How to recognize toxic people
Are you doubting your friend? She is not as sweet as you would like her to be and you have this icky feeling that she is not good for you. You are looking for signs that your friend doesn’t care about you.
1. She never takes the initiative
If you are the one who always suggests different activities, there is an imbalance in the friendship.
You make the friendship happen; she just comes along for the ride.
This sign alone doesn’t mean that your friend doesn’t care, but it is time for an honest conversation where you tell her how her behavior makes you feel.
In a healthy friendship, both parties should contribute when it comes to organizing quality time together.
2. She forgets things you already told her
This is a sneaky sign your friend doesn’t care. I bet we have all been guilty of this behavior. The more we like someone, the better listeners we become.
If she constantly forgets things you told her, she is just not that into you.
Examples of this are that she doesn’t remember your favorite dish or the guy you like or what’s going on with your career. When you talk, she pretends to listen, but she quickly forgets the information.
3. She never texts or calls you back
Is she always ridiculously slow to reply to your texts? Does she sometimes not reply at all, thus forcing you to double text? When you call, she doesn’t always pick up and she certainly doesn’t call back.
Yeah, sorry to break it to you, but she doesn’t care as much as you do.
How good we are at keeping up communication is usually a sign of our level of investment.
4. She never gives you a birthday gift or any gifts at all
Sure, not everyone shows their love through gifts. But if the friendship is a priority for her, she will put in an effort to show you her care. And that becomes especially telling around your birthday.
Does she call to congratulate you? Does she take you out for dinner?
Or does she forget altogether?
If she is bad at gifts this tells you that when the two of you are not physically present with each other, she doesn’t think about you at all.
5. She only reaches out when she needs something
At this point in my article you might ask, why would she keep you as a friend at all?
The reason for this is that she sometimes needs you. She might need a plus one for an event, she wants to go on a trip but has no one to go with. Or she simply needs someone to look after her cat.
Do keep track of what she wants the few times she does reach out; you will have your answer.
Are you her support?
She might also always call you when she is feeling down. Maybe you are good at offering emotional support?
When she is happy and dating a new man, you never hear from her.
6. She talks a lot of crap about other people she knows
When you do spend time with her, does she like to tell you unflattering stories about her other friends?
She gossips and dishes out dirt like a daytime soap opera?
If yes, you can be sure that you are the entertainment when she meets up with other friends.
She lacks loyalty
It’s not just that she doesn’t care about you, she doesn’t care about her other friends either.
7. She seems jealous rather than happy when you achieve something
How does your friend react when you tell her some good news? Does she seem genuinely happy for you, or does she try to knock you down?
Her reaction is a good indicator of how happy she is with her own life.
Friends being jealous of each other is a surprisingly big problem, so I wrote a whole article about it; 11 signs of Jealous friends.
8. When you are having a hard time, she disappears
A good friendship means being there for each other.
Maybe you are searching the internet looking for signs that your friend doesn’t care because since you got laid off, she is never around.
You thought the friendship was deeper, but now you suspect she was only in it for superficial fun.
How your friend reacts when you are having a hard time is a tell-tale sign of how good of a friend she is.
She might feel unsure about what to do
That she is not as supportive as you thought she would be doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. Some people don’t know how to behave when terrible things happen.
If you have suffered a loss, in any form, and at the same time miss your friend, she might just be afraid of your pain. Some people react like that.
Reach out and tell her that you need her, but that she doesn’t need to be afraid to act wrong.
She might even think you need space.
9. She doesn’t support you
Another tell-tale sign of someone’s character is how supportive they are. Is she optimistic when you talk about your dreams? Does she make you feel like you can do anything?
Or is the opposite true?
She often questions your decisions and tells you that you should keep your expectations more realistic.
10. She is flaky
Let me guess, does this friend of yours often cancel plans last minute?
She always has a good reason, but her behavior makes you feel like you cannot trust her. Maybe you even feel like you are her backup plan?
Does she often leave you hanging, or altogether fail to show up?
Being flaky is one of the main signs of a friend who doesn’t care.
11. You are always paying
How is she with money?
Do you feel like she is taking advantage of your generosity? Does she often forget her wallet? Maybe she promises to pay you back but never follows up on her words?
If this is the situation with your friend, I think you already know her true character.
12. She flirts with guys you like
This is such a clear sign that your friend doesn’t have your back, don’t ignore it. Is she always trying to get close to the guys she thinks you might like?
