Should you get back together with your ex?

Are you tempted to rekindle lost love?

Should you get back together with your ex? Let me answer this question one time for all.

No.

You should not get back together with your ex. It’s not a good idea. Getting back together with your ex is like getting sucked back into a vortex of frustration and sorrow.

Let me explain why. At the end of this text, you will see things as clearly as I do. And trust me; I went back to my ex three times. I’m speaking from bitter experience.

Why would you want to get back together with your ex?

First, we need to understand why you want to get back together with your ex.

Can you step into the same river twice? Probably not.

And that’s why you are thinking about getting back together with your ex. You hope your relationship will be different this time around.

You hope things will be different

You can’t help but imagine that your love story will be another river. Similar to the first one, but greatly improved. A much smoother and more loving river. One where the two of you are more grown-up and get along much better.

But before you make this decision, let me try and convince you that you shouldn’t get back together with your ex.

Because although the river will be slightly different this time around, it will still be the same fucking river.

You are not alone

The ex-factor. It’s real.

Pretty much all of us are stuck on at least one of our ex. Romantic movies tell us that lost love is something desirable.

“The one that got away.” This concept can hook even the most level-headed person.

When your love story, for one reason or another, is cut short (in your opinion), you are left with all sorts of questions.

Could things have been different?

Are you wondering if you gave up too easily? If it was just unlucky circumstances that pushed the two of you apart? Could you have changed the trajectory by being more compassionate and chill?

Or just more loving?

We all crave love

To fall in love with someone is a powerful feeling. There is joy, nervousness, and hope. When all those feelings lead to a relationship, there is love. Love is strong and hard to shield yourself from.

It’s valuable, a currency of its own.

We all want love in our life. We all crave love in our life. If you are stuck thinking about an ex, that means you don’t have as much love in your life as you would want in an ideal situation.

Sometimes being single sucks

To add to this mixture, there are all the downsides of being single—miserable dates, dead-end hock-ups, watching your friends moving on to their happily ever after.

When all this becomes too much, we feel that we need a break. We need our own successful love story. We invite the ex into our fantasies and life, and we start thinking, “What if?”

So many people want an ex back

There are a million different “Get your ex back” programs around the internet. So, a million of us are thinking about restarting an old relationship. We are googling How to get your ex-boyfriend back.

I get it

We want the chance to do things differently, and we want to give the same chance to that amazing person we once loved and who was once our boyfriend.

Most of the time, it’s a terrible idea.

Your memories deceive you

The first reason you shouldn’t get back to your ex is that you can’t trust your memories. They will deceive you and paint the relationship in a more favorable light. That’s just how human nature works. We remember pleasure more than pain when it comes to romance.

The painful memories fade away

Right after a breakup, the feelings are still raw.

You remember every insult, every injustice. You are probably glad to be out of the relationship. But as time passes, you dwell less and less on everything that was problematic with the relationship. This makes sense. Why would you stay too long in pain?

Romanticizing is dangerous

Instead, your brain picks out all the nice things and starts playing them for you. The great sex. All the time, the two of you laughed—the closeness you had with this person.

You realize that you have never felt so intensely for someone before.

He was your best friend. You had so many things in common. Your memory is doing you a favor, downplaying the real problems and treating you to memories of nice times.

Keep it real

To get rid of this “idealizing your ex” syndrome, do our easy and fun exercise; How to get over your ex fast.

If you don’t do the exercise, just remind yourself of everything that made you miserable in the relationship. Don’t allow your brain to play the happy movie.

What advice would you give your best friend?

Let me ask you one simple question if it was your best friend, and she was you, and she asked you what to do, would you advise her to go back to the relationship?

Be honest.

You are not meeting anyone new

Welcome to being single. It’s fun sometimes. You get to do what you want.

But a lot of the time, being single is frustrating. Especially if you are longing for love. You are trying to meet someone new. But no one suitable shows up. Dating is like banging your head against a brick wall.

Rejection might push you back to your ex

Or you are being rejected by the men you would actually want. And that rejection sucks so much that you start thinking about getting together with your ex just to get validation that you are, in fact, a charming and attractive human being.

