How to find love after 50

A woman’s perspective and personal journey

 

This will not be one of those sunshine stories about how easy and fun it is to find love after 50. In fact, I’m yet to find my man, so I can’t even tell you how to succeed. What I can tell you are my best tips for dating in your 50s.

Move on from past experiences. Do a big clean-out. Buy new clothes that make you feel slightly different. Pursue new interests and passions in order to expand your social circle. Be serious about your dating and the fact that you are looking for someone. Decide which things you are willing to compromise on, and which things are deal-breakers.

3 life lessons

I’m going to tell you about 3 failed relationships and what they taught me about how to find love after 50. I will share my best tips and strategies. In the end, I might or might not find someone amazing to share my time with. If I don’t succeed I hope I will write about “How to find love after 80”. Because it’s never too late.

We have to be prepared for whatever life brings us.

I don’t think our age should be a determining factor for our dating success. But there are some interesting aspects worth mentioning when it comes to dating in your fifties.

The younger man

When my divorce was finalized, I was 49, and I was alone for the first time in nearly two decades. But the truth is I had felt alone for years.

The empty spot in the bed next to me felt like the materialized form of something I had known for years.

He didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to have him there. The world had caught up.

Make sure you really move on

When we are older, it’s increasingly easy to get attached to things. We get attached to our memories, and we start living our life more in the past than in the present. We also tend to have accumulated a lot of material things such as furniture and books.

In my case, I had a huge amount of holiday souvenirs from my 16 years together with my former husband. Those had to go. I also had to get rid of some of my routines. I experimented with new ways of exercising, new paths to walk my dog and even switching up what I ate and where.

I wanted change in all aspects of my life. When you are older and wondering how to find love after 50, I recommend doing the same.

Do a big clean-out

The first thing I did was a big overhaul. When I moved to a smaller apartment, I sold a lot of my furniture. I changed my hair color (it’s naturally grey, but I was new in the dating world and wasn’t prepared to go there just yet)  and bought a completely new wardrobe. If I had still had any money left, I would have happily had plastic surgery and bought a sports car.

I did enjoy the updated wardrobe (hello sneakers and leggings) and the slice of the ocean visible from my balcony. My youngest son was still living part-time with me and part-time with my ex-husband. The oldest moved away to college. Everything around me was completely new, bright and scary.

I had a new life, and I thought I was ready for love, so I had to ask myself how to find love after 50?

Start dating

Encouraged by my friends, I did what everyone (even my shrink) recommended, I started dating. I tried online dating, and as time and technology moved on, I downloaded a dating app and all of a sudden, I had all sorts of men, more or less available, in my phone.

Man, they say dating after 50 doesn’t have to be hard, but there were some real crap sacks I went on dates with. They all seemed so horny, so bitter, so disillusioned. I didn’t find anyone I liked.

Don’t dismiss online dating

Until one day, I went on a date with someone who had a cute smile and a cute dog. I still don’t know why he swiped yes. He was exactly 20 years younger than me. We got along well.

I did read a couple of guides on how to flirt and how to appear more attractive as a woman, to improve my chances with the men I did indeed like.

Surprisingly enough, he asked for a second date and a third date. And all of a sudden, it was time for sex. I kid you not, I’m reasonably confident, but I was scared. It turns out sex is pretty much the same regardless of age differences.

What I learned from dating someone much younger

We dated for a couple of splendid months before he moved to another city to pursue a career opportunity. When my friends asked about that relationship, I always said that he was the best in terms of communication. Maybe just because he had a lot of time and was willing to spend those hours talking. He was always asking me interesting questions and I appreciated that.

The most surprising part being with a younger man was the combination of shame for doing something forbidden and raw pride over getting someone who is clearly out of your league. I do have a greater sympathy for older men and their trophy wives after my own May-December romance experience.

When you want to find love in your fifties, don’t dismiss someone who seems genuinely nice just because he doesn’t fit with the picture you have in your mind.

