How To Get Over Someone You Never Dated – Coping With Unrequited Love

9 crucial steps to healing and becoming yourself again

He was never yours, but you loved him as intensely as is humanly possible. You loved all his flaws and all the beautiful things that could have happened between the two of you. Getting over someone you never dated can be harder since there are so many question marks.

A love story that never was

Why could it not be the two of you? Was it something you did?

You also have an idealized version of him. In your mind you dated his potential and now, that dream is what you need to let go of.

1. Feel your feelings

The first step to getting over someone is acceptance. Accept that he will never be yours and feel those painful emotions.

Don’t suppress your sadness, instead try to let it out. Cherish your ability to love and feel strongly. The first step is to cry and listen to sad music.

It doesn’t matter that you never dated, you are allowed to properly grieve the relationship. Being sad is the key to moving on.

2. Come clean

Generally, I recommend telling the other person about your feelings.

Sometimes the very act of standing up for yourself will help you heal. You are proud of your love and you want the other person to know how you feel. You don’t want to hide how much he means to you.

Let go of hope

Often, we get stuck on someone because we still harbor hope that they will change their mind. (Or that they secretly like us.)

Being rejected is finally letting go of that hope. It is brutal. But it can also be very helpful.

Or keep your feelings to yourself

If it’s not the right situation to tell your love about how strongly you feel, you can skip this step.

Just make sure that you do the necessary soul-searching to understand why you don’t want to communicate.

What are you afraid will happen if you tell him the truth?

3. Go no-contact

The internet and I are in agreement when it comes to this strategy.

When you want to get over someone, you need to take a break from him. You need to detox your life from all the different ways he is present.

This is true for ending a long-term relationship and it is equally true even if the two of you never dated.

You are addicted to him

When you are in love with someone, they are like a drug to you.

Every time you are in contact with them, you are getting a fix. Thus, prolonging the addiction.

When you want to get over someone, you need to quit cold turkey style.

Social media no-contact

No contact also means that you are not allowed to look at his social media.

Every time you check up on him, you feed your love. I know it is tough, but it is nevertheless the truth. You need to step away from the fire.

You need to force yourself to focus on yourself

The reason why you need to take a break from this person is so that you can focus on yourself and on your healing.

4. Stop dreaming about him

This step is basically no-contact for your mind.

As long as you keep playing a romantic movie in your head, it’s hard to get over someone.

By fantasizing about this man, you keep your love active and alive.

Daydreaming

It’s nice to drift away to exotic holidays and passionate kisses, but when doing this you are only prolonging your suffering.

By being in love with the wrong person, you keep yourself from meeting the right person and falling in love with him.

It will take time

To stop thinking about someone doesn’t happen overnight. But the stricter you can be with yourself, the faster you will move on from this person.

When you feel the thoughts coming up, distract yourself. Go for a run. Call a friend. Do something creative.

5. Focus on taking care of your basic needs

Being obsessed with another human is a bit like having a depression. You have a hard time focusing on other tasks.

When you want to get over someone you never dated, I recommend bringing your focus back to the basics.

The 4 basic steps for reaching harmony

Make sure you sleep well, eat well and exercise. Also, make an effort to establish social connections in your life. These 4 things are the basics of a healthy life.

Force yourself to do them, even if you don’t want to.

Your emotional state will improve as a result.

5. Fulfill your own needs

Being unhappily in love with another person is a way for you to escape from yourself.

I don’t know you, but I do know that there are parts of yourself that you desperately want to avoid.

You avoid yourself

Your thoughts are preoccupied with this person you are in love with and as a result, you don’t deal with the things that you know you need to take care of. Check out this woman, she has some powerful insights into why we act the way we act.

Ask yourself what you need

Sit down with pen and paper and ask yourself what you are missing in your life? Care? Attention? Love?

The next step is to ask yourself how you can give those things to yourself.

It helps to think how you would want another person to give you those things. Mimic that exact behavior.

By giving those very things to yourself you will heal yourself. You will become less attracted to people who are not capable of giving you what you want.

6. Understanding him

The fact that you are in love with someone who is not ready for your love tells me that you have put him on a pedestal. This is an important realization when you ask how to get over someone you never dated.

You don’t see the real him, you see a highly romanticized version of him.

Knock him off the pedestal

To get over him you need to get back to a fair and balanced picture of who he is.

You also need to be honest with yourself about what is capable of giving you.

Focus on his bad traits

Time to write a list of all his bad habits. Every time you long for him, gently bring back your focus to the things you don’t like about him.

He is not the guy for you

In this list, you should also write about the different ways he doesn’t give you what you need. When you are pinning for a guy who is emotionally unavailable you trick yourself.

