Dating in Your 30s As A Woman – All You Need to Know to Survive

9 unusual tips on how to navigate the dating- jungle

You know what makes dating in your 30s as a woman so hard according to my humble opinion?

All your friends are finding the one, getting married, and having babies.

The 30s are the big decade of settling down. Because of this, dating in your 30s can feel like a race where you are helplessly falling behind.

And I don’t even know if I want children.

Those damn wedding bells

In your 30s you have to attend weddings, baptisms and other events celebrating other people’s dating success.

I’m not going to lie, this constant exposure to “happily ever after” can make anyone bitter. It certainly made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

I was 35, I was single. Those two facts seemed to conspire against me, even though I knew there are far worse things to deal with. I mean there are things like war, famine, and cancer. Here over at my corner, no one is dying just yet.

I am solution oriented

I did therapy, I did an around-the-world trip, I dated a celebrity, and these 9 unusual tips are what finally gave me peace and happiness. Now I’m 36, single and not freaking out. Not at all. I promise you, it is possible to be at peace.  

If you feel frustrated, that’s ok too. You don’t need to go on pretending to be happy all the time. It sucks to be single against your will, I think your 30s is the decade when it sucks the most. Dating in your 30s as a woman is the hardest decade to do the whole dating game.

1. Don’t play the comparison game

What if you had no idea what was going on in other people’s lives? What if their reality had no bearing whatsoever on your reality?

Our life is only our own. We don’t exist in relation to other people. Even if it may appear that way from time to time.

Our failures and victories are ours. There is no law of nature that says we should compare.

Hello bitterness

I admit, after 40-plus Tinder dates and more than my fair share of horror dating stories, I was getting frustrated. I felt like a failure. Everyone else seemed to move on to the next phase of their life. I was jealous.

Get off social media

In Peru, trying to desperately find myself, I decided to delete all social media. Yes, that included Facebook as well. I went on a 20-day trek without my cell phone. I kid you not, I felt like I had gotten my life back. I even forgot how old was.

We always want what we don’t have

When you see other people’s lives, it’s so easy to want what they have. You forget about yourself and who you are. The desire to obtain their life overtakes you.

Or is that just me?

Set yourself free

I bet lots of friends buried in diapers probably wanted my life when I was instagraming my way around South America. I bet those Mayan ruins looked good.

The first step, for me as a woman, dating in my 30s, was to get off social media. You can do your own version. But if you take a look at your own frustration, I bet a lot of it stems from the comparison game. Quite that game and you are free. Social media is the forum that fuels your natural desire to compare yourself to your peers.

2. Don’t let your age define you

I don’t know who told you that being in your 30s is equal to being old. And dating in your 30s as a woman is some form of stigma.

Well, the whole of society probably told you. But nowadays it is simply not true, most of us have another good 60 years to enjoy.

That is a freaking huge amount of time. And yet, we are stressing out that time running out already in our 30s.

That’s just a myth created by society to sell us more crap. More clothes, more youth serums, more time spent on dating apps trying to find the one.

But guess what, you don’t need to buy that myth. You are only you, not your age.

An age-obsessed society

People love to discuss each other’s ages. We discuss it like it really matters. But when you think about it, it doesn’t.

I’m going to be morbid; none of us know how many years we have left. You can be 40 and have 60 years left. You can be 20 and have 6 years left.

But no one wants to think about that, instead, we use our age as a yardstick to measure our accomplishments. Married at 32? Children at 34?

Great, I’m happy for you (at least since I deleted social media.)

We are all going to die

All our accomplishments will crumble and none of it matters. And still, we stress out about dating in our 30s. When you start freaking out, think about being dead. That helps me.

3. Spend time with other single people

Yeah, this is going to be one of those harsh truths I’m prepared to dish out. When you are single, it’s not that fucking funny to hang around with a bunch of couples.

They talk about mortgages and daycare and other desperately boring subjects. Hanging out with them makes me feel like a kid.

Or is that just me?

You don’t need a date, you need new friends

If you feel your friends disappearing in couplehood and baby town, time to get new friends. Single friends are actually the best way to enjoy being single. You can meet guys together, you can go on trips. It’s not going to be one long sex and the city episode, but it will help with your dating game.

Check out my article “How to enjoy being single.”

Find the support you need

Dating in your 30s as a woman is all about having a good support system.

When you have someone to talk with, someone who get your struggle, that makes all the difference.

It’s not fun to be the last single standing in a friend group. That was me. Until I ventured out and made new friends and went on new adventures.

4. Try a dating app or more likely; get off the dating apps

If you haven’t used dating apps it’s about time that you start. Using dating apps is an amazing possibility to spend time with someone who is single and who is looking for a relationship. At least if you read their profile carefully enough and if you yourself know what you are looking for. (And not get catfished by a commitmentphobe.)

Online dating is also a bit of a deep dive in the leftover bin. You judge your dates for their lack of personality until you remember that you are also there. Fighting over the remains. Check out our article Why is it so hard to find someone?” if you often wonder why you are not finding the one.

