Plus how to spot your need-to-have qualities
Let’s go on a shopping spree, only this time we are going to shop for the qualities of our future man. Everything is possible. You can choose and pick, and get everything you desire. There are no limits. The right man should be compatible with you, he should also compliment you. Check out my 23 top qualities you should be looking for in a man. Pick your favorites. Happy hunting.
1. Loving
A romantic relationship is about love. It’s about feeling loved and being with a partner who knows how to be in love. Thus, I would argue that being a loving person is one of the most important things you should be looking for in a man.
Loving people are usually sweet towards everyone around them. You should be able to feel his capacity to show love in the dating phase of the relationship.
You can also check how loving he is towards himself; people who have a loving relationship with themselves are often better at spreading love.
2. Self-confident
People who feel safe in their own skin are often much easier to be around. Self-confidence comes with a lot of good side effects, such as harmony and following through on promises. A self-confident person is generally more loving and more stable. They don’t create drama.
Insecurities wreak havoc in a lot of relationships, especially after the initial honeymoon phase. Read my article Signs of insecurity in a man, and you will become much better at recognizing a confident man when you see one.
3. A good communicator
There are people who claim that good communication is the key to a thriving romantic relationship. It should definitely be one of your top 5 qualities when you ask yourself what you are looking for in a man. I think we can all agree that communication is the foundation for a lot of things, especially in a romantic relationship.
Is he a good listener?
Check how your date treats small disagreements between the two of you? Does he close up, does he change the subject? You can tell how good someone will be at communicating around bigger issues by the way he handles small hurdles. You can also ask yourself if you feel heard by him.
Is he expressive when it comes to his feeling? Does he ask about your feelings and seek to understand your point of view?
A lot of obstacles can be overcome in a relationship. But the way to handle problems is usually by communicating. So, if the communication is bad, there will be no resolutions and lots of unnecessary misunderstandings.
4. Intelligent
I can’t help it; this quality is one of my top 5 when we ask ourselves what you are looking for in a man.
Let’s see if you agree.
I love a good debate. I love a man who is curious and who likes to explore philosophy and psychology. Being intelligent is about how we interact with the world; it manages our approach. Most intelligent people are successful. They know that you always have to keep learning.
Few things are sexier than a deep and interesting discussion. How intelligent someone is, is reflected in all areas of their life. It’s the force behind every good decision they make for themself.
What kind of intelligence is important to you?
Intelligence comes in many different forms. So, when you date a guy, you just have to ask if his strand of intelligence is what you are looking for. You can easily spot an intelligent man by the fact that he is well-educated and has an easy time seeing things from other people’s points of view. And the fact that he enjoys a good intellectual debate.
5. A sense of humor that matches yours
This sweet life of ours is sometimes hard. The one thing that makes any difficult situation more bearable is a sense of humor. Most women want a man who is funny. We love to laugh.
Most people are funny in their own way, humor is individual. What you should be looking for is someone who gets your jokes and who makes you laugh.
He should get you
You want a guy who can tease you and whom you can have fun with, right? This is one of the most important qualities when you ask yourself what you are looking for in a man.
Humor is such an important quality because it plays into all areas of life. You would also want him to get your jokes. No scrap that; he should think that you are one of the funniest people he has ever met.
6. Sharing the same values
Many women overlook this very important measurement of combability. A relationship simply cannot work, in the long term, if the two of you don’t have a lot of shared values.
Values also often conflict with each other. That’s why couples often disagree about things that, in the end, come down to values.
Examples of values
Values could be: only spending money you have, working hard, and being kind towards strangers. Contributing to your community even if it takes time away from your family.
Do ask your dates about their values and don’t forget to reflect on your own; this will save you a lot of heartache down the road. If you want more important questions to consider when you have been on a couple of dates, read my article How do you know if you are dating the right person?
7. Playful
Many women would disagree about the importance of this quality. But when I’m forced to motivate why I prefer one man over another, it often comes down to this simple quality.
I love sports and I love a sense of childish excitement in all areas of life. I love goofing around.
Playful people are also often more easygoing, which I prefer. They can roll with the punches.
A man who has a serious approach to every area of life is simply not for me.
8. Wanting the same things in life
When you ask what to look for in a man, I think most people would agree that a similar vision for the future is very important. You want to have shared goals. You want to have dreams that match each other.
Travel a lot or work a lot? Having an amazing career or a lot of freedom? Having a lot of money or a lot of children?
There is a reason why the question “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” is popular both on dates and when hiring. You will find out a lot about your date by asking this question or similar questions. Those answers will absolutely help you answer the question if he is the right man for you.
9. Having a day-to-day life that matches yours
We can all have big dreams for our future. In fact, we should. But when you meet a man, you should also be observant of how he lives his life here and now. Is he a workaholic? A happy-go-lucky man who is a bit lazy? Does he go to the gym every day? Does he love to hang out with his friends?
How someone spends their days will tell you a lot about which qualities they do have.
Observe what he is doing and ask yourself if that matches how you want to spend your time. You want to be with someone who is similar enough to you for things to work in the long run.
10. In a good place in his life
Strictly speaking, this might not be a quality, since it comes down to outside factors. But a man is usually only ready to settle down if he is at a good place in his life. Is he happy with his career? Is he satisfied with the things he has achieved up to this point?
If he is happy with his life also tells you a lot about his other qualities, such as his ability to plan and follow through.
11. Curious
Curiosity is such a great quality, I just had to pick it for my top 20. Is it on your list as well? If you pick a man who is not curious enough, your relationship might stagnate.
You also want him to be curious about you and to keep being curious to discover new things about you, years from now.
Being curious makes life fun. It means you and your man constantly will have new things to talk about. He will pick up new books and learn new things and he will continue to evolve as a human.
