Is Lying In A Relationship ever Forgivable?

Read our in-depth guide and you will have your answer

You have caught your boyfriend in a lie. Or he has confessed to you, and whatever he told you was no good. You know for sure that he has lied to you. Now you are questioning your relationship and maybe even everything you thought your boyfriend was. You are wondering if lying in a relationship is ever forgivable?

In this in-depth guide, we will give you an extensive analysis of the situation, and yes, we will provide you with the answer.

What kind of lie are we talking about?

If you ask the internet, we all lie from time to time. White lies, lies to protect our loved ones. We lie and say that we have paid the bill… and then we quickly pay the bill.

However, I would have to disagree with this view of lying. I think most humans are genuinely honest.

The truth has a magnetic pull on us, and we often end up telling everything when asked. Many times we even tell more than what the other person wants to know.

The truth will set you free

Humans are genuinely truthful as a specimen.

This makes sense even on an evolutionary level. Honesty breeds trust.

Trust is what makes us survive. When we have clear and honest communication, we all thrive. Never underestimate the power of trust and the importance of being honest.

Take a closer look at your lies

Ask yourself if you ever lie, and if yes, what do you lie about?

For me, it’s that I don’t always tell my partner the price of my clothes. Yeah, they are that expensive. Sometimes I buy things and don’t even think about the price in my own brain. Thus I, to some extent, lie to myself.

This is a lie by omission. If asked about the price, I would tell him. I also want to point out that we don’t have shared finances and that it is, at the end of the day, my money, and I really love fashion.

Your lies say something profound about you

Take a moment and think about your lies. It’s interesting what they say about you. Also, ask yourself to what extent you lie to yourself about the same thing?

Sometimes we lie to be nice

We might also lie if someone asks us if they look good in a specific piece of clothing or if they have gained weight. In this case, we lie to protect their feeling and, in many cases, to make them feel better. People don’t always need to hear the truth.

But since you are googling is lying in a relationship ever forgivable? I take it the lie was pretty substantial.

Lying is manipulative

When you look at your boyfriend’s lie, you should acknowledge the fact that lying is a form of manipulative behavior and one that often doesn’t exist in a vacuum.

When lying is present other manipulative behavior is, in most cases, present as well.

To help you make sense of it all, we wrote an extensive guide about Manipulative Behavior. You have to learn more about this subject and be on the lookout for other examples of manipulative behavior in your relationship.

Lying is about being afraid of intimacy

Lying is also a way to push the other person away. Lying is a way to push you away. One part of him wants you to be upset and to leave him.

Manipulative behavior is destructive to human relationships and what you have to ask yourself is if you want to be around a person that is destructive and afraid of true intimacy.  

He is holding back part of himself

Lying is a self-sabotaging behavior because the liar is always, albeit on a subconscious level, aware of his lies.

As a way to deal with this, he won’t show up as his full person in the relationship. There will always be parts of him he is holding back. You can take a look at our guide to emotionally unavailable men, 10 signs of an emotionally unavailable man.

We lie to ourselves

Some lies are a direct result of the lies we tell ourselves. You might have observed this close connection when I asked you to examine the lies you tell yourself.

This is most likely the case when it comes to the situation that has led you to ask if lying in a relationship is ever forgivable. Your boyfriend didn’t want the truth to be the truth, and because of this, he lied about it.

The truth was uncomfortable for your boyfriend. He didn’t want to admit to it. He might have been so deep in self-denial that he even partly believed the lie he was telling you.

We lie from a point of weakness

Another important point to realize is that the liar is not a happy person. But you probably already knew that. Because that’s the thing about lies, they tell us a lot of things about the other person, and neither of those things is good things.

That he has lied to you tells you that his self-esteem is not as high as you thought it was. It also tells you that he has serious problems navigating interpersonal relationships.

Toxic relationships are a drug

Your boyfriend is probably really sorry that he lied to you. He might be crying and asking you for forgiveness.

