Why is it so hard to find someone?

The 5 reasons why and my different solutions

Single people do not have it easy these days. In theory, the choices should be endless, but in reality, you feel like you are dumpster diving rather than dating. You probably often wonder; why is it so hard to find someone?

It‘s both you and the world

The reason why you haven’t met Mr. Right comes down to these five things: 1. You don’t meet enough men. 2. You are too picky. 3. You are afraid. 4. You are special, thus in need of a bigger assortment to find the right one. 5. You are too needy. This scares off potential dates since we all want to be with someone who is confident enough to be alone.

Why these problems are sabotaging your chances

If you don’t meet enough new men, you will not meet the right man. If you always find faults, not even the dream guy will be good enough for you.

Love is scary, but to meet someone, you have to take a risk. So to fall for someone, you have to be brave and let yourself get close to him.

If, on the other hand, you are too needy, the right man will not fall for you. We all want to be with someone who has their lives together, even when alone.  

We do love ourselves

The first reason many people state why it’s so hard to find someone is because you don’t love yourself. They seem to think that all single people have a well-hidden lack of love for themselves. This lack of self-love repels all those chances of healthy, loving relationships that happen to fall into our laps. We, single people, are masters at self-sabotaging.

I’m happy with my life

Guess what? I do love myself. On top of that, I’m pretty happy with my character and my life. I think this is true for most single people. No matter how much you love yourself, it’s still hard to find someone.

But we all need a little bit of help

If you, like me, are single against your will, the reason behind this will be a combination of different obstacles. Some of them are more obvious than others.

This article is part therapy session and part tips and tricks to overcome all those different obstacles that keep you single. Let’s find someone special despite the fact that it is, indeed, hard to find someone.

1. You don’t meet enough men

Romantic movies make it seem easy.

Handsome, charming men are everywhere. You are going about your life, doing your errands, it starts to rain and you, by accident, run into a cute guy with who you instantly have tons of chemistry.

The rain pours down. He holds a newspaper (back when newspaper still was a thing) over your heads. The two of you go to a French bistro to kick-start your romance. Steamy sex follows, and this incredible guy has never even heard the term ghosting.

You need to meet the right kind of men

The reality, unfortunately, is vastly different. You slough around with your life, and the only men you meet are your married colleagues, and the self-absorbed gym instructor who always talks about protein shakes no matter what subject you bring up.

With this lack of available men, there is no wonder that you are still single.

You need to meet quality men

To find the right man, you simply have to meet a lot of men. Those men need to be similar to you, both when it comes to personality, lifestyle, and goals for the future. They also have to want a relationship. In other words, no easy task to fulfill.

Exactly how to meet more men

To manage to meet all those men that are out there, you need to stay cool and critical with the men you do meet. Don’t try to force your love on someone who says they want to keep things casual.

A half-ass relationship will keep you mildly satisfied and stand in the way of you meeting the right man.

To meet the men that do actually exist, you need to put yourself in his shoes. What does he do, where does he go? What kinds of passions does he have?

Go where he is spending his time

When you know the answer to some of these questions, you have to go there, you have to do the same things. Not once or twice, but regularly. You have to find him in his natural habitat.

This should not be as big of an effort as it sounds since you would want someone similar to you.

Leave your cave

Actually, scrap that big plan. The only thing you do have to do is to get out of your apartment. Go for a walk, to a coffee shop, or to a lecture. To make the process faster, be a bit creative with all that time you from now on have to spend outside your apartment.

2. You are too picky

Seriously, you are too picky. See all those people who have a relationship? They are, generally speaking, less picky than you.

That’s the easy, straightforward explanation for why you are single and they are not. You have high standards. They have slightly lower standards.

People in relationships know how to compromise

They put up with all sorts of shit just because they want to be in a relationship. They might not get everything they want from their relationship, but they figure a little bit of love is better than no love.

Or; they are not really in love with their significant other. They just settled. Things are not as great inside as they look from the outside.

Always remember this when bitterness creeps in on you; You can be alone, even in a relationship.

Preconceived notions about how things work

Of course, there is plenty of happy, satisfied couple around. Soon enough, you will join them. But being picky ties into the point I made above because the pickier you are, the more men you have to try and meet to find the right one.

It’s a long process, sometimes a process spanning several years. If you are picky, you might only hit it off with one man for every 100 men you meet. How many men do you meet on an average week? You can do the math.

Try being more forgiving

Having that said, try and be less picky. We all have preconceived notions about how things work. For example, you might think that if you are not attracted to a man the instant you meet him, you will never be attracted to him.

Don’t dismiss someone too soon

This is simply not true. If you think back to your past, I’m sure you can come up with different instances when you weren’t instantly attracted to someone but later changed your mind. Attraction can grow.

Or you might think that you are only attracted to tall fit men. If that’s the case, challenge yourself and go for a short, plump man.

3. You are afraid

You should be picky. After all, whom you choose to let into your life will determine your general happiness. It’s an important decision and should not be taken easy.

