Manipulative Behavior Examples

A comprehensive guide with lots of examples and different solutions on how to handle the situation

Manipulative behavior is when someone uses guilt, fear, or obligation to try and make you do something you don’t want to do.

There are many different examples of manipulative behavior, but they all have in common that the manipulators of the world pray on your natural healthy feelings and use them to try and bait you into a specific behavior.

Manipulators try to obtain something

When someone manipulates you, they are trying to get something from you. This thing would be something they sense that you don’t want to give them with just a simple question. It could be something simple such as care or attention.

Examples of manipulative behavior

Examples of manipulative behavior are playing the victim and guilt-tripping you.

Other common examples of manipulative behavior are fear-mongering (when you exaggerate a threat) and withholding approval.

More ruthless manipulators will also use lying and controlling the frame, as a means to make you obey them and their wishes.

Manipulative behavior is psychologically coercing you into a certain behavior or act.

But what about influencing someone?

It’s important to differentiate between healthy social influence and manipulative behavior.

Healthy social influence occurs among most people.

It’s part of the give and takes of constructive relationships. We often try to influence the people around us to improve their lives. For example, eating healthier or applying for a new job.

Where is the line?

A behavior becomes manipulative in the negative sense of the word when the other party feels disrespected, taken advantage of, or tricked.

Who uses manipulative behavior?

Everyone uses manipulative behavior from time to time.

Manipulative behavior is not limited to romantic relationships. We also use manipulative behaviors in friendships and family relationships.

In fact, examples of manipulative behavior are especially common in family relationships. Parents use it on their children, and children try using it on their parents.

Romantic relationships and manipulative behavior

In a romantic relationship, an example of manipulative behavior can look like this:

You want to get love and attention from your boyfriend. Instead of simply telling him about what you feel and what you need, you might instead give him the silent treatment. Or try to make him jealous, or pick a fight.

He does care

By using those strategies, you get his attention, and with a bit of luck, he pledges his love for you and tells you how important you are to him.

Sound neither healthy nor effective, right?

People with strong solid self-confidence seldom use manipulative behavior

Manipulative behavior is not a good way to get what you need and what you want. The less manipulative behavior you use, the better your relationships will be.

If you feel your partner is a manipulator and want to end the relationship, check out our article about Ending toxic relationships.

The same principles can be used when it comes to friendships and family relationships as well.

Manipulators are often lonely

Not all manipulative behavior stems from someone wanting to hurt you and getting control over you.

When it comes to emotionally unavailable men, they often long for connection and lasting relationships. Check out How to connect with an emotionally unavailable man.

Why is manipulative behavior so destructive?

We always know, conscious or subconsciously, when our border has been crossed, and we have done something that we, at the core of our personality, didn’t want to do.

We are naturally averse to manipulative behavior

We instinctively dislike when someone has tricked us into a certain act or behavior.

Being exposed to manipulative behavior gives us anxiety, makes us doubt ourselves and lowers our self-esteem.

That’s why manipulative relationships are so destructive. We lose ourselves and start doubting our ability to make judgments.

Manipulative behavior is about control

Manipulators are motivated by a need to feel in control. A manipulator has the need to advance their own purposes and personal gain at virtually any cost to others.

Some manipulative people even enjoy their power and the knowledge that they can make someone do something they wouldn’t normally have done.

Manipulative behavior is not effective

A non-manipulative person doesn’t have the same need to get things from other people. They take care of themselves and seldom need help with things.

When they do need help, they are happy to express their true feelings and ask for help.

Manipulative behavior is not as effective as it might sound. As humans, we are good at picking up what’s really going on. There are lots of non-verbal cues to help us. We instinctively know when there is a dissonance between the words and what that person wants.

People naturally reject manipulative people. So even if the manipulator gains what they want short-term, long-term, they will be alone.

Manipulative People

Manipulative people often start out being very nice and charming. This is in itself a form of manipulation since we often get stuck on the first impressions.

Our initial encounter and perception of someone strongly color our developing relationship with them.

We keep thinking about how fun and non-demanding the manipulator was in the beginning. We keep seeing that person even if the person in front of us has changed for the worse.

The manipulator will subject you to Love bombing

At the beginning of the relationship, a manipulative person will tell you many good things about yourself, admire you, and push all your buttons on the way you want to be loved.

Manipulators are charming at first

Manipulators are usually charismatic, especially up front. As the relationship progresses, they show more and more of their nasty insecure side. But they can easily resort back to being charming again later in the relationship if they feel that they are losing you.

Initial charm and seduction are some of the biggest examples of manipulative behavior. For even more in-depth information on the subject, check out our article about love bombing.

