Should you tell a guy that he is bad in bed?

A conundrum if there ever was one

Your new guy just doesn’t seem to be able to satisfy you. And you are left wondering if you should tell your guy that he is bad in bed? He needs to know, right?

How to deal with the situation

When you find yourself in this situation, you have two alternatives. Stop sleeping with him. Or, if you really like him, try nudging him in the right direction. You should never tell a guy that he is bad in bed. No one ever got better at anything after hearing that they were bad at it.

He might be bad in bed, but you shouldn’t be mean

To flat-out tell the guy that he is bad in bed is cruel. And, more important counterproductive. If you ever do want to hurt a man, and hurt him deeply, in the heart of his masculinity, do tell him that he is bad in bed. That will destroy him.

Most men, nice, considerate men, want nothing more than be able to satisfy the women they are with. They want to be good in bed.

Let’s instead give the guy a bit of understanding

So if you are not sharing bed with an as-hole of epic proportion, thread carefully. First, let’s start with a bit of empathy for the man in question. Men are expected to be great in bed, but they receive no training, no instruction manual.

This lack of training, unfortunately, led to some men taking a lot of cues from pornography. And that’s just not a good source of information on how to satisfy a woman. Here is a fun article about men and sex and why men should learn about sex.

Is he too selfish?

First of all, I want to address that some men just are egoistic and with no intention of evolving. If your man is one of them, do yourself and your clitoris a favor and find someone else.

So for the rest of us, let’s imagine a cute, sexy, very nice kind of man. He has only one flaw; he is not that good in bed.

Communication and consideration

The first thing you have to do is to try and open up the communication. Don’t just move ahead and tell him that he is bad in bed.

Negative feedback rarely inspires someone to improve. Instead, make it more about you, and not so much about him. Talk about what you like, and what you would want, in terms of sex.

Thread carefully

It’s going to be a delicate situation, moving forward. But how he reacts to this initial conversation and how the situation develops will tell you a lot about him.

You will find out if he is a keeper or more of a run for the wood’s kind of situation.

Articulate to yourself what you consider his shortcomings to be

Take some time and think about exactly why you think he is bad in bed. There are many different ways to be bad in bed. Remember that what is bad for you might be good for someone else. We are turned on by different things.

But some generalizations are worth making, so let’s take a look at the most common mistakes men make in bed. Later on, we move on to how to fix having a man who is bad in bed.

4 examples of how guys are bad in bed

1. The relentless piv lover 

The most common mistake men make when it comes to sex is focusing too much on the penetration part of sex and too little on everything else.

I think most men have no idea how little it can feel when they are pumping away. This is especially true if there is no presence of the mind while the pumping is going on, no charged energy between the two of you.

He just doesn’t know better

Part of this misconception clearly stems from porn and a general lack of knowledge of what sex can be. Another reason why some men are particularly inclined to this version of sex is because it feels great to the man in question.

He thinks he is doing great

Most men just love fucking. And the less sophisticated men out there just assume that this form of sex feels equally great to you. When you are with this kind of man, it is bloody tempting to just go ahead and tell the guy that he is bad in bed. But restrain yourself.

2. The Soft Teddybear

Another way to be bad in bed is to be too gentle, too soft, too lacking in own initiative. This is often a problem with sweet, considerate men.

He is your best friend. The two of you talk a lot. He is in contact with his feeling. He is a great person, the kind of human who makes regular donations to charity and volunteers at the local soup kitchen.

In bed, most of us want passion

All admirable qualities. Except for the fact that in the bedroom, most of us want a big dose of spice, we want fire, and we want a man who takes charge without second-guessing himself.

And we don’t like the question; does that feel good for you?

3. The Hard Rock

It’s equally bad if the man is too forceful, too much in contact with his animalistic side.

We are not cavemen anymore. But some men make love like you are a piece of meat, and they have been starving for the last week, or year. They want you, no doubt about that. But they have no idea how strong they are.

Great sex is about your soul

You want to feel like a person, a participant in the act of making love, not a booty. Those men can come across as being out of touch with intimacy and emotions.

Sex is not just sex. It’s also your souls connecting on a deeper level. Being too hard and eager doesn’t leave any room for the closeness, which is the hallmark of amazing sex.

4. The technically clueless

Some men just don’t know their way around a woman’s body, or a vagina. This problem is most common in younger inexperienced men. Having sex the right way requires a certain level of technical skills.

You have to know what things are and where they are located. You also have to know how hard or soft the different parts should be touched and pushed.

He has no idea

Some men just don’t know the different moves that will make most women come, and thus they are bad in bed. If this is the case, you don’t need to tell your guy that he is bad in bed, but you can have a more open conversation about how things work.

Surprisingly this problem can also be the case with older guys who should know better.

The Solution

Regardless of what his problem is, remember that you are not alone. We have all been there. We have all had our fair share of bad lovers and bad sexual encounters.

And there is a solution. You have to try and improve him, and you have to do it subtly.

Pointing out someone’s faults makes them feel like a failure

Pointing out someone’s fault is almost never the way to have them improve. Picture this, a group of 10-year-old football player, after every game, the coach takes 30 minutes and tell them everything they did wrong, both as individuals and as a team.

How do you think that will work as an improvement? Not very modern? Not very solution-oriented?

Nowadays, we believe in encouragement and positive reinforcement, and constructive feedback. Work your man the same way.

Communicate with your whole body

As mentioned above, communication is very important. Don’t just communicate with your words. Use your voice and your whole body to communicate. When he does something right, tell him.

The more vocal and clear you are when he does something that feels good, the more he will do it. Most men in bed with a woman are actively looking for clues as to what she wants. Make sure you give him plenty of clues, most of them by moaning.

Share exactly what turns you on

Tell him different things you like. This can be done when you are having sex. For example; that feels amazing. It turns me one when you do… Fill in with your own experience. You can also tell him when you are just doing other activities together. This is part of the process of getting to know someone.

Improve yourself

Remember to be open to him improving you. Ask him what he would want more of, what he likes. This way, you show that sex is something you talk about and something you share.

Curious how you can become amazing in bed. Check out How to be more active in bed as a woman and 13 things guys like in bed but won’t ask for.

He will also (hopefully) take the clue and ask you what you would like in bed.

When he does ask you things, take the opportunity and tell him different things about yourself and your sexuality. No need to ask if you should tell a guy that he is bad in bed when you use this smart method.

This is not the time to beat around the bushes

Be concrete. If possible, also show your boyfriend what you like. Take the lead. Men are expected to know how to satisfy a woman. They have the whole force of a happy sexual encounter on their shoulders. That is a lot of pressure.

Relive him from some of the pressure by shoving him what you like.

Make him your servant

Another idea worth trying is to make a game of his sexual improvement. Ask him to be your sexual slave and tell him that he has to do exactly what you say and nothing more and nothing less. That way, you will be able to practice expressing what you want from him. This game is especially effective for the technically clueless.

A Final Note

Unfortunately, some men don’t have a relaxed attitude toward sex. It’s just too tightly connected to their masculinity. If your man in any way punishes you or acts emotionally withdrawn when you try to improve your sex life. He is probably not the right man for you. Everyone deserves a happy, healthy sex life.

To take a man and practice your way from him being bad in bed to him being amazing in bed is a lot of fun. It’s a privilege. Make sure you enjoy the process and show him how much you enjoy it. Enjoyment is the best form of encouragement.