How to be an independent woman in a relationship

8 solid strategies for becoming strong and independent

To be independent even when you are in a relationship is extremely important. Many people dive head-first into their new love, only to regret everything they gave up later on. For your relationship to thrive and be long-lasting, it’s important that you have your own life and your own identity. That’s why the question “How to be an independent woman in a relationship” is such an important one.

If you are not independent enough, you are automatically needy, sad but true.

Why being needy is un-healthy

The problem with being needy is that it’s not attractive, especially not in the long run.

But to be honest, that’s only a small problem. The bigger problem looming in the future is that if you are overfocused on one area of your life, you will become unhappy. If you put all your energy into your love life, you will not develop and thrive in other areas.

Have a well-balanced life to be happy

For example, if you only focused on your career without giving attention to your health, family and interests, the result would be the same. You would become unhappy.

As humans, we need all the areas of our lives to be in balance. When you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship, that’s your answer. Give equal attention to all different areas of your life.

Don’t over-focus on your relationship.

1. Cultivate your own identity outside of the relationship

Many people get into a relationship and abandon their hobbies and sometimes even their friends.

The first rush of love can do this to us; that’s only natural. But when the infatuation phase tapers, it’s time to reconnect with those sides of yourself. 

Shift your focus back to friends and hobbies

Fun exciting hobbies and friendships are not things that just fall into your lap.

You have to cultivate those things. If you feel unsure about how to find new friends read our article How to make new friends in your 30s.

Work for the things that are important to you

Reconnect with friends and spend time with them without your boyfriend.

Explore a new hobby, sign up for a course. Whatever you do, get out there, socialize and learn new skills. Having your own identity will lead to you being an independent woman.

Obs, don’t drag your boyfriend along to these activities.

2. Have a career and make your own money

To be independent, it’s crucial that you have this very important area of your life under control.

A person who has her own money is already halfway to being independent.

Ask yourself, honestly, if your career is where you want it to be? Do you make enough money to give yourself the life you want to have?

If not, what is holding you back?

Believe in your goals

Take responsibility for the situation and make a plan to reach your goals.

Even if you have to work in a job you don’t like, it can still be a stepping-stone to reaching your dreams.

When you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship having your own money is absolutely essential. And that money has to come from somewhere. You have to work for them.

3. Have your own strong opinions

In a relationship, there is a lot of decision to be made, what to cook for dinner, what to do on the weekend, and how to spend quality time together.

“When it comes to those decisions and every other decision, it’s important that you have an opinion. People who come across as dependent often say things such as, “I don’t care; we can do whatever you want to do.” (Or a similar version.)

Observe yourself and see if you are guilty of this behavior.

Find out what you want

The good thing is that this is very easy to change, just by having an opinion

You might think that you are doing your boyfriend a service by going along with whatever he wants to do. But what he wants is someone who has her own ideas and lots of input in all areas of life. He wants a companion. We all do.

Compromises are ok

“This does not mean that it should be”my way or the highway.” You can still make plenty of compromises.

The important part is that you do have an opinion and that you state your opinion. (This goes for having an opinion about movies and books as well.)

We all want to get to know another person. We want to see them as they truly are. If you don’t state your preferences, it comes across as you don’t have a personality. That’s not attractive.

4. Develop a deep relationship with yourself

Having money and a career is an important step if you want to be an independent woman in a relationship, but as mentioned before, those things are only half the battle because you can be finically independent but still heavily dependent in other ways.

To become truly independent, you need to learn to trust yourself and to love yourself. This might sound like a cliché; I did to me.

But then I realized that the relationship we have with ourselves is a real relationship.

Find out who you are

To get to know ourselves, we need to ask ourselves questions, spend quality time with ourselves and be comfortable with doing nothing and being alone.

Ask yourself what you would need and want from yourself if you were in a relationship with yourself. Appreciation? Care? Quality-time?

Give yourself exactly the things you want

Give those things to yourself and you will feel yourself develop a deeper relationship with yourself.

When you do this, it’s important that you are present with yourself, just like you would be with a dear friend. Don’t check your phone, don’t watch Netflix, instead light a candle and journal about your feelings.

5. Don’t be co-dependent

When we are in a relationship, it happens easily that we adjust our mood to the other person. When your boyfriend is unhappy, you become unhappy. You are always trying to feel what he is feeling and adjust your feelings accordingly.

Be honest. Are you guilty of this behavior?

To a certain extent, this is natural, but taken too far, it is toxic.

If you ask how to be an independent woman in a relationship, you are most likely already a victim of this mechanism.

You adjusting your emotions to your boyfriend’s emotions is a form of co-dependency.

You are not responsible for each other’s happiness

You might take responsibility for making him happy when he is feeling down. Probably you also expect him to care for you and your feelings.

When those two things happen, you slowly lose your sense of having your own identity.

Don’t take on another person’s feelings. Instead, let them experience their reality and trust them that they can regulate themselves. Also, don’t make your boyfriend responsible for making you happy.

No one wants to be responsible for another person’s emotional state.

6. Continue taking care of yourself

Let’s get down to some practicalities; becoming someone’s girlfriend is not a carte blanche to let yourself go. Don’t always wear sweatpants 😉

Continue with your exercise regime just as fiercely as if you were single.

I know how nice it is to spend the evening cuddling, watching Netflix, and eating lots of ice cream.

A relationship, for a lot of people, is an excuse to stop being on their best behavior.

Make time for the things you love

Self-care takes time. But it’s important that you continue to take that time, even if you are in a relationship. You will respect yourself more in the long run.

Cook healthy food, go for a long run, take a bath. Be kind to yourself. Do everything you did when you were single.

You can also check out our article How to make someone stay in love with you, for additional tips on how to keep your relationship happy and healthy.

7. Have clear boundaries

A healthy relationship is formed between two people who are aware of their boundaries. If you don’t want to stay up, go to bed. If you don’t want to go to a party, stay home.

You might think that it doesn’t matter to you that much what you do and don’t do.

But not honoring your boundaries becomes toxic in the long run. It’s kind of a slippery slope where you train yourself not to check in with yourself. Because listening to what you feel like doing takes more effort than following along with what your boyfriend wants to do.

Know what you want

A person who has solid self-confidence usually also has a strong notion of what they want to do, and they follow through.

If they want to go to bed early, they go to bed early. If they want to hit the gym, they do exactly that.

A certain amount of compromises is, of course, very healthy, but if you want to increase your independence, listening to yourself and trusting yourself, is a crucial part of achieving this goal.

8. Respect your boyfriend’s boundaries

If you always follow along with what your boyfriend wants to do, I’m sure you get resentful if he doesn’t make the same sacrifices for you. But in a relationship is important to give the other person plenty of space to be themselves.

That’s how you make him free and valued.

Let him be himself

If your boyfriend says he wants to have some alone time, respect that. If he wants to play video games, respect that. If he wants to hang with his friends, respect that.

Giving him the space and trust to make his own decision is how you are independent in a relationship. You know he values the relationship and you trust him.

State your needs

You can still state your needs, the important thing is that you do this through clear communication, instead of becoming sulky or making passive-aggressive remarks.

If you want him to spend more time with you, say so. You can frame your need in a positive way. For example, “I would like to do a fun activity together once a week.”

A final note

To have a relationship and still be an independent woman is a goal worth pursuing. If you are independent the right way, your relationship will be fulfilling for both of you.

Working towards becoming more independent is actually you working on yourself. Challenge yourself, do some unusual exciting things you normally wouldn’t do.

Spend time asking yourself who you want to become and what you want out of life.

A strong and happy relationship with yourself is the best thing you can have. When you have this, everything else falls into place.