Why can’t I forget him?

We tackle this fascinating question once and for all

I think we all have someone from our past; it could be an ex-boyfriend, someone you briefly dated, or just someone you had a huge crush on, and despite the time that has passed, you think about him almost daily. And you ask yourself: why can’t I forget him?

Let’s dig deep into our emotional inner life and try to answer this question. I will also give you a couple of tips and strategies on how to get him out of your mind.

The short answer is as follows:

1. It’s not about him, it’s about you. He is just a placeholder for feelings you haven’t yet worked through.
2. He is truly a special human being and the two of you connected in a deep and unusual way.
3. You keep daydreaming about him, thus feeding into your addiction to him.
4. Because you don’t think you deserve to be in love with someone who is equally crazy about you.
5. You use your love for him as an emotional shield to keep yourself from getting hurt.

My personal story

At my last job, I had a huge crush on my boss. He was just so sexy and charming, and the forbidden aspect probably put fuel on that fire.

I know it’s such a cliché. I feel embarrassed even mentioning it. Basically, my erotic fantasies run like a cheap porno. Late night meeting at his office, leaning closer together, and yeah, you can imagine the rest.

It has been five years; he doesn’t want me. I have dated other men since; I have fallen in love. To be honest with you, this ex-boss of mine isn’t even good-looking. As for his personality, I couldn’t tell you. Because the sad fact is that I don’t know him, I don’t know what he is like.

We come from different worlds

What I do know is that we don’t have much in common. Our lives are completely different. He is a family man. I am an adventurer and surfer.

I have such a great life. Everything I do I really love and have lots of passion for, so my weird addiction has nothing to do with a lack of excitement about my reality.

Granted, I don’t have a boyfriend and when I finally find someone, I hope to put this man (this stranger) on the shelf.

It’s not the first time I struggle to forget someone

The funny thing is, when I was in my twenties, I had a huge obsession with another man. For a couple of years, I watched him from a distance. Learning small details about him from common friends.

One night he was alone in a bar and I sat down next to him; we started talking and flirting. After that night, we had an on-and-off relationship for five years. He didn’t give me what I wanted, and I walked away from the relationship many times. But I just couldn’t get him out of my mind.

He was like a ghost, always standing next to me.

In my mind, we had imaginary conversations.

I kissed him a thousand times, in my dreams.

It could be limerence

Regardless of how many relationships I had and how many men I dated, I kept fantasizing about him all the time.

I mention this because I think it’s important to remember that the whole thing is less about him and more about you. If it weren’t him, it would probably be another man who plagues your daydreams. The longing is about you, and he is just the face of your desire.

If you had a similar experience, I recommend checking out our article about Limerence. Limerence – everything you need to know. This term explains a lot.

It works the other way around as well

On a slightly different note, the man I dated for nine months just contacted me. He told me that he really liked me and that everything that happened between us still meant a lot to him. He hoped we could have a future together.

In fact, he had just had another relationship and he said it didn’t work out because he kept thinking about me. He sent me lots of songs to explain his feelings for me and asked me if it was all in his head.

He wanted me to know how he felt

I told him it wasn’t all in his head. Our short relationship was strong and special.

I thought it was brave of him to reach out and tell me how he felt. When I turned him down, he said he had expected that outcome but that he still wanted me to know.

To be honest with you, I also thought that he was emotionally unavailable.

His feelings for me might be true. but they are also a way of avoiding a real relationship. Ask yourself if the reason you can’t forget your demon is something similar?

Are you avoiding being hurt by being stuck in the past? Read our article about How to be more emotionally available.

My ex-boyfriend can’t forget me

I have another similar story. After two years apart, my ex-boyfriend called me and said he was still in love with me. He hadn’t found anyone else, and his feelings for me hadn’t changed. (I was the one who broke up with him.)

Our relationship lasted four years and consisted of some truly epic moments, so I was empathic to his feelings. But we both knew I needed to move on.

If you want to forget him, Tell him how you feel

The reason why I mention all of this is two-folded. One thing is that you could actually reach out to this person.

In my text How to get over your crush I recommend getting a rejection. Often we hold on to someone from the past because we haven’t been properly rejected. We still have that glimmer of hope that we will get this person. You have to kill that hope, once and for all.