Meeting someone new takes effort

There is a lot of work to be done to meet someone new. You have to put in a real effort, and a lot of times, that effort yields zero fruit. For this reason, you might reconsider your ex. Compared to being single, the relationship doesn’t look so bad anymore.

Different kinds of pain

But you should not put those two in comparison with each other. They are different kinds of pains and different types of struggles.

Being with a person you don’t want or who doesn’t treat you the right way hurts your confidence. It eats away at your soul.

You are not being authentic to yourself, and this will lead to sorrow and agony. I cannot stress this point enough; being in a couple with the wrong person will make you a worse person, and it can take years to recover.

Learn to enjoy yourself, alone

Being single and frustrated, well, that’s just like going out with the trash or any other boring task that’s part of life. It has to be done. It will be worth it in the end. If you are single the right way, it will lead to a better, braver version of yourself.

Here at Herbriliantfriend, we have tons of articles about how to navigate singlehood. Check out How to enjoy being single for a start.

Force yourself to Move forward

Sometimes it can feel that being single is defined by what you don’t have; a happy, amazing relationship. But what you do have is the opportunity to explore the guys that come into your life.

You can flirt, date, and get to know interesting people. Don’t get stuck in the past. Enjoy the possibilities you have right in front of you.

Your ex broke up with you

If your ex broke up with you and has now decided that he wants the relationship back, you still have to be careful.

It’s still not a good idea to get back together with your ex. In this scenario, you probably feel flattered, and your ego gets a big boost. He made a mistake when he broke up with you, and now he realizes that he indeed wants to be with you.

He realized what he lost

Here we have a tricky situation. Your ex probably also went out in the world being single and didn’t meet anyone else and started thinking about you. But the two of you broke up for a reason, and that reason still exists. You have to decide if you want someone who walked away.

You deserve reciprocated love

If your ex, on the other hand, doesn’t even want you back, but you are still thinking about him and the relationship. Still hoping for another chance.

Keep it real

Well, time for a reality check. You deserve someone who loves you and who is in love with you, and foremost someone who is prepared to work on the relationship between the two of you.

You will love again

You might object that you are still in love with your ex. How can I argue against love?

Guess what? Love comes and goes. If you don’t work for it, (like with your ex), it will go. You will fall in love again. Love is rare, but it’s not so fucking rare that you should go back to someone who doesn’t want you.

You broke up with your ex

The two of you were together, and for some reason, you decided to break up with him.

You had a good reason. It was not a decision you took lightly. You spent a lot of time thinking about whether to stay with him or leave him. In the end, you decided that you would be better off without him.

Don’t forget your reasons

This is still true. You are still better off without him. Your reason for breaking up was valid. In one way or another, you compromised too much about who you are and what you wanted in the relationship.

Check out our article about Manipulative behavior to learn more and become better at spotting toxic habits.

What version of the relationship do you want back?

Would you want to go back to the relationship the two of you had just before you broke off?

If not? Why do you think it will be different this time around?

Do you believe he has changed? If he hasn’t changed, would you still want him back?

Will the change be enough?

The chances are that your ex did indeed change a bit. But will this be enough?

On the other hand, people don’t change that much, so there is also a chance that things will be exactly the same. Can you accept this? If not, there you have a great reason not to go back to your ex.

A final note

It’s a terrible thing, breaking up with someone.

No matter who instigated the breakup. It still hurts. One day that person is one of the most important parts of our life. The next day, he is already present tense. Reduced to an ex-boyfriend. Forever lost.

By losing him, you also lose a bit of yourself. You lose a bit of your shared history.

Your feelings don’t control you

If you think it’s a good idea to get back together with your ex, it’s because you overvalue your feelings, and undervalue the reality of your relationship. If you didn’t have any feelings for him, would you still consider getting your ex back?

Of course not. That would be absurd.

Feelings pass, but the problems you had with your ex-boyfriend won’t pass. If you go back to him, the issues between the two of you will be there waiting for you with a big unfriendly grin. That’s why you should not get back together with your ex.