My best friend is dating my ex -How to react

A 7-step solution that will have you on the road to mental peace in no time

When you find out that your best friend is dating your ex, you feel terrible. You are probably feeling betrayed, devastated, and shocked all at once. Some people around the web like their feelings to a tsunami of murderous rage mixed with feeling like unworthy garbage.

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At the same time, you are not sure; have they done something wrong? Or is it just the unlucky circumstance of two people falling in love?

In this article, I will walk you through the moral aspect, and some problem areas. I will also give you a lot of tips on how to deal with the situation. Hopefully, I will leave you with a feeling of closure and peace. Follow this step-by-step guide, and you will come out of this unfortunate situation as a better person.

Follow these 7 steps, and you will come out stronger on the other side

• Step 1; Embrace your anger and sadness.
• Step 2; Evaluate the friendship.
• Step 3; Talk with your friend.
• Step 4; Remember that he is your ex for a reason.
• Step 5; Wish them good luck and mean it.
• Step 6; Don’t get stuck in negativity and hatred.
• Step 7; Focus on your life.

Is it right or wrong to date a friend’s ex?

Judging from a lot of online discussion forums, the question of whether it is OK to date your best friend’s ex seems to split the general public into two opposing camps.

Half of the people claim that you don’t own your ex. Some people even suggest that you could be happy that two people you like have found each other.

The other half feels like doing so is breaking the moral code between friends. Some even claim that by doing this, she proves she is not your best friend at all.

The answer depends on the exact circumstances

So, when you want an answer to if those two people have done anything wrong, there is no clear answer. Some people will hate them for their actions, and others will tell you to just get over yourself and get on with your own life.

The more in-depth and complicated answer to this question depends on your unique circumstances.

Questions to consider

Whether your best friend has done something wrong depends on how much time has passed since the breakup? What sort of breakup was it? And are there still feelings lingering from the involved people?

She is the one who should have given you a head up

One thing pretty much everyone agrees on is that the civilized thing to do is to give you a heads-up before they start to date.

Most people would agree that friends’ exes are, generally speaking, a bad idea. Out of all people in the whole world, it seems a strange choice to pick the one that previously was in a relationship with you.

By not doing so, she crossed a line

Even under the best of circumstances, it will be awkward for everyone involved. You often share details about your relationship with your best friend. The three of you will meet at different social events. There is plenty of reason why your friend should not be dating your ex.

Even someone who is completely cool with the whole thing will find it a bit awkward.

So when this situation happens to you, how are you supposed to deal with things?

Step 1; Embrace your anger and sadness

Whether your best friend and ex have done something wrong or not doesn’t matter, you are still justified in your feelings. If you feel angry and betrayed, allow yourself to fully feel those feelings.

Don’t try and suppress your feeling. They will only come back and bite you in the ass later on.

Read sad poetry

Instead, take a deep dive into your feeling. Listen to sad music. Cry. Spend a day or a week in bed. Eat all the things that are bad for you. Go for long melancholic walks. Talk with other trusted friends. Get it all out there. Be angry at the universe, be pissed at those two people.

When you have given your feelings the attention, they deserve it’s time for the next step; evaluation.

Because when this situation happens, there is a couple of questions you have to ask yourself.  

Step 2; evaluate the friendship

Is the friendship worth keeping?

The first question you have to ask yourself is if your best friend is worth keeping.

The ex you have already lost, he is in the past. Let’s keep him there. Your best friend, on the other hand, that’s another story.

You have to analyze the friendship. Take your time with this step, no need to make a rushed decision. Think about the strength and weaknesses of your friendship.

Is there jealousy involved?

Is there anything in the friendship dynamics that might have led to this situation? Is she jealous of you? Are you jealous of her? Does she have a tendency to undermine and question your decision?

Consider her good sides

Also, evaluate the positive sides of the friendship: What is it you like about her? What makes her the person you wanted to have as your best friend above all other people in the world?

Properly try to understand the friendship and where you stand in the friendship before it is time to decide whether the friendship is worth saving. When you find out that your best friend is dating your ex, take your time to try and understand the situation and your role in the situation.

Step 3; Talk with your friend

Regardless of your decision about the friendship, I strongly urge you to have a serious conversation with your friend. You were best friends for a reason. Even if you are not planning to keep your former best friend, talking might still be a good idea. I’m sure you have a lot of questions about what has happened.

See what she has to say

Allow your friend a chance to answer those questions. You might imagine things that are not true at all.

Try to listen to her and understand her side of things. After the conversation, you are allowed to bury the friendship and move on without her in your life. But first, be brave and strong; have a conversation with her.

If you want to keep her as a friend

On the other hand, if you decide that you want to keep the friendship, you can have a conversation with your friend followed by a cooling-off period.

First of all, you should express how the situation makes you feel. She should understand your point of view without becoming defensive.

Take a step back from the friendship

Have a big talk and after that, take a break from her.

If the friendship is special and worth keeping, the two of you will find a way back to each other eventually. But before you jump back into the friendship, you should do some healing and work on yourself. When you are in a better place, you can start and slowly rekindle the friendship.

Or choose to end the friendship

If you chose to end the friendship, most people would understand you.

This is an easier road to take and, for many people, the only road to take. We need to be able to trust our friends. That’s one of the most essential parts of a friendship. When your friend is dating your ex, a part of that trust has been broken.

In the end, you have to forgive her

Even if you decide to end the friendship, you still need to forgive her. The more resentment and anger you feel towards her, the more it will affect your life. Try and work towards forgiving her and let go of your anger.

Step 4; Remember that he is your ex for a reason

It might be hard to see the bigger picture when you get too caught up in your own feelings.

So, when you feel yourself going deep in the black hole of feelings (those feelings can be anger, jealousy, feeling of unworthiness, frustration, feeling betrayed,) gently bring your focus back to the simple fact that he is your ex for a reason.