The truth might set you free

Tell him about your feeling, in a text or an email and hear what he has to say. You have nothing to lose. You are already obsessed with him. You being honest to him and to yourself might be the magic trick that finally sets you free.

Do you need more support? Check out our article Should I tell him how I feel or walk away?

I also mention those two exes because it is fascinating to think that you are this special person in someone else’s fantasies. They struggle to get over you.

Maybe we are all in a constant struggle to get over someone? And when we aren’t, it’s a bit boring not to have feelings.

Feelings stay for a long time, but they can also disappear quickly

How did I finally get over that man that I had kept lusting over for half a decade?

It was a combination of two things. I was fed up with his avoidant personality and I met my ex-boyfriend.

Basically, I finally managed to fall in love with someone else, and this occurrence was pure magic. It only took me five minutes to free myself from all my thoughts about my dark passenger.

I finally got over him

For the next four years, I rarely thought about him at all.

I had similar experiences at other times, and I think it’s important to remember that finally getting over someone is, once it happens, usually a very quick occurrence.

You snap out of your obsession.

Arrange a meeting to forget about him

Sometimes we build up someone in our head. He takes enormous proportions. The best remedy for this is to arrange a meeting. Ask him if he wants to go for a coffee. Mind-blowing, I know.

In your mind, he is probably this sexy, charismatic superhuman.

In reality, he might be pretty boring. Honor your feelings and find out the truth.

If he doesn’t want to meet, that is a form of rejection that can help you on your mission to finally get over him.

If he is already taken

Have you fallen for someone who is already in a relationship?

I understand your frustration. In this case, there is nothing you can do, except for staying away and try to forget about him.

If this is your situation, it’s important that you don’t see him at all and cut him from all social media. Be vigilant about erasing him from everything. If you share the same job, change your workplace. Distance is key to getting over someone who is already taken.

He might be encouraging you

Many people encourage other people’s crushes and demand their love without planning to ever give anything in return.

They do this just so that they can feel a bit better about themselves. This is destructive toxic behavior. In plain English, what I’m saying is that he is an asshole, and he has led you on and he doesn’t deserve your obsession.

Some people are just special

Let’s take a look at a situation that’s the polar opposite of the one mentioned above.

Your strange love might also be a beautiful thing.

You know what, some people just have the ability to stay with us for a really long time.

Love is beautiful

They live on in our memory and fantasies long after they have left our lives. There is not much we can do about this other than acceptance. Accept that this person had a strong impact on you. Don’t fight your feelings. Feel whatever you want and be totally OK with never forgetting this person and just have them as a ghost beside you.

Joanna Trollope said: “Part of getting over it is knowing that you will never get over it.”

Try not to indulge in your daydreams

On the other hand, the most recommended strategy to get someone out of your mind is to try and not think about them.

Every time you allow yourself to dream about this person, you give yourself an injection of the drug. You become more addicted to him, not less.

Consider your fantasies similar to taking a cigarette when you want to stop smoking. Or having a drink if you are an alcoholic; not a good idea. Every time you take a dose of your drug of choice, you prolong the addiction.

keep your mind strong

When you are tempted to think about him, replace those thoughts with other thoughts. Think about things you want to achieve in your life and how you should go about achieving them. I’m not going to lie, this strategy will take some serious willpower.

To succeed, you have to have self-discipline.

But if you suffer over the fact that you can’t forget him, you have to stop the suffering and continue with your life. Keep your eyes on the price.

Take a critical look at yourself

I want to be clear that not every obsession says something negative about you.

As we go through life, a handful of people will have a big impact on us. They will shape who we become and our relationship with ourselves and the world. This is only natural. The fact that people affect your life is a beautiful thing and something you should cherish.

Having this said, to be able to forget someone, you have to take a critical look at yourself.

What kind of deep need in you is this person fulfilling? Is it an unmet need from your childhood?

Why do you have such a strong need to flee from reality by having these intense daydreams and fantasies?

The answer to those questions will help you to get over him. I can promise you as much.

A Final note

I think asking yourself, “why can’t I forget him” is the first step to getting over him. As you look for the answer to this question, you will grow stronger and more self-aware. In this process, be gentle towards yourself and practice self-acceptance.

Ultimately your obsession with him is not about him. It is about you.