How to get a man to be vulnerable

We give you all the strategies to bring the two of you closer together

We all want deep and meaningful relationships. The man in your life also wants this. But the road to get there is not always clear. In this article, we tell you about different strategies regarding how to get a man to be vulnerable.

The answer is a combination of these seven techniques:

1. Ask him the right questions.

2. Know that he does want to open up to you.

3. Tell him about yourself.

4. Give him time.

5. Trust him completely.

6. Don’t put him down.

7. Be supportive of his life’s mission.

Now that you know what to do, let’s understand why these seven techniques work. You will also get lots of ideas on exactly how to use them.

What is vulnerability

Before we dive in, let’s take a closer look at vulnerability. Vulnerability is being open with who you are and what you want.

Sounds pretty easy and straightforward, right?

Vulnerability is sharing your feelings. It is also telling your partner about your hopes, dreams and fears.

Vulnerability is talking openly about how your past affects who you are today and the decision you have made in your life that makes you the person you are.

When a man is vulnerable with you, he tells you about his strong sides, but he also tells you about the things he hasn’t yet achieved and past failures.

1. Ask him the right questions

Many people have emotional walls around them. They don’t volunteer information. The thought of doing so might not even occur to them.

The answer to this problem is both easy and straightforward: Just ask.

He might not answer. Be OK with that. Choose another question at a later time. The questions could be something similar to the 36 questions that lead to love. What I mean by this is that you should choose to ask him interesting, intimate and open-ended questions.

We let someone in

These kinds of questions lead to a deeper and more intimate conversation. When we share the answer to these questions with each other, we are vulnerable. We give the other person a bit about ourselves by letting them come closer.

You can also ask simply everyday questions

Ask more complex questions at times, but don’t overlook the small questions. Examples of those might be:

How was your day?

What is on your mind?

Did you succeed with what you wanted to accomplice today?

So many people don’t open up simply because they are not asked the right questions.

When he does answer, it’s important that you are present and listens to the answer. Don’t judge. Cherish what he has shared. As a result of this, his trust in you will increase.

Offer him the possibility

If he answers with a simple yes or no, you can ask him to elaborate. But don’t do this all the time. You don’t want to push him too much. Instead, wait for him to open up. But always be present with a simple question and offer him the possibility to be vulnerable with you.

2. Know that he does want to open up

No human wants to be alone.

Without emotional closeness, the world is a dark and lonely place.

Most humans, and this includes men as well, long for deep, meaningful relationships. He wants to connect with you. When you know this in your heart, you will be more relaxed with trying to get him to open up, and as a result, he will indeed open up.

The more you are at peace with him exactly as he is, the more he will begin to trust you and the more likely it is that he will be vulnerable with you.

3. Tell him about yourself

To get a man to be vulnerable with you, make sure that you yourself are open and vulnerable.

Tell him intimate things about yourself, both big things and small details. Focus on truly giving him the chance to get to know you. Being vulnerable in a relationship is a great way to deepen the relationship.

Be emotionally available

When you have thoughts, share them with him. Be honest and straightforward. Sometimes it helps to inject a bit of humor and self-reflection into the story. But it is also important to give him the truth, straight from your heart.

If you want to become better at being vulnerable with your partner, check out our article How to be more emotionally available.

Tell him about your imperfections

Tell him about times when you felt weak, or when you made the wrong decision, or when you allowed a character flaw to get the better of you. So many conversations we have on a daily basis are only regarding surface stuff.

Try digging a bit deeper within yourself. Bring him the hidden and unexpected.

In the end, ask him, “Have you had any similar experiences?” Or “Can you relate to what I just told you?”

4. Give him time

We are most vulnerable with people who have known us for a long time. This behavior is both natural and healthy.

You should not expect someone to be too vulnerable with you too soon.

Instead, give the trust between the two of you plenty of time to develop.

If you are wondering what you are supposed to do with all that time, since deep conversation is out of the question, let me suggest an activity that both of you enjoy.

Do something together

This can, for example, be; practicing a sport, cooking together, listening to music together, watching a sport, or gardening.

Try to find common ground in achieving or doing something together.

This is how you get a man to be vulnerable; you show him that he can be himself and relax around you.

You show him that conversation is not even necessary when the two of you are immersed in an activity both of you enjoy.

Sometimes deep conversations occur as a result of this shared intimacy, sometimes not. Don’t try and make him talk, relax and be present in the moment.

