Why am I attached to someone who doesn’t want me? -Top 6 reasons

Plus 4 solid strategies to detach once and for all

You like this guy a lot, he is charming, caring and overall a really interesting guy. The two of you seem to have great chemistry, at least on your part. There is only one problem; he doesn’t feel the same way. You realize, logically, that it’s time to move on. But emotionally you are still stuck. You keep asking yourself; why am I so freaking attached to someone who doesn’t want me?

You feel safe being unhappily in love

The answer might surprise you, maybe even insult you. Because the truth is that when you fall into the trap of unrequited love it is about you, not him.

You have a sub-conscious comfort zone around not being loved.

One part of you feels familiar, maybe even comfortable, with not having your feelings reciprocated. You subconsciously feel safe. Maybe you even feel in control.

He is not the man for you

The logical part of you realizes that the situation is not healthy. You deserve better. In your thoughts, you want a mutually loving relationship. You want a boyfriend, not late-night unhappiness.

Still, you have this strong pull towards the person of your affection. It almost feels like your soul is giving you no choice in the matter, the attachment is so strong.

It’s a common problem

We have all been there. Falling for someone who seems to be perfect in every way, fun, adventurous, sexy, but who doesn’t share our feelings.

I get a lot of questions about being unhappily in love. I get it. It happens to the best of us. Walking away from magic is not easy. When you find someone truly special, you want to hold on.

I hope the explanation behind your attachment will set you free.

1. You are afraid of real love

When you are attached to someone who fundamentally doesn’t want you, it is because part of you doesn’t want real mutual love. For you, being in a relationship is associated with painful memories.

But since falling in love and experiencing desire is such a natural instinct, your subconscious is trying to get the need for love and connection satisfied in a safe way.

The answer as to why you are attached to someone who doesn’t want you, is really that simple. You are unwillingly doing it to yourself.

Attachment-theory

I know this can be hard to accept if it’s the first time you hear it. Further down, I will look into the other reasons and help you see the fuller picture.

But I bet you instinctively know it’s the right answer; something deep inside you shun away from mutual love.  

You can also look into attachment theory to gain more knowledge about why you feel the way you feel. I strongly recommend Thais, she has helped a lot of people understand themselves.

1. You don’t trust yourself

Relationships are about trust. To start with, you have to trust that your partner will treat you with love and respect. You have to trust your ability to pick the right partner. (I’m struggling with this one, raise your hand if you always pick the wrong man.)

You lose yourself in relationships

What many people don’t realize is that relationships also require you to have a good relationship with yourself. You need strong boundaries to not lose yourself in a relationship. You might not like who you become in a relationship. Even a normal healthy relationship will trigger behavior that you might not want.

You made mistakes in the past

Or you have previous bad experiences with a partner who didn’t treat you with respect. Both alternatives will lead you to being attached to someone who doesn’t want you. Unrequited love is safe love.

2. You see a fantasy version of him

You are probably telling yourself that the guy you are attached to is special.

On top of that, you haven’t met anyone like him in years. Its not like you are overflowing in choices. Maybe you have never felt like this before, your love for him feels so real.

The connection the two of you share is powerful and unique. He really gets you.

Ultimately you have to realize that you see him in a rose-tinted light. Check out our article How to get over your cruch, to shatter some of that romance.

You don’t need to deal with a real relationship

By choosing him, you are keeping yourself safe against all the pitfalls of a real relationship.

Fantasizing about someone you don’t really know allows you to get small doses of love and connection. He satisfies a need within you, but it’s not the best way to satisfy your need for love.

3. Unrequited love is an addiction

When we fall in love, our bodies release a nice exciting hormone cocktail. Love makes us high. This is one of the reasons why you fall in love. Those hormones just feel so dam good. Another reason is that we are biologically programmed to find a partner and mate. This process is deeply ingrained in our blueprint.

So, when you are attached to someone who doesn’t want you, you are, to a certain extent, a victim of your own biology.

Our culture promotes romantic love

A third reason is our cultural heritage, everywhere we go, we are bombarded with love and love stories. Love is the meaning of life. (At least according to Hollywood.)

No wonder you get addicted to someone who doesn’t want you. There are so many great songs and narratives about longing and lust. You are safe in the cradle of pop culture.

4. You have negative stories about relationships

Our automatic thoughts shape our reality.

If you find yourself pinning for someone who doesn’t share your feelings, most likely you have negative thoughts about relationships and your abilities to sustain a healthy loving relationship.

Examples are;

I will be alone forever.

Men are cheaters and liars.

Relationships don’t work out and they usually end in tears.

I’m not meant to be in a relationship.

Those are just examples, you will have your own negative automatic thoughts, unique to your situation and your past.

Those thoughts are acting as a self-fulfilling prophesy so that you are stuck being single against your will. Or moving from one unfulfilling relationship to the next.

5. Unrequited love is an escape

This is a bitter pill to swallow, but I know you need to hear it.

Every minute you keep thinking about him is a minute you are abandoning yourself.

