Why do I look for problems in my relationship? – The 8 main reasons and how to stop

Do you keep finding issues to worry about with your partner and with your relationship?

The short answer is that you have a subconscious comfort zone around chaos. You feel more comfortable when there are fights and problems going on than when everything is going along just fine. Don’t panic. There are plenty of solutions to adapt when you feel like you contantly look for problems in your relationship.

The answer lies in your childhood and upbringing

The most likely explanation for this question is that there was some form of dysfunctional relationship pattern in your childhood.

You didn’t feel completely safe with your primary caregivers. As a result, you have developed an anxious or avoidant attachment style. You could also be fearful avoidant, which combines the other two attachment styles.

Did you have a happy childhood?

You might object and say that your childhood was perfectly fine, thank you very much.

But even small betrays can feel big to a child since we are so dependent on our caretakers.

Many people with the avoidant attachment style claim to have had a happy childhood. And on the surface, everything was good, maybe even idyllic. But their parent didn’t manage to meet all their emotional needs.

Did you learn how to tune in to your emotions?

Maybe you were always told to just suck it up and stop crying. You didn’t feel safe expressing your emotions and you always tried to be a good child.

Your parents, most likely, didn’t mean anything bad. They just didn’t have time to deal with an emotional child.

Learning how to feel our emotions and how to let them go is a crucial skill to have healthy, happy relationships as a grown-up.

If you didn’t have a happy childhood

If you already know you suffered abuse and a lack of attunement in your childhood, it should come as a surprise that you look for problems in your relationship. Children who grow up in any form of chaotic situation feel a certain amount of safety around chaos. It’s the devil now know, as the saying goes.

Problems and conflicts are the state you know well and are used to deal with.

Happiness, on the other hand, can feel scary.

You associate relationships with problems and fights

Most likely, your subconscious connects love with emotional turbulence. In some twisted way, relationship problems and love have been mixed up in your mind.

Can we not just get over our childhood?

You might wonder why you cannot just leave your childhood behind? After all, it has been years, and you are a grown-up now.

You are safe now.

The truth is that your subconscious is always fighting for your survival. Your subconscious is always looking for obstacles. This is a defense mechanism and a way for your subconscious to protect you.

Did your parents fight a lot?

This is one of the most likely explanations as to why you look for problems in your relationship.

You had this behavior modeled to you from an early age, and now you cannot let it go.

1. You are trying to control the situation

Maybe you are not fighting with your partner, but inside, you are always finding faults with him and with the relationship as a whole.

You feel the need to push him away before he finds a reason to push you away. (And break up with you!)

By instigating a conflict, you gain a certain amount of control over a situation that is uncontrollable.

Your fear is justified in the sense that we can never know that our romantic partner will stay.

Your subconscious will have to learn to live with the uncertainty.

You get the illusion of control

Looking for problems in your relationships is a way for you to gain control. If you can spot the problem early on, you have the chance to fix it.

Some people even go as far as breaking up with their partner because, at least, by doing so, they gain a sense of control. They figure it’s best to be the one who instigates the decision rather than wait for their partner to dump them.

2. You don’t feel worthy of love

Are you always thinking that you don’t even know why your partner likes you? He could do so much better and maybe be happier with someone else.

If you recognize yourself in these thoughts, the explanation as to why you look for problems in your relationship is straightforward.

You don’t value yourself high enough

You often put other people on a pedestal, and you keep thinking that they are happy, and they got their shit together.

This is a fairly common problem; a lot of people suffer from bad self-esteem and feeling unworthy.

For more information and great solutions, read my article I have nothing to offer in a relationship -How to fix this mindset.

3. You don’t see reality as it is

Let’s say you feel insecure and unhappy. Those feelings come from within you. The reality could very well be that your partner loves you a lot and your relationship is doing just fine.

But we see things as we are, not as they are.

If you struggle with feelings of unhappiness, you project those feelings on your relationship and you find faults in your relationship.

4. You have a fear of commitment

A lot of people have a deep-rooted fear of commitment. This might be because they have a negative view of relationships. Often, this stems from childhood, but it can also be because they had a bad relationship. No wonder you have a fear of commitment if your last partner was unfaithful and a liar.

