How to react and how to handle the situation
You are separated, not divorced. The distinction is important. You want to work on the marriage, both of you. Despite all your problems and differences, both of you are dedicated to each other. But now you have just found out that your husband is dating, although you are only separated.
Stay cool and follow my advice
Naturally, you are wondering how to react. You are also wondering what’s the best way forward. The answer to both of those questions depends on what outcome you want to achieve.
When you find out that your husband is dating, you feel hurt and maybe even betrayed. But it’s important that you stay cool and deal with the situation the right way. I will give you all the best tips on how to handle the fact that your husband is dating.
Do you want to save your marriage?
My guess is that you want to save your marriage.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t spend time googling “My husband and I are separated, and he is dating.” You want the separation to be temporary, and you want him to realize that your marriage is worth fighting for.
Fair enough. The two of you have a life together. You are not prepared to walk away from everything you created together.
Don’t spend your energy on the wrong goal
But the fact that he is dating should make you think twice about this goal of yours. Is this marriage the best thing that has ever happened to you? How much of your precious energy should you spend trying to achieve something that might not even be possible?
Both people need to be invested
A marriage is two people united, and it only works if both people are dedicated to the project.
Question if he is the right man for you
Suppose you feel resistant to the idea of critically evaluating your husband and your marriage.
In that case, I will give you the motivation necessary because it’s only by being a bit critical of his role in your life that you can make him yours again.
Make him appreciate you by evaluating him
As long as your husband is sure that he has you, he won’t make the effort necessary to work on the marriage. But if he senses that he is not a given in your life, he might realize how important you are. We often don’t appreciate what we already have.
I would bet on the fact that he doesn’t value you enough.
Question his role in your life, and he might surprise you by starting to appreciate you.
Watch out for toxic relationships
There is a chance that your relationship was not as healthy as you thought.
To lift the curtain and evaluate what’s going on, I strongly recommend our guide 13 signs of a toxic relationship.
Don’t allow toxic relations to destroy your life.
If you are stuck in the thought my husband and I are separated, and he is dating, that might indicate that there is something wrong with the relationship as a whole.
Should you confront your husband?
If you haven’t made it clear that the two of you are allowed to date other people, you should have a conversation where you lay out the ground rules. When you have this conversation, it’s important that you are as cool as possible. Don’t guilt him or shame him or act upset.
Deal with the situation as two grown-ups
You could tell him that you want to know if he is dating because you want to find out how he expects you to behave.
You don’t have to date if you don’t want to, but float the possibility of you exploring your options if dating other people is what the two of you agree on.
Don’t ask him about the details
The cooler and friendlier you can be, the more likely that he will find his way back to you and your marriage.
You should not confront him with details. Respect his privacy, and he will respect you for that attitude.
Separation means that you are trying out how your life will be separated from each other. Your goal should be to explore this option for yourself and grow stronger in the process. You should allow him to do the same.
Should you start dating yourself?
You know what; you absolutely can start dating after having a conversation about it with your husband.
If nothing else, it can be an interesting experience. It can also help you take your mind off what’s going on with your marriage.
Keep your privacy
But don’t feel like you have to start dating just because you discovered that your husband has started dating. If you do start dating, you should anyway not tell him anything about your new dating life.
So, no need to start dating to make him jealous since he won’t know if you are dating or not.
Ask yourself what you want
You should do what feels best for you. Do some soul-searching to find out more about your wants and desires.
This period, you being separated, is about you. Use your time wisely.
Explore a new side of you
A much better thing than to start dating is to take up a new hobby or a new interest, preferably something that makes you come into contact with new people. This way, you get new energy into your life, but you don’t have to date.
Doing new things is also one of the best strategies to get your husband back into a mind frame where he wants to get back together.
Become a new version of yourself
After being married, we often feel like we know everything about the other person.
If you explore new sides of yourself, your husband watching you from a distance, will feel more intrigued and attracted to you.
You will become more of a stranger to him, and he will get the sense that he doesn’t completely know you.
He will crave to get to know you all over again. If you want to improve your attractiveness even further, read our guide on How to appear more attractive as a woman.
Don’t date unless you are emotionally stable
Another reason for not dating is that the interactions we have when we are not in an emotionally stable place often end up being bad.
Basically, you will attract the wrong people into your life. The people you date will create more drama when what you need is peace.
When you are in the situation where you and your husband are separated, but he is dating, you should focus on creating a peaceful and emotionally fulfilling life for yourself.
Be genuine in your decisions
It’s better to take the time necessary to heal before getting involved with other people.
So, if you don’t feel ready to date, do not date.
Other people can often subconsciously feel if our behavior is genuine or not. Your husband will be able to sense that you are dating for all the wrong reasons, and his respect for you will take a dip.
Dating will not hurt your chances with your husband
Having that said, if you want to go on a couple of dates, you should do so.
The fact that you started dating again will not hurt your chances of getting back together with your husband. Almost all men are competitive when it comes to mates, and dating (if it comes from a genuine place) will make you more attractive to your husband.