Being with ourselves is hard. To stay present in our own body and our own reality is for most people deeply unpleasant and we spend our whole lives distracting ourselves from this very simple thing.

If you have ever tried meditating, you understand what I’m talking about.

Self-abandonment

Our mind looks for escape routes wherever it can find those. Your love-interest is just another of those escape routes. Daydreaming about him keeps you from thinking about those pain points that exist in your own life.  

If it wasn’t him, it would be someone else or something else. He is the symptom but not the sickness.

6. He expresses your repressed traits

What is it you like about him? In what ways is he special? What does he give you that no one else gives you?

The answer to these questions will give you the answer as to you why you are attached to him when he doesn’t want you. Of all the men out there, you choose him.

When we fall in love with someone our choice is not random. There is a reason you and your subconscious choose him. He has something you want.

What is it you want from him?

Maybe he seems confident, or happy, or like he has his shit together?

Whatever qualities you desire in him are the qualities you feel you don’t have enough of.

When we choose a partner, we make that choice to gain something we perceive that we don’t have. Maybe you feel unsafe and you long for his protection (This is the reason for many toxic relationships.)

7. He tricked you

We have taken a long hard look at you. I bet some of those truths felt uncomfortable.

Now we are going to spend one short point on him.

Whenever you are in love with someone who doesn’t want you, he has encouraged you.

The only exception to this is if you love a movie star, (or someone you never met,) then your love story is truly only about you.

He might not consciously have encouraged you. But I do find that most guys encourage women to fall in love with them in these kinds of situations.

He do have feelings for you

Most likely he also has some small feelings for you. This warrants a whole article on its own. You can check out or in-depth guide Signs he is fighting his feelings for you, to understand him better.

In the meantime, I just wanted to acknowledge that he is not completely innocent.

I also want you to ask yourself what it says about him and his level of self-love, that he has encouraged you to fall in love with him, despite the fact that he doesn’t plan to take your relationship anywhere.

4 solid strategies to detach once and for all

Now that you have a pretty good grasp of the problem, it’s time to look at the solutions.

1. Understand why you get stuck

The key to freedom lies in understanding yourself.

If you understand what your subconscious is trying to achieve, you can give those things to yourself. Maybe you long for him because you want more adventure in your life?

The first step to freedom is to break out pen and paper and journal about him, you and the relationship. Do this every morning or every evening for around a month. Be free when you write, get to know yourself.

Write down who you are

Get to know yourself by examining all your automatic thoughts, all your stressful thoughts and also all your love.

He is a compass that shows you to yourself. Being unhappily in love is a map of what you need more about in your life.

2. Start developing other sides of yourself

The first thing you need is more love and connection. By daydreaming about him, you are giving yourself small boosts of those two things. But it is simply not enough.

Instead, ask yourself what a loving relationship would look like to you. Would he hold you? Make cook you a healthy delicious dinner? Listen to your deepest thoughts?

Do those things to yourself and with yourself. Be present with yourself.

It might feel gimmicky at first, but after a couple of weeks, you will start thriving on the love you give yourself.

End negative self-talk

When we have a negative inner monologue or just a very fearful inner monologue, we actively take away our love.

We feel less loved (naturally) and we also don’t feel safe.

Think about it, if you had a friend who followed you around and pointed out how lazy and stupid you were, you would not feel safe.

Yet, many of us do exactly this to ourselves.

We deprive ourselves of love and then we try to get it back by externally focusing on someone else and hoping he can give us back all the love we are actually taking away from ourselves.

3. Realize that you do have those qualities

Whatever you admire about him, you also have those qualities yourself. You have just repressed them or failed to nourish them enough.

You can change this. Do you need a better career? More safety in your life?

Whatever you long to get from him, or through him, you can give that to yourself.

Think about the qualities he has that you admire. Then think about all the ways you already posse those very same qualities.

You can also do this exercise as a writing exercise.

But foremost use it to reprogram your brain. Every time you think about how beautiful he is, change your thought pattern. Slowly meditate about everything that is beautiful with you.

4. Write down all his negative sides

One part of the problem is that when you are dreaming about someone, you don’t see the real them. You build them up in your head, you also create them to suit your own needs.

In your mind, he is warm, generous and totally smitten by you.

To get over him you need to take a long hard look at reality.

Who is he really?

Write down all the sides of him you don’t like. Also, write down all the ways he treats you that you don’t like. Shatter the rose-tinted picture and you will be free.

What you are doing is giving your mind a more balanced picture.

Every time you want to think of him in a romantic way, replace your thought with a more realistic thought.

It doesn’t have to be overly negative; it can just be; He is not ready for the kind of deep intimate relationship I want.

A Final Note

Being attached to someone who doesn’t want you is a tricky situation. It’s painful. You are torn between hope and despair.

You want to hold on, but you also want to move on.

If you practice the tips I have given you, you will get to the other side of the tunnel. Seasons come to pass.

See him as a lesson and as a chance to deepen the relationship you have with yourself.