Is it okay to break up with someone to find yourself?

We help you figure out what’s going on

You look at your perfectly fine relationship, and you wonder if there is something else out there. Something more, maybe more of being truly yourself? And you start to wonder; Is it OK to break up with someone to find yourself?

Are you missing out?

Are there exciting life-transforming events that you miss because of your relationship? Maybe a career opportunity you had to turn down?

Relationships have a tendency to grow dull and stale, and sometimes you cannot stop yourself. You grow dull and compliant as well.

Let’s figure out what’s really going on?

First of all, it is absolutely OK to break up with someone to find yourself.

When should you break up with someone to find yourself?

Relationships often hold us back on a practical level. Because of our relationship and the situation of our significant other, we don’t move to a new city.

We turn down a new postision or the chance to get a new education. If you have something practical you want to achieve, but you feel like your relationship is holding you back, it’s absolutely OK to break up with someone to pursue one of your lifelong dreams.

Which dreams are you not fulfilling?

To find out if this particular relationship has run its course, do take a closer look at your goals and aspirations.

Do you want to study Spanish in Havana or spend a semester in Tokyo? Maybe you just want to have the possibility to apply for jobs in other parts of your country?

Don’t hold back your dreams

If any of this rings true for your situation, you should put yourself first and try that new adventure you are longing for.

Maybe your relationship will be strong enough to survive you trying new and exciting things. Maybe you will indeed lose your boyfriend if you test your wings.

Whatever the outcome, you holding back is not the solution.

Your goals are important

To put your goals and desire too much on the back burner to keep your relationship afloat is a recipe for regret and bitterness. Ask yourself, honestly, what things would you pursue if you were single?

Yes, sometimes a relationship does hold you back

A lot of people will tell you that in a healthy, happy relationship, there should be room to find yourself.

But let’s just take a moment and acknowledge the fact that this is not entirely true. Our time is limited. Relationships do hold you back, and the faster you come to terms with this conclusion, the easier it will be to make the right decision about whether to end your relationship or not.

Because you will find the answer to that question by figuring out exactly to what extent your relationship holds you back.

Do you want a critical take on relationships, check out our article Relationships are overrated.

Can you stay in the relationship and find yourself?

Some people will tell you that in the right relationship, you should be able to find yourself. In most cases, this is true, but when you are in a relationship, there will always be parts you need to compromise about.

If you do want to spend 10 hours a day writing a novel, your relationship might have to end. It does depend on how important those other goals are to you.

You do have obligations to your boyfriend

When someone is in our life, they have a claim to our time. We owe them tenderness and attention. We rush home from work to spend quality time with them.

The choice if it’s OK to break up with someone to find yourself has to be yours. Approach the choice with open eyes, and you will make the right choice.

Figure out exactly why you think the relationship is holding you back

Let’s bring out the magnifier and take a closer look at your relationship.

Ask yourself a couple of questions. How does the relationship you have today differ from your dream relationship? In what way do you think and feel that your relationship is holding you back from finding yourself?

Find the real reasons

When you answer those questions, try to be concrete since “holding you back” is a very diffuse expression. Bring all your doubts out in the daylight. Examine them, and you will be in a much better position to make a decision about your future.

Visualize your dream life

Ask yourself for a visual image of what your life would look like without your relationship. How would you feel when you wake up in the morning? Where would you wake up?

What would your daily routine look like?

Allow yourself to fantasize. This is the best way to explore who you would be if it weren’t for your relationship. Don’t hold back. Go all in when it comes to this fantasy version of yourself.

Sometimes our relationship becomes an excuse for all the things we don’t do

Now when you have spent time thinking about being single, it’s time to put the focus back on you and your role in your relationship.

A lot of times, we use our relationship as an excuse to not do the things we want to do. It’s not the relationship that holds us back. We hold ourselves back, and instead of admitting to being lazy and afraid, we put the blame on the relationship.

Can you stay n the relationship and be happy?

Is it true that you cannot fulfill those dreams while in a relationship? Which small steps can you take towards becoming this new person? Is there a version of the future where you become her and, at the same time, stay in the relationship?

