How to Get a Friend Back: Understanding the Reasons and Finding a Solution

7 easy-to-follow steps to re-kindle the friendship flame

Having supportive and stimulating friendships is an essential part of a happy well-rounded life. Our friends make our life better. Sometimes they are what keep us sane in difficult times. So, when you ask how to get a friend back, I understand the magnitude of the situation. You miss your friend.

Let’s get her back, shall we?

1. Understand what went wrong

The first step to getting a friend back is to increase your understanding of why you are not as close as you would want.

Sometimes the reason is practical, she might have moved cities, changed jobs, or found a new boyfriend.

In other words, you are not as strong of a priority for her as you used to be.

Did you do something wrong?

There is also the possibility that you have let her down in some way. Try to view the friendship from her perspective.

I recommend journaling about the different sides of your friendship. Explore her shortcomings as well as your own. By journaling you let go of resentment and bitterness.

As a result, you become more grounded. When you manage to properly process the past, there is a bigger chance that you manage to get your friend back.

2. Take time for yourself

When a friendship has changed, it’s a good idea to give both of you a break. This is equivalent to a no-contact period when it comes to relationship break-ups.

You will both get perspective on the friendship by taking a step away from each other.

Put your friend on the back burner for a couple of weeks. With a bit of luck, she will start missing you.

If she is upset with you, the anger will decrease and when you come back, the two of you can have a constructive conversation.

Meet some new people

When you ask how to get a friend back this tells me that you don’t have enough close friends in your life. You might also be unsure how to get new friends.

Right now, you might feel that no one gets you the way she does, but she also comes with downsides. Now is the time to try to create new friendships.

Give yourself alternatives

When we want to make someone come back into our lives, we want to approach the mission from a place of abundance mentality. She shouldn’t be your only alternative.

If you are too attached to her, you cannot meet her as an equal.

If you have a hard time making new friends, you are not alone, read my article How to make new friends in your 30s.

3. Reach out to her for an honest conversation

When you have taken a break from the friendship, it’s time to re-enter her life as a stronger and wiser version of yourself.

Ask her if the two of you can meet and talk. It’s best if you can meet in person, but a phone conversation also works.

Tell her what she means to you

Before the conversation, prepare a couple of points you want to tell her. It’s important that you share from a point of vulnerability.

Tell her that you would like to be her close friend again.

Also, acknowledge the things you did wrong in the past. If you have hurt her, give her a heartfelt apology. It’s crucial that you address your shortcomings.

Ask for her opinion and feelings

You also should listen to her. Maybe she views the situation completely differently compared to you.

What does she think went wrong in your friendship?

This is your opportunity to dig a bit deeper and increase your understanding of her experience.

Be empathic towards her version of the events.

Create a plan

If the conversation goes well, you can jump straight to making a practical plan for how the two of you will start rebuilding your connection.

You might decide to have a video chat every second week, or go for a coffee date once a month. Find a routine that both of you feel good about.

Check out point 6 and 7 for more ideas on how this can look like.

If she is hesitant

It takes two to tango, this is true even in friendships. If she is not ready to let you into her life, just give her time. She needs to reflect on the friendship and the things you have told her.

If you are feeling desperate to get her back, read our article How to accept that a friendship is over.

4. Trust the uniqueness of your friendship

I find that many people who want a friend back are also worried that said friend will move on and forget about them. Maybe even get new and better friends.

You know how special your friend is to you, but you are afraid that the feelings are not reciprocated. Most likely, you feel inferior to your friend.

You mean a lot to her

I can tell that you are special to her. Great friendships are a rare occurrence in most people’s lives.

A true and deep connection between two people is always magic. Your friendship is more special than you might realize.

Trust in your ability to bring value to her life and to be as special to her as she is to you.

If you can be surer in the connection the two of you share, you have a bigger chance to get your friend back.

5. Be of value in her life

After addressing the esoteric aspect of friendship, I want to bring things back to the very practical side of friendship.

Human relationships are built on exchange. We do expect things from our friends. For example; practical support, emotional reassurance, and care.

It might sound crude, but understanding this simple truth will help you understand what went wrong. It will also help you in your mission to bring your friend back.

A friendship needs to be balanced

Most friendships fail because of a perceived imbalance in this exchange. Maybe you are doing all the talking and your friend feels like an unpaid therapist?

Maybe you always expect to be there for your friend, but you never stop to ask yourself how you bring value to her life.

To get lots of tips on how to be an amazing friend, read my article How to be a better friend.

Time to bring value

Even if you never had a serious conversation you can still use this step to try and ignite the friendship flame.

Put yourself in her shoes and ask what she appreciates. Do something for her. You can send her a book you think she might like. Or you can invite her to check out an exhibition of an artist that’s right up her alley.

If you hear she’s having trouble at her job, send her a text and say that you are there if she wants to vent.

Charm her to get her back

In this step, you are supposed to shamelessly use the fact that you know her better than anyone. You know what she needs and what she would appreciate.

You know what a perfect day would look like to her. Probably you also know those things that she never gives to herself, but genuinely appreciates. If she has kids you can offer to take the kids for a fun day, while she goes to the Spa.

Bring back the balance

The whole point with this step is that if she has become distant from you, the main reason is that you haven’t brought enough value to the relationship. Once you start bringing more value, the two of you will slowly form a closer bond.

Consider the ways she wants to be loved

The way she has shown you love is most likely how she prefers to receive love. Thoughtful gifts? Deep conversations? Quality time?

Give exactly to her what she used to like to give to you.

6. Find a common interest

Most friendships fizzle out because of practical reasons, you both got busy doing other things. There was no big fallout, just a million small steps that took the two of you in different directions.

To mitigate this problem, you will need to put in an effort. That’s why they say relationship takes work. This is true for friendship as well.

Do something together

If both of you are dedicated to the friendship, now that you have worked through some of your issues, the best way forward is to find something both of you like doing.

For example, taking a dance or yoga class.

You can also choose something simpler, like exploring a new lunch restaurant once a month, or go shopping together.

Personality needs and friendships

The more your chosen activity is aligned with both of your personality needs, the more likely you will be successful. Most friendships are built around common interests and passions. The more common activities, the more likely the friendship will blossom.

This is also one of the main reasons why it’s hard to keep the same friends throughout our lives, we all change so much. It’s easy to become miss matched in your priorities. Read my article How To Cope When Friendships Change.

7. Join her in her favorite activity

Is she still a bit distant? Maybe she is not as ready and dedicated to the friendship as you are. If that’s the case, you have to take a big step closer to her playing field.

As her friend, you know what her biggest passions are, make one of those your interest as well.

Write a list of all her biggest passions, it can be anything from traveling to food, to reading.

Keep showing up

Become involved in the things she likes. This way she gets to do her favorite activity, something she would have liked regardless and the two of you get quality time togheter.

A Finale Note

You can absolutely get a friend back. Most friendships go through an ebb and flow as our lives always keep evolving. Some friends are distant for a decade, only to later find themselves in similar circumstances and ready to reignite their deep connection.

Accepting that she is not as present as you would like, while at the same time keep putting in an effort to get closer to her, will be your best strategy.