How to recognize him and how to handle the problem
An emotionally unavailable man looks exactly like a normal man. He is successful in his career, has lots of fun, interesting friends, and a wide variety of interests he pursues. Most likely, he also has a beautiful home. When you spend time with him, you get the feeling that he has the different aspects of his life under control. So, as not to get hooked on the wrong man, it’s important you learn how to recognize the major signs of an emotionally unavailable man:
- He hasn’t had a serious relationship
- He doesn’t take the initiative
- He keeps things as casual as possible
- He keeps the distance
- He cancels plans
- He gives you mixed signals
- After spending time together, he goes cold
- You feel anxious about him and about the relationship
- He tells you he is not ready for a relationship
- He is fiercely independent
Pros with the emotionally unavailable man
In fact, an emotionally unavailable man is often better than a normal man. An emotionally unavailable man has more friends, closer contact with his family, and generally speaking, a fulfilling life.
After all, when you never have a serious relationship, you have a lot of time for everything else that makes life fun.
He is passionate and well-traveled
Thus, an emotionally unavailable man invests a lot of his time in educating himself, working out, and pursuing different cool hobbies.
In the beginning, everything looks promising. He calls and texts a lot, he takes you on dates, he might even talk about the future.
It looks like you found a great man. But the amazing start is, unfortunately, how you get hooked.
Surprise; he is not looking for a relationship right now
Everything looks promising until one day when he tells you that he is not looking for a relationship right now.
He might give you a reason that seems sensible. For example, he needs to focus on his kids or his education.
A decision based on fear
He is a very smart and well-educated man, but you will still feel like the reason misses one important aspect. And you will be right. He will give you a logical reason. But his decision to not prioritize you will be an emotional decision.
He doesn’t feel in love
Or, in some cases, he will be even more honest, and he will tell you that he is just not feeling it.
His feeling hasn’t developed as he thought they would. And this will be the truth. Not having strong enough feelings is the modus operandi of an emotionally unavailable man.
Since you want to be more prepared when you find yourself in this situation, I will give take an in-depth look at all the signs of an emotionally unavailable man.
1. He hasn’t had a serious relationship
The strongest warning sign of an emotionally unavailable man is that he has never been in a serious long-term relationship.
If you want to find out who he is in relationships, ask about his previous relationships and why they didn’t work out. If he never lived with another woman long-term, that is a warning signal that he is emotionally unavailable.
He kept his distance
Another warning signal is if he has had long-term relationships that have not been completely emotionally close, for example, a long-distance relationship or a partner he wasn’t compatible with.
Does he take responsibility for why his different relationships didn’t work out?
2. He doesn’t take the initiative
The progress of a healthy relationship is based on two people both taking the initiative to the next step.
If you are the one who always plans things and calls and texts him, this is a sure sign that you are dealing with an emotionally unavailable man.
He doesn’t want to give you the wrong impression
He might be happy to play along with you. But the fact that you do all the planning, in his mind, frees him from a bit of the emotional responsibility.
3. He keeps things as casual as possible
Instead of committing to you, he keeps things casual and undefined.
This can manifest in many different ways. He doesn’t call you his girlfriend; he doesn’t put up pictures of the two of you on social media. He might avoid introducing you to his friends or family.
Or, he doesn’t want to see you too often.
All those things are signs that you are dating an emotionally unavailable man.
At the end of the day, you want someone who takes the initiative sometimes, which is probably why you are frustrated.
4. He keeps the distance
An emotionally unavailable man will keep the relationship on a level that he feels comfortable with.
He might feel OK meeting you once a week or once a month and thus will give you only that much time. That he decides on the phase of the relationship is a sign of an emotionally unavailable man.
He doesn’t want to get too close
He probably prefers texting over calling you. And sometimes you have to wait days or even a whole week for his next text. He will usually have a good excuse. But whatever excuse he comes up with, the emotional truth is that he is not comfortable letting you get too close.
Time spent together automatically means a higher degree of closeness.
5. He cancels plans
Another of the major signs of an emotionally unavailable man is that he cancels plans. He always has a good reason. Nevertheless, the result is that the two of you don’t spend that much time together.
You want more
The time you do spend together is often very pleasant and stimulating. And that’s how you get hooked, and that’s why you think there is hope. You just wish you would get more of him and his time.
6. He is the king of mixed signals
If an emotionally unavailable man always were cold and distant and never took any initiative, we wouldn’t get so hooked.