Get off the apps

Dating in my 30s I spent a lot of time on the apps, going on dates, hooking up with men I didn’t see myself with long-term. For me, dating apps became their own form of addiction. When dating through the apps I felt the most amount of hope, but I also felt the most amount of desperation.

If you recognize yourself, I strongly suggest going cold turkey. Delete and delete. Check out our article Giving up on love, for a refreshing perspective.

New interest brings freshness into your life

I had been on the apps for years. When I quit, I was amazed at all the time I got. I didn’t go on dates or check my new hinge messages or text with a bunch of strangers.

I did sign up for a photography course, joined a book club and learned to play tennis. After all, those were all the activities I had always dreamt of doing with my future boyfriend.  

5. Your 30s is a good time to make a couple of mistakes

Contrary to common belief I recommend making mistakes in your 30s, especially as a woman who is dating. It’s just a fun time to experiment since you do know a bit about yourself.

Mistakes help to shape our character and give us depth as people.

Date someone much younger or much older. quit your job and start pursuing a new career. Move to a new country. Since you are single you are much freer than your coupled friends.

Be free to pursue your dreams

Yes, do something drastic. Because you do have the possibility.

You might feel stressed, already 30 and you haven’t found the love of your life. If that’s you, I’m here to tell you that you still got plenty of time.

Learn more about yourself

When you are single it’s easy to forget that a relationship takes a lot of time. You have to actually nurture your relationship and spend a lot of time together. Often you have to compromise on what you are doing since no two people are completely similar. Think back to your past relationship and everything you had to do that you didn’t like.

Since you are in your 30s you are smart. Probably even financially well of. If not, this is the time to focus on getting your career where you want it to be.

Seize the opportunities to get to know yourself.

Savor your uniqueness

In a relationship, you also get to know yourself. But the knowledge that comes from being single is different. You become self-reliant.

I also strongly recommend therapy, that’s what helped tip the scale for me. It felt like I was treating myself how I deserved to be treated.

Read and expand your knowledge

You probably already guessed, I’m a big fan of self-development books. That’s how you find me on a week night, deep into improvement and enlightenment with a cup of tea by my side.

6. Don’t settle just to get a man by your side

I’m not going to name any names, but a good chunk of my friends didn’t find the one. They just slowly found themselves in a relationship with someone they were not all that crazy about from the beginning.

They were ready for the next step and they grab hold of that one man who was prepared to go there with them

You never know the inside of other people’s lives

Maybe they are truly happy?

I don’t know.

They don’t share things with me the way they used to.

I see them and I wonder what’s really going on. From the outside, they look happy and I hope that is the truth.

I think about all the guys who were ready for me and what would have happened if I had picked one of them. Then I realize that I am the one who is not ready.

7. Don’t expect the world when choosing the one

Contrary to the point I just made above, I think we all have a tendency to expect too much. When you have been single for a long time you also have had a long time building up your future man.

I myself am guilty of this behavior. Everyone tells me so. I’m too picky. I want someone dashing, adventurous and humble. Can I also please have a clean man who is a good cook and get along with my friends? Dating in your 30s as a woman, you do know what you want and this makes the task harder.

I don’t feel like I ask for too much

I do admit, to my therapist, that my fault finding is a way to protect myself.

Let’s both be a bit more open to those short bald men who still live with their parents, shall we?

Analyze your patterns

On that note, your 30s are the perfect time to analyze your dating patterns and try to find out if you have patterns you are not happy with. Always falling for the wrong man? You can get rid of those patterns you know. This is the decade to do so.

8. You don’t have to find the one

Groundbreaking information, but you might think that you need all those things that your friends are slowly getting.

A big wedding, a country cottage with a leaking roof, those family holidays with sunstruck toddlers.  

But if you start having a deep and meaningful relationship with yourself you might also shift your goals. Nowadays women can become parents on their own.

We also all have the ability to create a life that is true to our dreams and our desires.

Don’t believe the myth

To a certain extent, we have all been indoctrinated to think that a thriving romantic relationship is the meaning of life.

It might feel like that when you are single.

So I’m here to tell you once and for all, that it is not so.

All lives are funny, original, and fulfilling.

9. Men are crazy about you

I saved the best for last. This one is easy to forget when you wade your days through the dating jungle.

But men long for women just as much as we long for them.

Here at HerBrilliantFriend, we interviewed more than 300 men. I was surprised by how much all of them valued women and the company of women. Everything they do, all their effort to become successful and provide for themselves. All their hard work. It’s because of you.

Keep that in mind when you are dating in your 30s as a woman.

Men do love you. All the work they do is so that they can get a loving woman by their side. It’s just so they can find you and WOW you when they do find you

You are loved

You might feel unloved or unattractive. But that’s simply not true. There are thousands of men out there who want to find the one. Who still thinks about you, dreams about you. Who, when meeting you, will be completely blown away by your depth, humor, and success.

A Final Note

Keep on dating, keep on hoping and dreaming. But don’t let your longing define you. You are much bigger than your dating life.