Why do friends always drop me?

The 8 main reasons and the best tips on how to handle the situation

A friend who stops reaching out is painful. You don’t know if you have done anything wrong. If the same thing has happened before you are bound to start wondering “Why do friends always drop me?”

There are several reasons why this can happen. Friendships go through their own ebb and flow. Oftentimes, when we lose a dear friend, the reason is a combination of the reasons I have listed below. Your friends might not themselves be completely aware of the reason.

1. They are busy

Let’s get the easy one out of the way. When a friend drops you, don’t jump straight to the conclusion that you have done something wrong.

One of the main reasons why friendships fade out is that one person gets busier with work or school or something similar. People’s life change and as a result our friendship-map changes.

The reason your friend is MIA could be totally unrelated to your behavior. Don’t beat yourself up unnecessarily.

The solution

Give the friend in question some space. Focus on your other friends, or on building new friendships. With a bit of luck, your friend will come back when they have the time and energy necessary to sustain the friendship.

2. You didn’t bring enough value to the friendship

It sounds harsh, but human interaction is at its core about bringing value to each other’s life. Often, we forget this aspect and we might expect a lot from our friends without giving enough back.

If you have been relying a lot on your friends for emotional support, they probably felt like they gave more than they received.

You have to contribute

The same goes if you have been relying a lot on your friends for practical support. No one wants to feel taken advantage of. As a result, if you don’t pull your weight in the friendship, your friends start to drop you.

This mechanism can be completely sub-conscious

When it comes to friendships, we don’t keep score. So your friends might not make a conscious decision to stop investing in the friendship. But on a subconscious level, they feel like the friendship is too much work.

They become more and more withdrawn, and they might not know the reason themselves.

The solution

Start bringing more value to your friends’ life. Be there for them, listen and be mentally supportive. Also, make sure you contribute on a practical level.

You can do this even to a friend that completely stopped reaching out, for example send a book you know they would be interested in reading. It’s important that you start bringing more value without expecting anything in return.

3. They don’t need you the same way anymore

Friendship often forms out of a need.

People need company, they need someone to have fun with and they often need someone to pursue one of their hobbies together with.

You often meet and connect with a new friend on common ground, such as being colleagues or sharing a specific interest.

Another common reason is that both of you are single and have the need for extra emotional support. When your friends find themself in a new relationship, they might drop you.

Our needs change

Whatever brought you close to this friend can have the answer as to why this particular friend dropped you.

When you first become friends, your friend had a need for you. Maybe nowadays they have a partner or other friends that satisfy that same need. Or they simply don’t have that need anymore.

The solution

You can’t force a friendship.

If you yourself have a need for company and fun that this particular friend is not satisfying, it’s time to meet new friends. When it comes to friends, they often come and go as we go through life. You have to be prepared for this and be prepared to make new friends.

Check out our guide here, How to make new friends in your 30s.

4. The thing that connected you to the friend is gone

Friendship is different from other relationships in the sense that they often need common ground to thrive.

Friendship needs the two of you to have something to talk about.

Sure, you can still keep the friendship alive without this connecting tissue, but it takes a considerably more amount of work and not all people are prepared to put in that effort.

We change jobs and cities

If you had a job or some form of education in common, it’s not unusual that the friendship change when the exterior situation changes.

Your friend might also have lost interest in that thing that brought you together in the first place. This is one of the most common reasons when you ask why do friends always drop me?

The solution

If you value your friendship, you can try and find new common ground. Think about something both of you like doing (such as yoga classes) and suggest this activity to your friend. It should be something both of you can commit to doing regularly.

5. You started to annoy your friend

When it comes to friendship fallouts, it’s also possible that there is a specific thing about you that irritated your friend. This can be something in your behavior or political and religious views.

The honeymoon is over

It’s fairly common that we are more generous towards our friends at the beginning of a friendship. We go through a “honeymoon phase” with friends as well.

But as time goes by, we start to see our friends more clearly, and we start to see their patterns and shortcomings much more clearly. Not all friendships survive this phase.

The solution

If you don’t know what about you is annoying to your friend, time to put the question out there. Have a conversation, be vulnerable and say that you miss the friendship.

Do mention everything you liked and appreciated about the friendship. Then ask your friend if there is any specific reason why the two of you are not as close anymore.

Tell your friend that you will appreciate the honest feedback.

6. You are too needy

A lot of people are much needier than they think they are. They lack awareness of exactly how demanding and high-maintenance they are.

This is a classic reason when you ask, “Why do friends always drop me?”

It’s not easy being your friend

The answer, in a lot of cases, is simply going to be that you are too demanding. Being your friend is hard work. Maybe you always complain, maybe you always ask for advice but never take action.

Take a hard cold look at yourself and ask what it would be like to be your friend?

They stop reaching out

The thing about neediness is that your friend might not consciously think that you are too needy and that they, as a result, want to move away from the friendship. They simply don’t feel so attracted to the idea of being around you, they might not know why, but they do stop calling.

The solution

The antidote to neediness is to develop a strong relationship with yourself.

This task is a fun and fruitful endeavor. You need to strengthen your confidence. Basically, you need to get to know yourself and you need to learn to spend time alone with yourself and genuinely enjoy that time.

Become your own best friend

You need to learn to give all the things you would want from your friends to yourself. Be supportive of yourself, and do fun things alone with yourself.

7. You are too dismissive

This reason is less common but very important to mention.

Friendship is basically a long dance of bids for emotional intimacy. Your friend tells you something personal, you tell them something personal and the friendship keeps deepening. The two of you slowly build a fortress of shared experiences. This is how closeness between humans grows.

But at any stage, this process can come to a halt if not both of you are equally open and vulnerable.

Letting someone in is hard

If you know that you have a problem opening up and being vulnerable, you being too closed off is probably the reason why friends always drop you.

The solution

It’s ok to want to protect yourself and your inner world. Don’t beat yourself up. To be fiercely private is a trauma response.

But if you feel like you shut down or shut people out, try to work on being more open and vulnerable. It will feel scary, but if your friends are sweet genuine people, they will absolutely appreciate your effort. Slowly practice opening yourself up and sharing intimate truths about yourself.

8. Your friends found new friends

Sad but true, friendship just like anything else, exists in a world of competition. Maybe nothing is wrong with your friendship, your friend just found someone, or a group of people, they like even more.

This is not as strange as it might sound. Some people infatuate more with new people and in new groups of people.

Does your friend have many long-term friends?

If not, they might have a personality that makes them appreciate the newness and excitement that comes with a new connection. Those new friends will eventually be discarded just like you were. 

The solution

In the end, you have to accept things for what they are and your friends for whom they are. The beauty of friendship is the endless possibilities to make new friends. Sure, this takes a bit of effort, but it is also fun.

To not make the same mistake twice, check out my article The secrets to strong friendships.

A Final Note

Strong friendships are a vital part of being happy. Strong friendship also takes effort and dedication. Just like any relationship, both parties have to be prepared to put in the work.

Finding the right friends take time. Often we just keep a few friends over the course of our life.

Be mindful of your own behavior, but don’t be hard on yourself. I’m sure you are an excellent friend since you are emotionally aware to even ask the question “Why do friends always drop me.”

You will find friends who will cherish you.