But a lot of us who are single are simply too shielded. We find faults in the men we do date. I myself am a champ at this sport.

You can give me the most amazing man, and I will give you adjectives such as neurotic, workaholic, evasive, and reactionary. Clearly, it’s my fear that’s doing the talking.

A friend will tell you the truth

You might think you want commitment and love, but every time you come close to someone, you reject them. The reasons seem valid in your head.

But at the same time, you have a lingering suspicion that you are afraid. If this sounds familiar, ask a friend for a more objective evaluation. Are your feelings reasonable, or are you ruled by fear?

Therapy is a good idea if you want to change how you behave.

Face your fears

There are a million reasons why you can be afraid of love and relationships, and there is no easy fix. Try and understand what you are afraid of, and where this fear stems from. Try pushing your negative feelings aside when dating and being more open and vulnerable.

I recommend journaling about the fears that do come up.

4. You are special

The more special you are, the harder it is to meet someone. If you are a pretty ordinary person, living an ordinary life, a lot of men can fit into that equation, and thus you have a lot of choices.

But let’s say your lifestyle is a bit different compared to most people’s lifestyle, the result is that it becomes more difficult to meet someone.

He should be as passionate as you

You might require someone open to polygamy or someone who wants and can afford to travel the world with you. You might need someone deeply passionate about various spiritual practices. The more original the quest, the longer the search.

Don’t be too narrow-minded

If this is the case, I would recommend you, and myself, to consider broadening the scope.

What we need for a relationship is not a copy of ourselves but someone we can have a fun and fulfilling relationship with.

Another idea is to actively go to the places this sort of man frequents. The more original of a human you are looking for, the more fruitful it will be to try and find him where he is most likely to be hanging out.

5. You are too needy

I know this one sucks to hear. No one wants to be called needy, and you probably don’t think it applies to you. Not many people realize that they are too needy.

But if you often find yourself at the beginning of a relationship and that relationship doesn’t go anywhere, and you would have wished for the relationship to go somewhere, probably you were acting too needy.

It’s a deep need

You can have your shit together and still be too needy because neediness is not always a surface layer thing. Sometimes we even use surface-level things, such as a great body or a great job, to hide our neediness.

Don’t forget to evaluate him

If you like to say things like; I don’t want to play games. I wish two people could just like each other and decide to be together. Then you might be too needy.

Because most people don’t play games, but their behavior does reflect their feelings. So if a guy stops pursuing you, he is not playing games. He is not just that into you.

Read the book, by the way, if you haven’t already done it. The movie was a bit of a train wreck. Check out an article about it here.

Is he the right man for you?

If you think he is playing games, consider the possibility that it’s your fragile ego that can’t take the rejection without blaming him.

When you date, you have to be more critical, you have to take a step back. Never forget that you are the one who evaluates him, not the other way around. Don’t give him the green light too soon.

If you want to understand more about how men work when it comes to love, I recommend our comprehensive article How to make someone fall in love with you.

The process of finding someone

Finding someone is a process. The process starts with you meeting different candidates and developing feelings for those candidates. Me personally, I have always had a hard time with this process.

First of all, I have a hard time becoming attracted to someone. Attraction rarely happens for me, and if there is no attraction, it’s hard to continue dating. I feel dishonest, sometimes even repulsed, and that’s hard to hide.

I have a hard time falling in love

I also have a hard time falling in love. If I become attracted to someone, it doesn’t automatically lead to falling in love. For me, falling in love only happens every third year, so you could see how that might pose some difficulties with finding someone.

Clearly, both of those mechanisms are ways I’m protecting myself from the great risk of loving, but they also feel out of my control.

Attraction and falling in love are not something we can will ourselves to feel and do. It has to come naturally, and when it doesn’t, we are stuck in the waiting room.

Where in the process do you error?

Your problem might not be the same as mine. But I bet you that there is somewhere in the process where things go wrong for you.

For example, there is also the stage where the initial passion wears of, and you start seeing the other person for whom they really are. You see them when they are moody or bored or frustrated with someone, and you discover that you don’t like them as much as you thought you did.

Love is deceitful. We fall in love with an idolized version of our partner.

How to recognize the right guy

Check out my article, How do you know if you are dating the right person? to distinguish the keepers from someone not worthy of your time.

Another pitfall is that you are attracted to the wrong sort of men. Men who are not available for a serious, committed relationship. Falling for the wrong guys is a self-sabotaging behavior that stems from a lack of self-worth. So, yes, in this case, it will help to work on yourself.

In conclusion

It is hard to find someone. The reason behind this is a combination of what’s going on inside you and factors in the outside world.

You can improve your chances by being critical of your thoughts and behavior. You can also take steps towards interacting with the world in a new and different way. Try and be more open and say yes to things you usually turn down.

Leaving your shelter and changing your behavior also gives you a chance to have other experiences, experiences that has the power to change the way you think and the way you feel.

Keep believing

The other aspect, that’s just waiting and having faith that there will be someone for you. Maybe even someone vastly different from the picture you have in your head.

In the meantime, read my article How to enjoy being single.