We tell you the somewhat harsh truth
You met an amazing guy, and everything seemed to be going great. You were patient, understanding, and charming. You did your best. But apparently, bending over backward, was not enough. He walked away. Walked away all the way into the arms of someone else. Yeah, that sucks. It is a universally accepted truth that when a guy leaves you for someone else, things really fucking hurt. If the same thing has happened to you before, you might be stuck in a dark place asking yourself, why do guys always leave me for someone else?
In this article, we will answer that question once and for all.
The answer comes down to one (or several) of the following reasons.
- You picked the wrong guy, to begin with.
- You ignored red flags.
- You invested too much too soon.
- You were too needy.
- You were too independent.
- It’s not going to be a fairy tale with her either.
1. You picked the wrong guy
The first thing you have to do when you ask yourself, “why do guys always leave me for someone else?” is to acknowledge your part in the event. We don’t fall in love randomly.
We make a choice, and we make that choice together with our subconscious.
To meet a guy, start dating him, and fall in love, both your conscious brain and your subconscious work together to make those events happen in the first place.
You fell for him
You flirt, you answer text messages, and the two of you discuss big questions over long dinners. At every turn of this journey, you make choices, and those choices are a direct result of how much you value yourself.
The people who you let into your life are signposts of what’s going on in your inner life. If you pick guys who don’t treat you the right way, it is because you don’t think you deserve love and respect.
You might be calm and confident on a surface level, but that’s not the whole story.
On a subconscious level, you made a choice, and it was not the right choice
The truth is that you have a negative script going on in your brain, and you pick guys according to that script.
Deep down, you think you are not worthy of love, and your subconscious makes you fall in love with men who fulfill your view of yourself. You set yourself up for failure. That’s the real reason why this guy left you for someone else. You picked the wrong guy.
A harch truth
I know it sounds tremendously hard, but you needed to hear it.
If we don’t acknowledge the fact that we are responsible for the situation we are in, we can’t change it.
Now when you know that you made a mistake, you can work towards improving yourself.
2. You ignored red flags
It takes a lot of events to unfold for you to start dating someone, invest in him emotionally, and then discover that he is not that into you and that he prefers someone else.
He must have told you a lot of things about himself. Things you might not have heard because you were too busy trying to make him like you.
You might object and say something along the line of, “He was really sweet and loving in the beginning. How could I have known that he was going to change?”
You had to take a chance with him
And to some extent, that is correct.
You had to take a chance.
We never know the exact outcome of something. So you did the right thing when you invested in this relationship.
Don’t beat yourself up
You couldn’t have known from the beginning. So don’t beat yourself up for giving the guy and yourself a chance. That was the right choice. But somewhere along the way, you should have subtracted your participation (and your feelings) from the situation.
Because if he left you for someone else, that tells me that you gave him too many chances. You gave him much more chances than he deserved. When he conveyed that he was not interested in the same thing you were interested in, you didn’t listen.
3. You invested too much, too soon
When you meet someone amazing, you fall in love hard. I get it. We dream of romance, we crave intimacy. If you add sex into the mixture, it’s almost impossible to fight the feel-good hormones that arrive at the beginning of a relationship.
Our bodies and brains are wired for connection.
It’s all too easy to be swept away by the whirlwind that is falling in love.
Romance is seductive
You hardly know the guy, but you are already sending out invitations to the marriage or dreaming about romantic trips around the world. Discovering the pyramids or holding hands in Paris, anyone?
This form of emotional investment too soon in a new relationship leads you to a situation when you have to ask yourself, why do guys always leave me for someone else?
You didn’t properly vet him
The problem with this scenario is that you overlook all the ways he might not be the right guy for you. You get attached to the fantasy version of the relationship rather than evaluate the reality of the relationship.
If you want to improve the way you vet guys in the future, check out our article How do you know if you are dating the right person? You can also read 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man, to get a better understanding of red flags to be aware of.
He freaked out
This intense approach is also something that pushes many guys away. He doesn’t necessarily have to be an idiot. He can just be scared. Scared enough to break things off with you and meet someone else.
Don’t hate on him; he has a good reason for being scared.
If we make someone the center of our universe too soon, that tells the person that our universe wasn’t that impressive, to begin with. Why would we otherwise allow a total stranger to take center place?
If he doesn’t feel like he has earned your love fair and square and anyways gets it, his attraction for you will diminish.
4. You were too needy
When you don’t feel good about yourself, you make other people responsible for your well-being.
You might not even be aware of the fact that you do this.
But if you feel your existence lacks things, this will seep through all your interaction. Even when you, at a surface level, try to please people and make their life’s better by cooking for them, giving them gifts anddoing them favors.
