Should I break up with my boyfriend?

Or as The Clash put it: Should I stay, or should I go?

All relationships have ups and downs. Relationships take work; that’s what everyone keeps saying. But exactly how much work is too much? When is it time to give up on the project altogether and break up with your boyfriend?

Signs it’s time to move on

If you and your boyfriend want different things, from the relationship and from life, then it’s time to break up with your boyfriend.

Another strong signal that things are over is if you are not happy with each other and don’t respect each other.

The indicator of things coming to an end might also be that the intimacy is not there and there is no true communication.

And finally, if you’re not getting your needs met in the relationship, it might be time to end things.

Breaking up is not an easy decision

Let’s break down the reasons for considering ending the relationship because this decision will take some serious thinking before you decide.

Check out our article: How do you know if you are dating the right person, to learn more about the indicators of a healthy relationship.

When you are thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend, you often wonder how much pain you are supposed to put up with?

It’s important that you take care of yourself

Clearly, there comes a point when protecting yourself becomes more important than preserving the relationship. Where to draw the line between solvable problems and a dead-end relationship? When is it time to walk away?

If you find yourself wondering about those questions, you have come to the right place. In this article, I’m going to tell you when you should break up with your boyfriend.

It takes some soul-searching to arrive at the right answer. But despair not; in this process, you will learn new things about yourself and what’s important to you.

1. You want different things

What you want to do with your life is such a personal question. And thus, it’s hard to change.

In this case, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Travel the world? A family? Moving to a new city to pursue a career opportunity?

All of the above are worthwhile pursuits, and all of the above can push you away from a partner who doesn’t want the same thing.

Don’t compromise about the big things in life

If you find yourself fighting with your partner about the big things, it’s time to realize that it’s OK to want different things.

When the two of you want different things, it’s a sad and frustrating situation. But as long as none of you are prepared to change, it’s time to walk away.

What do you want in life?

Take a long critical look at what you want in life and what your partner wants in life. The truth is you probably shouldn’t compromise, and neither should he.

Because what we want in life comes down to our core values.

Keep your values and life goals and find someone who wants to achieve the same things.

2. You don’t respect each other

A relationship needs a big dose of mutual respect to be able to function.

The level of respect you and your partner have for each other manifests in a lot of different situations, small situations and big situations.

When we talk about relationships, we don’t talk enough about respect.

He doesn’t respect you

A lack of respect can be hard to spot. But deep down, you know.

You feel an emotional stab when someone is not respecting you.

Partners who don’t respect each other have no problem putting each other down.

A lack of respect can also manifest itself in a lack of trust. If you put up with this kind of behavior for too long, you will lose respect for yourself. No one should be allowed to disrespect you.

You don’t respect him

This can also be the other way around. You notice that you have started to lose respect for your boyfriend. He says he will do certain things. He doesn’t do them. This behavior leads us to lose respect for someone.

If you are honest, I think you can easily answer the question, do you respect your partner? Does he respect you?

We cannot thrive without respect

If the answer is no to one of those questions, you should break up with your boyfriend. It’s time to let go. Respect is fundamental. Without mutual respect, the relationship will not survive.

 3. You are not happy

Happiness is important, and sometimes in a certain situation or with a certain person, we are just not happy.

The reason is not always clear and concrete. Because happiness is elusive, like the weather, it comes and goes. But still, you have to try and work towards a happier version of yourself.

Why are you not happy?

Is there a clear reason for your unhappiness?

It’s normal for a couple to go through rough patches when there are serious things to deal with, such as illness and unemployment. But if the unhappiness is permanent, it might be time to walk away.

If you feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated when you think about your boyfriend and the relationship, it’s a sign that the relationship makes you unhappy.

Unhappiness is hard to get rid of

If you break up with your partner because you are feeling unhappy, most likely, you will still feel unhappy when single.

This has happened to me. I bet it has happened to most of us.

You need to figure out yourself

We believed that the relationship was the problem. But in fact, the relationship was only part of the problem. There were also a lot of other problems that we needed to deal with.

It can still be a good idea to break up because you get a better chance at working on yourself when you don’t have a partner to blame for your unhappiness.

4. You’re not getting your needs met

We demand a lot from our romantic partners.

We want them to be there for us in all kinds of situations. We need them to give us the amount of intimacy we crave, to talk to us, to make us laugh, to make us dinner. We demand that they share most of their life with us.

It’s a big undertaking.

You need to be emotionally compatible

Far from everyone we fall in love with and form a relationship with will be able to meet our needs. How much and what we need in a relationship is an individual map all of us carry around and those maps don’t always match up.

Changing someone is difficult

We all need to feel loved by our partners.