You imagine a version of him that simply does not exist.

See the real him

Is he ditching your calls? Only giving you breadcrumbs of his time? Is he flirty one day only to become cold and distant the next time you see him?

Whoever he is in relationship to you is not what you want in a man. You have to keep reminding yourself of this simple truth.

The more you can see the real him, the faster you will get over someone you never dated.

7. Realize he might be manipulative

This love affair of yours is not only about you and your shortcomings. He also has played his part. Most likely he has encouraged you.

Check out our article about Manipulative Behavior. He is not innocent.

Rose colored glasses

When we are in love with someone, we see an idealized version of them. Now is the time to realize that he is not that fucking great. He prioritizes his needs way above your needs. He likes your attention, and that is why he has encouraged you.

Emotionally unavailable men

Being able to recognize an emotionally unavailable man is valuable knowledge. If he rarely has had a relationship, or end all his relationships, he might fit into this profile. Make sure you read our article Confession of an emotionally unavailable man.

6. Question your motives

Sorry to break it to you, but being stuck in unrequited love is not healthy. We have taken a look at him, now is the time to put the magnifier back on you.

There is a reason why you have ended up in this situation.

This reason has nothing to do with the man in question and everything to do with you.

Do you think you deserve love?

I know it is a painful question, but it is one I have to ask. It is one you have to ask yourself. Only you can heal yourself.

If you keep picking men that are not available for a relationship, you have to change. Not making the same mistake twice is an important component of getting over someone you never dated.

Reflect on your situation

What leads up to this situation? Did he encourage you? If so, what does it say about him? Was there a point when you recognized a couple of red flags and as a result, you should have jumped ship?

Do you have a tendency to fall for the wrong guy?

Read this article Why can’t I forget him? to learn more about your behavior.

7. Examine your golden shadow

There are two sides to every coin, and that’s certainly true when it comes to getting over someone you never dated. Now when we have looked at his negative sides as well as your shortcomings, we turn the healing process to another area.

It’s time to take a look at all his positive qualities.

What’s missing in your life?

We don’t fall in love randomly. Your subconscious joined forces with your conscious and picked this guy.

We fall in love with the very qualities we long for

Your love for this man tells you what you are lacking in your life. He also tells you what you might already have that you haven’t fully embraced.

He is, ironically, the key to your inner world. 

Why did you choose him?

Why did you fall in love with him? Was it his strength? His intelligence?

Make a list of everything that is great about him. Also include everything you like about him and that speaks to you.

(You are probably going to like this exercise.)

Meet your golden shadow

Those very traits and qualities are your golden shadow

You might already possess those qualities. Often our golden shadow is parts of ourselves that we haven’t given enough attention to.

For example, if you like him because he is playful, that tells me that you need more playfulness in your life.

Realize that he expresses your repressed traits

Most likely you are already a playful person but life has made you suppress those traits

You fell in love with him because he represents a need, a need your subconscious was hoping he would fulfill.

Maybe he is easygoing and carefree?

Maybe he is predictable and stable?

Whatever attracts you the most in him are things that are missing from your own life.

Powerful knowledge, right?

How to finally move on

Now that you know why your subconscious chooses him you need (you probably can guess by now) to give those things to yourself.

It is easy to leave behind important parts of our personality. We might think that that side of us is something we don’t have time for. But those qualities always come back in the form of the people that enchant us.

You get over someone you never dated by getting in contact with those sides of you.

Keep it practical

This step can be very hands-on. Do you need to sign up for a university course to get more intellectual stimulation? Do you need to learn how to dance to bring more joy and sensualism into your life? Or maybe you need to go on trekking every weekend to awaken your inner explorer?

8. Find meaning in your unrequited love

True healing from every traumatic event happens when we find meaning in them.

When we manage to recognize what they gave us, we are ready to move on.

What positive impact has he had on your life?

Ask yourself what positive things he brought to your life? This can also be how you have grown as a result of getting over him.

We all make sense of our own story; this is your opportunity to do exactly that. Grow stronger as a result of this experience and you will no longer be dreaming about him.

9. Find someone who actually wants you

Dating might be the last thing on your mind. But when you feel excited about someone else, you know you have moved on.

Being excited about someone else will also help you in the process. By being interested in someone else you realize that he might not be the best option for you.

I recommend going on a couple of dates, try to do a bit of flirting.

Pushing yourself in this direction can help.

A Final note

It’s absolutely possible to get over someone you never dated. It takes lots of determination and self-reflection, but you will get there.

The good thing is that every little piece of healing you do will help you strengthen the relationship you have with yourself.

Falling out of love is an opportunity.

It’s a moment in your life where you can grow a lot as a person.