Does your partner like to play the blame game? He takes zero accountability but likes to point out all your shortcomings? He often tells you that your actions are what lead to his emotional state. When he gets angry, it is still you who fucked up. You are left feeling sad and thinking, “Why is everything always my fault in my relationship?”
It is not OK to always put the blame on you
To have a partner who constantly puts the blame on you is not a healthy relationship. It is not an acceptable behavior.
However, there are things you can do to try and save the relationship.
I’m guessing that this man has many amazing qualities, and you want to create a healthy, supportive relationship.
Let’s give it a go.
There is a solution
Before we deal with the situation, we need to understand what’s going on. A deep understanding is the first step towards fixing this problem.
Deal with conflict in a healthy way
Conflict occurs in every relationship. This is natural and nothing wrong. The question is how we deal with conflict.
There is a good way, and there is a bad way. Right now, your partner is stuck in the bad way of dealing with conflict, and you are stuck there with him.
Our ability to handle conflict can make the relationship stronger, or it can lead to a complete breakdown of the relationship.
Toxic relationship
If you feel that everything is always your fault in your relationship, there is a big chance you are in a toxic relationship.
Sorry to break it to you, but you probably already suspected as much.
Always feeling inadequate in your relationship is one of the main signs that you are in a toxic relationship.
Is your partner emotionally abusive?
Blaming you for just about everything is a form of emotional abuse. When you always get the blame, you feel small and inadequate and you feel shame.
Are you constantly apologizing for stuff?
This is not OK. You should not have to feel like this.
However, your partner has his reasons for acting the way he is acting. He most likely doesn’t want to be an asshole.
This is the only way he knows how to be. He learned this behavior early on.
6 main reasons for not being able to take responsibility
1. They are a perfectionist
Nothing is ever good enough for the perfectionist. They have extremely high standards, and they need to be in control. This kind of person is often very hard on themselves as well.
They blame themselves for a lot of things and are constantly trying to live up to their own impossible standard.
2. They are a narcissist
Blaming the other person for just about everything is a manipulative behavior. By behaving in this way, the narcissist erodes your self-confidence. You feel like you are not good enough. You become hypervigilant and are always playing catch-up.
The narcissist gains control over you by making you insecure. Make sure you read my article about manipulative behaviors.
There is a big chance that someone who makes you feel like everything in the relationship is your fault, is a narcissist.
3. They learned this behavior in their childhood
Most behaviors we exhibit were modeled to us in our childhood.
Most likely, your partner was blamed for a lot of things that weren’t his fault when he was a child. Now, he just thinks this is how a relationship works.
He might not consciously think this, but this is how his subconscious operates.
When you want to feel more empathic towards him, remember that it’s not him who is acting this way; it is his subconscious programming that is running the show.
4. They have low self-esteem
A person with solid self-esteem will not try to deflect.
One of the main ways to distinguish someone with high self-esteem is their ability to take responsibility for their shortcomings and mistakes.
Want to know more? Make sure you read my article What Causes Insecurity In A Relationship – How Can You Fix This?
5. They don’t feel emotionally connected
You may not believe this, but when your partner starts a fight, they feel disconnected from you. They want more attention. They might even feel like you don’t love them and by criticizing you, they
Be aware that your partner, deep down, wants closeness, and that’s why they pick a fight.
Now, when you know this simple truth, it can help you be less reactive.
6. They project their reality on you
Some people are deeply unhappy. They never feel calm and satisfied. Instead, they have a dark animal that is always eating away at the pit of their stomach. These people can be very good at hiding their darkness, after all; they have spent their whole life pretending to be happy.
Their unhappiness is about them
But deep down, they feel unhappy and they are constantly looking for reasons as to why they are unhappy.
The blame falls on you since you are the person closest to them.
So, when they complain that you cooked the dinner the wrong way or that you are messy, they project their feelings on reality.
Everything is actually good
The reality is that the dinner is perfectly fine. In fact, another person would be happy with the simple fact that someone had cooked dinner for them, and you are a tidy person.
Reality is fine. You are nice.
But since their inner world is dark, that’s how they view things.
What they are telling you is not the objective truth but their projections on the situation. They make you think everything in the relationship is your fault because they see faults everywhere.
“We don’t see things as they are we see them as we are.” Anais Nin.
Primary and secondary trigger pattern
Almost all couples have a trigger pattern. We often fight about the same thing, and our fights follow a pattern.
You do something, and that act or those words trigger something in your partner. For example, if you forget to call them and tell them you are late, this triggers them to feel unloved. When you respond by being defensive (since their reaction triggers your feeling of always being controlled), they feel defective for never being able to have a healthy relationship.
This is a trigger pattern. It is your trigger pattern that makes small conflicts spiral into big conflicts.
Blaming you is a way to seek an emotional connection
When your partner lashes out at you, he wants to be seen and to be reassured that he is loved.
This doesn’t make his behavior OK. Not at all. Someone who always accuses you of being bad can wreak havoc with your self-esteem.
It is, in fact, one of the secret motivators behind his behavior. He feels bad. He also wants you to feel bad because then the two of you will be united in your feeling of unhappiness.
