.

If ending up alone is something that scares you, check out our article giving up on love and how to enjoy being single, for some serious pep-talk. Done right, the time you spend as single can be the most passionate and fruitful time of your life.