Another reason can be that you are afraid of losing their freedom.

I get it; commitment is scary.

So, when you find a great partner, you self-sabotage by always looking for problems in your relationship. If you want to know more, read my article What Causes Insecurity In A Relationship – How Can You Fix This?

5. You are having unrealistic expectations

Yet another reason why you feel restless in your relationship is that you have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship should feel.

We all grow up with fairytales and Hollywood movies. Many of us expect to feel in love all the time.

We want to be crazy attracted to our partner and crazy happy with all sides of their personality. When we realize our partner is just a human, we get scared and start thinking something must be wrong.

6. You are dissatisfied with other areas of your life

This can be a sneaky reason as to why you look for problems in your relationship. Your partner is not responsible for your happiness.

So many people meet someone and expect their life to be a fantasy from then on.

But even if you have an epic love affair going on you can still be deeply unhappy with your career, suffer from health challenges or feel lonely.

Love is not a vaccine against the hardships of life.

When you are unhappy with other areas of your life, it is easy for you to project them on your partner and your relationship.

You want someone to blame, and your partner is right there.

7. You self-sabotage

When you feel like you are stuck looking for problems in your relationship, it is important that you question your motivation.

This sort of behavior is a typical way of self-sabotaging.

You don’t trust that you deserve a stable relationship, and as a result, you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Do you feel worried and tense and like you are just waiting for your partner to show their true nasty self?

It is an exhausting way to live.

Let’s try to stop your behavior once and for all.

8. It’s not the right relationship for you

Finally, let’s address the elephant in the room. There is also the possibility that the problem doesn’t lie within you. You and your partner might not be a good match. Some things are not meant to be. The relationship might be toxic; check out our guide here: 13 signs of a toxic relationship.

Or there is another possibility: your partner might be great. You are just not in love.

Or, there are other important things you want to focus on.

To find out the truth, you need to do some soul-searching. Only you have the truth to this question.

Are you kind to yourself?

People who often find faults in their relationships are usually very self-critical. You hold yourself to a high standard, and thus, you view your relationship in the same light.

This is also a trauma response. If you were criticized a lot as a child, you become hypervigilant. Always trying to do your best to finally gain love and approval from your caretakers.

Break the anxious cycle

Now, when we have a good grasp of your problem, it is time to put on your grown-up pants and break free from your past.

Our past experiences don’t define us.

You can become harmonic and satisfied.

What are your fears?

Start by writing down your fears. Take a closer look at the things you are afraid of? Are these reasonable fears?

Question your assumptions and your automatic thoughts.

Here are some typical fears

• He doesn’t like me
• He will be unfaithful
• My partner will get bored with me
• I don’t trust him

Write down why the opposite of those fears is true or could be true.

How do you deal with always looking for problems in your relationship?

1. Focus on the positive aspects of your relationship

The truth is that every relationship has its shortcomings. There are always problems. Just like when you buy a house, things always need to be fixed.

So you are right in looking for problems, but you could also turn your perspective in the opposite direction an focus on everything that does work with your chosen lover and partner.

When you feel the onslaught of problems, gently turn your mind towards all the things that make your relationship great.

Write lists. Read and re-read those lists.

2. Focus on the positive aspects of your partner

The same goes for the qualities of your partner. No one gets everything from their partner. Instead of thinking about his shortcomings, keep on reminding yourself of all his wonderful qualities.

Remember all the reasons you like him to begin with. Keep thinking about all the ways he is a catch.

3. Increase your self-esteem

As you probably figured out by now, the biggest reason why you look for a problem is a lack of self-esteem.

Your self-esteem can vary according to different areas of your life. You might have high self-esteem when it comes to your career or overall abilities, but you can still lack a sense of self-worth when it comes to your romantic relationship.

The solution is to actively work towards feeling secure in your skin and to trust your choices.

You choose your partner. Now, go ahead and trust yourself enough to believe that you made an excellent choice.

A final note on why I look for problems in my relationship

You look for problems because you have some healing to do. Our shortcomings are opportunities to grow and develop as humans.

When you fix this you will be more content with all areas of your life.

Happiness is just around the corner.