 

The older man

We meet through our mutual interest in golf. When you find yourself single, I strongly recommend taking an inventory of your different interests. Ask yourself how you can enjoy your passions while at the same time meeting more people. This step is crucial when you want to find love after 50.

For me, this meant taking lessons and going on designated golf trips around the country. Basically, anything that gets you out of the house will help you. If you don’t meet any men, you certainly are not going to meet the right man.

Dating the old fashioned way

This particular man, let’s call him George asked me out and took me to a restaurant. I was not instantly attracted to him, but getting to know someone new would not hurt my case.

On the first date, I got flowers, on the second date, I got a necklace. He was a widow since many years and lo and behold, he was ten years older than me. Yes, it is true what everyone keeps saying, the dating pool is smaller when you are dating in your 50s.

George certainly felt amours arrow. He pretty much moved in on our third date. No need to spend his time alone. Or to spend retirement being bored at home. George treated me to one trip after another. My handicap improved immensely.

Trust your instinct

Despite his charm, I didn’t feel it. I didn’t fall in love. And to be totally honest, I think his age had something to do with it. I was just not ready yet to celebrate my boyfriend’s 70th birthday. I felt too young. The whole retiree lifestyle happened too soon for my taste.

My youngest son was still living at home. George was welcoming one grandchild after another.

Be brutally honest with yourself

It was a valuable lesson for every time someone discriminated me for my age. I gently recall that time I discriminated a man because of his age.

He was everything you could wish for in a partner, fun, considerate and genuinely happy with his life.

You can try and shame me all you want, but with old age comes restrictions, setbacks and, for most of us, a certain amount of diseases. I simply felt too young and healthy compared to him. In the end I had to trust my instinct. Better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I advise you to do the same.

The man that was my equal

Philip and I started talking at the gym. The similarities in our life stories were crazy at first. We had both recently left our careers to look for something more in line with our passions. Staying fit and healthy was a big part of our life. He looked absolutely splendid in those gym shorts.

We both had two teenage kids (I know that one is not exactly unusual). On top of this, we both had been married for exactly 16 years before deciding on divorce.

Family-approved

We immediately started dating, with no hesitation about age or how to mend our lives. Philip and I were at the exact same spot. His daughters took up a lot of his time. I totally understood. My sons took up a lot of my time.

The first few months were blissful. We talked about everything that had happened in our life so far and I felt we connected on a deep level. I thought my story about how to find love after 50 had arrived at a happy ending. My friends liked my new man and my sons were equally happy that I had found that special someone

There are things you should compromise on and things you shouldn’t

I was 55, and I was in love. Sure, I spent a lot of time sorting out things regarding my career change. I also spent time helping my sons with the choices they had to make.

Somehow things changed between Philip and me. Our sex life turned sporadic. I was still crazy about him, so this was terrible news. I tried a lot of things to spice things up, but his response was lackluster.

The sex life with my ex-husband had been a sour spot between us. I had often wanted more sex and more adventurous sex, than he was interested in. I didn’t want to enter into a similar situation, no matter how great the conversation was.

When I confronted Philip, he said he wasn’t a very sexual person. He didn’t think we had a problem.

I broke it off. Once again, I showed myself that I was not only 50 plus but also picky.

I recommend this article if you want to read about How to enjoy being single.

A Final Note

Both walking away from my husband and from my job were bone-cutting, gut-wrenching decisions. I spent many sleepless nights contemplating the right decision and the possible implication of whatever decision I made.

How little happiness is too little?

At the same time, I’m not a quitter. But what if the other person already has checked out? What if you only get one chance and you have to try and make yourself happy, even if the result is a big crash?

When I think back to my divorce, I think I was brave. I chose to be alone and take a risk rather than settle for something that was simply not stimulating enough. When it comes to finding love after 50, I have had to make the same decision 3 times. Let’s hope number four is the charm.