Manipulative behavior stems from a strong need

When you meet a manipulator, they usually ask a lot of questions and try to get close to you. This is because they need to size you up.

They are trying to discover your weak spots and how much they can get from you.

Manipulative people often find themselves in a position of wanting something from another human. Without want, there is no need for manipulative behavior.

Manipulators have a huge want

The stronger the want, the more manipulative behavior becomes important. Most people addicted to drugs become very manipulating. Their need (mostly for money) is just so strong that rejection is a disaster.

It also works the other way around. Manipulative people have a much harder time accepting rejection. That’s why they need to use manipulative behavior in the first place.

What is the origin of manipulative behavior?

Manipulative behavior comes into existence from the fact that the person didn’t get their needs met in childhood.

I know it’s a bit of a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason and worth mentioning.

When you see their behavior in this context, the need and habit of using manipulation become clear. You will know why they display so many examples of manipulative behavior.

The origin of manipulative behavior is a sad story

They started their lives trying more direct and honest means of communicating their needs. But since those strategies didn’t have the desired effect, they had to resort to more devious strategies.

They want control

People who manipulate others often feel the need to control their environment and surroundings, for example, people’s impression of them. Manipulators are often very focused on how they come across on a surface level.

The control they have over other people makes them feel safe, and they are actually very afraid of other people and possible judgment from other people.

Examples of manipulative behavior

There are a lot of examples of manipulative behaviors, here I will mention the most common ones.

1. Playing the victim

This is the foundation of a manipulator’s behavior.

They don’t take responsibility for their situation. They don’t take responsibility for their feelings. If they are upset, it’s because of something you did.

Look what you made me do

They can twist reality around and say things like; Look what you made me do.

That phrase, in all its different forms, is one of the prime examples of manipulative behavior.

Remember that one sentence, and you will better understand different examples of manipulative behavior.

The world is against them

Often, the manipulators of the world will describe different setbacks and hardships before they even ask for something.

They will paint a picture of how good and hardworking they are. They just have bad luck.

Manipulative people often see the world in a very black-and-white way.

The person they, at the moment, are trying to manipulate is good and decent.

Most other people, on the other hand, are bad and nasty, maybe even psychopaths.

We are responsible for ourselves

One of the victim’s strategies is to act hurt, and as if you have hurt them by your behavior.

But in fact, in most cases, it is the manipulator who has caused the problem.

They provoked you to behave in a certain way, and when they got you where they wanted, they condemned your behavior.

Everyone experience hardships

When dealing with a person playing the victim, remember that difficult things happen to most humans. Despite this, we are all, in the end, responsible for our circumstances and our feelings.

We have to take care of ourselves

If we find ourselves in a situation we don’t like, we are responsible for changing the situation. We are all victims to some extent, but we are also the creators of our own life.

If you are thinking about leaving your relationship, read our article Should I break up with my boyfriend?

2. Guilt-tripping you

Guilt-tripping you is similar to playing the victim.

This is where they take their victim mentality and make it about you. They can point out different ways your life has been going well and use this to make you feel sorry for them. You feel guilty for your good fortune.

They make their problems about you

They can say things like; you don’t understand how a childhood like mine feels like.

Your parents were always nice, mine used to beat me. Of course, you will feel bad and be empathic with them.

Another way to guilt-trip you is by making you feel like you have disappointed them and let them down. The next step is to exploit that feeling to get something else from you.

Gas-lighting

Manipulative people also make you responsible for their feeling. As a decent human being, you try and help them feel better. But they are only using false feelings to try and play you.

They can twist reality so much that there is even a term for it; gas-lighting.

Being exposed to the manipulator’s twisted version of reality, you start to doubt your conclusions and your version of the truth.

If they say that the ocean is black, you might start believing them.

3. Fear-mongering

Fear-mongering is most commonly used when it comes to political manipulation.

Manipulative politicians often use vastly exaggerated threats of what will happen if you don’t give them your support.

Making you feel unsafe

If you don’t vote for them, the world will not be safe. Since our brain is wired for survival, we are very recipients of threats against our safety. That’s why fear-mongering is so effective.

On a more personal level, most manipulative people use some kind of aggression or threats, basically anything, to instill a feeling of fear in you. They can threaten you with things like killing themselves or leaving you. Whatever they know will make you afraid.

The victim and the bully

When it comes to manipulative behavior, there is the victim, and then there is the bully. Those two behaviors can be separated, but they can also exist next to each other.

A manipulative person can quickly switch from playing the victim to bullying you and being aggressive about what they want.

The switch is in itself jarring and a form of manipulative behavior. This sudden shift shows you how little they believed in their victimhood.