Since you are a nice person, you want to give him what he needs. But I urge you to take a step back and think about the dynamics of your relationship.

He will treat you nicely to win you back

A toxic relationship, in many ways, works like a drug.

So, when you catch your boyfriend in a lie, he might be the sweetest and nicest person on earth. Most likely, he will treat you nicer than you have ever been treated before, and it’s easy to be seduced by this behavior. And to some extent, both of you get high on his amends.

A toxic relationship is an emotional roller coaster

You get caught in the roller coaster of a toxic relationship where the highs feel so high because the lows are fucking low.

To learn more about toxic relationships and make sure you are not participating in one, I strongly recommend that you read our article 13 signs of a toxic relationship.

He lies because he doesn’t feel good about himself, and that’s also why it is so tempting to forgive a lie. You do understand him.

Put the spotlight back on you

When you are wondering if lying is ever forgivable in a relationship, the answer will not be about him. It will be about you.

Now is the time to take a closer look at your self-esteem. Ask yourself if you have a pattern of getting into unhealthy relationships that undermine the relationship you have with yourself?

Ask yourself difficult questions

Do you put up with too much destructive behavior just because you want to be loved? Are you respecting yourself and your borders? Other people might hurt you, but it is also your responsibility not to invite those kinds of people into your life.  

His lie is one part of the puzzle.

But the most important part is always going to be you. This question is about your needs and your borders. When you ask yourself, is lying in a relationship ever forgivable, the answer will be; what kind of relationship do you have with yourself?  

Is this behavior acceptable?

If someone had treated your best friend or sister like this, how would you feel on her behalf? What advice would you give her?

Sometimes it is also helpful to look at what a healthy relationship should look like. Read our article How do you know if you are dating the right person? You will understand which six signs you should lockout for to know that he is a keeper.

Forgive or not forgive, it’s your choice

We do have to make difficult choices. That’s part of being human. We are not perfect, and our relationships certainly are not perfect.

Sometimes people do improve. It’s not impossible to move on from a lie and work towards making the relationship stronger. We do get to know each other through the mistake we make. When we accept and love someone for who they truly are, the result is beautiful.

He subconsciously wants you to leave

A lie can also be a mistake. We all do fucked up things when we feel vulnerable.

A lie can be a way your boyfriend is testing you. He subconsciously expects to be abandoned, and thus he acts in a way that forces you to abandon him.

The lie tells me a lot about your boyfriend, despite the fact that I never meet him. He has an enlarged ego, but deep down, he is a very lonely and insecure human being.

If you love him, you can give him your sympathy

But the thing is, the more we try to fix other people, the more we might end up hurting ourselves. You have to ask yourself if he is worth it.

Is who he is so special to you that you are prepared to compromise with your morals?

How to move on after lying

If you decide that, under certain circumstances, lying is forgivable in a relationship, you will find yourself in a situation where you need to heal your relationship.

You will need to do the grand act of forgiving. The more genuine and authentic you can be in your forgiveness, the more likely the two of you will be able to move on to the other side.

Refrain yourself from destructive behavior such as being passive-aggressive or taking revanche on him in other ways.

Practice clear communication

When someone has lied to you, you need to do some soul-searching to figure out what you need to be able to move on. The next step is to communicate those needs to your boyfriend clearly.

Be very clear about what you need from your boyfriend to be able to trust him again. Tell him exactly what you need from him. Give him some time to work on himself and after the time has passed, evaluate if he has delivered on your need or not.

A Final note

As a general rule, lying in a relationship is not forgivable. The reason behind this is that lying indicates a much bigger problem. A lie is the tip of the iceberg. Sure, you can choose to overlook the lie, but you will still be left to deal with all the huge underlying issues. Lying is just a symptom, and in a majority of cases, it’s a symptom that means something is seriously wrong.

Forgiveness is possible

You can choose to forgive the lie. There is nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance. Just make it a conscious choice where you are aware of all the implications.

When you do choose to forgive, the more understanding and empathetic you can be towards your partner, the better your forgiveness will be.