If you only do so to get love back, the love you do get will never be enough. You will demand energy from the people around you.
When we are needy, we take energy from the people around us
Taking care of you and making decisions for you, and giving you support is actually really exhausting for another human being.
Thus, if you are too needy, the attraction the guy feels for you will be on a steady decline.
The outcome will be that he withdraws from the relationship. This process takes place on a subconscious level as well as a conscious level.
His attraction declained as a result
The guy might not even have a conscious thought about you being needy. The only thing he feels is that his attraction for you diminish. When he withdraws from the relationship, he is actually acting in accordance with his feelings.
He will move on emotionally. And since his brain is also wired for love and connection, someone else might catch his eye.
You will be the one left with the question, why do guys always leave me for someone else?
5. You were too independent
You might not be needy at all.
The reason why guys always leave you for someone else might be the polar opposite. You might be too independent.
You kept your guard up
You didn’t open up enough. The two of you didn’t connect on a deep emotional level. Maybe you were too afraid to tell him about your feelings? Maybe you rejected him without even knowing that you rejected him? And he withdrew from “the falling in love” phase as a result of you not letting him in.
Guys also need to feel wanted and important. Compliments and appreciation will go a long way when it comes to making a man fall in love.
You have to let someone in for them to fall in love with you
When you are too independent compared to his needs, a man will experience that he doesn’t feel as connected to you as he would want to. As a result of this, he might withdraw. This makes you cling to your independence even stronger. The result will be that the budding relationship fades away.
To become more open to the people you do fall in love with, check out our article How to be more emotionally available.
You will never know the exact truth about why things didn’t work out
We will not know exactly what combination of traits it was that pushed this man away, so there is no need to speculate.
You can actually have been both too independent and too needy at the same time. When two people come together and manage to form a happy, stable relationship, it’s because their need for independence and intimacy matches in a fruitful way.
Attatchment styles
One reason why some relationships work out while others don’t comes down to our attachment styles. This charming lady does a lot of videos regarding attachment styles. So make sure you check her out to understand the concept better.
6. It’s not going to be a fairy tale with her either
You should not compare yourself with other people, especially not with your ex and their new girlfriend.
Our life, with all of its failures and victories, belongs to us. Our life doesn’t exist in relation to other people’s lives (regardless of what Instagram tells you).
The deeper you realize this profound truth, the stronger you will be in pursuing victories that are completely your own and don’t exist in relation to other people’s victories.
We don’t start at the same point. Life is not fair; some people have far greater struggles than others.
A very quick truth about his new relationship
With that caveat out of the way, let’s dive in and make a quick comparison between your relationship and his new relationship.
When a guy leaves you for someone else, it’s important to realize that all his problems and negative sides don’t evaporate from one day to the next.
The thing that hurts so much when a man chooses someone else over you is the thought that he will give everything to her that you wanted from him but never got.
He has not changed
This is not true. He will be the same fucked up version of himself as he was with you.
Quickly acknowledge this, accept it, and then move on to never again dwell on his new relationship.
If you need even more help to leave the whole story behind you, check out our guide on How to get over your ex fast.
Take a break from dating
If you had a rough time with what just happened, the best thing you can do is to take a break from romance.
When you are constantly pursuing your wish of having a relationship, you are actually deflecting yourself from dealing with other aspects of your life that need your attention.
You use love, and the potential for love, as a drug. And it is not working.
Take care of yourself
If you jump right back into dating without working on yourself, there is a big risk that you repeat the same negative patterns.
Consider trying therapy. We all need a bit of help to be able to see ourselves clearly.
Be dedicated to working on yourself
At the very least, make a game plan for how you want to make yourself and your life better. The only way to get a happy relationship is to be happy and fulfilled while being single.
It’s OK to want to fall in love, but if you approach this want from a point of weakness, you will make bad decisions and ignore red flags. Instead, work on the areas of your life that need improvement. Fall in love and choose men from a point of strength.
When you do start dating again, don’t be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. It takes a lot of trial and error to find the right relationship.
A Final Note
When someone leaves you to go and be with someone else, it hurts your ego.
In fact, it hurts your whole being.
You desperately want to believe that there is something wrong with him. He must be a terrible person.
You are correct; he is indeed damaged goods. You are better off without him. But the explanation doesn’t end there because there is something wrong with all of us. We are all damaged goods.
Ask the right question
What’s wrong with the guy in question is not especially interesting. He is out of your life now. You should keep him out of your life.
What’s wrong with you is a question worth answering, and whatever answer you decide on, you are worth working on improving.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
