What to do when you want more sex than he does?
Of the two sexes, men are viewed as the more sexual -always up for it-can’t get enough- kind of human. With a bit of life experience, we often discover that this is not always the case. Sure, men love sex. Most men want more sex than their partners. But the opposite is more common than you might think. Plenty of women find themselves in a situation where they have a higher sex drive than their boyfriend.
The solution to the problem is a combination of the following thing:
Have a sex life with yourself. Talk about your feelings with your boyfriend. Don’t be mean or judgmental about the subject. It’s normal that people have different sex drives. Immerse yourself in your passions as a way to channel your sensual energy.
Some things are hard to change
No one else owes us sex, not even our partner. We cannot change another human. If your sex drives are really mismatched, you can consider opening up the relationship. If that’s not an alternative, you have to learn to accept things the way they are.
Sex is only one aspect of life. If you can’t be happy with the sex life you do have, consider walking away from the relationship.
Two things to consider when you have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend
There are two different things to take into consideration when you think about this problem. First of all, humans have different sex drives. Thus it’s completely normal for your man to want sex once a week, while you might crave it every day.
In almost every couple, there is a mismatch between their sex drives.
The problem sneaks up on you
In the beginning, things are easy.
Both of you are horny and happy and eager to make this new amazing person satisfied. But as the honeymoon phase wears off, each partner’s sex drive reverts back to its baseline level. And it can be a cold shower to discover that you are not as compatible as you originally thought.
Other factors influence a person’s sex drive
The other thing you have to consider is that sex is an indicator of what is going on between you and your partner and also what’s going on in your partner’s life.
That your partner is not feeling especially horny right now might have to do with things (for example, work stress) that are not related to you at all. When you are with someone for a long time, their sex drive will fluctuate, and your sex life will go through different phases.
We have to give our partner space
When we choose to connect a big part of our life and our emotional well-being to someone else, we don’t have full control over the ups and downs of the roller coaster ride of life.
When you have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend; Have a sex life with yourself
Time for some tough love; your partner is not responsible for satisfying you sexually.
Your partner is not responsible for you eating healthy, exercising, developing yourself intellectually, or you being a good parent.
You are responsible for taking care of your needs and your body, as well as taking responsibility for how you interact with the world.
1. Satisfy yourself
You might be protesting now. Sex is indeed different from all of the above examples. But to deal with the problem, you have to stop regarding sex as something your partner should give you.
Instead, regard sex as a side of you that you embrace and play with and enjoy, on your own or together with your partner.
Take responsibility for your own well being
When you make your partner responsible for your emotional well-being, it’s, unfortunately, a turn-off. Thus, pestering your partner for sex will make them less likely to want to have sex with you. I know it sucks.
You taking responsibility for your own emotional well-being (and sex life) will, with a bit of luck and combined with the other tips in this text, increase the sexual desire your partner has for you.
It’s worth a shot.
Try not to be resentful
Whenever you feel resentful against your partner for not giving you sex, bring your mind back to the conclusion above. Your partner is not responsible for you.
No one is responsible for the fact that you have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend. But you can, and should, take responsibility for your own sexuality.
2. Talk about it
Good communication is of absolute essence to make a relationship work.
Approach the conversation in a non-judgmental way. This is a conversation you should have out of the bedroom when both of you are well-rested and happy and have plenty of time.
Be vulnerable
Make sure that you talk about yourself, and how you feel. At the same time, it’s important not to put too much blame on him. Remember the point I made above, different people have different sex drives, and we are only partly responsible for our sex drives.
You can check out our article about Manipulative Behavior to know what not to do.
Ask him about his view
Ask your partner about his feelings and thoughts. Ask from a place of curiosity. Listen and try to understand. When we feel resentful, we might end up not hearing the other side.
Remember that none of you are wrong, it’s natural for you to have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend, but it could as well have been the other way around.
Approach the problem together
If the two of you have good communication channels, you can approach the situation as a problem both of you have been tasked to solve. Be creative and solution-oriented.
To tie back to the question raised in the intro, you should discuss if this situation is one where your libidos have always been mismatched or if something has changed lately? The answer to this question is important for how you solve the problem.
Possible solutions
Solutions that have worked for other couples include scheduling sex, and taking more time for intimacy without the sex.
Another idea is simply to have more sex. Sometimes the act of doing something makes us want it more.
3. Immerse yourself in a passion
Sex is one part of life, but it’s not our whole life. Sexual energy is a form of energy. You can find other ways to channel your energy. Think about things you are passionate about, things that give you a rush.