We break up and discover it was about us

This has happened to me more than once. I was unhappy. I blamed my boyfriend.

All my problems seemed to originate in him. He didn’t have any ambitions. He didn’t have any money. We never did anything fun.

I ended the relationship, only to discover that the unhappiness and lack of direction stayed. It wasn’t about him. It was always about me.

What are you longing for?

Be honest about your own unhappiness and, foremost, about the fact that you are responsible for your happiness, relationship, or no relationship. When you ask if it is OK to break up with someone to find yourself, the better question is, what exactly is missing from your life?

You might need more time to be with just yourself

Having a relationship takes a lot of time.

Between work, hobbies, and your relationship, you might simply not get enough time for yourself. You might become frustrated with your boyfriend because of the simple fact that you miss yourself.

Make spending time with yourself a priority

Before you go through with the breakup, try and take more time for yourself. You thinking about breaking up can also be because you are not good enough at setting borders. Say no to things. Spend time alone. Say no to hanging out with your boyfriend.

You are allowed to prioritize yourself even when in a relationship.

Take a trip on your own

One thing I strongly suggest is to go on a trip alone. This way, you get mental and physical space to be just you. You will get to know yourself better, and you will discover things about being alone in the world.

You see more clearly who you are when you are not in a relationship

One of the reasons why it’s hard to find yourself when in a relationship is that you do lose a bit of yourself when you are coupled up.

When you are in a relationship, to some extent, you always become codependent.

Your boyfriend’s happiness becomes your happiness. In a healthy relationship, this is a beautiful thing. But in a lot of relationships, this mechanism is exactly what’s holding you back.

Put all the focus on you

You can work on your self-esteem when not in a relationship. Read this article about How to appear more attractive as a woman. It’s really about self-esteem. I also always recommend this inspiring woman, for all your relationship needs.

To see if you need to break up with your boyfriend, have a try-out period when you do try and work on yourself while still in the relationship.

If you are thinking about breaking up, you have good reasons

Another aspect that needs addressing is that if the idea of a break-up is appealing to you, there are probably other things going on. Asking yourself; Is it OK to break up with someone to find yourself? It sounds to me like it’s only the tip of the iceberg.

To figure out what you will do, you need to figure out exactly what is not working for you in this relationship.

Are there aspects of your relationship you are not happy with?

Or you just don’t have a good enough reason to stay

Maybe there is absolutely nothing wrong with your relationship?

You just don’t feel the spark anymore.

If this is the case, it’s absolutely OK to break up with someone to find yourself? But breaking up with your boyfriend might not be a solution to your problem.

Your relationship reflects the relationship you have with yourself

Because you will only find another boyfriend and before you know it, you will be in the same situation with him, asking yourself if it’s time to break up with him to find yourself.

We should not look to our relationship to supply us with the spark. We should bring the spark and the passion to our own life, both if we are single and if we are in a relationship.

Next step; adventure

Are you longing for excitement and adventure? Ask yourself how you can give those two things to yourself?

It’s OK to leave, It’s also OK to stay. When we fall in love, we get high, and all sorts of hormones are released in our systems.

After a couple of years, this rush wears off, and what remains is the truth about the relationship.

You can stay in your relationship and still have an adventure in your life

Be aware, so you don’t break up with your boyfriend because other people think you should try to be single. Even if the two of you meet early in life, there is still room for individual development. And there is certainly room for adventure and excitement.

Here is our in-depth guide on keeping the spark alive and staying in love; How to make someone stay in love with you.

A walk down memory lane

Think back to the enthusiasm and passion you had when you first met your boyfriend. What has changed? What would that woman tell you if she got a say in your decision?

In what way have you changed? How did the relationship turn out to be different from what you first thought it would be like?

To get more clarity, you can also read our article How do you know if you are dating the right person?

A Final Note

Only you know what’s going on in your relationship.

We, as humans, are always pulled between our longing for adventure and our need for comfort. Both those sides have helped us develop as individuals and as a specimen. What you feel is just the natural biological pull of our two basic needs.

Stay or go? Freedom or safety? Love or singleness?

You will know, in your heart, which path is the most beneficial for you.