Why do I feel frustrated with my friend?

9 common reasons why resentment can grow in a friendship

First of all, you are not frustrated with your friend for nothing, there is a reason. Our emotions are there to guide us. They let us know when something is wrong and when something needs our attention. It’s important that you find out why you feel frustrated with your friend.

Find your reason

Frustration is a strong emotion and one you should examine and act upon.

Bellow, I suggest 9 very common reasons why people become frustrated with their friends. Take a look and see which one suits your situation.

1. Your friend has over-stepped your boundaries

Let’s start with the bigger picture because when you feel frustrated with a friend, it’s almost always the case that your friend has over-stepped one of your boundaries. Maybe your friend shared something that was meant to be private?

Boundaries are not only what people do to us; they can also be a boundary violation if someone doesn’t do something. The lack of action can hurt us almost as much as an action.

Example of boundary violation

For example, if it is your birthday and you don’t hear anything from your friend, the absence of action can still hurt. If you feel hurt or frustrated, something has happened. You had a boundary you might not be aware of and your friend has crossed this boundary.

2. Your friend demands too much

The most common reason why we feel frustrated with a friend is that they expect too much of us.

The friend in question might rely on you for emotional support. Does your friend constantly call you? Or do they always want to meet up to talk about their problems?

Your friend can also rely too heavily on you for practical support.

It feels good at the beginning

You might have liked the trust and attention in the beginning. Supporting another human often makes us feel worthy. But a couple of years down the road, we might start to become frustrated.

The demands pilled up

It’s possible that your friend is like they have always been, but that you simply had too much. What they demand are things that you no longer feel comfortable giving and as a result, you become frustrated.

3. Your friend doesn’t take your advice

Another common reason why we become frustrated with a friend is that they simply don’t take our advice.

Friends often confide in each other and rely on each other in all areas of life. But when a friend constantly seeks you out for advice and guidance and at the same time doesn’t follow through on your advice, it is easy to become frustrated.

You feel like you are giving advice to a wall

You probably feel unheard and as if your friend doesn’t respect your opinion and guidance. A friend who often seeks out advice, but never follows through, is easy to become frustrated with.

4. Your friend gives too little

Another version closely associated with, and often working in tandem with the friend who demands too much, is the friend who gives too little.

Maybe you feel frustrated because you have realized that you have a one-sided friendship?

There are many different ways of under giving

The friend who gives too little can happen in so many areas. Maybe you are the one who always instigates contact? Maybe you suggest fun things to do and your friend just follows along without ever taking an initiative of their own.

Take a look at all the different areas

Examine all parts of your friendship to discover if there is one area where your friend gives too little. You can also read my article The secrets to strong friendships, to get more tips on how to strengthen all your friendships.

5. Your friend doesn’t share the practical burden

Sometimes the things that make us frustrated are the practical things in life.

Grocery shopping that doesn’t get done. A lack of cleaning. Not buying a new bulb for the kitchen lamp…the list goes on.

Because life is full of practicalities that have to be done. One example of this is the friend that is always late or the friend that is a poor organizer.

The unstructured friend

It can also be that your friend is messy or always cancel last minute. Those are common reasons why someone would feel frustrated with a friend.

Whatever it is, it is something concrete and tangible. If you have ever shared a flat with a friend, you know what I’m talking about. The frustration that can grove out of not doing the practical things, is through the roof in strength.

6. Your friend doesn’t hear what you are saying

Another of the most common reasons why we become frustrated with anyone is that we don’t feel heard and seen by this person.

If you always hear and see this person, your frustration is bound to grow bigger. There is an in-balance in the relationship. Someone gets all the attention.

We all want to feel heard

It’s such an important part of the human experience, but one that is harder to spot. We might not realize when we feel unheard.

Your friend might listen to you, but if they don’t act accordingly, you might still be left with the feeling that you don’t matter.

7. Is it them or is it you?

When our frustration is growing, we also need to take a long hard look at ourselves. Because what might annoy you, another person might not even notice. Maybe you feel frustrated with your friend because the two of you are not a match on a fundamental level.

You need to be on the same wavelength

A friendship is similar to a romantic relationship in the sense that there are a lot of different things that need to click for a successful friendship.

Maybe your friend is actually all right and a good friend to other people, but not the right one for you. Maybe you have needs that she simply can’t satisfy.

8. Your friend expresses your repressed traits

We all have different sides to our personalities. We might be needy or fiercely independent. We might be too open or too closed when meeting new people. We might be overspenders or unnecessarily frugal.

What are your repressed traits?

It is common for people to repress certain traits that have been deemed bad in their childhood. Maybe someone told you that you were too loud? And as a result, you suppressed that trait and now everyone who is loud is irritating to you. The thing that triggers us the most is often the thing we are out of relationship with.

9. Your friend doesn’t live up to your expectations

Friendships are also similar to romantic relationships in the sense that there can be a honeymoon phase.

When we meet a new friend, we are often on our best behavior. We are charming and funny and always up for an adventure.

When a relationship progresses, the dynamics usually change, and people show more of their true selves.

We do change

This is natural. But it can also lead to us having too high expectations of our friends. Maybe your friend changed the way she behaves towards you and as a result, you feel less infatuated with her.

Tell your friend how you feel

Good healthy communication is the foundation for any successful relationship. Express your feeling to your friend. Try to frame your feeling in the form of a need. For example, I need more quality time. Or; I need to limit the time you spend talking about your latest problems.

Be honest

When you express yourself, it helps if you are vulnerable, tell your friend how it makes you feel when they act the way they act.

Tell them why they are a great friend

You can also circumvent your friend’s core wounds by pre-phasing the question. Start by telling your friend everything you appreciate about them and why the friendship is so valuable to you.

Tell your friend that you want to have a conversation to improve your friendship.

Accept your friend for who they are

Not everyone has the capacity to give you what you need. Maybe you are expecting too much from this particular friend and what you really need is to make some new friends. Check out our article How to make new friends in your 30s.

A final note

Friendship is a beautiful thing, and the right friendship is worth preserving, even if it takes a bit of effort. Do contemplate your own feelings and your potential shortcomings. Make sure you communicate the whole picture with your friend. If you need to take a break from the friendship, that’s also ok.