Dancing? Rock climbing? Learning a new instrument or a new skill? Maybe volunteering at an animal shelter?
Obviously, something physical with a bit of adrenaline rush is a better way to channel your sexual energy.
Increase attraction
Focusing your sensual energy towards something else can appear gimmicky, but don’t dismiss it too soon. Because the solution is two-folded. You get something new to focus your energy on, and your partner gets the opportunity to see another side of you.
Attraction tends to decrease in an intimate relationship, and one of the main reasons for this is that we get familiar and comfortable with each other. The exciting sex hormones that flood our brains at the beginning of the relationship get replaced by love hormones making us bond on a deeper level.
Your partner will see you in a new light
By taking a step back and immersing yourself in a pleasure outside of the relationship, away from your partner, you allow them to see you more like the strange, exciting human you were at the beginning of the relationship.
If it doesn’t work, you haven’t lost something. You have only learned wood carving or are able to run a marathon. Win-Win.
Another way to increase attraction is to make sure your partner stays in love with you. Many people overlook this aspect. Check out our article How to make someone stay in love with you.
4. Considering opening up the relationship
This solution is not for everyone. But thinking about open relationships will make you put relationships and sex in a broader, more philosophical perspective.
It’s a strange thing, the immensely high regard we humans have for monogamy. Why do we have it? Where does it stem from? In what way does it benefit us, and in what way does it hinder us?
Reflect on this.
When it comes to sex, many couple struggle
You probably know couples who you idealize.
You think they have it all, including lots of sex. Remember that we don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives. Most of those couples have struggled with fidelity and mismatched sex drives, as well as problems with general sexlessness. This is a difficult area for most people.
We ask a lot from our partners
You should not use this possible solution as a threat or a way to try and force your partner to participate in more sex. But it’s worth mentioning. It’s a lot to ask for one single person to satisfy us sexually, especially if our sex drives are mismatched.
An open relationship comes with advantages
Having an open relationship takes the pressure off your partner to be everything to you. This can be a solution for when you have a higher sex drive than your boyfriend.
The people who do prefer an open relationship advocate that opening things up can actually get rid of jealousy and lead to more intimacy and more sex with their primary partner, as well as more sex in general.
5. Accept things the way they are
When dealing with this problem, it’s important not to take it personally.
What another person does and doesn’t do has more to do with them than with you. When you feel rejected and frustrated, remind yourself that a man’s sex drive is dependent on his testosterone levels.
If he has low testosterone, his sex drive will be low too. There is little he can do to control this. If you have open communication and he is willing to work with the problem, he can get his testosterone level tested.
Be grateful for all the things you do have
Life is full of things that could be different.
You could be younger, hotter, richer. And you can try to achieve those things (well, except getting younger), but there is an argument to be made for accepting things the way they are and for being grateful for the things you have.
Focus on your spiritual well-being
If you have tried to fix this problem ina myriad of different ways, without the desired result. Maybe things have even gotten more tense. The two of you still having less sex than what you want. This radical approach can be just the way to move forward, away from demands and resentment.
Just accept.
You can become more Zen-minded about things by doing meditation and yoga and writing a gratitude diary.
6. Walk Away
On the other hand, life is also full of things you shouldn’t accept.
If you know you cannot live with anything even close to what your partner has to offer, it might be time to end the relationship.
Give the problem time, but also limit that time to something you feel comfortable with.
To push your own needs aside for too long will lead to bitterness. Sometimes the only solution is to accept the fact that you having a higher sex drive than your boyfriend was a problem impossible to resolve.
Give him some time
Try the methods offered above. Do some soul-searching. Only you can answer the question of whether the amount of sex will be enough for you. And to what extent you are willing to trade the positive things about the relationship?
In every relationship, we have to compromise
One thing I can say, is you shouldn’t depend on things possibly changing.
Hard to hear, even harder to accept.
Your partner might change, but he might also not change. Ever.
It’s easy to push your wants aside and hope that someone will change. But taking it to the extreme, this method will lead to resentment that will spill over to other parts of the relationship.
A Final Word
It’s also important that you give your partner plenty of affection and gestures of intimacy, such as hugs and kisses, without expecting sex.
The urge for sex doesn’t start in the bedroom. It has a connection to everything else that goes on in the relationship.
Admire him
Flirt with your guy, and give him some admiration. Don’t nag or be negative, it’s just not a turn-on. Most people want a lot of sex when they are happy with everything else in their life.
Ironically you can increase the chances of sex happening by not focusing on sex. Instead, turn your focus on being there for your partner and on all the other amazing aspects of the relationship. Enjoy those things, and the sex will happen.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