Now we know a lot about why you feel like everything is always your fault in your relationship, and we can look at some solutions.
1. Find out what triggers the “blame game?”
Think back and reflect on your five last conflicts. What started the downward spiral? Was both of you tired and hungry?
Were you, in fact, just about to go somewhere else and leave him to himself and his demons?
Was your partner feeling particularly shitty about something else that was going on in his life?
You might not be able to stop his behavior, but a better understanding of his triggers will give you yet another tool to navigate this tricky situation.
The more you understand, the less reactive you will be.
2. Change your inner response
When he blames you for things, what are you feeling? What are you thinking?
The best thing you can do is to write down your emotional reactions. Do you feel unloved? Unworthy? Defective?
His behavior is triggering a negative response inside you. You can absolutely mitigate the strength of this response.
If someone calls you a shitty friend, but you know 100 percent that this statement is not true. (In fact, your best friend adores you and often points out how lucky she is to have someone like you in her life. ) Well, the comment will not sting the same way. You will find it absurd.
You can give yourself love, safety and a sense of wholeness.
The more you give those things to yourself, the less reactive you will be towards his accusations.
Take care of yourself and your sanity
Meditating and journaling about your feelings is the best way to do this. When you do these things, you feel loved and seen by yourself and you will need less love and attention from other people.
Their negativity will not hit you with the same force.
You will be mentally stable.
It is hard to insult someone with rock-solid confidence.
A partner knows our weak points
Unfortunately, this tactic is especially hard to use with a narcissist. We all have things we are insecure about, and a narcissist will target those exact things.
If he accused you of being a bad listener, you might not feel the insult (since you know yourself to be a good listener.) He will target the things you often criticize yourself about.
Pay attention next time to what he blames you for. These things are probably the exact things you need to work towards accepting about yourself.
He will target your weak points. But this will also give you a roadmap as to what you need to work on.
3. Be more understanding
After giving yourself some love and attention, it is time to turn the spotlight on him. He is a person who is hurting.
Hurt people hurt people.
You will never see a happy person with solid self-confidence latch out at someone else. It simply doesn’t happen.
His criticism comes from a place of insecurity.
Gently remind yourself that the faults in the relationship are not just your fault.
4. Remember his good sides
I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you love him. That’s why you want to fix this problem.
When things are good between the two of you, you can clearly see the possibility of a safe, supportive, amazing relationship.
If you just could fix him.
Right?
When you feel upset with him, do reflect on all his good sides. Focusing on the positives will make you less reactive and less likely to indulge in a trigger spiral.
For more constructive strategies, check out my article How to fix an unhealthy relationship.
5. Keep your cool
Don’t punish yourself with your inner voice. Don’t tell yourself that you are bad and that you will do better next time. Don’t think that you are bad at relationships and incapable of having healthy love in your life.
Punishment is not love.
Self-criticism is not love. You blaming yourself solves nothing.
Instead, approach the situation with curiosity. Ask him what he needs. Listen to him, hear him out. Be present and calm.
“What do you need?”
Do a mental check in with yourself and see if you are open to giving what he is asking for. If not, that’s also OK. You are not there to fix him. You are there just to be there.
6. Seek professional help
If you constantly feel that everything is always your fault in your relationship, this is a pretty alarming statement.
“Everything” and “Always” are strong words.
However, this kind of conflict is exactly one that therapy can fix. If you both accomplish the problem and are prepared to work towards a solution, you will have the wonderful relationship the two of you were always meant to have.
You just need the tools to be able to effectively communicate with each other. Therapy will give you exactly that.
7. Walk away
If your partner is a narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies, it is very hard to have a healthy relationship with them. Not to say impossible.
That you find yourself in this situation tells me you are an incredibly empathic and loving person.
Unfortunately, those exact qualities are something the narcissist is more than happy to exploit.
In this case, your empathy gets the better of you, and the solution is, in fact, very easy and straightforward; you should walk away. You should break up and move on with your life.
Some people are impossible to save
You are alive. You have a lot of love to give.
It is possible for you to find happiness on your own (trust me on this one).
Being single is scary, but you will have time to heal yourself and give yourself the love you need.
Don’t stay in an abusive relationship.
A final note on Everything is always my fault in my relationship
I’m truly sorry you feel that way. To feel that amount of blame and guilt will surely demolish parts of your self-confidence.
Your self-confidence is an important part of you, it’s your good healthy loving side, who cares for you and make you into a strong beautiful person.
Someone who always picks fights and criticizes you will destroy your self-confidence.
You need your self-confidence. Take care of this resource. Don’t allow anyone to shit on it.
You are loveable, worthy and whole.
Moa Ailert is the founder and editor-in-chief of Her Brilliant Friend.
She has a bachelor’s degree in philosophy and plenty of insight into human psychology from traveling and living in different places around the world.
Moa is currently based in Portugal where she has a guesthouse; Villa dos Irmaos.
She has various websites, among others Ericeira Insider, but Her brilliant friend is her true passion project.