12. Being wealthy
This quality might be a bit disputed. But I know many women prefer their men to be successful. Money means safety for many of us. Because of this, I wrote an article on How to find and attract a high-value man.
Wealth makes everything else in life easier. It makes having children easier, it makes being sick easier.
If you are free to pick whatever qualities you are looking for in a man, it would be foolish not to pick wealth. If we are honest, a man who can make it in this world is sexy.
13. Having a matching sexuality
Speaking of sex. I don’t know about you, but this area has certainly been an issue in some of my previous relationships.
A mismatched sex drive is a bit of a breaking point in many relationships, so it’s important to put this quality on the list.
The importance of sex makes sense when you consider that in most relationships, sex is the thing we only do inside our romantic relationship. Sex is the one thing we promise to solemnly receive from our partner. We can get humor, intellectual conversation and love, from our friends. We cannot get sex. (Well, in most cases.)
If you love sex, you want a man who feels the same way.
14. Generous
No point in getting your hands on a wealthy man if he isn’t also generous 😉
Generosity is sexy. This quality plays an important part in many areas of our life. A generous man will be generous with warmth, love and presence. With a bit of luck, he will cook for you, give you gifts and always finding new ways to improve your life. Not only will he be naturally generous, he will enjoy himself treating you to everything that makes life great.
Many people are cheap and stingy out of fear. That’s fine, but when you are shopping for your future, I would absolutely advise including generosity.
15. Kindness
I think we all have the capacity to distinguish a kind, sweet man from someone who is a little less kind. A less kind man often is so because he is self-centered.
There is just something with kind guys that gets me every time. I find it sexy. In fact, I have never been a bad boy hunter. If you are, this might be the time to consider what you are signing up for.
A kind man will treat you respectfully, he will schedule dates ahead of time and always call you back. Kindness is surprisingly easy to detect, and now when you have put it on the list on what you are looking for in a man, I think you will find yourself being attracted to this important quality.
16. Empathic
You want your future beau to be able to see things from your point of view. You probably also want him to have a big heart and care about social injustice. There is just something very endearing about an empathic man. He seems wise and connected to his feelings. Caring is attractive. Depending on how big of a heart you yourself has, you might want to put this quality higher up.
17. Authentic
Authenticity is not a quality that is easy to narrow down.
But I suggest you take some time to reflect on what it means.
People often ask me how they can become more attractive; this is one of the top tips I give them; work on being more authentic. Check out my other tips here
You know it when you see it
You usually instantly recognize authenticity when you meet it. Take, for example, a restaurant that comes across as authentic; the food is made with care and the staff is happy and proud to be working there.
When it comes down to meeting a man who knows himself and who knows what is important to him, authenticity is of uttermost importance. This should be one of the things you are looking for in a man.
Authenticity is about how true we are to ourselves. Are we in tune with our feelings? Do we listen to our needs? Are we proud of our truths?
18. Self-aware
This is another interesting quality that recruiters often try to figure out from their candidates. And you should do the same with your future man.
We all have shortcomings and problem areas that need our attention. The question is how self-aware is your date around the things he is lacking?
Let me just put it out there; it is much easier to have a conflict with someone who is self-aware.
Being self-aware often goes hand in hand with personal growth. Ask your date about his struggles and you will find out exactly how high he scores on the self-aware scale.
19. Positive
I could have put this quality in the top 5. I admit (since I’m also self-aware) that I have a hard time with negativity. If someone complains, whines and constantly view life as full of troubles, I immediately withdraw.
Optimism, on the other hand, is a real turn-on for me. I think I associate it with personal strength. Anyone who can take life’s hardship and still view the glass as half full is someone I want in my life.
A positive person is usually brave and has a joy of life that is contagious. You would want that, right?
20. Integrity
When we ask about the values we are looking for in a man, I’m sure many of us would bring up integrity. So, let’s take a look at what it means and why it’s so important.
A person who has integrity will always keep his word. He will be trustworthy and able to be your rock in an unpredictable world.
You can easily check how much integrity your new man has by watching how good he is at keeping his word. Someone who has integrity usually knows where they stand in political questions as well as in moral questions.
21. Willingness to work on things
My favorite therapist says this quality is the one thing she is looking for in her couple council practice. To move forward, she needs the willingness to work on the problems. Nothing is un-resolvable, just as long as you are willing to try and fix it.
If you are looking for a long-term relationship, maybe even marriage, you should consider this quality.
22. Depth
This is yet another one of my favorites. When I tell friends and lovers why I like them, this is a quality I keep coming back to. Being able to have a deep conversation goes to the heart of human connection. For me, that is how we connect.
Maybe because I’m an introvert, I often feel like people spend too much time on surface-level questions. The weather being the top subject, with housing prices coming in as a clear second.
I rather go deep, and I know I like to go deep often. My future man needs to be able to buckle up and joining the trip down to Inferno.
23. Vulnerability
You might not have noticed, but vulnerability is one of the building blocks when it comes to creating closeness. This holds true both on a date and between friends. We are often the most vulnerable with our closest friends.
When someone shares their difficulties, you feel closer to them. You feel like you get to know the real them. They give you a chance to see their nakedness and glimpse things not everyone gets access to. This, often undervalued, quality should make it onto your list when you ask what you should be looking for in a man.
Vulnerability is also about being able to express your feelings.
A Final Note
Are you still unsure about what you are looking for in a man? No need to worry; figuring out your needs takes time. Often our past relationships (friendships as well) make us realize what we value in a relationship.
To come up with more qualities that would be crucial for you, you can ask yourself what you liked about your ex-boyfriends? You can also ask yourself what you appreciate the most in your friends?
This way, you will find out what is important to you.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