Yes, she is indeed competitive, she is also being a bit of an asshole.
Any kind of advantage toward people you have feelings with means that she has low self-esteem.
13. She doesn’t keep your secrets
Have you told her something in confidence, only you find out later that she talked about your secrets to other people?
This is a sign she might be using you, she clearly doesn’t have your best interest in mind. She is unreliable and probably likes to gossip.
Not great qualities in a friend.
14. She is concerned about status
A friend who is overly concerned about status and how she comes across on social media is someone who only pretends to be confident.
She might expect you to be cool and behave a certain way, and when you don’t live up to her idea, she ghosts you.
She does care, but she cares even more about her status and what you can offer her in terms of social proof.
People who are overly concerned about status often show many of the signs of a friend who doesn’t care. That’s also just being self-obsessed.
15. She never has time for you
How we spend our days is how we spend our life.
What we choose to do, on a daily basis, shows the world what we make a priority.
She can tell you all the sweet worlds in the world, but if she doesn’t live up to her promises, you have your answer.
Is she the right friend for you?
People nowadays have a lot of things competing for their attention and it can be difficult to form strong and deep friendships.
Maybe she is not up for the task.
Is she constantly making promises to spend more time with you in the future? Maybe it’s time for you to look for a couple more friends. Find out how by reading my article How to make new friends in your 30s.
16. She criticizes you and offers unsolicited advice
We all want our friends to be supportive.
Only some people like to put you down by pointing out that you need to look for a new job, lose weight or stop sleeping with losers.
All of those points could be valid, but to straight up tell you means that she is not particularly sensitive. She might also actively try to make you feel bad.
A toxic friendship?
Watch how much negative feedback she gives you.
Toxic people are often very negative.
She might still care, but you should question if she is someone you want to keep in your life. To find out more read my article 7 Signs of a Toxic friendship.
17. You feel drained after spending time with her
This brings me to my next point, an important indicator of what’s going on in any relationship is how you feel about yourself after having spent time with this person.
Do you feel happy? Energized? Optimistic?
When you walk away from her, take a couple of minutes to check in with yourself. How has your mood changed? What is your body telling you?
What effect does she have on you?
Is she self-centered?
If she is tough to be around, most likely she is self-obsessed and doesn’t leave much room for you.
She can still care about you, but if she does, this is not coming across in your interactions.
In the end our behavior triumphs over our intentions. She can be pure at heart, but you need friends who are seeing you and also supportive of you.
18. Her behavior is inconsistent
Is she sweet and charming one week, only to disappear completely the next week?
This is not necessarily a sign that your friend doesn’t care, she might just be an airhead.
Inconsistent behavior is almost always a sign of low self-confidence.
People who have their shit together are capable of showing up with consistency in their relationships.
Do communicate
Do tell her that when she disappears it makes you feel like she doesn’t care.
She might not even know the effect her behavior has on you.
If your friend shows many signs that she doesn’t care, communicating should always be your first step.
Why does your friend not care about you?
Most people are not consciously malicious.
Instead, we are preoccupied with our own problems, we are insecure and sometimes even depressed.
Even a person that comes across as confident can suffer from feelings of unworthiness.
When someone treats you poorly it always tells you that they are in distress. They are not happy with themselves and their life.
There is no exception to this rule.
What about you?
If you allow someone to treat you poorly that means that you don’t value yourself as highly as you should.
You picked her for a reason, and you kept investing in your friendship for a reason. Did you think having her as a friend was better than having no friends?
Why is she still your friend?
You had a sneaking feeling that she was being a bit of a bitch and now after identifying some of these 13 signs your friend doesn’t care, you know you were right.
Ask yourself what made you ignore those red flags. Examine your confidence and boundaries.
Is she charming?
Also, ask yourself about the things you do like about her, she cannot be all bad?
Those are the things you need more of in your life. You just need to get them from someone else than her.
She might make you laugh and take you on adventures (when she does show up,) but finding new friends will make you less dependent on her.
A Finale note
Now that we have gone through these 18 major signs that your friend doesn’t care about you, let me tell you a secret;
I’m sure she does care about you.
I’m also sure that she does like you.
The problem is more about what she is capable of giving you.
Probably she is just so consumed with her own problems that she doesn’t have the capacity to be the friend you need her to be.
Good communication and clear boundaries can, to a certain extent, solve this problem. But if she keeps on hurting you, you need to be strong enough to walk away from the friendship.
You cannot change her, but you are always in control of the path you choose for your life.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