Things didn’t work.

He was not the one

The relationship was not meant to be. He was not the right man for you.

When you feel sad, shift your focus back to all the things that didn’t work for you in the relationship.

There must have been a lot of things that you were not satisfied with. Ponder on those things and try and learn from those things so you can enter your next relationship more aware of what you need and your boundaries.

If you struggle to get over him, check out our text How to get over your ex fast.

When did it start?

One of the reasons why “My friend is dating my ex” is such a difficult experience is the fact that you inevitably will ask yourself when their feelings first started.

How long have they liked each other? How much did they like each other at the different stages of your common relationship? If you want to torture yourself, you have a lot of material to choose from.

You will never completely understand

You can go down the rabbit hole of utter despair with this question. But the truth is that you will never know, and it is not fruitful to spend time thinking about this.  

Understand her side of the story

You can ask your friend when you talk to her. This will hopefully make you understand her better. But at the end of the day, you can never know.

Something in life we have to let go of, and we have to learn to let go without getting the whole story. To better be able to move on, read our guide to How to deal with your ex moving on with someone else.

If you broke up with him

If you were the one who ended the relationship, you might still feel betrayed and hurt when your best friend starts dating your ex. You might also wonder if he does it to get revenge on you.

You had strong reasons

When you feel betrayed, and jealous bring back your thoughts to the reasons why you ended the relationship. Keep repeating those reasons for yourself.

This scenario is the same as the one above. You can never know the truth. Do your friend and ex-boyfriend act out of love or as a way to try and hurt you?

Their motivation might be on a subconscious level

It’s even possible that the people involved don’t know the whole truth. Your ex can claim that he doesn’t want to get back at you by dating her, but subconsciously this can still be the case. We don’t always know why we feel like we do and act as we do.

You have to let go. That’s the only way forward.

He has negative sides

The revanche act can be totally subconscious on your ex’s part.

He has probably convinced himself that he has genuine feelings for your friend, and therefore the act is justified. If you think this might be the case, you don’t have to do anything. They will get bored with each other, and your best friend will discover his negative sides just the way you did.

She might be jealous of you

You also have to consider that your best friend might be jealous of you. This might be totally subconscious. So don’t think too much about it.

Just accept this possibility and make peace with it. Consider this a factor when you decide if you want to keep her in your life or not.

Step 5; Wish them good luck and mean it

We often feel possessive of an ex even after the relationship is over. But this is your lingering feelings and your ego that are speaking.

The truth is that your ex is free. He doesn’t owe you anything. When you want to let go of your resentment, try re-framing your thoughts.

Let them free

Consider the fact that they might have hit it off with each other because of the reason you hit it off with them.

With friends and lovers, we often share interests and personality traits. Seen in this context, it is not that strange that two people close to you would hit it off.

She is responsible for her actions

Your best friend, on the other hand, generally speaking, owes you the common courtesy of not pursuing your ex. Or at least letting you know or asking for your permission before she does so. The betrayal is by your friend, not your ex.

But you can’t control their actions so to be happy yourself, try and wish them good luck and mean it. That is the best way to handle the situation.

Do you still have feelings for your ex?

Another aspect to consider when you find out that your best friend is dating your ex is if you still have any lingering feelings for your ex?

You might have thought that you were completely over him, but him dating someone so close to you might stir up feeling you didn’t know existed. Be honest with yourself. Admit if you still have feelings for him. It’s natural not to be completely over them when you have been close to someone.

Why can’t you forget him?

We have an insightful text about Why can’t I forget him, that will help you understand why some people are hard to get out of our minds.

Or did you just catch feelings because of this event?

Also, be a bit critical. Is it possible that you just feel stronger for your ex now when he is happy with someone else?

Kind of like how you always wanted the toy someone else was playing with when you were a kid?

If you conclude that you don’t have any feelings for your ex-boyfriend, it should be easier to move on to the phase where you are genuinely happy for them.

Be kind to your feelings

If you do have feelings for him, accept them and be nice to yourself. Feelings come and go, and that will happen to those feelings as well. You just need to give them some time.

Step 6; Don’t get stuck in negativity and hatred

I also want to take this opportunity to tell you that you should not bash your ex and your best friend. Don’t hope that they will be unhappy and hurt each other.

Don’t hate on them. Don’t hate on their relationship. Negative feelings are like an annoying old chewing gum that gets stuck on your soul.

You are the one who is suffering. You are the one walking around with pain and irritation.

Try to be generous toward them

Don’t use negative feelings as a way to comfort yourself. Try to move away from negative feelings, such as thinking that he is an idiot and your best friend is a slut. Instead, wish them good luck and try your best to mean it.

Step 7; Focus on your life

In the age of social media, it’s easy to become too preoccupied with other people’s lives. You have a front-row seat to their success, love stories, and memorable moments.

What they choose to show might be true or not true, but it doesn’t matter because your life doesn’t exist in relationship to other people’s lives.

Don’t compare yourself. Don’t even spend that much time thinking about what’s going on in their lives.

Who do you want to be?

Think about yourself, your passions and interest, your friends and family, and the things you hope to achieve with your life.

And forget about everyone else, that includes your ex and your best friend.

Check out Thais Gibson for tips on how to work on improving yourself when it comes to romantic relationships.

A Final Note

When you find yourself in a situation where your best friend is dating your ex, there are a lot of different feelings you have to deal with.

Take this as an opportunity to learn more about who you are. Think about your weaknesses and try to improve yourself.

Also, take the time to think about the thing that is important to you and who you want to be in the world. Make yourself a better person as a result of this event.

This way, you make sense of the story around this event. We create our own stories, and that’s how we become stronger and better versions of ourselves.

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