4. Withholding approval

Withholding approval is a form of manipulative behavior we are all guilty of from time to time.

When we are upset with someone, we often withhold love, conversation, and physical affection.

It’s normal to want to withdraw a bit when someone has hurt you. In this case, you use manipulative behavior involuntarily. But try to stay present, both physically and mentally.

You might be irritated by their behavior, but they still need your love.

Withholding approval is a form of punishment

It’s important not to use withholding approval with children.

A grown-up will understand that you need time to yourself, but a child will not understand this. Withholding your approval will deeply hurt them. By avoiding this behavior, you show your children that you love them no matter what.

If you don’t have children, think back to when or if your parents did this to you? Exactly how damaging do you think this behavior was?

5. Lying

If there is one thing all manipulators have in common, it’s lying.

This is one of the major examples of manipulative behavior. Not all manipulators flat-out lie, but flexibility with the truth is a signature move of any manipulator.

They just can’t help themselves. Since they are not focused on fostering healthy relationships but on fulfilling their agenda, the truth means very little to them. They also have a hard time separating the truth from their own ideas about how things are.

Most people are easy to trick

Lying is an effective technique because we expect the people around us to be truthful.

We don’t see it coming, and therefore we become easy victims. Don’t blame yourself for being a nice trusting person. By lying, a manipulator takes advantage of your good qualities.

When it comes to manipulators, lying happens in varying degrees. First of all, there is general dishonesty. They can’t keep fact from fiction.

If you, with the help of google, prove them wrong about something trivial, they will just say that they were joking. Or that you are too sensitive and take things too seriously.

Withholding information

Another big example of manipulative behavior is withholding information.

This can happen in all different aspects of a relationship. They might not let you meet their friends or family. They might not let you see where they live.

They might not tell you the truth (or give any explanation) about how they make their living. All this is manipulative behavior and a way they use to control your image of them.

They tell different stories

Another clear sign that you are in a company of a manipulator is that they are constantly changing their story depending on who’s around.

The same question doesn’t get the same answer. This is because they are trying to control people’s perceptions of them.

Manipulators also lie about insignificant small things. Things that don’t matter and things they don’t need to lie about. And then they ask; why would I lie about that?

6. Controlling the frame

A manipulator has his own version of the truth and the world. No matter what you say or do, she or he is sticking to it.

What they believe they consider to be unquestionable facts. It doesn’t matter if you have proof that their view of things is wrong. This is not just their stubbornness but a way of manipulating you.

They decide what’s right and wrong

All judgments are made with respect to a frame of reference. If they manage to have you share their worldview, they decide what good behavior and bad behavior are.

Politicians often use controlling the frame. Now when you know that this is an example of manipulative behavior, you will have an easier time spotting it.

Parents also like to use it to control their children.

Using humor to put you down

Manipulators also control the frame by deflecting your opinions with the help of humor. If you protest or come up with a reasonable objection. They say things like; I was only joking. You don’t have a sense of humor. Don’t take everything so seriously.

Manipulators also use humor and sarcasm to try and put you down. I’m sure you had at least one boss who was behaving like this.

The manipulators control the frame by deciding when things are funny and just a joke, and when things are serious.

Analyzing manipulative behavior

Think back to times when people have used one or several of the tactics mentioned above on you.

How successful were they? What did you feel?

How did your feelings change when you had more time to think about their behavior?

Do you use manipulative behavior from time to time?

Reflecting on this question will make you understand manipulative behavior better. It will also make you more aware of the disadvantages of using manipulative behavior.

Thinking back to your experiences with manipulative behavior will help you better understand the phenomena. The more you understand manipulative behavior, the easier it will be for you to dismantle the manipulators of the world.

You know it when you see it

Manipulative behavior is actually very easy to spot when you know what you are looking for. And when you know that someone is trying to manipulate you, it’s easier to hold your ground.

Improve yourself by not using manipulative behavior

You can also use your knowledge of manipulative behavior to try and improve yourself. Avoid using manipulative behavior, because even if it might get the desired effect short term, it undermines the relationship long term.

Express your feeling clearly, and take full responsibility for them by using I-statement. Don’t make you’re feeling about the other person.

Try to stay true to your feelings

Sometimes we don’t know exactly what we feel and what we need, and we use manipulative behavior randomly just to try and make ourselves feel better.

This never works.

Instead, you have to take the time and analyze what you feel and which of your feelings are valid.

When you know yourself, it’s easier not to use manipulative behavior and instead ask for precisely what you need.

Accept rejection as a part of life

Another reason why it’s uncomfortable to ask for what we need is that we face the risk of rejection.