Trust him completely

Trust comes in many different versions and forms and they are all important. That you trust him is especially important for a man. Men simply love to be trusted. The more trust he receives from you, the more manly he feels.

To get a man to be vulnerable with you, show him that you trust him completely. He will pay back the favor by being vulnerable with you.

Trust his judgement

Trust his ability to make good decisions. You should, obviously, also trust his dedication and loyalty to you. When he makes a claim or a suggestion, trust him. Trust his opinion when it comes to restaurants, activities and how to handle money.

We all want to be loved for who we are

As you can see, there are many different ways you can show him your trust in him. Also, always give him positive feedback for the decisions he makes. This will make him realize that you see him for who he is and that you like him for who he is. And this little nugget is what all humans want from their partners.

Trust his choices

When he does something wrong, you still trust that he had the best intentions and that he did what he at that time thought was the right decision. Trust his intelligence.

If you want to check out what not to do in relationships, read our article about manipulative behavior. Your relationship becomes stronger by avoiding manipulative behavior, and your man will become much more willing to be vulnerable with you.

5. Don’t put him down

So, this is going to be a hard one, especially if the two of you have been in a relationship for a while.

This point is nevertheless extremely important when you want a man to be vulnerable with you. When we interact as humans, and especially in romantic relationships, it’s often tempting to give the other person negative feedback.

I know we should be able to handle criticism, but the truth is that negative feedback most of the times affects us negatively. Negative feedback makes us feel worse about ourselves.

Don’t give him negative feedback

We don’t improve by hearing what’s wrong with us. And when you think about it like that is logical. We are often critical of ourselves, and we often struggle to improve in the areas where we fall short. We simply don’t need to hear what we are doing wrong; we know it already and we are working on it.

When you want a man to be vulnerable with you, don’t be negative or critical towards anything he does or anything he is. Ever.

Negativity makes him close down

Every time you are critical, he will close himself off a little bit more. Every time you are negative towards him, you take a big step away from him being vulnerable with you. Unfortunately, this happens even if your criticisms were justified.

Catch yourself every time you put him down and stop yourself before the gesture or the words leave your body.

Be supportive of his life’s mission

We all have things we want to achieve, and those things are usually very important to us. In fact, our life mission is the core of who we are as a human.

Some people are open about what they want to achieve, and they are more than happy to tell you all about it. Other people are less forthcoming. Even after years together, their life’s mission can still be a secret to you. To get him to be vulnerable with you, find out more about his life mission.

Support his aspirations

When you find out about his life’s mission and who he wants to be as a human, be supportive of this. Be impressed and interested and take him seriously. This is who he is. This is something he loves.

In our world, where many people are not religious anymore, the meaning we have decided for ourselves is very important to us. It is our religion.

You get a man to be vulnerable with you by listening to him talk about his life’s mission.

He is actually talking about who he is.  

Additional tips on how to get a man to be vulnerable

We are often not vulnerable with the people around us because we are afraid of not being loved.

We fear rejection and to make the rejection a little bit less hurtful, we never show the people around us, including our partner, who we really are. When the rejection comes, at least it’s not about us.

Understand the reason why your partner is not more vulnerable. Be patient and respectful. Also, make sure that you don’t fall into this trap yourself.

Healthy dependency

We are often not vulnerable because we are afraid of becoming too dependent on another person. There is not much you can do about this because learning that it is safe and OK to be dependent on another person is not a process that should be sped up. Just make sure that your partner knows and can feel that becoming dependent on you is safe.

If you want to read an insightful story about how to get men to be more emotionally open, check out our article How to make a man cry in bed.

Don’t be too dependent on him

Another big fear among men is that their partner will become too dependent on them. Show him that this is not going to be the case with you.

You are a person who can take care of yourself. You don’t need him, but you do want him. When you show him that you will not become too dependent on him, no matter what he does, he will feel more comfortable being vulnerable with you.

Be authentic

When he asks things about you, always answer truthfully. Be vulnerable with him and tell him things you haven’t told anyone ever before. When he asks you questions, he wants to learn more about you, it’s also a sign of vulnerability.

Some men are not good at asking questions, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to know. Some men are simply not as skilled in the art of asking questions.

So don’t wait for the questions to tell him about yourself. Pretend that the questions are already out there and answer them anyway.

A Final note

To be vulnerable and honest with another human being is a beautiful thing. You can practice being vulnerable and get people to open up to you with all the people you meet. To be receptive to people’s vulnerability is a skill, and just like any other skill, it can be developed. Foremost it is a skill worth having and one that will enrich your life.