If our partner doesn’t meet one (or several) of our fundamental needs, we will feel as if they don’t love us. They might still love us. But love is not a sensation separated from action.

We need our partners to show us love by giving us attention and meeting our emotional needs.

What are your needs?

This is one of the hardest and most frustrating reasons to break up with someone. It’s also one of the most common.

The truth is, you can’t fundamentally change another person. You have to decide if you can accept your boyfriend the way he is or if you just simply need more.

5. The intimacy is not there

 We need sex. But sex is not the only thing we need in terms of intimacy. We also need hugs, kisses, and a good cuddle before falling asleep.

We need random caress from our partners, which means that they see us and feel affectionate towards us.

There are many different ways a couple shares intimacy with each other.

All of them are important. Physical intimacy keeps the relationship happy and healthy. Physical intimacy is also a sign that things are good between you and your boyfriend.

You deserve intimacy

Withholding intimacy or sex can be related to unresolved issues of anger or resentment.

This is an issue that you and your boyfriend can work together towards solving. Passion and intimacy fluctuate over the course of a relationship.

But if you feel like the intimacy is just not there and your attempts to resolve the situation have been fruitless, it’s time to consider breaking up with your boyfriend.

Love and closeness

Sex and physical intimacy are at the heart of a romantic relationship. You should not compromise on your need for touch. We all deserve to be loved, and we all deserve to have that love present in our lives through intimacy and sex.

6. There is no true communication

I’m sure you heard it before, communication is the key to a happy relationship.

Everyone and their grandma are talking about how communication is a vital ingredient in a long, happy relationship.

The reason why communication is important is that it’s through communication we resolve problems.

This goes for both big and small problems, and when you are in a relationship, there will always be problems to solve.

Do you feel heard?

But communication is not only about making things work. Communication is also the main way we feel connected to other people. You connect with your boyfriend through good communication.

If the communication just isn’t there, you will feel misunderstood and disconnected.

The love will slowly evaporate. Good communication is when both people feel heard and appreciated.

Trying to improve the communication

You can try and improve the communication you have with your boyfriend. But I bet you have already tried a lot. If the communication just isn’t there, it’s a clear sign that the relationship is just not going to work out.

7. The relationship is abusive

There are many ways a partner can be abusive.

It doesn’t have to be physical abuse.

The abuse can also be mental. If you don’t feel good around your partner but rather feel afraid or nervous, your relationship might be abusive.

This is not a black-and-white situation. Often hard to walk away, even if you deep down know that the relationship is bad for you.

Affection and abuse

Abusive partners are often also very affectionate and remorseful about their bad behavior. And since you probably know your partner very well, you have a great deal of sympathy for him. You forgive him and you keep working on yourself and the relationship.

Do you feel like yourself?

But don’t accept too many apologies and a stream of behavior you previously thought you wouldn’t put up with. An abusive relationship will drain your self-confidence and happiness. How to tell if a relationship is abusive?

Are you walking on eggshells?

You don’t feel safe around your boyfriend. His behavior is unpredictable, and you are constantly trying to restrain yourself in different ways, as not to provoke him or make him fall into a bad mood.

Does any of that sound familiar?

Your instinct is telling you the right thing, it’s time to break up. If you need more information about toxic mechanisms in romantic relationships, check out our article about love bombing.

In Conclusion

It’s time to let go and to break up with your boyfriend when the negative outweighs the positive and when this imbalance has been going on for a long time. Ups and downs are normal, permanent unhappiness is not.

If your self-confidence is at an all-time low, if your partner makes you feel afraid rather than safe, then it’s time to break up with your boyfriend.

It’s hard to wrap your brain around the idea of breaking up and walking away, especially after putting so much of your time and energy into making the relationship work.

Don’t be tricked by the sink-coast

This mechanism is known as the “sink coast.”

It makes people keep on investing in a bad idea, despite better judgment, because if they walk away, they lose their initial investment.

Instead of accepting the loss, they keep doing the same thing, losing even more in the process.

If this sounds familiar, it’s time to let go.

A bad relationship is not worth your time

Before you make the final decision to break up with your boyfriend, have a big talk and explain how you feel and give him time to change.

Three months is sufficient.

This way, you will not feel like the decision was rushed and you will have fewer regrets later on.

You keep loosing

A person on Quora wrote this: When I am in a bad relationship, I lose money, friends, self-esteem, time, and health. Period.

Wise words. Don’t kid yourself. A bad relationship will drain your resources and make you emotionally exhausted. You are responsible for your own happiness and for walking away from situations that don’t live up to your high standards.

If you have decided that it’s time to move on, check out our article How to break up with your boyfriend and How to get over your ex fast.