The Art Of Being Single – How To Stop Wanting A Relationship

9 life-changing strategies to get peace of mind

I feel you. The itchy longing for love and the sad desperate loneliness gets to me as well. Especially late at night. I have been single for 7 years, so I’m the right person to answer this question. How to stop wanting a relationship is ultimately about healing yourself and developing the relationship you have with yourself.

It is about you

It might feel like this problem is about the rest of the world. Everyone else seems to find someone.

While you are the one who falls in love, only to be rejected or dumped. Why do you always pick the wrong guy?

The answer to all of your questions lies in the relationship you have with yourself and that’s the one we will be working on.

Should you stop wanting a relationship?

I think the question “how to stop wanting a relationship,” hides a bigger truth. You don’t think you will get a relationship.

Thus, you want to get rid of the wanting.

You are afraid that you will be alone forever.

That fear is driving your decisions. You want to take back control over your emotions and you think getting rid of the wanting is the best strategy.

It’s natural to want a relationship

We will work on your longing, but the bottom line is that it’s normal to want a relationship. The desire for love and connection is as natural as the desire to eat, sleep, and explore. Wanting a relationship is your biological blueprint and there is no way you can completely free yourself from the want.

How should feelings feel?

However, if your want for a relationship cause you pain on a daily basis, there is plenty of room for improvement.

The want should be a light feeling, not a painful one.

Kind of like the want for a holiday or for an apple or to take a hike in nature. In other words, a feeling that nudges you in the right direction and causes you to take an action. (Book a flight ticket, reach for an apple or get out off the couch.)

The want for a relationship should not be a feeling of extreme pain.

Let’s dive in.

1. Get to know yourself

The wonderful thing about a relationship is that you get the opportunity to get to know another person, and to fall in love with that person.

You are your first love

Guess what, you have that very same opportunity with yourself.

The relationship you have with yourself is a real relationship. If you always avoid yourself by drinking or watching television, you are treating yourself like a bad spouse would treat you. (Trust me; I have been in enough relationships to know.) Instead, be present with yourself and get to know yourself anew every single day.

Heal past traumas

Journal about painful memories. Make sense of who you are and who you want to become. When we meet someone, we ask them about their past experiences (good one and bad one), and we also ask them about their dreams and passion.

Treat yourself as a loving partner would

You are your first listener and your biggest supporter.

You think you need someone else to see and hear you, but trust me, this is the very thing you are fully capable to give to yourself.

2. Become more mindful

When we are consumed with a want, what’s basically happening is that we are not fully present. As a result, we suffer.

You spend too much time with your desire

We live in our minds and in our desire. We are overly focused on our wants.

(This can sometimes become a blockage to the very thing we long for.)

Instead, bring your mind back to this exact moment and your experiences here and now. Ask yourself how the air smell and how the wind touches your skin.

Being alive is a sensory experience, as stated in The Power of Now.

Right now, there are no problems. Problems only arise when you start to agonize about the future or have negative thoughts about the past.

Practice gratefulness

When something important is missing from our lives, it’s easy to become consumed by that very thing.

That’s just how humans work.  

You have to bring your mind back to a fair and balanced view.

Every time you feel bitterness creeping in on you, think about the things you are grateful for. Think about the things you do have. It helps to write.

I strongly recommend a gratefulness diary. This practice will make your desire less strong.

3. Get to know your automatic negative thoughts

I don’t know you, but the very fact that you ask the question “How To Stop Wanting A Relationship,” tells me something important about you.

You have a lot of negative thoughts.

You might not be fully conscious of them, but trust me, they are there.

Find your negative stories

To get a clear view of your negative thoughts, ask yourself why you don’t have a relationship.

Why can’t you just reach for one the same way you would reach for an apple?

Examples of negative thoughts:

I’m not attractive enough.

No one ever likes me.

I couldn’t pick a good man if my life depended on it.

All men cheat and lie.

It’s impossible to find someone when you are 40 and have children. 

Your negative thoughts will be unique to your past experiences.

There is nothing wrong with you

None of the thoughts above is true. But by thinking them, they become the truth. Our thoughts shape our reality since we act in accordance with the things we already believe.

Your suffering has nothing to do with the fact that you are single. Your suffering is created as a direct result of the reason you tell yourself why you are single.

Question your negative thoughts

Time to brainwash yourself, in the best possible way. You do this by journaling about your negative thought.

For every negative thought, come up with 10 reasons why it is not true. Do this every day for 21 days.

This simple exercise is the solution to how to stop wanting a relationship

I promise you, when you get rid of the negative stories, you will low-key enjoy being single.

This is the secret of how to stop wanting a relationship.

4. Do fun things with yourself

Let’s move on to something a little bit easier. If you are longing for a relationship, there is a risk that you have put your life on hold. You are waiting for someone else to come along and offer you fun and adventure.

Ask yourself what you enjoy

Just like you can be there emotionally for yourself, you can also be there for yourself on a practical level. Take a fun holiday with yourself. Cook nice dinners for yourself. Spend quality time with yourself. Learn a new skill together with yourself.

5. Develop your friendships

Love and deep meaningful relationships are everywhere.

Often when we are single against our will, we become too focused on finding a man. We overlook everyone else around us that could need a shot of our love.

Spread your love

The very fact that you don’t have a significant other means that you have an abundance of love. Don’t hold back, give your love to elderly people and to children, and to whom might need it.

Become better at creating deep and meaningful connections with everyone around you. Read our article How to get someone to open up emotionally?

Take this time as an opportunity to become better at creating the connection you do crave. You can also read How to be more emotionally available.

6. Channel your sexual energy through a new passion

Passion is a beautiful thing. Just as you have an abundance of love, you also have an abundance of passion. If you are constantly wanting a relationship, that tells me you don’t have enough passion in your life.

What ignites your fire?

Make a list. Signs up for new courses. Learn rock climbing or salsa dancing. Get your blood flowing. Connect with nature. Become a more passionate version of yourself.

7. Accept that you do want a relationship

The question “How to stop wanting a relationship” is deeply flawed. It’s simply not the right question.

The road to peace of mind is to not fight your longing.

Accept that you want love. It is ok to want love. Everyone wants love.

8. Enjoy flirting

When you feel frustrated about being single that tells me that you don’t have enough love interests in your life.

The only time I’m happy to be single is when I’m talking to a new cute guy and he seems interested in me.

Flirting, dating and getting to know a new person is such a thrilling experience. It’s also one you cannot have once you get into your relationship.

Meet more men

To get over your sadness and frustration, I have a very easy recipe; meet more men. Have some exciting adventures, and practice creating fireworks with another human.

The more men you meet, the less sad you will feel frustrated about being single. Take a course in flirting by reading our article How to flirt with a man.

9. Take a break from dating

Maybe your problem is the polar opposite? In the last couple of years, you have moved from one toxic relationship to the next one. You have dated your fair share of idiots.

Basically, you are constantly choosing the wrong guy and as a result, you are forced to ask; how do I stop wanting a relationship?

Take a break from falling in love

To make better choices for yourself you need to strengthen the relationship you have with yourself. Take a 3-month dating hiatus. (It can also be 6 months or a year, whatever you feel comfortable with.)

During this time, you are not allowed to fall in love with a man. This time is for you. Focus on healing yourself.

A Final Note

I know it sucks, I have so much love to give. Where is he? When will I meet him? Why does that guy don’t like me? Why do I keep falling for the wrong guy?

To answer those questions was the very reason I created HerBrilliantFriend.com

I hope you find what you are looking for, both on this site and in your dating.