If you become better and more comfortable taking rejections, you will not have the same need to use manipulative behavior.

Rejections are part of life. A confident person realizes and accepts that they cannot always get what they want. And they certainly can’t get it without working for it.

How to deal with manipulative behavior?

Now that you know many different examples of manipulative behavior, you will not become an easy victim.

You will know when someone is trying to coerce you into a certain action or just making you buy into their view of reality.

Additional tips on how to deal with manipulative behavior

The first and most important thing is to try and stay cool. A manipulator will say and do all sorts of things and what they want to get from you is an emotional reaction.

They want you emotionally unbalanced.

They can use flattering and praise to get a positive emotional reaction from you. Or they can use different forms of intimidation tactics to get a negative emotional reaction from you.

Try to be emotionally unaffected

What you can do to resist manipulation is to try and be emotionally unaffected.

The more unaffected you are, the more you control the frame. Maintain an awareness of how you feel. Because the way you feel will be your indicator of whether or not you are being manipulated.

Don’t feel guilty

For example, if your teenager wants you to let them go to a party, they might tell you how you destroy their life by being too strict.

They don’t even have any friends anymore.

If you start feeling guilty and buying into their frame, thinking you are too strict, and you start to feel sorry for them, they have successfully played your feeling.

Exploiting your goodness

The same process occurs when your boss tries to make you work overtime by saying that the company is in a bad spot and you, with your talent, really can make a difference. It is a combination of threat and flattery that only works if you get emotional and buy into their worldview.

To put it simply; don’t feel the emotion they are trying to evoke. Resist.

Time Constraint

People who use manipulative behavior often put you under a time constraint.

This is especially true when it comes to manipulative behavior as a sales tactic.

For example, their offer is only valid a certain amount of time. They hope they will get what they want by not giving you enough time to think.

Don’t buy into the lie of a time constraint. Instead, take your time. Don’t make any rushed decisions. Go home and have a good night’s sleep.

Instead, take time for yourself

If someone is trying to manipulate you into doing something, tell them that you will think about it. If they protest, you know they are only manipulating you.

There is a reason different cults and sects coerce people by not giving them enough time for themselves. Always step away from a bad situation and take the time you need to think about things. This goes for bad relationships as well.

Time and space are your friends

The manipulators of the world usually don’t give you a break. They are constantly on you until they get what they want. Make sure you step away from them and the situation.

How to deal with charming behavior

The manipulators of the world are typically sweet talkers.

They use their words to try and coerce you. To protect yourself from this behavior, you have to learn to separate words from the action.

Carefully watch if their words and actions line up. Are they who they claim they are? Do they fulfill the promises they make? Do you feel you can trust them on a practical level?

Manipulative behavior is not about you

When it comes to manipulators, their actions and words seldom line up. Manipulators have an excuse for everything. They always come up with an explanation for not sticking to their word.

When you deal with manipulative behavior, remember it’s not about you. It’s easy to take manipulative behavior personally. But this way of interacting with the world is something the manipulator always uses.

Are you too trustworthy?

People who are nice, trustworthy, and non-critical have an easier time falling for manipulative behavior. So be aware that the manipulator takes your good qualities and uses them against you.

Call them out

You can call them out on their behavior. This might make you feel better because you stand up for yourself. But don’t expect them to admit to anything. Most likely, they will just move away from you and search for a more gullible victim.

Don’t get stuck in a circle trying to teach them things or improve them.

Manipulative people are not likely to change. The behavior is deep-rooted, and they are not exactly the self-critical types.

Get away from the situation

If you are dealing with a manipulative boss or coworker, the best thing you can do is to try and get away from the situation.

Trying to outsmart them will not work.

A manipulator doesn’t play nice, and a manipulator doesn’t play by the rules. Instead, remember that their behavior has nothing to do with you, and don’t let them get to you on an emotional level.

In Conclusion

Learning about manipulative behavior makes it much easier to spot.

Manipulative behavior is not as sophisticated as novels and movies make you believe.

Manipulative people are lonely people. They quickly move between friends and seldom have a good relationship with their family. They lack deep interpersonal relationships.

They also don’t have a good relationship with themselves. In fact, many hate themselves, even if they would never admit to this.

Manipulative people are not happy

Manipulative people are driven. They always try to get things.

But if you are not happy with yourself, no matter how great things you manage to achieve by being manipulative, you will not be happy, and you will absolutely not be content.

If you keep this in mind, you will be much better at dealing with manipulative people, and you will not let their behavior get to you. Whatever they say or do, it’s not about you, so you don’t need to make their accusation into a feeling.