We act like a couple, but we are not official

We explain the situation and tell you exactly what to do

Your new man is fantastic. The two of you spend almost all your free time together. He treats you with love and respect. You have lots of fun every time you hang out, as well as long deep conversations. Everything seems to be going great, except for one tiny detail.

He doesn’t want to make it official

He doesn’t want to put a label on the relationship. So, now know you are stuck in the no-man’s-land where you act like a couple but are not official. You are probably asking yourself what it means when a guy doesn’t want to put a label on your relationship? You are also wondering if it’s important to have a label in a relationship?

I will answer those questions and also tell you exactly how you should act and what you should say to deal with the situation the right way.  

The Truth Behind A Guy That Doesn’t Want to Label Your Relationship

Let’s first look at the different reasons a guy would act like the two of you are a couple but still not want to call you his girlfriend. By understanding him, you will be better equipped to deal with the situation.

There is really just a handful of reasons why he would act this way.

1. He is still evaluating if he wants to move forward with you.
2. He is afraid of commitment.
3. He wants commitment, but not with you.
4. He is content with things exactly the way they are, so there is no need for labels.  

His reasons are pretty straight forwards and simple

So, when you wonder why you act like a couple but are not official, don’t get stuck trying to find a complicated answer. The answer, in most cases, is a combination of the four reasons above.

He might already know what he wants with you

You should take a moment and think about the difference between the first reason and the third reason. Because he could already know that you are not the right person for him, but he likes you just enough to keep you around for the moment being. Ugh. You don’t want that.

But that is one of the reasons why he would allow the two of you to act like a couple but not make things official.

How to make someone fall in love with you

If you suspect that might be the reason, check out our article How to make someone fall in love with you, because the feeling we have for someone at this moment is not the feeling we will have for that person in the future. Feelings change. That’s the good news.

Men need more time before they are ready for commitment

Developing feelings, generally speaking, takes a longer time for men than for women.

So, when he says that he doesn’t want to label the relationship, he can still come around and become your boyfriend.

Commitment is a decision

This process has happened to countless couples. The man hesitated in the beginning. He took things slow. But he did come around, and now they are one happy couple.

Sometimes it’s even the other way around. The woman is unsure. But eventually, she decides to commit.

Don’t compromise when it comes to your needs

The problem is that if he senses that you want an official relationship but that you are willing to overlook that want of yours to satisfy him, he will lose respect for you.

His attraction for you will decrease. This will happen on a subconscious level and is nothing you should blame him for. Self-esteem is an attractive quality. By compromising on an important need, you show him that your self-esteem is lacking.

So, when this situation occurs, you definitely need to do something.

Find out why he doesn’t want to put a label on things

A surprisingly easy solution to this situation that many women shy away from is to simply ask. If you haven’t had a real and honest conversation about what the two of you are and where you see the relationship going, then it’s about time. Ask him why you act like a couple but are not official.

Approach the subject from the viewpoint of curiosity. Find out which behaviors and expectations your man associates with the labels of being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Be honest and vulnerable

Be very clear with what you are looking for. By asking for what you want, you might scare him away, but if this is the case, he was a lost cause to begin with. He was never yours to have.

If you manage to be vulnerable and true to yourself, you will respect yourself more. Vulnerability is an important component of deep human connection. Check out this Ted Talk for inspiration, by Brené Brown, before you have The Talk.

What to say to solve this situation

The clearer you can be when it comes to expressing your needs and wishes without sounding bitter or demanding, the more he will respect you.

The important thing is that he senses on a deep level that you don’t want him at every cost. You want a man who will be able to give you what you want and be on the same page as you. You want the right man, not just any man.

If you can communicate this in a clear, non-judgmental way, he might realize that you are worth it. He might step up his game and become that man.

How to act in this situation

The conversation is one part of how to handle this situation. Your actions are another important part. It’s of absolute importance that your words line up with your actions.

After you have had the conversation take a step back, give him the space and the freedom to make a decision that is truly his own.

If you want him to both act like a couple and make things official, the decision to do so must be his own.

Step away from the intimacy

If you are sleeping with him, stop sleeping with him. Just because you have handed out sex in the past doesn’t mean you have to continue doing so. If you want a committed relationship, sex should be a part of that committed relationship.

It should not be something you hand out to try and get a committed relationship.

Emotionally unavailable men

According to his words, he is asking for a causal relationship, do treat the relationship as a casual relationship.

Knock him down from your priority list. Some men are emotionally unavailable, and it’s important to learn more about how this works.

Read our article Confessions of an emotionally unavailable man. You will understand a lot more.

Don’t give him too much of your time

If you are always giving as much of yourself as he wants, he doesn’t have an incitement for making you his. He already has you.

So, for example, if he wants to spend three days a week together, give him one day. Don’t always answer his calls and messages. Let him wonder where you are and what you are up to.

Some people are like an addiction

Does this all sound like you are playing a game to get a relationship? You don’t want to become a master chess player to get him to become your boyfriend.

I agree.

There is another equally important technique you can and should implement. This technique is about you and who you are.

Focus on yourself

Instead of trying to play him and win him, turn your focus back on yourself. The truth is that this relationship of yours is not about him. It’s about you.

Ask yourself why you feel so drawn to this particular man? Why do you want someone to be your boyfriend, despite the fact that he doesn’t want you to be his girlfriend? What destructive part inside you get high out of the dynamic?

You are responsible for part of the fact that he acts like you are a couple, but don’t make want to make things official.

Ask yourself hard questions

When we are afraid of a real committed serious relationship, we often subconsciously choose people who will not give us a real committed serious relationship. You, my friend, have just made one of those choices.

You picked him. Question your reasons, and you might want him a lot less.

Check out our article How to stop being desperate if you want to know how to work on your self-esteem.

He can also just be afraid

By now, if you have made it so far, you are probably in a protesting mood. If we were in the same room, you would tell me everything that makes this particular man the most amazing man you have ever met.

You would tell me how great he treats you, how good of a listener he is, how much fun the two of you have together. I get it. He makes you laugh.

You might even say that you have never felt this strongly before.

He deserves all the feelings you are giving him. He might not want to call you his girlfriend, but he treats you exactly like a girlfriend.

He is in love with you

And you know what? You are right. He does like you. He does want you.

There is a version of this story where the two of you end up together. Your patience unlocks all his earlier traumas. He finally realizes exactly how strong your connection is and how much you bring to his life. He makes the commitment.

Let me end our little discussion by assuring you that this outcome is much more likely if you follow the advice, I handed out above.

You should be the one setting boundaries that work for you

Another good way of checking what’s going on is to think about what advice you would give your best friend. If it was her and not you who dated this guy, how would you advise her to handle the situation?

Now, go ahead and take that advice.

We often put up with more shit towards ourselves than what we would accept for a friend.

You should be evaluating him, not trying to win him over by compromising on your needs. Read our article How to know if you are dating the right person? Be honest with what he brings to the table.

A final note

Staying with a guy is ultimately about listening to your feelings and what your inner voice tells you. Some people do need a bit of extra time.

If you could be that person, that’s great. But this should not be at the cost of your authenticity and your integrity. If you want a relationship with clear labels, you should stand up for yourself. Don’t settle for a relationship where you act like a couple, but are not official

You should respect your own need. Because it’s only when we respect ourselves, we get the respect we deserve from the people around us.

He might come around. He might not come around. The important thing is that you stay true to yourself.