Also, check out this article on How to make him miss you, for additional tips and strategies.
Keep your cool
When you are separated and discover that your husband is dating, the best thing you can do is to stay calm.
I know this will be extremely difficult to achieve. But the more successful you can be when it comes to staying cool, the more likely it is that your husband will come back to the marriage.
Don’t give away your power
It does hurt like hell when you and your husband are separated and he is dating. But if you show him how much it hurts, for example, by calling and texting and asking and crying, you give him the upper hand. You give away your power and your independence.
True independence is not wanting someone who doesn’t want us. Keep repeating this to yourself.
Don’t become the hunter
If you show him that you are upset by his behavior, his love and affection become a form of energy that you need from him, and he has the capacity to give to you.
You end up below him, the situation will be one where he is the prey, and you are the hunter.
To get him back, you have to switch that dynamic, and you achieve this by staying cool and focusing on yourself.
Needy behavior is not attractive
People tend not to feel as drawn and attracted to people they have immense power over.
That’s just a fact and something you have to accept. If you need too many things from him, he will feel annoyed. We don’t like to be too indebted to other people, especially not when we haven’t chosen that debt.
You can get him back
You might ask how the hell you will get him back if you are not allowed to show him that you are upset?
The answer is easy, but the execution will take a lot of time, energy, and soul-searching.
Focus on improving yourself
Your emotions are yours, and you are the person in charge of managing them.
The better you become at managing yourself, your life, and your emotions, the more likely your husband will end the separation phase and come back to you.
When you feel sadness and anger, gently bring your mind back to this profound truth; the better you can be for yourself, the bigger chance that your marriage will stay intact.
Allow yourself to have big feelings
First of all, do allow yourself to feel. There is nothing wrong with having feelings. When your marriage is in trouble, you should have all sorts of feelings. Don’t try and suppress them. Cry, scream and buy a punching bag. Let out all those emotions. Let them flow.
But don’t let them be the master of you. Allow yourself to be sad. But at the same time, take the steps necessary to deal with your emotions.
You become the master of your emotions by doing the following:
1. Start an exercise regime
If you don’t exercise at all, it’s absolutely crucial that you start. Starting to exercise can be the difference between getting your husband back and losing him forever. If you do exercise, do more than what you usually do.
Try at least one new form of exercise.
Try dancing to get the endorphin flowing
Taking a dance course counts as exercising and is a much better way to spend your time than dating. Sometimes, when you are sad, you have to smile anyway, and that smile actually makes you a bit less sad. Fake it until you make it.
2. Get out and spend time in nature
Nature heals us. Nature takes care of our wounds and puts everything in perspective.
You need nature; spend time in nature (away from your phone) at least once a week.
3. Start meditating
Meditating will calm you down and add a new intriguing layer to your persona. You can also strengthen the connection you have with your faith, regardless of your belief system. Make sure you stay aligned with the things you believe in.
Spirituality is essential in times of crisis.
4. Try therapy
When you and your husband are separated and he is dating, there will be a lot of old emotions surfacing.
Old wounds will be activated, and frankly, this most likely is too much for you to deal with on your own.
You will have a lot of thoughts and emotions. If you can’t afford therapy, there is a lot of good material online. Check out this amazing woman. A gratitude diary can also go a long way.
Accept that you might have lost him
This will be a tough one to hear, but this husband of yours might have moved on.
In fifty percent of the cases, that he is dating is a clear indication that the term separation was just a way for him to soften the blow. What he meant was that he wanted his own life. He wanted a divorce.
Acknowledge the upsides of a divorce
The more accepting you can be of this possible outcome, the easier this situation will be for you. (And ironically, the more likely you will get him back.)
Ask yourself honestly about the positive and negative sides of getting a divorce.
In what way would your life benefit if you were divorced?
He is his own person, independent of you
We can’t control another human, and we shouldn’t try. No human owes us anything, regardless of what he promised you at one point in time. He is his own person, living his own life, making his own decision. You need to let go of him.
If you squeeze too hard, he will never come back.
Practice watching your life unfolding without him.
The more at peace you can be with this outcome, the better you will feel. Often we feel the most amount of negative emotions when we get attached to a particular outcome.
What does dating mean to your husband?
On the other hand, that he is dating doesn’t have to mean anything.
Take it from someone who had a lot of dates and a lot of casual relationships. They are not as much fun as one might think. In fact, they can be rather boring and mundane and lack the depths you get from a long-term relationship.
He might discover exactly why he loves you
Sometimes we go out in the world, longing for something, most likely an emotional connection. Only to discover that what we had at home was the best for us.
A new relationship might be exactly what he needs to discover everything that is great with you.
So don’t freak out when you and your husband are separated, and he is dating. If your relationship is built on a true connection, the two of you will find your way back to each other.
A Final note
You might not know it yet, but you are going to be OK. Things are going to be OK.
A year from now, you will look back at this period and remember how awful you felt, and you will have made it to the other side. You will feel much better and be in a better place.
You will understand things you can’t see clearly right now. Everything will make sense.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