We wouldn’t fall in love.
He is very loving, sometimes
The problem with emotionally unavailable men is that they also have a very open side. They do know how to connect. You can spend hours together talking and having sex, or just kissing. During this time, he is very affectionate, and you trick yourself into thinking that you have broken through his shell.
If you want to know more about manipulative behavior, I strongly recommend checking out my article on the subject. It’s a comprehensive guide that will give you lots of insights into how manipulative people behave.
7. After spending quality time together, he goes cold
After such a great time, he will retract back into himself.
You might need him, but he won’t be there for you.
It’s maddening and frustrating, and since everything was great just a couple of days ago, you really started to like him.
He likes to be in control
Emotionally unavailable men need control. Their life seems to be great. They are generally happy with their life and their routine. And because of this, another problem enters and sabotages the possibility of a relationship.
An emotionally unavailable man is not prepared to change their routines to let you in. Compromises are not their strong side.
If you want to know more about why he behaves like this, check out our article When he pulls away do nothing.
8. You feel anxious about him and about the relationship
You are usually a confident and independent person. Someone who never waits around for text messages or phone calls. But when you get hooked on an emotionally unavailable man, your whole personality change.
You become anxious. You, who didn’t even know the meaning of dating nerves.
A good indicator of someone’s true personality and the relationship is how you feel around them. An emotionally unavailable man will make you feel needy and clingy.
Take your time to evaluate him
And no, I don’t just mean how he makes you feel for one night. Ask yourself, how does he make you feel over weeks or months?
Has his presence been a positive force in your life, all in all?
You need some time to evaluate this properly. Thus, give him and the relationship some time. But when you do evaluate, be honest with how he makes you feel most of the time. You will have your answer. How people make us feel is a very powerful measurement of what’s really going on.
9. He tells you he is not ready for a relationship
Most men, even emotionally unavailable men, especially emotionally unavailable men, will be honest when they tell you their feeling.
An emotionally unavailable man will give you plenty of verbal warnings.
He will explain his behavior
He will tell you things along the line that he is not looking for a relationship right now. Or he will tell you that he is focused on his career right now. Or he tells you that he likes to be spontaneous. He doesn’t like to plan things in advance.
10. He Is fiercely independent
Another easy way to spot an emotionally unavailable man is that he values his independence.
He likes to do things on his own; he likes to go travel on his own. He likes the feeling of not needing anyone else.
Often he has very precise ideas of how to do things. He likes to be in charge. For him being alone has become a bit of an ideal. By glorifying his situation, he denies that he has a problem.
What are the signs of an emotionally available man?
An emotionally available man has one very clear trait; he is consistent. H
e is consistent in his communication, the time he spends with you, and his growing interest in you.
You feel good about yourself
Also, you feel good about the phase of the relationship. You feel like he is meeting your emotional needs.
If you need more information about what a healthy relationship looks like, read my article “How do you know if you are dating the right person?“
A Final Note
It sucks when you meet someone you like and find out that he doesn’t want you.
Or, in the case of an emotionally unavailable man, that he is incapable of forming the sort of relationship you want and need.
When you feel sad and rejected, it is important to remember that it is worse for him. Deep down, he does want a relationship. For one reason or another, he is just too afraid.
We all guard our freedom
It’s also important to acknowledge that we all have the same fear your emotionally unavailable man has, the fear of the wrong relationship. To a smaller degree, we are all afraid of losing our independence and freedom when we enter a new relationship.
It’s not your job to save him
To fully let go of the situation, it’s important to feel compassion for him and yourself.
Don’t paint him as an as-hole who tricked you into loving him. Instead, think about what you learned from this relationship.
You probably learned exactly how much love and attention you need to feel good about yourself. He showed you a lot of things you don’t want from a relationship.
It’s important to break up with an emotionally unavailable man before he does too much damage to your self-confidence.
Give him a chance, but don’t overstay
Now that you know the signs of an emotionally unavailable man, you can make a better decision in the future. It’s not your job to try and save him.
If you still are on a mission, you can read my article “How to get someone to open up emotionally.“
I have given you the warning signs of an emotionally unavailable man, but most of the time, you cannot tell from the beginning. (So don’t beat yourself up if you fall into the trap.)
You need to give the relationship space to grow before you make the final decision. You also need to give an emotionally unavailable man a chance to change himself. After all, no one wants to be emotionally unavailable.
No one wants to be alone.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
